Thitatto's practice blog
- thitatto
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11 years 1 week ago #93944
by thitatto
Thitatto's practice blog was created by thitatto
Getting back into noting again. No paths so far. Been building up my practice again for the last 2 weeks. Thought it was time to make use of the opportunity to start a practice blog. Today I've meditated for 1,5 hour. Been getting into a lot of tingling throughout my whole body, most intensely at my hands and feet. Feeling comfortable, energized and at ease. Putting my attention on the strobing of the dim light behind my closed eye-lids, and also seeing trying to see that strobing rythm in the totality of my being, but with the main focus on my visual field.
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- thitatto
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11 years 1 week ago #93945
by thitatto
Replied by thitatto on topic Re: Thitatto's practice blog
Meditated 3x30 min today. At the first sit I sort of rushed to get back to where I left off yesterday, but instead I was sleepy, aversive and full of doubt about everything. Then at the last sit things started to clear up, and I was again effortlessly staying with the strobing light behind my closed eyelids.
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- thitatto
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11 years 1 week ago #93946
by thitatto
Replied by thitatto on topic Re: Thitatto's practice blog
Meditated 1h and 20m. Been tired and strange today. Got into some pretty peaceful states, but became sleepy and indifferent. Don't know what is going on, and feels like I don't care at all.
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- thitatto
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11 years 1 week ago #93947
by thitatto
Replied by thitatto on topic Re: Thitatto's practice blog
Meditated 1h and 30 min today. Made mostly use of noting out aloud, a technique I've had a lot of resistance towards before. I'll provide some background information. I've primarily explored 3rd gear practice for these last 4 years because discovering that approach was such a huge relief from having been a chronich dark night yogi for so many years. So along with this 3rd gear practice I've been doing Just Sitting meditation whenever I felt like. However, I keep returning to wanting to go for stream entry over and over again, and that impulse doesn't seem to stop "bothering" me. I've had a lot of resistance towards having meditation projects like this again, and also towards the added mental activity of noting. However I can clearly see that my concentration gets stronger with that sort of focus, so this is my new attempt at that sort of focused approach, and noting out aloud seems like a very useful technique in that regard.
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- kennethfolk
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11 years 1 week ago #93948
by kennethfolk
Replied by kennethfolk on topic Re: Thitatto's practice blog
Welcome back, Thitatto.
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- thitatto
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11 years 1 week ago #93949
by thitatto
Replied by thitatto on topic Re: Thitatto's practice blog
Thanks, Kenneth! Glad to be back. This practice feels like both a blessing and a curse, but I'm glad to have found a set of teachings that I have faith in. Meditated for 1,5 hour today. Starting to feel that I'm getting into the groove with noting loud. Feels very good to know that not one moment of my cushion time is wasted.
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- kennethfolk
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11 years 1 week ago #93950
by kennethfolk
Replied by kennethfolk on topic Re: Thitatto's practice blog
"thitatto":lve92bsw wrote: Starting to feel that I'm getting into the groove with noting loud. Feels very good to know that not one moment of my cushion time is wasted.[/quote:lve92bsw]
Yes, that's one of the real benefits of noting, and especially noting aloud; it turbocharges the efficiency of your formal practice. If there is a note every second or two, none of your precious cushion time is wasted. Bill Hamilton used to say that people sometimes spent years with no progress because, although they believed they were meditating, they were really just jelling out in a pleasant hypnogogic state. Noting cures that.
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- thitatto
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11 years 1 week ago #93951
by thitatto
Replied by thitatto on topic Re: Thitatto's practice blog
That's exactly what you told me two years ago towards the end of our skype sessions. It seems like finally I'm ready to apply it <!-- s:-) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt="" title="Smile" /><!-- s:-) --> Noted aloud for 30 min in the morning, and 40 min partner noting in the evening with Duncan. I could see that through-out today my ability to remember to "listen for the ships in the harbor" was much more available. There are certainly things happening now. With the partner noting I think I was hitting Equanimity / 4th Jhana harder than ever before (haven't really had much experience of being hard into it, more like unsteady or yo-yo in and out a few times accidentally) This time I was just really in it, even though I was describing my meditation to Duncan at the same time. A really wide tender beautiful chilled-out space opened up, and the main focus became Metta towards my noting partner as he was reporting a rougher terrain. Seemed like I could have stayed in that state forever, but strangely enough, when our session was over, it was like, ok, time to do something else.
