I think the term I used was "a collective Royal Pain in the Ass."
I get the impression that you think boning up on Daniel's detailed map analysis is not the best use of my only precious life. So how do I give up?
It's not like I haven't done it before. I gave up on my first marriage, and I remember the very moment I did it. One minute we were arguing and I was trying to get my point across, and the next minute I realized it was over. There was an endgame, of course, where I still went through the motions. But it was essentially over.
I also gave up trying to make my present husband happy. For years and years I thought it was up to me to solve his problems, help him navigate life, find resources for him. Then one day I knew it was over. I remember with the same eerie clarity as with the first time when that happened. And there was an endgame there too. Now, miraculously enough, we are still married, with good boundaries.
So I know that "click" when everything lines up. In both those cases there was a sense of helplessness and relief. It was no longer up to me. It never had been. I had been playing a role all that time, with the outcome an inevitability.
So now I have to give up on myself. Unfortunately, I sense that I still have a couple of tricks up my sleeve, things I could try. Don't ask me what those are. Maybe note the sensations of the witness as sensations and then watch them pass away. I haven't really done that yet. Or maybe I have to burn through other old patterns that I've been carrying around, although I'm not sure what those are. Or sit and wait for that "click" when it all lines up. In the meantime do what, practice? Do my work? Let it go?
I can't solve my own problems any more than I can solve someone else's, that much is clear. I'm not sure any of them are problems, to be honest. So what if I can't drive on the freeway? Maybe I can, maybe I can't. So what if I'm not so good at managing my time? Maybe I'll improve, or maybe I'll go on as I have been. In the scheme of things, it's not really the end of the world.
Maybe I'm already awake and don't realize it. Maybe there will be a big wow at a particular time and I'll know it. Forty years ago there was a hugely big wow, and that in all likelihood is plenty for one lifetime. Maybe this is it, all I'll ever have, all I'll ever be.
There's the stumbling block, right there: I want something more. I am holding out for Something Else. I even think I know what it is. Hm.