awouldbehipster's practice notes

Inspired by the online practice journals maintained by Chris (cmarti) and Michael (AuguestLeo), I thought it was about time for me to share some of my practice experiences as well. So, here goes nothing'¦

First, some background. I recently took up the practice of keeping a hua-tou, which is a practice out of the Ch'an Buddhist tradition (the Chinese tradition from which Japanese Zen arose). The practice is simple, but not easy. Basically, one is given (or chooses on their own) a question to keep in the mind as often as possible. In my case, I asked my friend Stuart to suggest one for me. He gave me a couple to choose from, and I ended up going with, "Who is dragging this corpse around?" Once one gets a good feel for the question, however, it turns in to simply, "Who?" I'm not supposed to focus on the hua-tou while doing anything potentially dangerous, like driving or crossing busy streets (warning: do not operate heavy machinery while keeping this hua-tou).

(DISCLAIMER: I am brand new to the hua-tou practice, so nothing I write should be taken as authoritative. I am merely sharing my preliminary experience and understanding, which may very well be off base. I wouldn't be taking up this practice if I didn't have my friend Stuart to assist me, as he has been practicing Ch'an and guiding students in some form for decades).

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By keeping the hua-tou going throughout the day, the doubting mind starts to gain momentum. The sole aim of the practice, therefore, is to grow and sustain the doubting mind. That's all. It's like a koan in the sense that one is not to spend time trying to think of a logical answer to the question. Doing so would only fuel the discursive mind and perpetuate a string of ramblings (what we might call "monkey mind"). One drops everything and keeps the hua-tou. That's it. Eventually, the hua-tou begins to take on a life of its own. There's a snowballing effect to it - it grows bigger and moves faster the longer it is kept.

Sounds easy, right? Well, it isn't. My mind is conditioned to seek an answer in order to find rest, in the same way that a dominant 7 chord wants to resolve to the 1 chord of the key signature (for all you musicians out there). To keep the mind in a state of perplexity without the goal of resolving it can get pretty uncomfortable, and it can also bring up all kinds of weird experiences from the intermediate realm. During my first week of keeping the hua-tou I saw many strange sights. People on the street looked like zombies. I saw animals in my peripheral vision, and then turned to see that there was nothing there. Intense fear would arise as well, as if I were a character in a horror film, not knowing what strange kind of monster or psychopath might be lurking around each corner. But there's not time to entertain such thoughts and feelings when keeping the hua-tou. You just brush it off and keep up the questioning - "Who? Who? Who?"

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And then there are the kundalini roller coaster rides. For a while I was practicing the hua-tou with my eyes closed while sitting. There would be intense and sudden feelings of sinking, or rising, or zooming through space, or like falling backwards off a cliff. The mind does lots of fancy things to distract me, but I just keep up the hua-tou.

I've also experience some relatively mild body shaking, quaking, and trembling while really immersed in the doubting mind. It's just a side effect of the practice, and it passes through like a storm moves through the open sky.

Because of the strange experiences I was having with my eyes closed, Stuart suggested that I keep my eyes partially open as practiced in the Ch'an tradition. This keeps things from getting too crazy, and also keeps me from slipping in to pleasant but zoned-out samadhi states that make difficult (if not impossible) to keep the doubting mind going. I have taken this advice very seriously, and it has proven to be beneficial to this practice.

One might wonder at this point, "What's the point? What's supposed to happen?" To be honest, I don't really know. What I do know is that the Ch'an/Zen traditions that advocate hua-tou or koan practice are not interested in jhanas, or samadhi, or bliss, or anything like that. Rather, the point (I think) is to discover a radically new perspective. I've had some rather profound openings since taking up this practice, but I in no way assume that I have, as Stuart says, "plumbed the depths of the hua-tou." It's safe to say that I will be doing this for quite some time.

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Every so often, when I really crank the thing out, the doubting mind will sort of hit a wall and suddenly drop. When practicing with my eyes open, as I was yesterday (the last time this occurred), it was as if a veil made of shadow-substance was swiftly pulled away from my being in a downward motion, resulting in a bright, alert, utterly lucid experience of non-dual certainty. When this kind of thing happens, it becomes impossible to keep the hua-tou going. "Who?" won't arise. And yet there is nothing zoned-out or blissed-out about the state of mind that is left. When such a thing happens, I was advised not to try and force the questioning back into being (which is seemingly impossible anyway), but rather to sit mindfully until the questioning mind may again arise.

It's dangerous to dwell on superlative experiences, as that is hardly the point of practice. Whenever I find myself waiting for something cool to happen, it just hampers my ability to keep the hua-tou. So I'm keeping it up with a "whatever happens, happens," attitude. Besides, the plateau experiences are just as transformative as the peak experiences, if not more so. It's important to keep this in mind, regardless of the kind of practice one is committed to.

What has become clear, however, is that the mind that divides things up into this-or-that is not who I really am. That mind can come and go. So if that's not me, then "Who?"

That's all for now.

Practice well,
~Jackson

Nice report!

Very nice, Jackson! Thanks so much for sharing.

