Marc's practice notes

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11 years 1 week ago #92800 by marc
Marc's practice notes was created by marc
Thanks for putting up the new forum, Russell. I like it! I'll start importing my older posts here.
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11 years 1 week ago #92801 by marc
Replied by marc on topic Re: Marc's practice notes
[b:30moyqql]Nov 9 2011, 3:44 PM EST[/b:30moyqql]

Hi everyone!

My name is Marc, and I'm a 24 year old student from Holland. I started meditating about a year ago, but it wasn't very consistent until I came across Daniel Ingram's book last June. Since then I've been meditating daily (mostly once, sometimes twice a day) and last Saturday I had my first Skype chat with Ron Crouch. Based on the descriptions of my practice Ron thought that I am now at the 3 Characteristics , and approaching A&P. I'll try to keep a regular journal of my practice here.

May all beings be happy!
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11 years 1 week ago #92802 by marc
Replied by marc on topic Re: Marc's practice notes
[b:icsmw0wl]Nov 9 2011, 4:23 PM EST[/b:icsmw0wl]

This morning at 9.00 AM I meditated for 50 minutes.
First I concentrated on my breath for 10-15 minutes, counting the breath from 1 to 10, about 6/7 times. My concentration was fairly good, so I began noting as much sensations as I could. Now and then I felt tension in my abdomen, I noticed thinking, imagining talking to people and being in various situations, visual thoughts, wandering, itches, mild pressure and stinging in my lower back, hoping.
A few times I noticed waves of tingling (and feeling like getting goosebumps) through my upper body, accompanied by moving lights in my visual field (sometimes also slightly flickering). Feeling the first wave of tingling, I noticed a surprised feeling; I hadn't expected to have this so soon (maybe 5-10 minutes after starting noting). Also noticed feeling pleased and happy. This tingling felt rather cold most of the times, but not in an unpleasant way. Ron had told me to watch the ending of sensations when I'm feeling A&P-like sensations, so I tried to do this. I noticed that the separate sensations of tingling and visual movement disappeared suddenly, whereas in earlier meditation I would see or feel them dissapearing more gradually.
The waves of tingling and visual movements disappeared pretty quietly every time: I didn't notice it disappearing until it was gone, and I noticed restlessness, pain/stinging in my lower back, waiting for the timer to go off, thinking about the remaining time, impatience, restlessness, moving my toes, waiting. I had set the timer for 55 minutes, but after 50 minutes I reached for my phone to see the time and stopped meditating. I felt mildly disappointed.
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11 years 1 week ago #92803 by marc
Replied by marc on topic Re: Marc's practice notes
[b:1sy66cfv]Nov 9 2011, 4:26 PM EST[/b:1sy66cfv]

This evening at 8.30 PM I meditated for 25 minutes.
First I counted my breath for 5 minutes, feeling a bit impatient to start noting, so I started noting while I wasn't very concentrated yet. I was a bit absent minded most of the time, and I noticed several times that I had wandered off again, thinking about events in the past or imagined situations, melodies in my head, spacing out, and slight tension in my lower back. Then I felt a few waves of tingling, mostly through my arms, but also through my upper body. which felt a bit cold, but pleasant (again a bit goosebump-like). This tingling lasted pretty short, and then I noticed restlessness, impatience, urge to move, resisting this urge but eventually ending up moving my foot, still feeling impatient. I grabbed my phone and saw I had only sat for 25 minutes and felt very disappointed in myself, so I remained on the cushion for 2 more minutes, but then I stopped anyway.

I'm not really a coffee drinker, but about 45 minutes before meditating I had a cup of pretty strong coffee, so maybe I was more agitated because of that. Probably good to keep in mind next time.
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11 years 1 week ago #92804 by marc
Replied by marc on topic Re: Marc's practice notes
[b:gpdwfnty]RonCrouch[/b:gpdwfnty]
[b:gpdwfnty]Nov 10 2011, 12:00 AM EST[/b:gpdwfnty]

Hey Marc - I'm glad to see you are going to keep a journal. You'll get a lot of good feedback from the folks here at KFD. I look forward to reading about how things develop.
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11 years 1 week ago #92805 by marc
Replied by marc on topic Re: Marc's practice notes
[b:us797qio]Nov 10 2011, 6:51 AM EST[/b:us797qio]

