sparqis logs

Hi Sangha!

Cutting to the chase: I have no explicit experience of vipassna or samatha.

Samatha arouses most curiosity, so Im going to start here.

My instructions are:

1. Get a kasina object. You only need one. Cereal bowls or small plates work great. It should be about 8-10" in diameter, without designs. Earth colors are best, as they don't give you eye strain. (For years I carried around one of those cheap plastic bowls they use in Burma for bathing from tanks of (cold) water (yikes).)
2. Prop the bowl against the wall.
3. Sit about 4-6' away.
4. Stare at the bowl.

Ive cut out a circular bit of white paper and stuck it on a blueish wall with blue tack at comfortable eye level where I sit zazen Burmese style. I have reproducible quiet and mellow lighting conditions. This arrangement is very easy on the eyes.

Initially I commit to a week of one hour daily Samatha before review and resetting of intent.

My sitting prep is to at least wash the face and then shake loose the joints especially around the neck, upper spine and shoulders, intending to encourage a settling, relaxing-down alertness.

My intent is to explicitly set a minimal 'compounding' of experience intent and stick to it.

I intend to keep my eyes focus within the whitish disc for an hour, allowing myself to blink naturally but not shut whilst keeping sitting posture. My intent is not to endure/dwell on or examine pain type sensations.

Kenneths final instruction is:

5. Let us know what happens. (You may be amazed at the antics a simple cereal bowl can perform.)

I intend to summarise the hour in note form, minimising the speculation and sticking to the facts of happening ma'am...and post daily.

I would be grateful to read any comments

hi Sangha!
Please read my profile if my personal meditation language seems confusing...

Ok sat the first days hour as intended and went to write this after time was up. My sticking to an exit intention is weak & so important to me.

Seemed to retain poise, attention moulded by intention on the disc for the majority of the hour. Occasional thoughts and meanings mostly streamed in the background. Mostly thoughts on how to report this and worrying about 'am I doing it right?' and 'creative' ideas of how to play with it.

Although poise seemed to be constant, the eyes muscle focus drifted all over the place, and once naturally settled down, very quickly vision seemed to saturate and tended to that orangey bloodlit dark of seeing the back of the eyelids, with its swirling static/light spots. Also observed flashing greyish sheets popping up which obscured any possible form/colour visual sensations as representative of 'out there'. I allowed/followed this for half the meditation, but worried about it being trance-ing out (although intention and bodily sensations seemed clear). As if fog was rolling in from the periphery but had not reached the core. It had a heavier/darker hue. Freshening the eyes to bring the focus muscles in line with intent reformed the discs image, and I tried to get a balance between efforting the eye muscle focus on to the disc form and reshaping the little self/attention to provide the 'lightly touching' with vision remaining bright and focused for the rest of the meditation. This was led by the idea/intent that keeping the fog rolled out as far as possible and thus maximising lucidity was 'better' than watching the fog come in. I can see a balance between lucidity and fog being found which minimised effort and the 'rejecting' of an unwanted because perhaps hypnogogic state.

cont...

Welcome Sparqi. I like your systematic approach and your decision to begin with the practice that most piques your interest. I predict that you will do well with that kind of attitude. (Also, quotes from 1950s television shows like Dragnet are always welcome. "Just the facts, ma'am.")

I'll be interested to see if the white kasina gives you any problems, perhaps being a bit harsh. If so, just change to an earth-tone. The Vissudhimagga recommends painting the disk "the color of the new dawn." I've used various earth colors with good results, but I haven't tried white. It may be fine. Let us know what happens!

Kenneth

cont...

However there was clarity around the fog so to speak, because it seemed to be physiological and led by slumping of posture and crimping of the back of the neck. I believe I was/could be clearly aware of body sensations and sounds simultaneously, if I wanted to be.

So to clarify the intent of Samatha:
Is 'concentration' on the object meant to the exclusion of all other sensations, or inclusive of the little subject and ambient sounds, periphery vision etc, where the disc is the anchor?

Is fog or clarity 'better'? Im not clear whether the intent is to be aware of what comes up, be it hypnogogic or not, or to be constantly lucidly clear?

Thanks for any guidance...

hi Kenneth!

Thanks for the welcome...Iam truly glad to have found this forum and particularly you Kenneth! Theres a story here that'll be told someday Please do have a look at my profile intro if moved, to get an idea of where Iam coming from....

