n8sense's practice notes

I've decided to mainsteam my practice notes a la Chris, Jackson and others on the site. The original journal began on my profile page, here: kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/account/n...Present+situation%3A if anyone is interested. I invite your comments and suggestions, and thanks in advance for your thoughts and ideas about how to improve my practice.

Please feel free to comment or question anything that interests you. Here's a c&p of my last entry:

Two long (1.5 hours +) sits today - both very "nice"...similar to yesterday's morning sit. Lots of energy flowing - good concentration, and a feeling both times that something was about to pop...but nothing did. I tried to maintain equanimity, tried to refrain for hoping for a particular outcome, but to be honest, I couldn't help feeling disappointed when the ending was simply opening my eyes and seeing the same world I saw before I closed my eyes. It's difficult to describe what my experience(s) consisted of - lots of seeing consciousness presenting at the different sense doors (feeling, hearing, seeing, etc.). I have begun labeling them as just that - "seeing", "hearing" etc. The newest thing for me is to note things as I did as a beginner that I seem to associate with Self as, "that was an 'I' thought", or "that was an image my mind created from scratch", or "image", or "memory", etc., etc.

I've felt a resurrgence of kundalini energy the past couple of days and am encouraged to see it again as it has been missing a long time. Today, especially, it began building up from the instant I focused on my breath and moved to various parts of my body as I sat. (cont'd).

Even as I write this, I can feel energy pulsing just behind my eyes - but also moving throughout my chest and into my head. When it reaches my eyes, I often experience what I have labeled fluttering, where my eyes flicker unconcontrolably for a few seconds before settling down. I have also noted small flecks of bright light which appear momentarily and flash for a few seconds before they fade away.

I've noticed that I keep looking for a sharply defined, intricate mandala shape which I understand often precedes cessations and fruitions, but each time it happens, I either try to grab onto it, trying to force it, or I dismiss it as an attempt to manipulate experience. I realize that manipulating this stuff is counter-productive, but I can't seem to help myself...

Nice update!

It is really, really hard to not get excited (and thus distracted) when you think something great is about to happen. I can't tell you how many times this was a setback for me. You kind of just have to keep going. Eventually, you'll settle with the fact that you can't force it to happen, but you'll keep practicing anyway. The first fruition is always a surprise.

Keep up the good work!

~Jackson

"I've noticed that I keep looking for a sharply defined, intricate mandala shape which I understand often precedes cessations and fruitions, but each time it happens, I either try to grab onto it, trying to force it, or I dismiss it as an attempt to manipulate experience. I realize that manipulating this stuff is counter-productive, but I can't seem to help myself...
"

I have the same problem. What works for me is to be vigilant for any impulse, sensation, feeling, etc that might be related to trying to push, manipulate, fine-tune, or control experience, as well as any sensation indicative of evaluating the current experience as being positive or negative with respect to some desired end state. I then take those sensations as vipassana objects, noting that they are just arising sensations that do not belong to me. It can also be helpful to resolve to refrain from manipulating experience, to allow whatever happens to happen, and to focus very clearly on where you are right now instead of where you want to get to.

If you are consistent and systematic in doing this, eventually you get to a point where these sensations of wanting to get somewhere and trying to control experience become just more objects of awareness that you see with an accepting equanimity, rather than things that you identify with and try to use to alter experience. Then your only job is to be alertly aware of whatever happens to be happening right now.

Wow.
Thanks, n8sense, this thread is exactly what I needed to hear and be able to relate to. This all relates to where I've been, what is going on now, and what might be next. It's good to share.
The guy on Buddhist Geeks today said to suceed you need three things: a teaching, a teacher, and a community.
Well, I have a teaching, I have a couple of teachers (online only), but I wondered if this was really the type of community he was talking about. Right now it sure seems like it is.
Anyway, I know that "getting excited" when something new and different happens and then trying to recreate it and hold on to it is one of my biggest stumbling blocks in practice. And, before, I think it always discouraged me and made me quit before I was suceessful. Now, I'm pretty sure I understand that one just needs patience and more practice.

"Thanks, n8sense, this thread is exactly what I needed to hear and be able to relate to. This all relates to where I've been, what is going on now, and what might be next. It's good to share.
The guy on Buddhist Geeks today said to suceed you need three things: a teaching, a teacher, and a community.
"

I strongly second/endorse this.