Meditated 50 minutes this morning (timer set on 55 minutes).
I counted my breath from 1-10 for about 10 minutes, then stayed present with the breath for 5 more minutes. Felt pretty concentrated and began noting. Noticed thinking, tension in lower back, planning, imagining situations, thinking about how to write down my experiences. After about 15 minutes of noting, I saw moving lights in my visual field, and for a really short time I felt some mild tingling in my body. I felt a bit disappointed when the tingling stopped, and after this I noticed mach restlessness, impatience, tension in lower back. I adjusted my position slightly, and noticed that I was still feeling restless and the tension in my lower back was still present. I noticed hearing a song in my head, thinking about the lyrics, waiting, hoping, hearing, recognizing the sound as the garbage truck, realizing I didn't bring my trash can out, impatience. I reached for my phone and when I saw there were 4 minutes left, I stopped meditating.
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11 years 1 week ago #92806 by marc
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[b:pcrz6x2m]Nov 11 2011, 5:07 AM EST[/b:pcrz6x2m]

Sat for 55 minutes this morning.
First counting the breath for aprox. 10 min. then keeping my attention on the breath for 5 more minutes. Fairly good concentration.
Started noting. Thinking alot, especially remembering alot about yesterday, wandering off, planning thoughts. Felt some tension in my lower back, noted waiting, hoping, saw some mild lights, which ended pretty soon, noted dissapointment, hoping, tension and pain in my lower back, wanting to move, impatience. Eventually I adjusted my position.
Still feeling impatient and restless, noted waiting, despair, wondering what I'm doing wrong. I stretched my arms, after which the pain in my back got worse, so again I changed my position (instead of staying aware of the discomfort). Noted waiting, boredom, hoping, then I heard the bell, which surprised me, and then I got up.
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11 years 1 week ago #92807 by marc
Replied by marc on topic Re: Marc's practice notes
[b:1i371o90]Nov 11 2011, 5:30 PM EST[/b:1i371o90]

Sat 20 minutes this evening. First about 10 minutes of concentration on my breath, which didn't really work, and then I started noting half-heartedly. I felt very impatient, felt my back aching, was constantly wandering off, my attention seemed very distant. I got up way earlier than I had intended.
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11 years 1 week ago #92808 by marc
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[b:3ojj2dda]Nov 12 2011, 6:26 AM EST[/b:3ojj2dda]

Sat 55 minutes this morning.
First I counted the breath for at least 10 minutes, then I stayed focused on the breath. Felt very concentrated, my breath felt very soft and I saw moving lights.
Began noting. Noted thinking, remembering, making judgements about someone, judging myself for that, itches, tension in lower back. Then I felt a stinging feeling in my stomach, which felt quite unpleasant and disappeared after aprox. 30 sec.
Then I saw moving/morphing lights and felt a few waves of fine tingling/vibrations through my arms and upper body (very pleasant). I noticed that after a sensations ended, I still felt a mental impression of it, that faded away gradually.
The tingling stopped, and I noticed that the tension/stinging in my lower back got more intense again. Noticed restlessness, urge to change my position, impatience, swallowing, clearing throat, urge to get up. I was trying to stay present with the unpleasant sensations, but felt very much resistance, tried to let go, felt my body tightening, noticed waiting. The restless and impatient feeling lasted until I heard the bell, and I felt very relieved.
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11 years 1 week ago #92809 by marc
Replied by marc on topic Re: Marc's practice notes
[b:23d18usw]JLaurelC[/b:23d18usw]
[b:23d18usw]Nov 12 2011, 11:38 AM EST[/b:23d18usw]

Good reports, Marc. I'm impressed that you stayed with it for as long as you did this morning. Sounds like you were having a difficult sit.
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11 years 1 week ago #92810 by marc
Replied by marc on topic Re: Marc's practice notes
[b:3uoo8yla]RonCrouch
Nov 12 2011, 5:01 PM EST[/b:3uoo8yla]

I agree with JLaurelC - great reports, really sticking to just the facts without creating a lot of interpretation. Next time we chat I'll have a much better clue about what you're experiencing on the cushion.

Just a note: if the back pain is very bad you do not have to sit in a traditional posture or use a cushion on the floor. If you can maintain mindfulness and continue noting accurately, then sit in a comfy chair or even lay down (but not if you're tired).

