Iftah's Practice Log

  • iftah11
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11 years 3 months ago #91558 by iftah11
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Today I had a mid-semester exam in Calculus. I thoughts I would do awfully bad because yesterday I felt as if I'm in deep dark night period, so I figured that my concentration is gonna be hampered and all but it actually went really well and it made me feel real good throughout the day.
As for meditation - I just sat for about 60 mins. It started real nice, I noted smell of my room, pleasant security, and coldness of breath. After a while it got really nasty with some really frightening mental imagery. I noted fear and tried to feel it in the body, I also tried to love it to death the Shinzen style, it actually kinda worked well. The whole meditation was really up and down, I can't really divide it to distinguishable periods. Anyway, I had some moments of daydreaming and planning thoughts, and fantasies, I had moments with nice waves of tingly sensations, I had moments with unpleasant pains, and moments when my hands felt really shaky and throbby, and I had moments of fascinating creative mental imagery.
Towards the end of the sit I got into a really negative loop, I felt awful frustration and anger, the frustration was so great it brought me to tears. I was furious! Even the tears rolling down my cheeks drove me mad! I just felt fed up to the bone.
In short, this sit was a roller coaster and right now I still feel a tension in the forehead area.
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  • iftah11
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11 years 3 months ago #91559 by iftah11
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I was kind of upset the whole day. at times realy anxious.
I just sat for about 50 mins. at first I felt a kind of a relief. noting made me calmer a bit. I had lots of scene spinning thoughts, lots of distress, although the body felt kind of pleasant msot of the sit, and I got those nice brief wavy tinglings as usual. so, my usual psychological stuff came - craving, jealousy, worry, and self-pity. But at somepoint I tried to work with the bodily sensation that went along these feelings and it kinda helped. I felt a meaningful relief and my mind simply projected optimistic mental imagery. I had a number of minutes when I noted really fast, it was exciting, and I actually wondered maybe im doing it a little bit too fast. Also the usual tension in the forehead was present.
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  • iftah11
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11 years 3 months ago #91560 by iftah11
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just sat for 45 mins. the beggining was kind of pleasant and soothing. at some I has some scary mental images, I tried sort of sending them love, and it kinda went well actually. I felt good and decided to note "metta". at that very moment i felt a very pleasant wave spreading quickly through my body. I noted metta again and it happended again. so I did it again, for the third time and also got the nice wave. so this was nice. the rest of the meditation was kind of struggle. noted lots of tiredness. I work as waiter, so during the sit I just had really lots of mental images and mental talk regarding my shift today at the restaurant. even the songs on the restaurants playlist ran through my head without stopping. it was really annoying ( I dont like my work so much (: ) and i noted lots of anger and frustration.I noted some physical pain also and an itch in my right ear. I think I may have gone through the A&P and then dissolution and then back down the nanas, but im really not sure.
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  • iftah11
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11 years 3 months ago #91561 by iftah11
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Yesterday was marked with a great depression. yesterday's sit (45 mins) was real hard work, I was tired as hell. Today's sit (45 mins) was also marked by a great fatigue, even though I slept quite well during the night. Despite feeling down, slow, and sleepy, I am feeling quite concentrated. it's just a sad concentration.
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  • iftah11
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11 years 3 months ago #91562 by iftah11
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just sat for 45 mins. the beginnig felt quite nice. I was seated in a nice and quite repose. the smell of the room was pleasant. pretty soon some nasty mental images came to mind. can it be fear nana? I felt it took only 5 mins or so until it happened...anyway i kept on noting. lots of images. lots of tiredness. sounds. stiffness of the forehead. also a lot of mental images of memories that seemed from really long ago. it is always interesting to have those. very brief though, sometimes to the point where they are hard to detect. towards the end of the sit I started feeling really irritated physically. my feet hurt, and I had again this "jump out of your skin quality". I felt as if im choking. It was really weird. anyway I tried to stay with the sensations and it was just a mess. the alarm going off was a big relief this time.