I don't want to be a "me too" character, but well when the she fits...

I am hanging out in the same territory and just waiting for something different to happen.

This sharing of experiences is very helpful to me. I hope it is as helpful to everyone else.

Metta.
Andrew

Thanks for mainstreaming your practice journal, John. Everybody can benefit from reading this. What jumps out at me from your notes is the importance of patience, which is one of the ten Perfections of Buddhahood. We go through ridiculously difficult periods of suffering... but nothing lasts forever, and the times of sanity cycle around again. Patience. Over time, with consistent practice of attention, there is a movement toward ever more sanity. In any given moment, there is the potential to experience at least a moment of sanity before the dukkha comes rushing back in to grab center stage.

Your practice is ripening, stabilizing. All you have to do at this stage is settle in and allow yourself to go deep. The rest is automatic. Forget about mandalas and everything else. Your practice will be what it is. "Whatever is going on in this moment is the door to the door to the door." -Bill Hamilton

If you are actively expecting anything, you are getting in your own way. No problem! Just notice the feeling of anticipation. It is a legitimate object of awareness in its own right. Then, forget about all of that and enjoy the sensations of your body in this moment. Bathe in them. Steep in the sensations and let them carry you deeper. Surrender to this moment and cultivate patience.

Kenneth

A huge "Thank you!" to everyone who has responded to these posts. It is so gratifying and confirming to know that others share experiences similar to mine. I suppose anyone who lives out there alone on an island, so to speak, with regard to not having a local teacher or sangha to provide support and encouragement tends to feel a bit like the Lone Ranger sometimes. My all-time favorite Kenneth quotes is, "Enlightenment is a team sport.", and I feel blessed to be a part of such a great team! I've mined some great advice and tips from all of your input to this thread and I am thrilled to know others have as well.

Kenneth, your post was particularly timely because during yesterday's sits (more on those later) I focused on just welcoming the suffering and tried not to manipulate what was happening in any way. I think it worked pretty well and I noticed a shift in how the sensations were presenting (or how I perceived them). It felt like the rough edges melted away and the sensations didn't seem as harsh; the sense of urgency was gone and it was actually somewhat enjoyable to watch these slowly undulating waves come and go. Jackson, you may be interested to know that as I did this, compassion (as opposed to self-pity) arose spontaneously and I was able to see that, like all unenlightened beings, some of the negative things I've done and said in the past were borne of ignorance and a desire for deliverance from suffering. Thanks for the advice about this!

My plan for the near future is to just sit and watch whatever happens with as much equanimity as I can muster. This is a bit different from my recent practice, which has been to make aresolution at the beginning of each sitting to achieve a specific goal, as suggested by Daniel in MCTB.

I'll report back on how this goes and provide a bit more detail on yesterday's experiences later.

Warmest regards to all,

John

"Kenneth, your post was particularly timely because during yesterday's sits (more on those later) I focused on just welcoming the suffering and tried not to manipulate what was happening in any way. I think it worked pretty well and I noticed a shift in how the sensations were presenting (or how I perceived them). It felt like the rough edges melted away and the sensations didn't seem as harsh; the sense of urgency was gone and it was actually somewhat enjoyable to watch these slowly undulating waves come and go. Jackson, you may be interested to know that as I did this, compassion (as opposed to self-pity) arose spontaneously and I was able to see that, like all unenlightened beings, some of the negative things I've done and said in the past were borne of ignorance and a desire for deliverance from suffering. Thanks for the advice about this!"

Any time! I'm glad I was able to help.

You're plan to "just sit and watch whatever happens with as much equanimity as I can muster," is just what you need right now. Just remember that equanimity arises in response to suffering when we, as Jack Kornfield says, "quiet the mind and open the heart." Whatever arises, be with it, and be open to it. I'd go as far as to say that the path of the yogi who has crossed the A&P is to simply be fully open and fully present. The rest works itself out.

I'm looking forward to your future posts!

~Jackson

Thank you, Jackson - the Kornfield quote is perfect!

Some quick notes about the past two days:

Just sitting and "being with whatever arises" has been really nice. As I said earlier, it seems to smooth out the rough edges of negative sensations and for some unexplainable reason my perception of sensations is much clearer and sharper than before. Perhaps it's because I am getting better at diverting focus and energy to what I should be paying attention to rather than wearing myself out trying to cling to or avoid certain experiences.