Ron
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11 years 1 week ago #92811 by marc
Replied by marc on topic Re: Marc's practice notes
[b:3rl6rgn1]Nov 13 2011, 8:36 AM EST[/b:3rl6rgn1]

Thanks for the encouragement, JLaurelC and Ron! About my back: the pain isn't unbearable or very bad; I think I'm also focusing on it more when I'm feeling restless and impatient, which makes it feel bigger than it actually is.

This morning I sat for 50 minutes (timer was set on 55 minutes).
Counted the breath for 10 minutes, spacing out alot, then tried to stay present with the breath without counting, still wandering off alot and getting lost in thoughts. Nevertheless, I was feeling pretty calm.
Started noting, noticed many thoughts, some wandering off, tension in my back, pressure in my legs, mapping thoughts. I opened my eyes for about a minute and saw the white wall flickering, and when I closed my eyes again, I still saw a bit of flickering. I felt some very fine vibrations in my body, and wondered if I just imagined this (still I'm not sure...). Again noticed mapping thoughts, interpreting, doubting, mental and physical restlessness, boredom, impatience. Feelings of restlessness and impatience stayed until I looked at the timer; I saw I had 5 minutes left and decided to get up. Felt disappointed for not just waiting for the bell to ring.
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11 years 1 week ago #92812 by marc
Replied by marc on topic Re: Marc's practice notes
[b:1z7he2u8]Nov 14 2011, 4:01 AM EST | Post edited: Nov 14 2011, 7:50 AM EST[/b:1z7he2u8]

Sat 55 minutes this morning. First counted the breath, then kept focused on the breath without counting. Had a lot of thoughts, but was pretty concentrated at the same time.
Started noting. Still I noticed lots of thoughts, a lot of them accompanied by 'visual thinking' (remembering and imagining). Felt some tension in my upper body and a few muscle twitches in the chest and shoulder area.
Sooner than normally I noticed waves of goosebump-like tingling vibrations, which stayed longer than usual, and came back more often than usual. This felt pleasant. Tension in my back and pressure in my legs and butt were almost entirely absent during these vibration waves. Still my mind was pretty scattered. Also seeing some fine flickering, but not much.
The tingling subsided, and then I was feeling a bit cold for a short time, without much other sensations. I noticed some minor tingling sensations, and then the familiar restlessness, impatience, wanting to move, and waiting for the bell. I also felt some pressure in the back of my head and my neck, and tension and pressure in my chest/upper back. I tightened my body a bit and moved my head slightly, and after that kept my body still, while staying aware of the restlessness. When the bell rang, I felt surprised, because I didn't expect it yet, felt relieved, and got up.

I noticed during this sit that I'm a bit sissatisfied with the speed of my noting. It's not very consistent; sometimes I space out for a short time, and sometimes I'm still aware of sensations, but simply not noting explicitly. I'll try to stay aware of any judging thoughts about this and to constistently keep noting.
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11 years 1 week ago #92813 by marc
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[b:14h1uzkh]Nov 15 2011, 6:05 AM EST[/b:14h1uzkh]

55 minutes sit this morning. Counted the breath first, had many thoughts, didn't feel very concentrated. After about 15 minutes I saw flickering and moving lights. Started noting and kept seeing this for a while. Still a lot of thinking, many mental images, imagining situations. Noticed a few waves of tingling throughout the whole sit. These waves felt pleasant , but didn't last long.
I heard some sounds, noticed interpreting/recognizing these sounds. Also noticed planning, hoping.
I felt tension/pain in my back, first at different places, but eventually just one spot in the middle of my back remained. One moment this tension turned broke up into fine vibrations, which felt very pleasant and interesting.
I started feeling restless, and noticed that when this started, my back pain immediately intensified. Noticed impatience, urge to move, wondering about the time, moving my upper body slightly back and forth, after which I still felt restless. Just when I wanted to change my position, the bell rang.

