Sauntering Down The Endless Path - A Practice Journal

The last few weeks have been educational to say the least, not only in formal practice but in daily life too and not always in pleasant or life-affirming ways. I've come to the conclusion that I have not attained 4th path which was a difficult thing to accept, or even admit to myself, but has been necessary for me to move on with practice regardless of how 'done' I think I am. For the last week I've been sinking deeper and deeper into a heavy period of Dark Night which has only just begun to lift. It's been quite possibly the most bizarre and horrific confrontation with some of the darkest, most chaotic mindstuff I've ever had to deal with in my life but turned out to be the most intensely cleansing and deeply insightful periods I've experienced.

To cut a long story short, I had some stuff happen in work which pushed me to huge levels of anxiety and stress in a very short period of time. I've hardly been meditating and have been complacent when it comes to staying mindful, so I was blindsided by 11th ñana coming along at the same time as these other events, while finding myself fully embedded in the experience and seemingly unable to get out. This was like full-blown psychosis, the sort of crazy breaks Daniel talks about in MCTB, and I was forced to sit and watch my mind manufacture these elaborate plots and conspiracies against me by people in work. It was horrendous, I knew it was happening and that it was all just going on in my mind but I couldn't get out of it. Imagine the cinema scene in A Clockwork Orange, that's what it was like. Yet now, two days later, I can see it for what it was and I laugh at myself for ever allowing it to happen because it was absolutely my own fault.

The intensity of this is another of my reasons for not believing that I got 4th path, this experience showed me the meaning of Re-Observation and that there are still things to be disembedded from.

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(Cont)

Anyhow, I'm going to just start practicing daily again with no fixed aim in mind other than to explore as much of this territory as I can and continue the process of disembedding. The 'done' feeling is still there but I can't quite explain why the need to continue practice remains, there's obviously still work to be done and things to be learned so I'll put my hands up, drop all the claims and accept that I've opened my mouth too soon. No harm, no foul.

From now my approach is as the title of this thread suggests, a leisurely stroll along the path of awakening with plenty of scenic detours, rest-stops and time to take in the air along the way. I know this may seem contrary to the goal-orientated approach but I feel I've exhausted that route for the moment, I'd rather just saunter along and have leisurely chats with others on the way, take some time out from needing to be somewhere or do something and just enjoy the ride. One thing I've learned from this journey so far is that, regardless of whereabouts I think I am along whichever map, meditating daily improves my life in ways I would never have imagined and I see no reason to stop doing it.

A wise man once said "May you awaken now. (If it takes you another twenty years it will have been worth every minute.)". In the spirit of those words, I'll return to the work at hand and keep this thread updated more regularly.

Metta,
- Tommy

The title totally caught my eye. Seems like a good approach to practice -- an endless path.

I've been battling the demons today. Paranoia and "i just don't want to deal with it" --- but seen as such. So my sympathies!

That's got to be a tough one to admit. Thanks for your unflinching honesty. It means a lot to the level of honesty and discussion of the community to see people admit they've made a mistake (my opinion only). It would be so much easier to pretend everything is fine and not admit your error. As far as I'm concerned the fact you're being honest merely displays your (high) level of attainment.
Sorry to hear about the DN @$ kickin' you've been taking. You know it will pass, and sounds like you've got a good plan to deal with it.
All the best Tommy!

Tommy I'm interested to hear more if you can share about how/why the DN cycle was 'cleansing' - I know you had written about how you were interested in the light side of dark night - I'm curious to know what your take on it is after that experience.

Looking forward to reading more of your adventures, Tommy. Your integrity is an inspiration man!

A clockwork orange: "I was cured, all right!"

Thanks for sharing, Tommy!

Thanks for the support folks, it's much appreciated! As Rev says, it'd be easier to just plod on and pretend nothing's happened but that would be of no use to me or anyone else. I'd rather just be honest with people, we all f*ck up along the way and over-estimate where we are at times but everything is just another opportunity to learn.

I'd say this most recent cycle through DN has been cleansing as it's forced me to confront certain aspects of my experience which I hadn't fully acknowledged or investigated. Thursday through to Sunday morning was the most intense phase (most likely Re-Observation) and was made worse by a complete inability to stop the process of identfication, I was embedded in the experience and couldn't get out. It's like the story of Rumi flying through the market place on his donkey, when people asked him what he was doing he told them he was looking for his donkey. The difference is that I forgot that I was sitting on the donkey the whole time!

It's funny to look back at it now 'cause it's so screamingly obvious to me what actually happened, it's difficult to put this into words but it comes down to the fact that I let it happen because I got complacent. I didn't see things clearly, I got involved and allowed myself to buy into the stories rather than objectifying them and seeing them for what they are. However, it's been an incredible lesson and a painful demonstration of how the process of creating a self from transient sensation is the cause of suffering.

By being forced to face up to this, admitting my mistakes and being brutally honest I've been able to go deeper into the experience and I know that it's been a necessary part of the process. I was a mess, a complete wreck for the best part of three days but now I feel like the storm has passed and it's stripped away a lot of the crap that was no longer needed.