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  • iftah11
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11 years 3 months ago #91563 by iftah11
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i sat today for 60 mins. lot of ups and downs. nothing too special that i can point out though. At the beggining I felt really calm and pleasant, towards the end I became quite irritated and impatient. At the middle - a whole mix of sensations. lots of boredom this time, not typical....
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  • iftah11
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11 years 3 months ago #91564 by iftah11
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sat for 45 mins. I was grumpy throughout most of the day. beggining of the sit felt kinda nice. I felt driveness before I sat down and during the sit also, can't really tell why. towards the end ofthe sit I felt really impatient, and I stopped two mins before the clock went off. felt unsatisfied with myself over this. also I feel my concentration and presence is much weaker today for some reason.
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  • iftah11
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11 years 3 months ago #91565 by iftah11
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sat today fro 50 mins. Must saythe sit today was more pleasant than not. The beginning was more pleasant (it repeats itself lately) and the rest of the time I felt pretty much the same. Really not an emotional roller coaster as I'm used to lately. there was a few moments of fascination, moments of inspiration and a little boredom and desire to finish. I noted some planning thoughts, some daydreaming ( though very brief ) and some physical pains. After the meditation was over I put on the song "In dark trees" by Brian Eno and listened with mindfulness, eyes closed. The song is not so dramatic, but it excited me and I felt rising waves of excitement through the body at certain moments in the song.
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  • iftah11
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11 years 3 months ago #91566 by iftah11
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sat today for 50 mins. I felt concentrated but I sorta dozed off a couple of times, so it was a strange mixture. Anyway I tried as much as I could to keep up the pace of the noting. There were moments of nice absorption, but there overall of the sit was "just ok". Time passed pretty quickly and I didn't feel driven at all to finish the sit. At certain stages of the sit, I felt a bit tottery. I was just swaying a tiny bit from side to side. It's a bit strange, because I COULD stop it, it was not out of my control, but I just somehow got into this flow a few times and it just felt good so I let myself sway a bit. Anyone else had this experience.?
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  • iftah11
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11 years 3 months ago #91567 by iftah11
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Just sat for an hour.
At first I felt that Im just not doing it right and the noting practice felt really scattered. After a few minutes I felt like I went into sort of a ncie rythm. Maybe after 20 minutes or more of the session, I felt for a few seconds some very strong emotions, accompanied by pleasant waves and strong mental imagery. it was actually great desire - it manifested itself as mental images of people I find security in. As usual some tears dropped. noted itching and coldness of tears. Later I became impatient at times. even dozed off a little here and there. But I tried to continue and keep the good pace. The same A&Pish feeling i described returned towards the end of the sit. this time it was accompannied by sadness and sad mental images. After the sit was over I opened my eyes and felt optimistic- in my case it is usually acommpanied with hunger for food. So I rose went to gey my lunch.
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  • iftah11
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11 years 3 months ago #91568 by iftah11
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just sat for 40 mins. beginning was pleasant, I felt really concentrated and noted with a real good pace. atsome point i had mental images and memoried of my ex-girlfriend. i noted sadness, and pain ( emotional), and noted the heartbeats. later I experienced some scary mental images. after this I had some moments of anger, I cant even tell what i was angry about. after that there some more scary images, one was really strong but also changed really fast into something else. after the meditation was over i got on the computer and after ten mins or so got absorbed into just staring at my palms resting on the keyboard. I felt slow quiet and concentrated. I decided to move and keep doing my stuff after maybe 5 mins. The visual perception kinda changed - I felt as if everything is a bit smaller or a bit farther away. strange, but it is not the first it has happened.
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  • iftah11
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11 years 3 months ago #91569 by iftah11
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my day was horrible. I was really tired and upset, lots of hatred and judging. just sat for 55 mins. scene spinning thoughts, image. pulse. heat. stifness. unpleasant. image. memory. smell. pleasant. smell unpleasant. coldness. song. pulse. hunger. sadness. image. memory. longing. sadness. crying. crying. image. unpleasant. image. pleasant. hunger. impatience. smell. anticipation. image. planning thoughts. pain. unpleasant. alarm goes off.