I've also noticed that the visual field has become much more active since changing to this method. I went through a period where visual phenomena were just not present very often (or maybe I just missed them!), but the past two days they have really come on strong. Some are quite fanciful and macabre, some are more routine... I just watch them come and go, but it does get quite interesting sometimes.

I've also noted several instances of hearing conversations of "people" discussing and arguing about various subjects which seem so normal and routine...it's really bizarre. It's like they are "in there", casually observing what is going on with me and talking to each other about the weather, etc. whenever they get bored. If I didn't know better, I be concerned about my state of mental health! As it is, I've found these somewhat amusing and entertaining.

The best news is that I have noticed a lightening of the heavy, depressed feelings that often followed a sitting - I am cautiously optimistic that progress is being made.

Best,

John

"...and for some unexplainable reason my perception of sensations is much clearer and sharper than before..."

Sorry to be so chatty on my own thread, but I thought it important to add that not only are my perceptions of sensations much sharper, but their origins (eye, ear, body, mind, etc.) and the fact that they are NOT me is becoming much more real to me as well.

Most of my sittings this week have been unremarkable, I've not been as consistent as I'd like to be which I'm sure is a major factor in the lack of concentration that I've been able to generate. My mind has been filled more than usual with worries, concerns and planning, resulting in frustration and irritation and lack of patience with myself.

This morning was better - I drove to a spot near my home on a wide creek, a beautiful place in the woods with wide shoals with lots of water cascading over rocks providing a relaxing view and hypnotic gurgling of water. I focused on a spot in the shoals where the water was boiling white and began concentration practice. Concentration developed better than it had earlier this week and soon the white caps and rivulets became a fractal of energy and light. Unfortunately, this took some time to develop and pending honey-dos soon wedged their way into my awareness and I ended the session.

I have dabbled with kasina practice for some time now - I've tried using bowls and plates as well as kasinas I created on my computer and all seem to be equally effective. This morning, focusing on the rocks and water in the shoals, I realize that the world is my kasina - I can focus on most anything and develop concentration with the same predictable effects. Another idea I've tried recently is to simply pick some nearby object - it doesn't matter what it is, a spot on the wall, a knot on a tree, a splash of color on a leaf...and try to solidify it. I just stare intently at whatever the object and try to maintain a continuous, unchanging view of it. It really is a myth that we view the world as this smooth, continuous, unbroken picture. When I focus on an object this way, it pops in and out erratically; it seems a good exercise in observing the constant rising and passing of phenomena - impermanence in action.

I've also been working on maintaining/increasing mindfulness during daily activities. There are a few positives resulting from losing my job, one of which is I now have time to work on projects and "honey-dos" around the house that have been haunting me for a while. I enjoy wood working and so I'm building some built-in bookshelves for my wife's home office. I have intentionally slowed my pace and tried to remain completely present with whatever I'm doing. The results so far have been nice - the quality of my work is much improved, and I am perceiving simple movements and actions in a whole new light.

BTW, I've got spare time and some scrap lumber, so if anyone would like a nice, custom-made seiza bench, let me know...I'll be happy to build it and ship it to anyone willing to pay the postage

Metta,

John

"This morning, focusing on the rocks and water in the shoals, I realize that the world is my kasina - I can focus on most anything and develop concentration with the same predictable effects." -n8sense

Yes! There is nothing special about a kasina object, or about any particular object of awareness. The world is indeed your kasina. Anytime we focus on one thing for an extended period of time, concentration develops. Concentration (samadhi), the ability to keep the mind undistracted, is one of the seven factors of enlightenment.

"I have intentionally slowed my pace and tried to remain completely present with whatever I'm doing. The results so far have been nice - the quality of my work is much improved, and I am perceiving simple movements and actions in a whole new light."-n8sense

The Buddha taught that among our birthrights as human beings are sickness, old age, and death. Who can deny it? Understanding this, the only reasonable thing to do is to slow down and be present with this moment. It will be gone before we know it...

Thank you for the reminder, John, and for your dedication to your practice. One of the pointers I've used to keep myself on track throughout the years is "constancy, not heroics." Better than straining at meditation every once in awhile, it's a thousand times more powerful to remain alert, without strain, throughout the entire day. Your practice lately has been a model of constancy.

