I am going to cheat a bit here, and copy/paste a long email I wrote to some of you here already, but it serves as a good status update, esp. since it seems like we are getting new members aside from the original refugees sending emails around. I have tried to edit it to make sense in this current context, but if the verbs or tense get kind of freaky, just try and read past that.
This will be long-winded, but ought to give you all a good feel for where my head is at and where I want it to be. It started with Chris asking me (among other things):
"What is it you really and truly want out of your practice? Why?"
If I unwind the questions, the root-level one is simply "why practice", or equivalently, "what's missing in my life". I came into this practice not really searching, per se, but just trying to get a better handle on the stressors in my life. I work very hard, and I wanted a way to relieve some of the stress that that put on me and my relationships with others. So MBSR was the entry point. But I quickly got interested in Buddhism, which I knew nothing about, because it (or rather, the Westernized version you read about in bookstores) turned out to be more of a philosophy than a religion, and an elegant one at that. I sat, and reflected on the stuff that I was reading about with no overt goal beyond becoming a saner, calmer, more contented person. I also felt that if there were "life lessons" that could be learned that did, indeed, make me calmer and saner and more contented, then I should learn them and pass them onto my two young boys. I saw myself becoming a Yoda.
Truth be told, as I dug deeper into all this stuff, I also became enchanted by jhanas, thinking they were a cool side effect, but more on that in a sec.
The "goal" then was somewhat nebulous. I did not believe "enlightenment" was realistically achievable by non-monks, so that was never a target. But I felt that if I at least tried to follow the eightfold path, I would be better off than not. For me, a pivotal practice document was the Anapansati sutta. And that is where I got the notion, that I hold to this day, that jhanas, while a side effect to practice, provides markers on a path to being equanimous with life, whether you call that equanimity "enlightenment" or "awakening", or whatever. And so I practiced my ass off trying to get the first jhana.
I read a lot of Zen stuff, and was confused that they dismissed jhanas as makyo, since the Buddha clearly used jhanas to teach. What was up with that? But I also really dug the concept of shikantaza and thought that I'd eventually like to do that. So, I was kind of adrift, doing a little bit of this and a little bit of that, with some short-term goals but no "big picture" stuff.
When I found MCTB I was blown away. Here was a document purporting that "enlightenment" was possible, and provided what seemed to be clear steps to do so. And, there was a forum where people were doing just that, apparently successfully. I didn't think too much at that time about what enlightenment really meant because I was caught up in just doing it. I trusted the process and assumed that the transformations and the "overlapping experiences" were worth having because it was presented in such a way as to modernize a millenia-old practice, and that original practice was what I was drawn to. Who knew that these same mentors would flip-flop to newer practices from some dude walking on a beach in Australia.
But the forums kept me going and helped me to refine my goals. Truth be told, I was also really excited by some of the mental gymnastics a number of people displayed. But I saw them as teasers, or rewards, for doing the practice correctly.
So to get back to the original question: what am I missing? Equanimity, for one. I still don't have that "even keel" that I had hoped to cultivate, not even close. But now, after having hung out on the forums with the likes of Chris, Jackson, Mike, and others, I am drawn to the perspective you now have on existence, that whole non-dual, emptiness thing. I don't fully understand it but, again, I take for granted that it is rather mind blowing. And that I can actually get there from here in some very finite amount of time is equally mind blowing, and which is why I now practice. I don't BELIEVE in the sense of "well, it's good enough for [insert name] so it's good enough for me", but I do believe as far as "I don't think (s)he is shitting us but since all I have to do is x, I can verify it for myself", and so I sit.
Clearly your [addressing Chris directly now...] view on life and existence as a whole has dramatically changed for you. And it is somehow related to this Buddhist practice, possibly amped up by some hard core, result-oriented techniques. My goal is to see for myself, because IF there is something there and IF it helps me live out my life in peace, then it is something that needs to be shared. I was looking into one of my kids eyes the other night as I was doing his teeth, and I could still see the wonder and simplicity of his outlook on life. That will change. And if there are options that I can impart to him and his brother first hand, I'd be a dick not to. So I guess my goals for doing this practice haven't changed since paragraph 1.
I would be thrilled to discuss this with any of you.
-- tomo