At the moment the colour of the Kasina seems to need to have a fairly strong contrast with its background. The lighting conditions I have are perhaps tooooo mellow!! White appears as kind of creamy grey...perhaps not too far from a new dawn in england where it can be quite grey!

"

"

Just to try and answer one of my own questions:
"Is 'concentration' on the object meant to the exclusion of all other sensations, or inclusive of the little subject and ambient sounds, periphery vision etc, where the disc is the anchor?"

The comprehensive answer is 'cycle the chicken herding'...Start with tight focus for 5 mins, then progressively widen the aperture so to speak? And use the disc as the anchor?

"Just to try and answer one of my own questions:
"Is 'concentration' on the object meant to the exclusion of all other sensations, or inclusive of the little subject and ambient sounds, periphery vision etc, where the disc is the anchor?"
The comprehensive answer is 'cycle the chicken herding'...Start with tight focus for 5 mins, then progressively widen the aperture so to speak? And use the disc as the anchor?"

Yes! Sparqi, this is correct. Let your mind naturally widen the field of awareness as you deepen into concentration. Just remember, this is not about you. This happens of its own accord. The perceptual field naturally widens as you go deeper into concentration. This is built-in, and in fact, is part of the definition of deepening concentration; the perceptual field widens and the attention becomes more diffuse. All you have to do is let it happen. All you have to do is stop pretending to be in charge. This insight, that you are not in charge, is fundamental to the work you are doing. The less in charge you think you are, the more clearly you are seeing. Let go and see what happens. When you step aside entirely, even for a moment, that is a moment of awakeness.

Thanks for the clear reporting and your enthusiasm for your practice. You are an inspiration to all of us.

Kenneth

Thanks for guidance Kenneth.
I must sheepishly confess initially I felt annoyance/frustration in the sense 'I know this'/'dont patronise me'!. But then I remembered this is why I cant be taught. Remembered.. hangon this guys an arahat, Iam not!!. So put aside my pride for a moment and carefully read...'you are not in charge' rang out.

For me this centres around how to do and not do. How is meditation different from not meditating. There is a different intent. But minimise it to essentials. As to hold an intent compounds experience, muddies the water, particularly when my 'little' intent is felt held/bound/knotted to the eyes & head.

OK state minimal scaffold intent clearly...then forget it, trust it to the Big Self to call the little self back if drifts. Call this the 'Big Intent'.

Minimal intent: keep eyes open and pointing at disk, keep spine straight, stay sitting...thats it...thus accept whatever happens, fog or lucidity etc trust the little self will be reminded if necessary.

Felt agitated/unsettled, rapid blinking. Dry eyed. Burning at back of eyes. Accepted this..went on for 10mins or so.
Felt smoothness within lower torso, disk image stabilised, blinking calmed.
Inner eye light show...purple rings, yellow plasmatic movements.
Felt sense of solidness...attributed it to reality of outside world.
Felt sense of back of eyes and neck opening, like channel widening between disk and smoothness feeling.
Felt sense of cool spaciousness arising replacing channel.
Remembered intent, gently brought myself back to disk.
Prob drifted in fog for a while...
Felt agitated, more blinking.
Smoothness
Inner eye light show
Solidness out there
channel opening
Spaciousness

cont...

Self chatter to the fore...I see a cycle. If I look for something Ill find it. That I prefer particular spokes of the wheel...therefore resist 'bad/inferior' encourage 'good/superior'. The little self in time struggles with anticipated little self. My little selfs left arm wrestles with its anticipated right arm! Felt relief, that its a cycle..Progress...elation...pleased with self.

Remembered intent..

...drifted off in fog...

Felt radiative brightness of body...chest feels like it becomes turgid with energy. Erect spine effortless because of turgidity.
Remembered intent, gently brought myself back.
Fascination with body energetics, head relaxation, eyes visual field feel like wings tucked in at rest along the side of my head(as if my head was a bird). I remember this feeling/image...
Remembered intent, felt remembering was enough...didnt gently bring myself back...didnt care to.
Self congratulatory self talk.
Feeling pleased with myself.
Laughing at feeling pleased with myself.
Felt agitated, smoothness of lower torso kinaesthetic, shaded into a touch of anxiety.
Head chatter foregrounded.
Feeling of irritation at being irritated.
Reminded of intent, gently brought myself back to disk.
right ear became prominent, shifts of feeling on the rhs of head. Tinitus became prominent.
Fascination...anticipation....Time up. Remembered intent to exit. Reluctantly did so and to write.