Kenneth

Let me begin this note by expressing my gratitude to all who have read this thread and offered advice and encouragement . I feel a bit guilty about not addressing each comment directly (due to time constraints), but I'd like you all to know that each and every comment has been helpful in some way or another and I truly appreciate your feedback.

Practice has not been particularly noteworthy in terms of attaining anything specific. I guess I would characterize the past few days as a study in contrasts: some sittings have been pleasant and unremarkable, others less pleasant - even disturbing in some ways.

This morning's sitting was marked by a swift pass through the 3 jhannas I have access to and then moved directly to what I assume is Knowledge of Disgust, for every sensation I perceived was irritating to me, whether it was pleasant or not. I simply wanted to be left alone, to be able to just "be" without interferrence from sensations regardless of their nature. At one point something new and interesting happened...the locus of "self" seemed to move outside of "me" and whatever was left in its place just sat observing for a short while before merging with it again. This is a poor description, I know - I'm still processing the event, so maybe after reflecting a bit, I'll have more to say.

I am finding more and more that I am able to approach each session with a little less desire for specific outcomes and just let the meditation take me where it will. Thank you, Kenneth for the words in your post above, "constancy, not heroics". It has taken on real meaning for me in trying to just let things take place at their own pace. When I let go of desire or hope with regard to outcomes, the sittings seem to flow better. Maybe I'll adopt Dante's famous quote, "All hope abandon, ye who enter here".

I have to say, sometimes it feels like I'm realllllly close...

Nothing new or remarkable about my sittings over the last week or so. The flow of experience has become familiar and predictable: begin with a few minutes of concentration practice by focusing on some external object, then closing the eyes and just observing whatever arises, sometimes noting, sometimes just sitting and watching without comment and trying to maintain eqanimity with regard to any sensations presenting. Most every sitting of late has been focused on vipassana and noting sensations and they rise and pass so rapidly that I have resorted to just mentally noting "that...that..." rather than specific names for each. I find myself sometimes becoming involved and/or attached at times and I just note that and move on. Occasionaly I wander off into thinking, planning, etc. but quickly let go and return to the task at hand whenever I realize it has happened. Off the mat, I continue to try and remain mindful during daily activities and have added a new wrinkle of asking myself as often as I remember, "Where is energy flowing now?" It has been interesting to watch the way energy ebbs and flows at different times of the day. A couple of insights for me: Desire or craving/averting and suffering are synonomous; I realized yesterday a.m. that I sometimes meditate in my sleep; things like mood changes, feelings, energy "spurts" seem to cycle in regulated patterns and lately have had a lava lamp - like feel to them.

I sometimes fele silly making such mundane reports, but then I remember that the purpose is to serve as a record of my journey which will hopefully prove helpful to me at some point in pushing to higher levels...and you never know who else may benefit from this experience.

Best to all,

John

On a whim, I decided to focus on the brow chakra area during my sit this afternoon. This produced a totally new experience for me. I recently noticed that most of the time activity seemed to center in the heart/chest area during my sits, so I wondered if changing the focus would change the experience somehow. Boy - did it ever. The first thing I noticed was that this felt like moving into a new space; one I don't know how to be in yet. It was a struggle to remain focused on the brow area and I could feel myself trying to "slide" back down into more the familiar and comfortable space I am used to. Once I was able to more or less remain focused there I began to experience new things - the primary thing I noticed was the fast, intense vibratory nature of this "place". I could feel my lips and fingers vibrating like some intense electrical charge was coursing through them. The second thing I noticed was fairly frequent flashes of light - lots of flashes of bright light, predominantly blue to blue-white. The third thing that stood out was that almost immediately upon entering this new territory, I began to experience the fluttering eyes effect. I have had these fairly regularly for a while now, but the rate and intensity was definitely amped up with this change of focus. I also became very hot - even now my face and ears feel hot and I'm somewhat flushed.

I'm not sure what this development might be, but it was is very intense and not altogether unpleasant. I suppose the question I should be asking is, is this something I should pursue, or am I wandering off the path by manipulating my focus?

Best to all,

John

Very interesting, John. Keep investigating this and let us know what you discover. You aren't manipulating your experience in a way that will hold you back. In other words, you aren't trying to have any particular experience. You're just exploring your own body/mind and finding whatever you find. This is good practice for you at this time.