I like to extend a wish for myself. I'm fed up of fooling around, and I have a bad pattern with this in and out of teachings. Please, dear Universe, my I stay with it this time!
Gratitude & surrender.
I like to extend a wish for myself. I'm fed up of fooling around, and I have a bad pattern with this in and out of teachings. Please, dear Universe, my I stay with it this time!
Gratitude & surrender.
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- thitatto
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11 years 1 week ago #93952
by thitatto
Replied by thitatto on topic Re: Thitatto's practice blog
Meditated for 2 hours today, divided into two periods, one after school and one in the evening. After school was crap, but in the evening I was getting into the same space as yesterday. My working hypothesis is that it is the 4th Jhana. Today during and after the sit there was a new tendency to just wanting to be as normal and ordinary about it, not making it into any fuzz, and that seemed to incline my mind even more towards stillness. Both mind, body and emotions feels pretty calm and balanced now.
Most interesting thing happening today though was that I woke up this morning in a lot of anxiety and self-consciousness. Through-out the day I had a lot of old fears saying stuff like "oh no, this meditation project is going to eat up all of my life again", but also there was a lot of enthusiasm about last night results. More than before I was able to just stay with the body sensations of these fears, not indulging in these fear-based scenarios about what kind of life I wanted to create for myself that meditation was going to hinder
Most interesting thing happening today though was that I woke up this morning in a lot of anxiety and self-consciousness. Through-out the day I had a lot of old fears saying stuff like "oh no, this meditation project is going to eat up all of my life again", but also there was a lot of enthusiasm about last night results. More than before I was able to just stay with the body sensations of these fears, not indulging in these fear-based scenarios about what kind of life I wanted to create for myself that meditation was going to hinder
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- thitatto
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11 years 6 days ago #93953
by thitatto
Replied by thitatto on topic Re: Thitatto's practice blog
Meditated 1,5 hours today. Noting aloud and partner noting on skype. Seems like the pattern is I get into high equanimity for the last 30 min of meditation in the evening. Staying with light vibrations in my visual field, having my eye gaze towards the eye brow center, and feeling pulsing sensations in the eye brow center. Wanting to include as much of my total of my experience into this. Some tensions going on about trying to make that happen VS. letting it happen.
I'm surprised at how quickly energy for the practice was building up again. One month ago I told a friend I wasn't able to do more spiritual practice then 10 sun salutations with 10 minutes lying on my back afterwards each morning, and I had sort of accepted the fact that that was how my life was for now and would probably continue to be for an indefinite period of time.
No doubts about the practice today. I'm also surprised at how quickly they went away. I think I'm experiencing more of a total willingness to "throw everything into the hopper" than before. No hidden agendas, like I'm going to become enlightened AND also good at playing guitar, hang out with cool people, or whatever.
Strange thing but I've had all sort of really fragmented strategies for what kind of person I'm going to become. Like, they last for perhaps one day, then the next day my social strategy is going to become a guitar player, then the next day again I'm going to become a visual artist, then the next day I'm just going to settle down being a social worker, and just on and on and on, to the point where it became absolutely hilarious.
So finally I think I can just throw all that into the hopper, and the willingness to do that I think came because there was just not any end to it.
I'm surprised at how quickly energy for the practice was building up again. One month ago I told a friend I wasn't able to do more spiritual practice then 10 sun salutations with 10 minutes lying on my back afterwards each morning, and I had sort of accepted the fact that that was how my life was for now and would probably continue to be for an indefinite period of time.
No doubts about the practice today. I'm also surprised at how quickly they went away. I think I'm experiencing more of a total willingness to "throw everything into the hopper" than before. No hidden agendas, like I'm going to become enlightened AND also good at playing guitar, hang out with cool people, or whatever.
Strange thing but I've had all sort of really fragmented strategies for what kind of person I'm going to become. Like, they last for perhaps one day, then the next day my social strategy is going to become a guitar player, then the next day again I'm going to become a visual artist, then the next day I'm just going to settle down being a social worker, and just on and on and on, to the point where it became absolutely hilarious.