Glad you've gotten through all that, and I'm glad to see you posting again. I always look forward to your posts.

This is interesting. For me, many many times, there has been a particular series of things happening whenever I get a cessation, sometimes. It first happened with a path-moment, I believe. Basically I'll be like "oo that was really nice" then like "hmm am i done? i think i'm done! ya!" The first time, i held that thought for 20-30 minutes or so, until I realized that i wanted to escape something, still. i wanted to escape but i also knew there was nowhere to escape to. so then there was like a hugely painful "nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo i'm not doooooooone" for an hour or two, in which i was frantically looking around and trying to meditate to like grasp a particular thing since i felt i was close. that time my baseline level of perception really bumped up so i took it to be a path moment (entrance to 3rd path, though no one has to believe me on that).

so then it happened again in what i considered another path-moment (another baseline bump in perception), same exact pattern - feeling i'm done, then painful realization i'm not.

it kept happening with more and more frequency, and i think that i started just taking really nice fruitions and doing that process with them.

happened again as soon as i started meditating. just taking some fruition to be a special shift and thinking i'm done. again very recently, which might have been a path-moment, except no real baseline improvement in anything, so really i'm taking the process to mean it was something big, which is kind of silly =P.

i think i've condensed the same pattern down to 30 minutes or so now, heh. it's worth taking a really close look at it. it seems to be one of those few things left over that really causes a LOT of pain, and it's worth treating it just like anything else, not getting caught up in it, it's just more stuff.

About sauntering: the one thing that has been consistent in reports of people who got 4th path (and AF) is massive, massive intention. dedicated, this HAS to happen, i'm DONE with this suffering, intention. at least, this what i've heard from dan ingram, owen becker + nick (looking at their practice threads), tarin when giving advice to others ("sufficient obsession is sufficient"), etc. not to say you shouldn't take a break and be leisurely for a bit, that's up to you, and there is a particular flavor of the intention that involves surrender, so it's not so much desire as pure intent, but sauntering will lead to sauntering and probably not to 4th path. not to say the goal should be 'get 4th path', the goal is probably better something like 'i wont stop practicing for a single second' with a flavor of relaxed alertness.. anyway i'm rambling now. but yea, the path isn't endless, it has an end, that's why it's a legit path =).

it also doesn't have to take 20 years, and i think believing that it might is a good way to have it take longer than it could. (equivalently, believing that it should happen quickly will have it take longer than it could). you basically want to have no view in terms of time. time doesn't pass, anyway =).

"'i wont stop practicing for a single second' with a flavor of relaxed alertness.. "

+1. I'm pretty sure this particular attitude is the number one this that causes actual progress on any of the paths, from what I can tell. It takes alot of 'work' to transform the brain! I need someone to follow me around and remind me of this on a daily basis.

I don't think I could be accused of not having had strong enough intent or not having worked hard enough, on the contrary I absolutely hammered it constantly from the moment I opened my eyes in the morning and continued hardcore practice even after the moment of, what I thought was, 4th path.

Aye and it seemed to work, in that it got you some shift in your practice.

I don't mean to pressure you or accuse you or anything, just pointing out that from what I understand that is a good approach. Continuing to absolutely hammer it might be good, it just seemed like you weren't going to do that anymore. But sauntering might be good for now. I dnno man! =).

Hi tommy,

sounds like some pretty heavy stuff - sounds really unpleasant. Glad you have processed it though and even managed to use it for some insight.
Your reflections, sound full of metta to me. Im sure that you still have your eye on the prize but im sure a bit of kindness towards yourself and to your unfolding expreince will work wonders!

I hope this isnt a sweeping statement, but in my reading and exploring the writings of practitioners in the Hardcore Dharma scene, things like metta and patience seem like optional refreshments before the main course.

Like all these things, balance seems to be the recomendation. To much virya could easily lead to burn out, too much patience, stagnation. Sounds to me like you are just steadying the ship!

best wishes!

"I don't think I could be accused of not having had strong enough intent or not having worked hard enough, on the contrary I absolutely hammered it constantly from the moment I opened my eyes in the morning and continued hardcore practice even after the moment of, what I thought was, 4th path."

Yes - Its inspiring to hear that. Thats why you are so far along the path! Thats the key I think I am missing in my practice, but I can see more and more how thats what gets the job done.

Claudiu: I know mate, and I don't mean to come across as sounding overly defensive! Goddamned forums!

Ed: Them's the breaks, sh*t happens and you either deal with it or let it kick you up and down the place. Thanks for the encouragement and advice though, you're spot on with the metta comment although I find that there's a lot more openness about it on KFD. Your advice about balance is wonderful and thank you again for taking the time to comment.

WSH3: For me it's been about keeping the momentum going, I think that's what set me back over the last couple of weeks 'cause before that I was meditating every day and noting CONSTANTLY. I just got a bit too cocky and became lazy which ended up earning me a boot in the stones from Dark Night! Ah well, back to the cushion.

I've been noticing waves of transition between late 10th and early 11th ñana coming in through the day, they move in clear, fairly quick cycles and the emphasis of attention shifts between the abdomen and the head which also seems to move up and down from the throat chakra to the crown. I'm back to paying attention to what's going on within the body through the day as well as noting so I suppose it's like a hybrid direct mode practice but with emphasis on the noting aspect.