Hey Jackson, great practice! You are really getting into the Ch'an - inspiring.

Hey Jackson, thank you for sharing your hua-tou practice here. Wonderfully descriptive!
I practice with a hua-tou, but have not experienced anything remarkable with it. Perhaps I have not worked with it enough or with the degree of intensity to prompt the doubting mind.
Can you tell us what other hua-tou's your friend, Stuart suggested? Did you have an initial reaction towards the one you chose?
I'm looking forward to hearing more as your hua-tou practice develops further.
- Tina

"Hey Jackson, thank you for sharing your hua-tou practice here. Wonderfully descriptive!
I practice with a hua-tou, but have not experienced anything remarkable with it. Perhaps I have not worked with it enough or with the degree of intensity to prompt the doubting mind.
Can you tell us what other hua-tou's your friend, Stuart suggested? Did you have an initial reaction towards the one you chose?
I'm looking forward to hearing more as your hua-tou practice develops further.
- Tina"

Hello Khara,

The two that he suggested were:

1.) "Who is dragging this corpse around?" and,
2.) "What is it?" (or "What is this?")

I chose the first one for no other reason than because it sounded interesting and challenging.

The doubting mind could also be called the "don't know" mind. That's what the hua-tou practitioner is going for. One keeps the questioning going until to the point where there literally nothing BUT doubt, and then questions some more. That's it. So whether the doubting is aroused or not, the point is to keep inquiring into the hua-tou.

Simple, but not easy.

Thanks for your comment

~Jackson

Spent a lot of time practicing this weekend - sitting for two to three hours each morning, and then keeping the questioning going as much as possible while doing household chores. It's been difficult to ramp up the doubting mind first thing in the morning. It usually gets better after my second cup of coffee. I have ADD, so the more stimulation my brain receives the more focused I get.

During my three hour morning session Sunday morning, the doubting mind was not aroused in any noticeable way until after an hour or so. As the doubt grew, there was a distinct rumbling coming from my stomach area. It wasn't the kind of growling that comes from being hungry, but more like a little earthquake or thunderstorm in my gut. I'm not used to experiencing energetic phenomena in that area, so it was kind of distracting for a bit.

The questioning and arousing of the doubting mind has been causing my mind to drudge up all kinds of memories. Things long forgotten are appearing in my consciousness as if they had just happened. Like the grumbling, this gets pretty distracting. It's hard not to become nostalgic and drift off on a stroll down memory lane. There's no room for that when inquiring into the hua-tou, however, so I didn't my best to keep the questioning at the front of my mind.

The doubting got so intense at times, particularly toward the end of the morning session, that I began to feel sick to my stomach. It almost felt like a bad hangover, but I didn't do any drinking over the weekend. The rumbling in the stomach area continued, as well as the flashbacks, for a good portion of the day.

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On a couple occasions yesterday, the realization came that in order to succeed at this practice I have to give everything. I'm going to have to let go - to really LET GO - if I'm going to finish this thing. This is quite frightening, as it feels like lacing up my shoes in preparation for a march toward the gallows. What keeps me going is knowing others who have finished the process. They didn't become zombies or lose their personalities. They were just willing to let go and gain a new perspective - the True perspective - and they saw it through to fruition. As scary as it might seem to completely let go of myself, at the same time I know that it's all smoke and mirrors. What I'm learning to let go if is a complete fabrication already. How could that be harmful?

Since the energetic activity I've been experiencing has been concentrated in the stomach area, I thought I'd do some quick research on the chakra corresponding to that area. I found an interesting correlation'¦

According to Wikipedia (the most authoritative source, right?), the "key issues governed by Manipura [solar plexus chakra] are issues of personal power, fear, anxiety, opinion-formation, introversion, and transition from simple or base emotions to complex."

Hmm'¦ fear, anxiety'¦ coincidence?

I don't really do any intentional energy work, but it's fun to play with interpretation. I may just be falling prey to the Barnum Effect*, like buying into horoscopes and the like (no disrespect to our magician friends). Enough analysis. Back to inquiring...

*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barnum_effect

Nice thread, Jackson!
It will be interesting to see a different approach!

Allowing the doubt to grow has been easier the last couple days. I've come across something I have to look out for, however.

It seems that I go so intensely concentrated on the growing doubt that I sometimes shift up into the 1st Suddavasa Jhana*. This makes doubting impossible, since accessing this jhana is like taking a mini-vacation to heaven. In order to proceed with the questioning I have to allow myself to come out of this jhana. On any other occasion I wouldn't mind the unplanned jhana trip, but it's kind of annoying when it disrupts the momentum of the doubt I'm trying to grow.

This practice is proving to be quite the balancing act. Learning how not to push to hard, or relax too much, is challenging. But, it's a challenge I'm willing to face.

All in all, things are going well.