So finally I think I can just throw all that into the hopper, and the willingness to do that I think came because there was just not any end to it.
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- thitatto
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11 years 5 days ago #93954
by thitatto
Replied by thitatto on topic Re: Thitatto's practice blog
Meditated 1 hour and 10 min today. Gets up into Equanimity towards the end of last sit. Doesn't become a Jhana state like it did some days, but I'm staying with the strobing light in the visual field, having my eye gaze towards my eye-brow center, and feeling some activity going on in my eye brow center as well. Seems pretty straight forward now. Just do this as much as I can manage. Planning to do a solo-retreat this weekend, supported by scheduled sessions with my noting partner.
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- thitatto
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11 years 4 days ago #93955
by thitatto
Replied by thitatto on topic Re: Thitatto's practice blog
First day of my little home-retreat, and I'm starting to wonder whether it happened to me as well. I'm also worried about scripting the experience, because I have been reading NickP's journal closely.
But here is what happened. I really had this really perfect equanimity going, and from the beginning I really set out to just enjoy my self for this retreat. Do some noting aloud to sharpen up my concentration, but not really push myself very much, do a little yoga, drink a cup of tea while doing some rest in awareness practice, etc, just have a really good time enjoying silence.
And I really did enjoy it tremendously. My mind was getting really really still, and there was no thrill to it, I just felt like a perfectly normal guy with a very quiet mind, so just perfectly normal, but without the monkey mind. Concentration was not a question, when I did walking meditation, I was just with my feet and my breath all the time without hardly trying. As I told my noting partner just before this last sit "if I could live in this state for the rest of my life, I would have been really happy."
And then, when we started to meditate, my energy started to build up, and I was like, yeah, this is really peace of cake, just cruising here with this partner noting technique, all though I don't really need to this right now, I don't mind doing it either, and very quickly I thought I had this famous blip. It seemed to originate from my eye brow center. Like it could have been a discontinuity in the totality of my experience, but it was noticed with like a sort of a jerk in my eye brow center, perhaps as if there was like a little jump in my experience. My mind started racing: "Was that it?", "No, it couldn't have been already", "Well, they say it is sort of a anti-climax."
So anyways, what I was left with afterwards was that I lost all that energy that was in my equanimity, as if my mind was building up to become even more still and more like turbo-present, and I'm left with feeling a little bit sad and disappointed, and feeling that the build-up that I've experienced today is gone, and the shift was pretty sudden. I'm still calm, and my mind is still fairly quiet, but with a touch of sadness and disappointment to it. Disappointed that that strong Equanimity that was seemingly going to last for the rest of the retreat (or so I unconsciously assumed) left so soon.
There is still tingling sensations going on in my whole body, and I still see vibrations of light when I close my eyes, but I don't feel like pursuing those vibrations, like I did when my energy was building up, because the energy to go deeper into concentration is gone.
So anyways, sort of embarrassing if this is just scripting or whatever, but I guess this is how it works in this community, and I'll continue my retreat like planned tomorrow regardless.
Guess it could have been the A&P Event as well, but I've had like tons of meditation induced manic episodes before, and I'm wallowing in the Dark Night all the time, and the Equanimity I experience is far more chilled-out than anything related to the word manic. I also experience the Equanimity as something that comes at the end of my meditation, when things gets really calm and ok, and I've never experienced something coming after it.
Anything specifically to look out for as I go along with my schedule for tomorrow?
But here is what happened. I really had this really perfect equanimity going, and from the beginning I really set out to just enjoy my self for this retreat. Do some noting aloud to sharpen up my concentration, but not really push myself very much, do a little yoga, drink a cup of tea while doing some rest in awareness practice, etc, just have a really good time enjoying silence.
And I really did enjoy it tremendously. My mind was getting really really still, and there was no thrill to it, I just felt like a perfectly normal guy with a very quiet mind, so just perfectly normal, but without the monkey mind. Concentration was not a question, when I did walking meditation, I was just with my feet and my breath all the time without hardly trying. As I told my noting partner just before this last sit "if I could live in this state for the rest of my life, I would have been really happy."