Kenneth

"Very interesting, John. Keep investigating this and let us know what you discover. You aren't manipulating your experience in a way that will hold you back. In other words, you aren't trying to have any particular experience. You're just exploring your own body/mind and finding whatever you find. This is good practice for you at this time.

Kenneth"

I think Kenneth's advice is solid.

It's easy to tell whether or not you're trying to manipulate your experience.

Here's what you're doing...
"I wonder what happens when I bring my attention here. Oh, so this is happening and that is happening."

Here's what not to do...
"OK, so I want to get those neat eye-flutters back because I like them so much. I did this one thing last time, but now I'm just getting this other thing. Ignore that, just try to get the flutters."

Not the best example, but I hope you get my point. What you're doing seems like sincere investigation, which is always a good thing

~Jackson

"Here's what not to do...
'OK, so I want to get those neat eye-flutters back because I like them so much. I did this one thing last time, but now I'm just getting this other thing. Ignore that, just try to get the flutters.'"-awouldbehipster

Exactly. Thanks, Jackson.

Thank you, Kenneth and Jackson for the comments and advice. It's good to know that investigating this new development isn't just a case of me trying to manipulate my experience for the sake of gaining some particular outcome. It is facinating to me to discover that just a simple change in focus can have such a powerful effect on experience.

I had a bit of insight while reading Jackson's Essay on 20 Strata of Mind and Jhanic Arc and the discussion that follows. Daniel commented, "There are other things that simply don't fit into the standard classification systems well even if one is using a very complex one, such as the Deep Slow Opiate-like Goo-like state that some, but not all, will drop down into during cycles in A&P territory: it is clearly something different..."

I believe I have been in that goo-like state Daniel referred to a couple of times. It has a very different feel to it than any of my other experiences thus far and I recall thinking that it felt as if I was undergoing a sort of inner "scrub down" while in this state. It's like being suspended in molasses if one can imagine such a thing, very slow, thick, undulating and mostly pleasant. I never considered that it might have been something out of the ordinary as Daniel mentioned.

And so the learning continues...

Best to all,

John

Sometimes it seems like I have no choice over which meditation technique I apply during a sitting. My experiences over the past couple of days makes it feel to me like the technique chooses me...

For example, yesterday my intent was to focus on concentration practice so I sat with a kassina and began. Almost from the start I felt like this wasn't right - the energy in the chest/heart chakra area that has been my almost constant companion lo these many months arose and began vying for my attention. For about twenty five minutes I tried to will myself to just note the energy's presensence and remain focused on the kasina, but it just wasn't happening. So I switched my focus and away we went, so to speak. The energy grew and shrank, expanded and contracted, moved around from place to place in slow-moving undulations for about 45 minutes - then I stopped. I remain committed to watching these events with as much equanimity as possible. I remained interested and non-commital with the "show" put on by this energy and this made it much easier to experience than in the past when I was focused on hoping and trying to make it go away. I'm not sure what to make of this energy - what it means and/or what else I should be doing with it.

In both of today's sittings, I had similar experiences to the one just mentioned. Started out with the intent to work on concentration and ended up somewhere else. In the a.m. sitting, I ended up spending the better part of my time in self-inquiry simply because this seemed like the only object my "self" would focus on. This evening ended again with me leaving concentration practice and just watching my insistent friend, the energy ball for an hour or so. I did notice that the energy seemed less intense and was at times even pleasant. And for some reason I still don't understand I found myself involuntarily grinning like a mule eating briars as the session ended.

Hi n8sense,

Maybe this old thread from the DhO might help. I had been focused on the heart/chest area for years ever since I found out that Goenka told students to focus there for short periods on the 30 day course and when i discovered that his teacher Syagyi U Ba Khin used to tell his students to centre their entire attention there. Most of my meditative adventures occurred at the heart....but also at times at the solar plexus and the throat. Anyway, maybe you have not seen this thread on the importance of the heart in Vipassana. It might help.


bit.ly/bhNVdp

Hi Nikolai,

Thanks a million for this link! I do remember seeing part of it when it first surfaced over on DhO, but at the time it really didn't resonate with my experience, now...it seems a good fit and I am going to read it all in detail.

Like they say, "Timing is everything"!

Practice well,

John