Sat for 45 mins tonight, started out with 5 mins with a white kasina and shifted quickly into 4th jhana before closing my eyes and focusing on the breath. Remained with this until I was firmly in jhana before starting noting on each phase of the breath, observing the exact start and end points of each section. Started out with verbal noting (4F's in doubles then triples) before moving down to just being at sensate level. The way the eyes focus became quite prominent, sensations of inside/outside, noting expansion/contraction happening out of phase with the breath along with a deep, slow vibration running up and down the spine which could be sensed alongside the heartbeat and breath. Began paying closer attention to when each was being noticed and then looked more at catching the beginning and end of each sensation at this level.

1st to 4th ñana passed quickly, noted a little tension in the shoulders and mild sadness which were quickly overcome by a warmth passing from the base chakra to the solar plexus. Noted discomfort in this area, a knot-like tension which gradually vanishes allowing the energetic sensations from 4th to rise into the chest area which brings a sense of expansion turning to an almost panicked feeling (5th into 6th), this then moved through a very quick flash of disgust and misery related images with a lot of discomfort and tension. Stayed with it and sat through 9th into 10th ñana which came on with....

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C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER

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...strong waves of wishing I could stop meditating, flashes of the last week went past and images of being laughed at all came to the fore but I remained silent and just observed. Focusing on the entire sensate field at once I shifted into a state where there was only the sense of knowing, no object and no sense of anyone being there to experience any of this. I remained here for a few minutes, gently noting anything which took center stage and constantly turning attention towards what still knew this was all happening as the whole thing dropped out before coming back up like a breath.

I returned to the breath and went through another cycle up to 11th ñana before going back to the breath. Entered the PL jhanas and realized I must've gotten into either PL4 or 5 in the first part of my sit and that same state of pure knowing appeared, I don't quite know which PL jhana this is as I haven't put a great deal of effort into finding out which is which. After that I just sat with sensations arising and passing, the washing machine was running in the kitchen and making loads of noise so I used it as an object to investigate by breaking down each part of the sound, the moment it's heard and the moment it stops as the next one appears. This got me really, really highly concentrated and has left a wonderful afterglow.

The anxious vibes of earlier in the night have lifted now, there's still little tinges of tension fluttering across my solar plexus from time to time but otherwise it's all good.

As Ed says, I do still have my eyes on the prize to some extent but I'm going to try a less goal orientated approach and go with what feels natural. I can't deny how effective the relentless approach has been for me so far, and I may very well end up going that way again in future but right now I figure that trying something new will keep my practice fresh.

Metta y'all : )

"C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER"

HAAAAAAAAAAA! FALCON PUNCH!

"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."

I remember something about delusion being one of the fetters - in any case, this seems to me an important part of the path.
I've just had my own first "Am i done? It feels like i'm done"-moment (answer: HAH!, Done?! no!). But it was very seductive.

Congratulations on finding the path again.

@ Villum - I forgot I'd seen you on here! I meant to say hello on your thread actually, hope all's ok with you. Aye, I know what you mean about delusion and it's one of the things I've always kept an eye out for. I'm a skeptical bast*rd at the best of times which is why I never publicly stated that I had gotten 4th path, but I figured I'd mentioned being 'done' enough times to have to at least publicly say that I didn't have it. Such is life, we'll see how this next run at it goes and perhaps it'll unravel permanently this time.....

Direct Mode: This is just wonderful. There's a lot of pressure being put on people in work lately, just typical call centre crap but it's annoying nonetheless although it's afforded me plenty of opportunities to get into DM mode for more of the day. The main thing I've noticed with using this technique more regularly is that my relationship towards my body as a whole is changing rapidly, it seems that identification with the body via mind states is part of what's prevented 4th path from happening. Being able to objectify those states and see their physical correlations as seperate sensations is an absolute crowbar of a technique for disembedding at this level and feels much more alive than straight-up vipassana.

White Kasina: I use a wee white travel sweet box which is about 4" in diameter. Today I had been reading up on kasina practice and started using the "Odatta" mantra while focusing on the kasina, I'm much more comfortable identifying jhanas now although it's difficult to get fully into the arupa jhanas due to being in work. A useful part of this practice has been testing how quickly I can advert to each jhana at will and observing the eye focus, the full spectrum of bodily sensation and the depth-of-field in each one. What's funny about doing this is that not a single person in work has a clue what I'm doing, covert meditation is a right good laugh.

Vipassana: Seems that the dukkha ñanas are still coming back in cycles, albeit at a much slower frequency, so deliberately breaking down these negative states (and also using DM) is constantly bringing more insight into things.

Didn't sit formally tonight as my gf is away out to a gig and I don't want to leave my daughter sitting herself for an hour although I may have a sitting later on once she's asleep.

Much love and a dropkick from the sadly deceased Macho Man Randy Savage.

"covert meditation is a right good laugh" - I've been sneaking it in for years in all sorts of funny places! Good times.