A few times I noticed that I had kind of stopped noting, and after realizing this, I naturally began noting again. Had a few moments of spacing out / riding a thought train without being aware of it.
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11 years 1 week ago #92814 by marc
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[b:3v66p3iw]Nov 16 2011, 4:19 AM EST[/b:3v66p3iw]

Sat 50 minutes this morning. Pretty typical sit. First counted the breath for 10-15 minutes, felt pretty concentrated.
Started noting. Noticed a lot of thinking and remembering. Felt some waves of tingling through my upperbody and some mild vibrations. Saw some flickering lights, just a few times.
The usual restlessnes and impatience, accompanied by growing back ache and urge to move or get up. Eventually I changed my position. Then I became very aware of all the sound that reached me; everything I heard had a pulsing and kind of vibrating quality.
I got up 5 minutes before the timer went off.
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11 years 1 week ago #92815 by marc
Replied by marc on topic Re: Marc's practice notes
[b:3270slpf]Nov 17 2011, 5:42 AM EST[/b:3270slpf]

45 min. sit this morning, most of the time really absent minded. Counted the breath for 10-15 minutes. Thinking a lot, and I didn't feel very concentrated.
I started noting: still many thoughts, wandering off a lot. Spaced out several times, forgetting to keep noting. During the whole sit I had many images from last night in my mind, remembering conversations and re-living situations.
A few minor tingling waves.
Changed my position after about 30 minutes because of back aches. Noticed many itches. I was feeling just a bit restless and impatient, but mostly just bored.
I don't feel enthousiastic about meditating lately, I guess my motivation is a bit less because it's not progressing as fast as I'd like. But I'll keep going...
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11 years 1 week ago #92816 by marc
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[b:ir2nbhjd]Nov 17 2011, 4:12 PM EST[/b:ir2nbhjd]

Just meditated, don't know how long, probably 45 minutes.
Counted the breath for a pretty long time, then kept focusing on the breath. Felt really concentrated. Then started noting.
Noting felt quite accurate, but it seemed like I had less mental and physical input than usual. Sometimes I felt like I was spacing out, but I wasn't, because I was still noting whatever was occurring.
Thought about today, noticed some guilt and shame for not having studied enough today, self-judgement, smiling. Felt one pretty intense itch at my eye, which felt very annoying, and eventually disappeared.
I noticed that my arms and hands had started to feel very heavy and solid (sort of a statue-like feeling, which I hadn't experienced for a long time): this felt really pleasant in a strange way. After about 5 minutes the heaviness dissolved into very fine and subtle vibrations.
I didn't experience any waves of tingling or flickering lights, which is unusual. All in all it was a very different sit. This made me wonder about the stages; I tried not to hold on to these 'mapping thoughts'.
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11 years 1 week ago #92817 by marc
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[b:36j4v2d5]Nov 18 2011, 4:12 AM EST[/b:36j4v2d5]

Sat 50 minutes this morning.
Concentrated on the breath for about 15 minutes. Felt moderately concentrated.
Started noting. Noticed a lot of thoughts, remembering situations, and imagining situations.
Noticed a few minor waves of tingling, but this time they felt more like chills. I also felt a bit cold during the entire sit. It was colder than usual in my sitting place, so that could be the cause of the chilly feeling.
I forgot to note many times, feeling semi-spaced out. Didn't feel really compelled to note intensively. The last part of the sit I mostly noted boredom.
I didn't have any back aches during this sit, which surprised me. Also much less restlessness and impatience.
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11 years 1 week ago #92818 by marc
Replied by marc on topic Re: Marc's practice notes
[b:16jxhp74]Ron Crouch
Nov 18 2011, 10:20 AM EST[/b:16jxhp74]

Hang in there and don't stop, I suspect that you are getting to a place on the path where spacing out and boredom, along with a sense that "it just isn't working" or "I'm not doing it right" is a normal experience. This will change as time goes on and you will find things to challenging in a new way. Let's chat soon!
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11 years 1 week ago #92819 by marc
Replied by marc on topic Re: Marc's practice notes
[b:687fx98y]JLaurelC
Nov 18 2011, 2:01 PM EST[/b:687fx98y]

Yes; I notice that as soon as I get semi-accustomed to a pattern it shifts into something else. Or else I think I'm "done" with a certain pattern and then it comes back again. As for motivation: mine comes and goes, and I guess the trick is to do it anyway. Sometimes I'm more successful with that approach than at other times (I'm about to post a complaint to that effect on my own thread!). I keep telling myself that the only way to make any progress is keep at it! You really have a lot of good practice sessions here.
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11 years 1 week ago #92820 by marc
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[b:3lo6ynw0]Nov 18 2011, 3:19 PM EST | Post edited: Nov 18 2011, 3:23 PM EST[/b:3lo6ynw0]

