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- Clinging to unskillfulness
Clinging to unskillfulness
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And yet. Over and over again, as I investigate the circumstances and causes, the narratives and delusions and short-sighted aims that contribute to everyday unskillful behavior, I am able to peel back the layers of self-serving thinking and reaction, to relax the body when I tense it, only to run up against this little core at the center. Over and over again I'm able to bring myself awareness of the mental behaviors and their unskillfulness, only to run up against some very primal element of me that says, 'I don't care if it's unskillful—let it be unskillful—it's still me.' It's the strangest thing.
It seems potentially a not-self issue, in a funny way. But even when I am able to establish some reactive act as wholly unskillful, some recalcitrant part of myself insists, 'I want to be unskillful!' It might be perhaps that, because this behavior originates in my mind and body, that I feel so strongly that, even if it's the least skillful behavior in the world, it's still mine. And that to deny it would be—denying the will, perhaps. In some ways it feels like my ego, under attack from anatta, engaging its self-defense mechanisms and trying to evade obliteration (not that I'm in any danger of achieving no-self realization any time soon!).
But in any case, after clinging to pleasure, clinging to desire, clinging to the world, I find myself clinging to dukkha itself. Which is a very strange state to be in.
As I mentioned, I think anatta is a useful principle to bear in mind here, because it seems to be—if not directly—a corrective against the notion that our behavior, skillful or indeed unskillful, is us, is the self; but this particular mechanism still does feel a bit strange, and doesn't seem to perfectly fit in with the models that we generally work from. Has anybody else felt themselves clinging to their unskillfulness and suffering?
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Two things:
1. Are you assuming "you" have more control over your behavior than you really do?
2. Are you assuming you are getting to this "core" when there actually is no such thing?
Ponderous times!
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As for your second: 'core' was chosen more for the feeling that I had in experiencing it, rather than any beliefs I might have about where that particular pattern lies in the makeup of my mind. I experienced it as a knot in my own rational process, one much more resistant to analysis and mindfulness than the more obvious strains that had come before it (again, before it in my mindfulness practice, not before it in any essential sense).
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Are you aiming for perfection? Forgiving yourself might prove to be a very valuable tool. I'm not sure unskillful behavior is really "extinguishable" given that we're human beings, not robots or computers. I have yet to meet a human being without faults that include occasionally unskillful behavior, intended or unintended. And if I watch what goes on in my mind on a moment-to-moment basis it can be quite frightening as that organ seems to be capable of the most horrifying thoughts.
So I'm proposing that maybe your aim is too high for now. It might be more useful to focus on what's really going on without trying to manipulate the outcome.
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And another thought, from my own experience - consider how you might be able to have compassion (or loving-kindness) towards another person who is struggling with their practice, making mistakes, saying unskillful things, or otherwise struggling and suffering in an obvious way.
You may or may not have that feeling towards them, but in my own experience I found I was often able to feel that towards others, and then realize I was not feeling it towards myself. And when I did feel it towards myself, in dribs and drabs over time, it was quite a shock. Somehow it seemed easier to think "so and so can only be what he is, can only do what he is doing, because that is what he is working through right now" but to think that about myself was much more difficult and happened more slowly.
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EDIT: Cross-post; written before I saw ona's response.
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Make sense?
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Indeed.
I am also reminded of the common esoteric Buddhist practice done at some centers I've attended where you visualize someone you like, and send them loving kindness (easy!), then someone you feel neutral towards (not so hard), then someone you loathe ("have difficulties with") (ooh, not so easy!). That is equanimity, right? Equanimity is not getting rid of all the icky stuff so you only feel good because everything is pleasant and pretty, but seeing that the "ugly" is as perfect as the "beautiful." Somehow it happens sometimes.
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First things first... Yes, you can listen to Than. Geoff too much. I like him a lot, but the more fundamentalist views of Buddha-dharma cause me to get WAY too idealistic with regard to how I live my life. Ironically, I suffer more when I have such lofty views of what is or isn't possible through practice. My advice, which I offer from my own experience, is to keep present experiencing close, and only focus on incremental improvement. In other words, reduce suffering little by little. Don't beat yourself up for not being skillful enough. That pangs of Protestant guilt, and I've had enough of that in my life to know it's best to put it aside.