Fruit:

Ive manged to put aside pride for once and be guided!! (good thing Kenneth says he is an arahat!)
Setting clear intent and forget works...more or less...allows to accept & not resist more of what happens. Watch the fog rolling in.
Perhaps first recognition of state cycle...what a relief, less inner state preferences/grasping and self-fighting.

Lastly, while Im feeling a little jubilant...a further refinement of Big Intent occurred to me while sitting...'Its time to wake up'...and I didnt deride myself for my own arrogance. heheheheheheh

barebones intent:
Its time to awake. 1 hour good posture, eyes open and directed at disk.

Log:
General agitation of settling. Impatience.
Smoothed out into one pointed poise on disk.
Sense of relaxing around poise.
Eyes, became tense pulling themselves all over the place.
Yawned alot.
Fog rolled in...soporific, slumping, upper head felt clogged, heavy and clamped.
Doubts about whether should stay with fog or brighten up/refresh...
Brightened up..
Vague uneasiness & irritability. Couldnt identify any specific source.
Efforting required just to remain seated. Urges to clock watch.
Time-up. Thank God! Felt glad it was over. To write.

Eooow.

"barebones intent:
Its time to awake."-sparqi

Dear Sparqi,

This is good. Keep it simple. Strip it down, then strip it down some more. After that, strip away the rest. When you've stripped it all away, there is awareness. The rest is fluff.

Kenneth

WORRIES (the speculative chatter):

I feel a clear preference for what I describe in the last paragraph as a 'good/better concentration state'. This feels opposed to a clamped heavy upper head accompanied by fog rolling in trance-ing out as 'hypnogogic state'. Doubt arises about this...'is this right?' or 'unnecessary', 'should I accept/stay with 'what happens' and roll with the fog rolling in'?.

In Q&A on Samatha, Kenneth writes:
"The real danger is getting lost in a hypnogogic state that is neither samatha nor vipassana."

This seems very pertinent to me, because when I practiced shikantaza 'just sitting' where barebones intent could be characterised as just 'awareness' and no fluff (how i understand your comment) I feel I probably wasted most of my time floating around in hypnogogic daydreamy states...and became more disassociated and apathetic rather than say present, disidentified and in equanimity.

My sense is I need to be clear about samatha and vipassana, to be confident I have that balance, to be clear about hypnogogic states...to be able to reliably without second guessing/worrying, no fluff 'just sit' in awareness.

I guess Im asking ideally...is there a good way of identifying when one is falling into undesirable hypnogogic type states?

This is the crux of it. Any guidance would be most appreciated...hear a pleaing tone!

Thanks for comment Kenneth...it nails my major worry dilemma which inhibits my meditation practice...more below.


barebones intent: Awake! Keep good posture with eyes wide open pointing at disk for 1 hour.

Hold disk gently in the attention. i.e. this session is a samatha practice.

Log:
In no temporal order...
Speculative chatter about methodology & relation between samatha, vipassana, witness & shikantaza, technique/no technique etc bubbled and foregrounded frequently.

Feeling of Smooth & steady from root to eyes.

Flipping between feeling of 'steady solid out there' of disk, and (in contrast) disk as part of sensorium & a fluctuating/saturating visual image (in here), depending on fluctuating physiological state of perceiving organ.

Kinaesthetic bright radiativeness 'emanating' sensations.

Foregrounding of the eyes, perinaeum on cushion (root) and disk as a felt triangle, where centre of gravity felt at root also disk and root had strong 'affinity'. Relaxation around this with a felt 'opening' or increased spaciousness at back of the eyes and neck..followed by a rising of excitation from the root upwards. Felt more here and now real world 'presence'.

timeup.

...and probably a bit of whining too!!!! ahem.

Other Points:
I woke up this morning and for the first time ever felt my eye-balls to be just another part of my body and the world. They had lost their excessive charging/'specialness'! They could rest. Felt to a degree disorientated as the somatic sensations with which my 'i'ness is anchored are usually around and behind the eye-balls. For me this is huge! I immediately resolved to investigate/stabilise this novel state of being, but fell asleep...DAMN!!

Chances are that this has been a consequence of beginnning to play around with samatha-ing these 'i'ness eyeball/head sensations while watching tv last night. This seems productive..perhaps should schedule an evening meditation focusing on these sensations rather than the disk. Also need to get clear about intent differences between vipassana and samatha.

