I need some guidance.

I'll try to be brief, but this post is likely to be long-winded. I apologize in advance for that.

I've just finished reading Daniel Ingram's ebook and it has brought up a lot of questions for me about a past experience.

About two and a half years ago I took a yoga class. It was a fantastic experience, and because the teacher was enthusiastic about the benefits of meditation I decided to try it myself. I never had any kind of training or anything I just began by noticing my breathing. In hindsight I'm not sure I was ever doing concentration exercises. My meditation was more of a body scan. The results were amazing and fun. There were plenty of blissful experiences, shapes and lights, and the vibrations were there almost from the first time I meditated. At first it felt like my whole body was like a cloth or a sail floating on a breeze, but eventually this changed to some very intense shaking sensations. Sometimes I would even wake up from a deep sleep with these vibrations.

The thing is I had no idea what I was doing. I believed that these lights and shapes I was seeing, and the vibrations were a sign that I was doing it wrong. I assumed that this was just my mind distracting me from the emptiness that I thought was the final goal. I don't know what I thought. I just knew that I was enjoying myself and I persisted. It was almost like I had to tune in every night to see what amazing new thing would be revealed. I never discussed this with anyone. Honestly the whole thing made me feel a little nutty.

Anyway, by the end of my meditation experience I was feeling fantastic. For the last month or so I was in an almost manic phase...working overtime, doing yard work, cycling 10 miles a day. It was great, until "the crash". I don't remember anything specific during meditation that corresponds with "the crash". (I'll continue below)

I only know that one day I was on top of the world and the next day I was hiding in my apartment. I managed to go to work every day, but that was about it. Other than that I was completely isolating myself. I was deeply depressed, and went through a period where I had totally irrational fears about walking down streets I've gone down a hundred times. I stopped meditating at that time because I simply couldn't concentrate. It was as though the vibrations had moved into my skull.

I lived like this for almost a year, before I finally came out of it enough to realize something was horribly wrong. I went to the doc and got an antidepressant. This helped to alleviate most of the symptoms. Soon after I got a dog, and somehow that seemed to make things better too.

So I've been recovered more or less from this depression for about a year. I've never meditated again, but recently I read a book by Pema Chodron, developed and interest in Buddhism and eventually found Daniel Ingram's book. What I'm wondering is if my depression may have been a Dark Night experience. I want to begin to meditate again, but I'm worried that the experience will repeat itself, and I'm not sure I'm prepared to deal with that. I've never before or since felt like I did during that horrible year, and I don't want to again.

Now it could be that I'm totally mistaken and it was just your run of the mill depression experience. I would appreciate any insights or suggestions that anyone would care to offer.

Thanks for reading.

Hi Seven100,

Your descriptions are consistent with the transition from the Arising and Passing Away phase, with its lights and pleasant sensations, to the despair of the dark night phase. On the other hand, you may just have have been depressed. Or it may have been both. How old are you? If you are in your late teens or early twenties, it's possible that you just began to experience a depression for which you already had a pre-disposition. Hopefully, David (Haquan) will have more to say about this.

In any case, it's inconclusive; we don't know enough about you yet. I recommend that you take up meditation once again and see what happens. This time, you will have the support of this community, which is composed of people who have been through the various typical stages of meditative development and are happy to share their collective wisdom.

Welcome to the forum,

Kenneth

Hi Kenneth,

I appreciate your answer, and I appreciate this forum. It probably would have been polite to give some sort of introduction before making such a long post. I'm female, and I just turned forty two months ago. As I said I've recently been trying to learn something about Buddhism. That's how I found Daniel's book. I've spent the last three evenings powering through it, as well as this forum and the DharmaOverground forum.

For the last two nights I've tried to meditate again. The problem is that now that I'm looking for a particular set of experiences or sensations, I'm finding them rather elusive. I can feel myself begin to "fall" into a state of mind, and them my brain yells "Oh, there it is!", and I snap right out of it. Things were easier when I was just drifting along, but I think this can be overcome.

Again, thanks for reading.

Hello seven100, and welcome to the forum.

I would not recommend "looking for a particular set of experiences," as this technique is sure to be frustrating and get you absolutely nowhere. Good meditation is all about what is happening right now. The best way to make progress is to simply observe whatever arises with as much mindfulness and equanimity that you are capable of.

If you haven't already, I suggest that you read the page titled "Basic Meditation Instructions" ( kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/page/Basi...itation+Instructions ). These instructions are as good as it gets. Follow them as closely as you can, and be sure to return to the forum to let us know how it's going. As Kenneth said, there are a lot of people in this forum who are passionate about the practice of meditation and would be happy to answer whatever questions you may have as you go along.

Thanks for sharing your experiences!
~Jackson

Glad you liked the book.

Instructions for what to do in what is likely Dark Night territory vary, but the basic themes of staying with what is as it happens, noticing that expectations themselves are also made of sensations, noticing the true nature of them as they arise and vanish, and keeping in touch with others who do this territory well are all good ideas. Remember, Suffering is a characteristic worth tuning into as it is, not to cultivate more, but just to acknowledge it clearly as an experience when it arises. Excessive focus on it can cause troubles, but missing the opportunities for insight it affords when it arises can also cause problems, as if that is reality, there it is.

Thanks, I appreciate your comments. I continue to meditate each evening for an hour. It's not as easy this time. I have a lot of tension for some reason. I relax my whole body, and then just a few minutes later I notice that my face is scrunched up or my hand is clenched, so I'm just plodding along, but there has been progress. I don't really remember how quickly things progressed last time, but I'm keeping a diary this time around.

As for suffering, I understand what you mean. I think I really grew up a lot over the last couple of years. I spent a lot of time alone, perhaps thinking too much, but I think that much of the self-awareness that I have came out of that solitude.

Anyway, thanks again.