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  • iftah11
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11 years 3 months ago #91570 by iftah11
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Im so glad i sat for meditation today. I was so upset and anxious during the day and in the evening before sitting I really didnt feel like doing anything. but once I sat down and started noting I started to feel some nice concentration, the heaviness wore off, and I kept sitting for an hour. at some point I felt excitment and desire, very pleasant. I also note "analysing" when I i'm aware of my inner talk about explaining to myself how stuff leads to one another, how they work, etc. I had a pain in the belly even before I sat down and it went on through the sit though it changed of course. I had really distant memroies comign back in brief menal images, really brief. noted fascination. also had some scary images, that seemed to come out of nowhere. again the pleasant smeell of the room was present. towards the end I became quite impatient, noted hunger a couple of times. When I got up from the cushion I just felt really optimistic. It was such a profound shift from how I felt before sitting down, its just amazing.
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  • iftah11
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11 years 3 months ago #91571 by iftah11
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havent been here quite a long time. broke my left hand actually so it was hard to type and anyway my days were kind of a mess. but still i didnt skip a day of meditation. today i sat for 60 mins. was really tired. noted tiredness, aversion. lots of body sensations. pain in the arm. itching. had some planning thoughts. craving, sadness, disgust. I feel that my mind just makes up sad and miserable thoughts. e.g seeing a mental image of my mother as a really sad and weak person, which she is not. maybe its the nanas. so my sit today was quite hard work. after it was over i stared at a drawer in my room for a coupole of mins - sort of a kasina session...
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  • iftah11
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11 years 2 months ago #91572 by iftah11
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Just sat for 55 mins. I was pretty concentrated and nothing too special happened. Lots of itches, heat, cold, some pains in my broken left radius bone. Some dryness in the mouth. Some boredom. In breath out breath. Some moments of sadness. Sad mental images. lots of passion also which came about mainly in the form of mental images. Some twitches of muscles in the torso ( maybe kriyas but Im not sure and guess it doesn't matter anyhow ). Some small moments of deep concentration. Towards the end of the sit there was eagerness to get up. I also had very little of those tingly body sensation. Lately I don't get them nearly as much as I used to. Also I feel my meditation is much less emotive lately.
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  • iftah11
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11 years 2 months ago #91573 by iftah11
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sat todaty fro about 55 mins.noting practice. felt quite scattered butrtried as much as icould to keep up the pace of the noting. had lots of images. lots of worry, planning thoughts. my belly felt uneasy - noted as unpleasant. felt pressure from the internal side of the ears. had a song running in my head without stopping. noted as "song" each time I "heard it". felt parts of the body that were cold. at some point, I felt pressure and maybe a thin pitch in my right ear. I noted fear and immediately afterwa\rds I experienced a series of fearful images that grew stronger and stronger until at some point after maybe 7 or 8 seconds I felt the climax in the form of great rush of fear through the body. It was as though my body squeezed or something, I felt an urge to open my eyes because the panic was so great. I didnt and after maybe 5 or 6 seconds therush was over I was still experiencing some fearful images but not nearly as strong as before. It was not the forst time I felt a rush of fear during meditation but this time was the strongest. anyway, the rest of the session was mixed. some anger some desperation some driveness to get up. some worrying thoughts. that was it. just a sidenote - im not posting here every day like i used too btu i am keeping the practice on a daily basis, sitting at least 45 mins a day.
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  • Marc_R
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11 years 2 months ago #91574 by Marc_R
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It's good to see how determined you are, Iftah. Great reports! Just keep doing what you're doing. How's your hand by the way?
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  • Eric_G
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11 years 2 months ago #91575 by Eric_G
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It's been good to follow along and see that things progress, but they take time. I think I was relatively impatient and doubtful.