Walking Meditation: Wanting to explore the setting of a barebones intent and then letting things fall as they may while noting, this led me to set a particular walking route without time limit and to see what happens without consciously willing anything. I felt an increased sense of disembedding from volitional quality sensations..i.e. they emerged/arose without my 'real' intention/willing playing a role. Genuine surprise and vague disorientation were the fruit.

Barebones Intent: Awake! Samatha, hold disk gently in attention with good posture and wide open eyes until buzzer.

Log:
Moved between states as described before, mostly familiar territory.
What became more apparent was observing the reminders of previously set intent arriving, and impermanence of 'preferred' energetic-psycho-somatic corresponding form of the intent. Inevitably one a-wakes and a-sleeps. So 'alertness' brightens and dulls, head 'opens' and clenches as thoughts foreground and backgrounds etc. Perhaps also the craving for open-relaxed-alertness and aversion to groggy-foggy head clenching is a concomittant to formal meditation intent.

What seemed new was that while wobbling between senses of the disk being real and solid 'out there', and a fluctuating visual image 'in here', it moved to 'kinaesthetic radiating body radiates solid disk sensation from lower torso/root' in other words the sense of 'solidness out there' previously noted moved to solidness below and lighter head 'up there', also thus that sense of affinity between disk and root. A sense of stratification of densenseness of ummm energetics...something like that. That sounds a bit philosophical but it feels like a definite real state rather than just a passing thought/different way of seeing things... which Ive observed before.

It occurs that perhaps I should play with moving the disk upwards, and swapping to a plant to see if this makes any difference. Shelf this for a later date.

time up.

"I guess Im asking ideally...is there a good way of identifying when one is falling into undesirable hypnogogic type states?"-sparqi

Yes! There is a way, and it is bulletproof. Or, more specifically, there is a way of ensuring, with 100% certainty, that you are doing it right in any given moment.

Drum roll, please...

If you can note, you are not wasting your time. If you are noting, you are not in a hypnogogic state, are not embedded in experience, and are not confusing experience with self. This is the unique genius of the Mahasi noting technique; there is a built-in feedback loop that ensures success. I discussed this with Joel in the Folk/Groover interviews on Buddhist Geeks Magazine:

www.buddhistgeeks.com/2010/04/the-feedba...op-staying-on-track/

If you are sleepy and you note "sleepy," you are fine. If you are dull and you note "dullness," you are doing it right. If you feel embedded and you note "embedded," you are not embedded. If you are confused and you note "confusion," you are not confused. As long as you apply the noting technique, you never have to wonder whether you are wasting your time; you are not. Every moment of noting is a moment of awakeness.

"The noting technique brings enlightenment, first on a part-time and later on a full-time basis."-Ovādacariya Sayādaw U Paṇḍitābhivaṃsa, aka U Pandita

dana!

round of applause!!

Yes! I get it. Light bulb goes on. Thanks Kenneth. Seriously!....Cutting to the chase:

Vague intent for one hour to samadhi the eyes and head...and do some explicit noting.

Log:
Started noting...first body location of foregrounding sensation, then body sensation tone...forgot to do the thought type noting during a specific period, or couldnt do it, and found myself looking for thoughts, and when seemingly finding one then stumped for words, so began noting 'looking', 'looking'. Noticed when 'stuck' to nail/identify what was happening, began phasing/spacing out...as I write this it occurs to note..'spacing', 'finding'...these seem kind of volitional/creative thoughts within which there is strong embedding and phasing out going on as they emerge. I cannot perceive their beginning or ends either.

Because of vague intent i found myself willing to note head sensations, so I dropped the noting and tried samadhi-ing the eyes and head. Closed my eyes, began feeling giddy, ungrounded, even dizzy. Dizziness increased if i moved on cushion. Very different from when one is relaxing in a chair and doing the same thing.

Opened eyes and rested their focus on disk, but held the sensations around the eye-balls in the attention. Felt more pleasant to do. After a while I noted being unable to isolate the back of the eyes without becoming simultaneously aware of my back down to the root, and likewise for the front of the eyes and the front of my body down the chest. Curious. Sensation around the eyes including the boundary into the visual field, usually have that peculiar little 'i'ness quality to them. I noted that this appears more when the eyes move, and also tend to smear all over the place when I was able to lock on to them for awhile. Chicken herding methinks.

Played around with involuntary and seemingly voluntary eye movements...cant perceive their difference clearly. Curious. Similar to voluntary/involuntary breathing. Deeply mysterious!

time up.