And then, when we started to meditate, my energy started to build up, and I was like, yeah, this is really peace of cake, just cruising here with this partner noting technique, all though I don't really need to this right now, I don't mind doing it either, and very quickly I thought I had this famous blip. It seemed to originate from my eye brow center. Like it could have been a discontinuity in the totality of my experience, but it was noticed with like a sort of a jerk in my eye brow center, perhaps as if there was like a little jump in my experience. My mind started racing: "Was that it?", "No, it couldn't have been already", "Well, they say it is sort of a anti-climax."
So anyways, what I was left with afterwards was that I lost all that energy that was in my equanimity, as if my mind was building up to become even more still and more like turbo-present, and I'm left with feeling a little bit sad and disappointed, and feeling that the build-up that I've experienced today is gone, and the shift was pretty sudden. I'm still calm, and my mind is still fairly quiet, but with a touch of sadness and disappointment to it. Disappointed that that strong Equanimity that was seemingly going to last for the rest of the retreat (or so I unconsciously assumed) left so soon.
There is still tingling sensations going on in my whole body, and I still see vibrations of light when I close my eyes, but I don't feel like pursuing those vibrations, like I did when my energy was building up, because the energy to go deeper into concentration is gone.
So anyways, sort of embarrassing if this is just scripting or whatever, but I guess this is how it works in this community, and I'll continue my retreat like planned tomorrow regardless.
Guess it could have been the A&P Event as well, but I've had like tons of meditation induced manic episodes before, and I'm wallowing in the Dark Night all the time, and the Equanimity I experience is far more chilled-out than anything related to the word manic. I also experience the Equanimity as something that comes at the end of my meditation, when things gets really calm and ok, and I've never experienced something coming after it.
Anything specifically to look out for as I go along with my schedule for tomorrow?
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- thitatto
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11 years 2 days ago #93956
by thitatto
Replied by thitatto on topic Re: Thitatto's practice blog
Pretty sure what was reported in the last post wasn't it.
This practice weekend is now over. Managed to get in 5-6 hours of formal practice both saturday and sunday, and a lot of yoga and time in silence as well.
I don't think Equanimity is my baseline any more. It's more like my cutting edge, but certainly not where I spend most of my time.
Except for the last 20 min of todays last sit, I was nowhere close the kind of Equanimity I reported on friday. These last 20 min where pretty exceptional though. There were tingling sensations through-out my whole body, all connected together, instead of separate patches here and there, I had a really narrow focus on the strobing visual field right in front of my 3rd eye, and a lot of activity in my 3rd eye as well, which also became part of the focus. The narrow focus started to take up the whole of my experience, and going deeper into that seemed like the right way to go. Next time.
My goal for this next week is to continue my daily sittings and in daily life to pay particularly extra attention towards unpleasant sensations in my chest and abdomen, in order to avoid spinning around in my mind trying to figure out how to fix my life, but rather be present with those unpleasant sensations.
This practice weekend is now over. Managed to get in 5-6 hours of formal practice both saturday and sunday, and a lot of yoga and time in silence as well.
I don't think Equanimity is my baseline any more. It's more like my cutting edge, but certainly not where I spend most of my time.
Except for the last 20 min of todays last sit, I was nowhere close the kind of Equanimity I reported on friday. These last 20 min where pretty exceptional though. There were tingling sensations through-out my whole body, all connected together, instead of separate patches here and there, I had a really narrow focus on the strobing visual field right in front of my 3rd eye, and a lot of activity in my 3rd eye as well, which also became part of the focus. The narrow focus started to take up the whole of my experience, and going deeper into that seemed like the right way to go. Next time.
My goal for this next week is to continue my daily sittings and in daily life to pay particularly extra attention towards unpleasant sensations in my chest and abdomen, in order to avoid spinning around in my mind trying to figure out how to fix my life, but rather be present with those unpleasant sensations.
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- thitatto
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11 years 1 day ago #93957
by thitatto
Replied by thitatto on topic Re: Thitatto's practice blog
Meditated 1 hour and 50 min today. Getting up to the point where I can disband with noting and just stay with the strobing visual field. Realized that I'm forcing it when I come to this point, almost as if I'm trying to "break into" my 3rd eye. I probably start to force it because I start to think I'm really close to stream entry, and then I'll try to rush it. So this time I tried to relax just even more, and I experienced with narrow focus around my 3rd eye area, and panoramic focus, and going back and forth. Seems like I naturally start to foucs in again at some point when I'm in panoramic focus, and then after a while, it is good to let go of narrow focus again, and zoom out. Perhaps it has a natural rythm to it.