It sounds like you (Zach) are approaching practice in a way that results in some kind of power struggle with yourself. It's almost like yelling at your reflection in the mirror, trying to scare him off.
Try steering into the skid, you know? Rather than think, "Not this way, that way," try, "This too."
If we can't accept who we are, where we are, when we are, no transformation will occur. Struggle and control are counter-productive, as you well know by now.
Recognize and, by all means, accept. Only then will investigation lead to the fruit of the path.
Just my opinion, of course.
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- Dharma Comarade
1. There was a time when there was no Buddha, no Buddhism, no Christ, no Christianity, no Islam, no Hinduism, no yoga and on and on and on.
2. There will be a time when there will be no Buddha, etc. In fact, there will come a time when all parts of our present culture will have long faded away and there will be not one entity left alive who has ever heard of Buddha, Buddhism, Jesus, Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, Yoga, non dualism -- even Adyashanti.
3. All there really is is this stuff right here. And, addressing right here and now with any concepts and learnings and images from the point of view of all my fantasies about myself and dharma and spirituality and various religions -- is entirely optional. Insidious and Irresistibly tempting, yes, but moment to moment still a choice.
My fantasies about myself and how I am can meet other people's fantasies about what makes a good dharma practitioner can work together to really f me up.
What I mean is, a good ideal would be to always come to dharma practice from a place of freedom, from a place of "take it or leave it" always ready to abandon all concepts when clear seeing from a free empty place leads to at least a temporary cessation of suffering.
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Protestant guilt, and I've had enough of that in my life to know it's
best to put it aside." - hipster
You know, that's a good point. For whatever reason a lot of Buddhists I know were raised in fairly hardcore religious families - Catholic, Protestant or Jewish often - and seem to have been attracted to Buddhism because it provides a spiritual life with a "less judgmental attitude" (this was expressed to me by many people in a particular sangha when I asked them about it during a weekend retreat). But clearly, we can easily bring along our own inner nun-with-a-ruler to punish us if we are not practicing well enough!
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Your initial description rings some bells for me, yes. I want to focus on the phenomenon of "clinging to suffering". I think you're pointing to something pretty interesting there and I feel like I can relate to it.
From my own perspective right now, the sense of "me" (and thus mine) is basically identical with a sense of resistance to what is. Resistance to what is is identical to clinging to what is. Whether it's liking something and wanting to keep it, or disliking something and pushing it away, there is resistance and in the complete relaxation of resistance (in any given moment) I find relief from suffering.
Curiously in the complete relaxation of resistance (whether aversive or attached) I find, in addition to relief from suffering, a simple lack of that "me"-ness. There is something very simple and vivid (call it Universe, reality, whatever) which requires no owner to function, and it's always available if I relax that tension (of trying to control experience).
So based on this I conjecture that "me" is suffering. This is hard to see at first because it seems like "I" want good things and avoid bad things. It becomes easier to see when it becomes clearer that aversion to "bad" things and attachment to "good" things is the phenomenal definition of 'suffering" (as distinct from discomfort or physical pain), and in relaxation of that resistance there also seems to be a lack of separate identity-- as a structure of expectation which is holding up the criteria for what is "good" and what is "bad" in experience.
That standard of evaluation IS the resistance and clinging. Every moment of ignorance seems constituted by aversion and or attachment, IM current O. There is no "pure ignorance" at the core of the process-- just fleeting moments of pushing away or pulling toward which assume a nonexistent separation and are thus doomed to failure.
Ignorance is always enacted as resistance, in other words. So being attached to suffering is in a sense all 'I" am ever doing, as suffering/resistance is the substance of "me". In the absence of a desire to control experience, the "me" is redundant cuz everything takes care of itself. In the presence of a desire to control, close mindfulness of these dynamics seems to reveal again and again this causal matrix of suffering. Notice how trying to get rid of the "me", cuz it's "bad", creates a dharma-ego then? and trying to cling to True Nature does the same thing? This is really what I've been noticing with myself lately anyway.
That's just my take on it right now and certainly isn't meant to be binding on anyone else. I'm just describing my experience lately.
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