Will refine the intent to be same as morning session except explicitly hold eye-balls gently in the attention rather than disk. Good comparative experiment. Also as Kenneth wrote elsewhere, one shouldnt note during samatha...so I'll explicitly note during the beginning of each session for half an hour before doing the hours samatha...and see how that goes...

If all else fails follow the instructions!

barebones intent:
Awake! Hold good posture and disk in eye focus for half an hour while noting whatever comes up, first emphasising body sensation, then thoughts. Then Samatha, hold disk within gentle attention and good posture for one hour, and noting 'worry' if worrying about phasing out.

Log:
Began setting posture and eyes on disk, then noting physical sensations as the attention jumped around and about the posture and poise...eyes, disk, breathing, root, back of head, tingling leg etc. After a while the jumping around slowed and tended to dwell in particular places. The noting seems to encourage dwelling in particular places rather than flow. After 15mins swapped to noting thoughts. Very effective in stopping thoughts dead, yet noting seems to stimulate particular kinds of thought 'expressing', 'finding', 'shoulding', 'evaluating', 'reviewing' 'pattern matching', 'pattern connecting' etc. Locus of attention dwelled strongly in the head.

Began samatha in good concentration methinks, as quickly entered 'smoothness', then root-disk solidness and affinity, then root radiative kinaesthetic brightness. Then it seemed the radiativeness rose to the chest/heart, which was new, so mind got excited and attempted to articulate what was happening. This kind of snuffed out the radiativeness. Then became agitated and restless, requiring efforting to just sit. Started noteing in order to roll with it, strong feelings of frustration and irritation. Reminders of intent arrived, and remembering of disk, hold in gentle attention etc. Disk solidifies, root foregrounds, begins radiating, and rises to chest. Mind attempts to grasp with the cover story of 'how to express it'. Snuffs out radiation and agitation, restlessness, frustration etc. A couple of cycles of this. At some point during this cycle began to get an inkling that unease is somatically sourced at the solar plexus and chest.

Time up.

On review, during mind getting excited and wanting to express what was going on...there is space-ing trance-ing out. Strong embedding in wanting to express/articulate 'elegantly'...already too embedded to remember to begin note-ing at this point.

barebones intent:
Didnt really set it for this evening. Vaguely note for the beginning and samatha the head and eyes for the rest.

Log:

Noteing body sensations, seemed to go ok. Although it was taking up to a second at times trying to figure out how to describe, and the attention had moved on. Noteing thoughts was treacley. Essentially crawled to a halt, with seemingly few thoughts going on.

Smathaing the head was hard going, and resorted to noteing the sensations in the head if I worried about trance-ing out. There seemed to be a 'sheet' or plane of dullness from the back of the neck passing through the ears and the centre of the head up to top. Little 'i'ness most strongly showed up AS the visual field. Felt increasingly sleepy, fedup and tired (of it). I noted these but bust the intent after only half an hour of samatha. Feel very tired.

Note to self...set the intent clearly.

Slept badly woke up late with central channel foregrounded from root to crown. Tense pressured skull cap.

Began reading Ingrams 'Mastering Core Teachings'

Felt wacked by strong episode of 'crushing despair' felt like no energy to even sit up straight. Lay down with sheet of tension across forehead and seemingly continual dropping sensation in chest. Sorrow. Pointlessness. Fell asleep, washed out on meditations.

Finished first reading of Daniel Ingrams book. Ooooh impactful.

barebones intent: Samatha disk with good posture for 1 hour.

Seemed to have steady relaxed concentration on disk for at least half an hour. Then began thinking about this:

"In this full field of experience or manifestation, there seems to be no special or permanent spot that is observing, controling, separated from, or subject to any other point or aspect of the rest of the causal field of experience or manifestation." p.276

and realised (joined the dots):

In the sensorium of sensations the feeling of the back of eyes do not see the viusal field. One sensation does not see another. The feeling of the adjustment of the focus muscles is not the cause of the change in the content of the visual field. The feeling of the closing of the eyelids does not cause the visual fields content to transform into the back of the eyelids. The feelings of the eyeballs swivelling does not cause changes within the visual field. Sensations around the visual field and eye balls are concurrent reportage. Sensations do not cause other sensations.

Peeled off a layer of the identification with the eyes and head.

The visual field widened whilst still 'attending' to the disk, some strobing occured at the periphery.

Timeup.