Thanks again for you support, Ron and Laurel! At this point in my practice that's really helpful. Although I don't feel very motivated to meditate lately, sitting in the morning has fortunately become part of my routine. But sitting in the evening or afternoon still takes a lot of discipline (that's why I rarely sit twice a day now). I agree with you, Laurel, on just doing it anyway, even when I'm not feeling motivated.
For now I'll just keep going on!
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11 years 1 week ago #92821 by marc
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[b:938tru0a]Nov 19 2011, 11:24 AM EST[/b:938tru0a]

Sat 45 minutes this morning.
As usual I started with counting the breath for aprox. 10 minutes.
Switched to noting: noticed remembering, thinking ahead, planning, fantasizing, wandering off. Noticed some waves of tingling, some of which felt less tingly. No flickering sight.
Noticed doubting: am I doing things ricght, is my noting good enough? Mapping thoughts, boredom, a bit of tension in my back (not really painful). At the end I noticed impatience, restlessness, yawning twice. I moved a bit and eventually I stopped 5 minutes before the timer went off.
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11 years 1 week ago #92822 by marc
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[b:1r1lhx8m]Nov 21 2011, 6:11 AM EST | Post edited: Nov 23 2011, 4:57 AM EST[/b:1r1lhx8m]
Had a skype conversation with Ron Saturday evening, which clarified a lot and boosted my motivation.

Yesterday morning I sat 45 minutes. First counted the breath, then noted. In short: in the beginning a lot of thoughts, then some mild tingling sensations. After that less thinking, waiting, not knowing what to note. Some more tingling, and then a lot of thoughts again, restlessness and impatience.

This moring I sat 50-55 minutes. As usual, I started out with counted the breath (aprox. 15 min.). Felt really concentrated.
Started noting. Lots of thoughts, remembering, fantasizing, thinking ahead, planning. Itches, some aches, hearing, lots of image thoughts accompanying other thoughts.
Then I felt some tingling waves through my upper body, still thinking quite a lot, but not feeling distracted.
When no more tingling appeared, I gradually felt more like I was losing my concentration. I noticed less thoughts than before, and it seemed like I coudn't follow all sensations as accurately as before. My whole body felt kind of cool, in a neutral way. Sort of semi-spaced out feeling, which made me doubt: am I not paying enough attention or are there just less sensations to note?
I noticed some thoughts, but felt like I was following them too slowly, without really being aware of them. My attention was slower than the mental phenomena. I also noticed that I was wondering if this was dissolution, and if I wasn't scripting myself.
After aprox. 15 (?) minutes in this 'state', I noticed one big wave of mild tingling through my entire body, and it seemed as if I was now more aware of physical and mental sensations. After this, the mild tension in my back, that had been present throughout the whole sit, intensified and I started to feel restless. I noticed more 'mental chaos' and an urge to move and/or get up. I resisted this urge a few times, and then got up.
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11 years 1 week ago #92823 by marc
Replied by marc on topic Re: Marc's practice notes
[b:1humcn6e]Nov 22 2011, 8:16 AM EST | Post edited: Nov 22 2011, 8:17 AM EST[/b:1humcn6e]

Meditated for 30 minutes this morning. Started with counting my breath, had a lot of thoughts at first, then saw some flickering and felt tingling sensations.
Started noting. Noticed that I was spacing out much of the time. I felt very absent minded, and noted confusion, doubts, and wondering what I should note. Got up after 30 minutes, sooner than I had intended.
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11 years 1 week ago #92824 by marc
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[b:13d7ubty]Nov 23 2011, 4:38 AM EST[/b:13d7ubty]

Yesterday evening I meditated for 30 minutes.
Started with counting the breath, felt pretty concentrated.
Started noting. Lots of thinking and image thoughts. Many itches all over my upper body. I noticed that the noting speeded up, becoming faster and more accurate than ever. It felt a bit like I was watching myself noting like a madman, noting all the fast and chaotic sensations.
Then I felt tingling sensations, that felt different than usually, it's hard to put in words, but I guess they felt more rapturous, very pleasant.
Gradually I noticed more silence and it seemed like there was less noting material. It became difficult to note accurately or even noticing sensations. For a moment it felt like my posture was a bit collapsing, which didn't actually happen. Again some tingling waves, and the noting was gaining more speed and accuracy. Also more itches, some aching. Thinking about the time, wondering how long I was sitting, deciding it's been long enough.
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