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- thitatto
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11 years 18 hours ago #93958
by thitatto
Replied by thitatto on topic Re: Thitatto's practice blog
1 hour of walking meditation and 1 hour of noting aloud today. Reached what seems like a very stable state of Equanimity at the end today. I am getting more interested on where I am on the maps all day long now. Realizing perhaps I'm experiencing much more A&P and Dark Night than I initially thought. For instance I've been "running around" today daydreaming intensely about how cool it is to meditate and that I want to become a meditation master, and the mind just goes on and on about how intensely cool all this is, and then suddenly I have some really strong kicks of restlessness and irritation. When I eventually reach Equanimity all of that seems to be put into a much more sober and peaceful perspective.
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- thitatto
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10 years 11 months ago #93959
by thitatto
Replied by thitatto on topic Re: Thitatto's practice blog
50 min walking meditation and 40 min noting aloud today. Nothing new to report. Would have been really good if I could exhaust my need to reflect around this process. But hopefully I can be less intense with my friends and relatives by journalling about it here <!-- s:D --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_biggrin.gif" alt="" title="Very Happy" /><!-- s:D -->
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- thitatto
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10 years 11 months ago #93960
by thitatto
Replied by thitatto on topic Re: Thitatto's practice blog
40 mins of noting aloud today. Been going through some inspired manic phase since I took up meditation again, but now it seems like the air went out of it, I'm pretty tired and looking forward to a normal night of sleep tonight. Planning some extra sits for the weekend.
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- thitatto
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10 years 11 months ago #93961
by thitatto
Replied by thitatto on topic Re: Thitatto's practice blog
30 min walking meditation and 45 min of noting aloud. Seemed like I got into high equanimity for the last 5 min, which was surprising. Been uninspired and almost felt like giving up on the whole thing today. Strange how tiny the distance between feelings of failure and success are. Sometimes (often!) I make too much of a project out of this in my mind, but I calmed down when I reminded myself I could at least do 30 min of noting aloud per day. I'm thinking about making that into some sort of "safety net" for my daily practice.
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- thitatto
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10 years 11 months ago #93962
by thitatto
Replied by thitatto on topic Re: Thitatto's practice blog
Meditated for 4 hours both saturday and sunday. Mostly it was just dry, unpleasant and rough. Appreciated the increased focus on the practice, and really getting drilled on the technique, but I'm questioning whether spending so much time practicing is a good way to spend my time. I find it strange that when I can pretty easily get into very peaceful, still, and pleasent states in daily life practice, the whole "juice" and life seems to go out of it when I intensify.
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- thitatto
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10 years 11 months ago #93963
by thitatto
Replied by thitatto on topic Re: Thitatto's practice blog
40 min of noting aloud today. Had a bit of a burnout feeling in my body today after the intensified practice in the weekend, but "practice joy" was present again (which it wasn't for pretty much the entire weekend). Haven't had the chance to ask any teacher about this phenomena, but I'm starting to suspect that "less is more", which could of course just be wishful thinking, but I'm continuing to experiment with finding out what is right effort for me.
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- thitatto
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10 years 11 months ago #93964
by thitatto
Replied by thitatto on topic Re: Thitatto's practice blog
1 hour of noting aloud today, and 20 min of walking meditation. Had some pretty strong anxiety going today. My whole being feels shaken up and my mind spins and spins looking for solutions when I feel like that. Was determined to stay with the body sensations of that state for the last sit, and at some point I could see the pleasantness of anxiety, like it has a positive aspect to it, like at least there is a lot happening in the body, the body isn't just dull, heavy and boring, and when I started to take an interest in the positive side of anxiety, the whole thing seemed to change into Equanimity (or perhaps it had already changed), and now I'm calm again. All the mental scenarios I have about the world is much more positive now, where as they have been really doomsday type of scenarios throughout pretty much the whole day. Interesting and still very surprising how there is such a clear shift.