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  • iftah11
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11 years 2 months ago #91576 by iftah11
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sat just now for aobut 60 mins. it was pretty hellish. anger anger anger. my fast pulse was irritating. huge bitterness. huge resentment. anger. cyclic thoughts. cyclic mental images. planning thoughts. I kjust felt totally unable to settle down.tiredness. self-pity. some fear. also a small moment of blissful excitement. unpleasant pressure near the inside of the right ear. yucky feeling inside the throat. I also caught myself a number of times frowning really stiffly, and let go of it once i noticed it. nothing seems to work - this is what I can report at the moment. anger and frustration seem to rule.

hey marc thanks so much for the encouragement and the concern. my hand is much better, still bandaged but it doesnt really hurt.

Eric i'm not sure what are you referring to here.
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  • Eric_G
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11 years 2 months ago #91577 by Eric_G
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I could see that you were apparently in a dark night area and you were practicing well and I thought you would pop out into equanimity any day. I was referring to my own impatience and doubt when I was pre SE.
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  • iftah11
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11 years 2 months ago #91578 by iftah11
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had 45 mins sit this morning. was not perfectly consistent with the noting. the overall of the sit was pleasant though. I felt a number of times strong passionate desire that was coupled with pleasant rushes of energy through the body ( the rushes are brief and last maybe 3 sec.).lots of pleasant smells. some distant memory. some fear. some planning thoughts. towards the end I felt really centered and in high concentration for a minute or two.
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  • iftah11
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11 years 2 months ago #91579 by iftah11
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oh I see what you meen eric. yeah im definitely not in eq. yet. as you can see from my reports. anyway its really comforting and also motivating to hear people like you and know that you also been through what im going right now. friends and family who know me just think im meditating for relaxation or something like that - they can't understand the great frustration and doubt that a yogi has to deal with, in addition to the ordinary day to day issues. so thank you for commenting and sharing it really means alot.

a reprt of yesterdays evening sit - I sat for 20 mins - most of the sit was pleasant. I felt concentrated and pretty silent from within. had to get up after 20 mins because of family dinner.
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  • iftah11
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11 years 2 months ago #91580 by iftah11
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Today is marked with a sticky neediness that won't let go. I just feel flooded with endless desires, and at the same time I feel disgusted by anything with the smallest potential of being disgusting. I just sat for 55 mins and it felt pretty awful most of the sit. Lots of anger lots of self pity, crying, craving and immediately after feeling anger, hate, disgust, being the victim thoughts. Also some nice memories from yesterday, even a little bit of love in reaction to mental images of close friends. Some moments of pleasant tingly waves through the body. Calculating thoughts, planning thoughts. But in general lots of anger, tiredness, hatred and disgust.
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  • iftah11
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11 years 2 months ago #91581 by iftah11
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just sat for 45 mins. nothing special, my noting was pretty persistent. though I didn't feel focused at all. lots of anger, frustration, sadness, self pity. depression.
I think I noticed a mind pattern of just letting rise to sad or miserable mental images. It gives some insight into the no-self character of the thoughts. whether im experiencing pleasant mental images or poor unpleasant ones is really not in my control (in some aspect at least).
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  • iftah11
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11 years 2 months ago #91582 by iftah11
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this morning I woke up anxious and fearful, i had a nightmare in which I was part of some war between two clans or something like this ( the enemy might have been aliens but im not sure). I was running away from the enemy's shooting. no need for carl jung to interpret this. most of my day I was irritated tired and worried.

just sat for about 55 mins - glad to say it was a pretty pleasant sit. nothing too special, but nothing too hellish also, which is great (: . anyway, I had some mental images, some memories, some planning thoughts, some worries, lots of pleasant smells, lots of pleasant coolness of breath, some sitffness between the eyebrows, some fears, some songs spinning, but some optimism also which is uncommon. in general i didn't feel an urge to get up almost at all. I had maybe one singkl wave of tingly nice sensation in the body. also some scene spinning which evoked jealousy.
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