* aka "Pure Land 1". See the following links for more info'¦
kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/page/20+Major+Strata+of+Mind
kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/page/A+Te...ing+Pure+Land+Jhanas

I know about the stomach.. i've felt it, once during a Dzogchen transmission and another time during intense meditation. I think (from my understanding of Tibetan Tantra) it's energy entering the central channel at the naval chakra, but since there is an emotional blockage (anxiety, fear, resistance) the energy does not move higher. what I found helpful was to objectively become aware of the sensation and watch the emotions/memories/thoughts tied to the sensation, but without jumping into it. In my experience, when the sensations are strong, it's because there is subconscious resistance.. and so one must surrender by letting go, or simply witnessing the whole ordeal, and continue with the practice.

you can also try some intentional energy work since you haven't before.. maybe it will help I know that Qi Gong is used in Zen monasteries... intentionally clearing up blockages can certainly speed things up, grease the wheels a bit.

"This practice is proving to be quite the balancing act. Learning how not to push to hard, or relax too much, is challenging. But, it's a challenge I'm willing to face."

Namkhai Norbu Rinpoche talks about this in 'The Practice of Contemplation' (not sure if this is available publicly) and I think this is the general style of Mahamudra and all Tibetan meditation practice:

First you concentrate to the point where there are no thoughts, but you do not proceed. you do not enter jhana, but I guess you simply stay at 'access' and become familiar with that presence.. then relax and relax until thoughts arise again, but still keep the presence. so you are not affected by thoughts. this is how Tibetans combine shamata and vipashyana

it seems you are doing self inquiry? but I hope this helps you anyway.

Hi Michaelz,

Thanks for the comments. Your analysis is clear, and your practice suggestions sound spot on to me. For the time being, I'm doing my best to stick with only the questioning/doubting practice to the exclusion of all others. If any of the energetic phenomena becomes too big a hassle (e.g. makes it too hard to keep doubting), I'm happy to know I have some new options for clearing up the distraction.

~Jackson

In reviewing my current experiences with inquiring into the hua-tou, my Ch'an friend and guide gave the following advice: "Do not think you will answer the doubt or the hua-tou. But rather, that the hua-tou will answer you."

When reflecting on my practice (which I'm trying not to do so much these days), there is one recurring theme that arises more than others. Frankly, that there is no self who gets enlightened. There are no awakened egos. Nothing against the ego. It's not bad or evil or anything. It's just not who wakes up.

I've heard Jack Kornfield say in number of recorded talks that when he first started meditating, he was expecting to acquire a new enlightened personality. But that never happened. Rather, through is practice he has come to know his true nature - who he really is. He's not the only experienced teacher who says this. I hear it over and over again from the most realized people I know.

We can work on our egos. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, we probably should for the sake of others. But that is not awakening. That is not truth realization.

"Who are you really, wanderer?"

EDIT: Punctuation.

Jackson, those are some nice comments and I think you're right on. I've come to know myself as an entirely different being: one that is part and parcel of the universe. One that has a unique perspective because that's just where the senses are located (in this body). One that has mental activity being generated by the reception of sensory data. But not the one I thought I was, dreamed I was, or believed I was going to discover through my practice.

I've been pushing the practice so hard for the last month or so that I'm starting to burn out. I have some every day life stuff that I have to attend to, so I think it will be wise for me to dial my practice down a bit.

Just thought I'd let you guys know, since this is an open journal and all. It doesn't mean that I'm stopping, or that I won't make comments. I just feel the need to chill out a bit.

It's a beautiful Winter day in Portland. I think I'll run some errands with my wife, and maybe enjoy a nice meal. Simplicity and ease are calling to me.

I just got back from taking no-dog for a walk. How sweet it is.

For those who are unfamiliar with my colloquialism, "taking no-dog for a walk" means to dwell as the Witness while taking a leisurely stroll. It's one my favorite things to do on my fifteen minutes breaks from work.

Funny coincidence. I took no dog to lunch today!

"
Funny coincidence. I took no dog to lunch today!

"

Ha, ha. No-dog is truly man's best friend (pun intended).

A simple reflection...

Lately, I've been reading some articles written by Conservative Theravadins. I'm not sure why. I guess I just like to compare and contrast my practice and view with the various Contemplative traditions to see where they line up. Anyway, what I've come to discover is that I no longer relate very well to the Buddha of the Pali canon.

Rather, what has been making sense to me, more and more, are the writings of Lao Tzu - the Tao Te Ching. Take the follow passage, for example...

"Effect emptiness to the extreme.
Keep stillness whole.
Myriad things act in concert.
I therefore watch their return.
All things flourish and each returns to its root.

Returning to the root is called quietude.
Quietude is called returning to life.
Return to life is called constant.
Knowing this constant is called illumination.
Acting arbitrarily without knowing the constant is harmful.
Knowing the constant is receptivity, which is impartial.

Impartiality is kingship.
Kingship is Heaven.
Heaven is Tao.
Tao is eternal.

Though you lose the body, you do not die." (chapter 16)

The more I practice, the more I come to realize that Nirvana (Pali "Nibbana) is not just some absolute reality achieved by cessation. Rather, it is the Source - that from which the myriad things come forth and that to which they return. It is the Unmanifest; Awareness without an object. Pure potential.

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