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- thitatto
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10 years 11 months ago #93965
by thitatto
Replied by thitatto on topic Re: Thitatto's practice blog
Meditated for 2,5 hour today. Just finished. Noting aloud, until concentration was doing itself, then I was staying with the vibrating light in my visual field, which became some unified vibrating whole. Back and forth between narrow focus, and wide focus. This is the deepest I've been into High Equanimity for at least a week. Don't know why this happens now, and not in weekends when I meditate much more, but it do actually seems like meditating too much creates a burnout feeling that takes the whole juice out of my meditation.
What I've done today is that I've been really determined to stay with unpleasant body sensations. I really really really do spend a lot of my daily life in the Dark Nights, and I really really really need to stay with the unpleasant body sensations in order to avoid spinning around looking for some "proxy life identity solution" that is going to give me something solid to hold on to.
I've seen deeply today how much I suffer all day long, every day, all week long, year round, year after year. Same old "looking for the proxy life identity solution" year after year after year.
So my task for tomorrow is to be really determined on staying mindful throughout the whole day.
What I've done today is that I've been really determined to stay with unpleasant body sensations. I really really really do spend a lot of my daily life in the Dark Nights, and I really really really need to stay with the unpleasant body sensations in order to avoid spinning around looking for some "proxy life identity solution" that is going to give me something solid to hold on to.
I've seen deeply today how much I suffer all day long, every day, all week long, year round, year after year. Same old "looking for the proxy life identity solution" year after year after year.
So my task for tomorrow is to be really determined on staying mindful throughout the whole day.
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- thitatto
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10 years 11 months ago #93966
by thitatto
Replied by thitatto on topic Re: Thitatto's practice blog
Meditated for 1,5 hour today. Didn't manage to stay as mindful throughout the day as I wanted to, probably because last nights success in meditation created so much enthusiasm in my system today that it was hard not to get carried away. One of my major challenges is to channel the energy I get from meditation back into meditation again, instead of using it to stir up a lot of social activity around myself.
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- NickP
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10 years 11 months ago #93967
by NickP
Replied by NickP on topic Re: Thitatto's practice blog
Do you remember to be kind to yourself? That doesn't mean that you're giving yourself permission to slack off, but you don't need to beat yourself up when you realise you've been unmindful for a while.
Your mind will do what it will, and having it slip off to a thought chain is just another selfless (uncontrollable) phenomenon. Fighting it only creates suffering, whereas you can spend a lot of that energy you'd use to fight, on gently investigating your present experience.
Makes sense?
Your mind will do what it will, and having it slip off to a thought chain is just another selfless (uncontrollable) phenomenon. Fighting it only creates suffering, whereas you can spend a lot of that energy you'd use to fight, on gently investigating your present experience.
Makes sense?
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- thitatto
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10 years 11 months ago #93968
by thitatto
Replied by thitatto on topic Re: Thitatto's practice blog
Hey Nick! Thanks for your comments. Interesting that you ask these questions at this point. I've had your questions in my mind, and tried to chill down more. I don't think that I'm beating my self up, but I'm certainly rushing it. However, the problem has been that I really see to what a great extent both dark nigh stuff and A&P or Equanimity excitement carry me away, but these last two days my practice has been really integrated into my daily life. Just a few minutes of noting aloud, or doing "Who am I?" inquiry, or a few Metta phrases, can really bring me out of the momentum of unmindfulness, so I'm trying to give myself some of those pauses through-out the whole day. Well, actually now it just happens by it self. I was sitting here in my sofa earlier today, just chilling out, then I felt inclined to just note aloud a little bit, and that turned into exploring the whole specter of Just Sitting, Who am I?, Metta, Breath meditation on the various chakras, etc. There is probably the potential here of starting to explore too much, but although it is way to early to say this I'm having the feeling of developing fluency in all the three gears, and going up and down to whatever best suit my needs in that particular moment. I'm at least getting a taste of what that feels like. So yeah, this is really cool. And yeah, I'm going to continue to explore, but I'll still have noting aloud as my base.
Meditated for approximately 2 hours both yesterday and today, and now this last sit I had some really strong stuff going on in my 3rd eye. Felt like that chakra was wide open, like I had a big tunnel there sucking me in. I'll sit some more before I'll go to bed.
Meditated for approximately 2 hours both yesterday and today, and now this last sit I had some really strong stuff going on in my 3rd eye. Felt like that chakra was wide open, like I had a big tunnel there sucking me in. I'll sit some more before I'll go to bed.
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