The long, strange trip continues...

  • Privacy_Guy
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10 years 10 months ago #94130 by Privacy_Guy
The long, strange trip continues... was created by Privacy_Guy
Hello folks,

Privacy_Guy/Dude here. Haven't been around since the WetPaint exile, but back now wth some updates.

A quick (and shorter than last time) bit of background:
- Very introspective/mindful as a child, which appears to have resulted in an A&P around age 10.
- Absent any formal instruction or reading, fell into a Vipassana-like practice.
- Learned TM formally around age 23, practiced like clockwork.
- Shortly thereafter, hit (I think) Stream Entry, without actually knowing what it was at the time.
- Practice afterward was on/off for several years.
- Decided about four years ago to knuckle down, and make sense of the experiences that I had been priveleged to have.
- Since then, been reading dharma like a fiend. Practicing twice a day (for 30+ minutes each sit), alternating between mindfulness of breathing and noting.
- In Feb. of 2012, had a transformative experience of being "one with everything", an amazing merging with the passive field of attention that seemed to permeate the space around me.
- Since then, I've been able to sit with impunity, for (within reason, given the pressures of a life around me) as long as I want, without the desire to get up and cook/read/do laundry/watch TV/run/etc..
- Several experiences since then, much like being snapped back to present awareness while having been absorbed in a movie. In many ways, this makes it seem as if my life has been a movie, and I'm stunned at not knowing where I've been all that time. Still trying to suss out the details on these, as they are very brief, and often "attack" at awkward times (e.g. - in line at the company cafeteria).

Now, the latest update: two weeks ago, I was sitting in public, reading Pema Chodron's Living Beautifully. The specific bit I was reading was around page 105, but not (at least obviously) related to what happened next. In thinking about anger, I realized that anger is not something external that the "self" deals with, but anger is a constituent part of the sensate field from which the self is synthesized in the moment, leading to a feedback loop that is hard to break. Still struggling with the right words on this description. But in that moment, my mind buzzed, calm joy came over me...and I went back to reading. It wasn't until two days later that I realized that I hadn't been angry since then...? I waited a week before mentioning it to anyone, assuming that it would fade, much like post-retreat calm...but it didn't. I found myself sort of "missing" anger, as it's absence changed the quality of many familiar experiences. I put myself in a few situations that would have put me over the edge previously (e.g. - shopping at Ikea, rush hour traffic, a school concert)...and while a bit of edginess resulted (particularly from rapid-fire "triggers"), anger was easily avoided. I've since noticed that the impact of other, negative feelings (contempt for drivers who cut me off, negative judgements of people based on appearance) have been equally mitigated.

I'm reading more about "ill will", and it is resonating with my experience.

I'll keep you posted...
P
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  • Privacy_Guy
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10 years 10 months ago #94131 by Privacy_Guy
Replied by Privacy_Guy on topic Re: The long, strange trip continues...
Also, there's something else that I've been experiencing, and I'm unsure of the significance, if any. But I have a dharma friend that's dying to figure out what these are <!-- s:) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- s:) -->

I'll typically be doing noting practice, and have settled into a nice, calm state, from which to observe passing sensations. Discursive thought will have been left behind at this point. And my mind will sort of (as ever, the right words are hard to find) collapse or implode, and then snap back to normal.

I've come up with three ways to describe this experience:
1. As if the power levels required to maintain my neural net drop below some threshold level, and the &quot;self&quot; collapses, before bouncing back a moment (?) later.
2. As if watching a TV show, and it is interrupted for a split second by a blast of meaningless static.
3. As if my mind switches momentarily into some other, unintellible, mode of processing.

Note that these are not cessations (at least as typically described), as there is some sense of continuity. But what's in the &quot;gap&quot; is completely unintelligible. I've been keeping an eye on these as well, to try to extract more details of the experience, but they sneak up on me, and have proven hard to pin down. They don't happen every sit, and typically happen once or twice per session. But on some occasions I've had five or six in a 40-minute sit. In spite of their frequency, they always leave me with a bit of a &quot;Wow!&quot; feeling. Not blissful, but more like, &quot;That was cool, but what the heck was it?&quot;

Guesses, advice, interpretations, or statement of the obvious would be welcome <!-- s:) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- s:) -->
P
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