sol's practice notes

Ive decided to join in with the others posting their practice notes. I expect my posting to be less than sporadic. Im very busy, my practice is irregular, I have even less time for writing about practice, and Im generally inclined only to talk about the most interesting developments. Who knows, this may end up as my only note. In any case the following is on my mind:

I believe I have been experiencing numerous mini-fruitions recently. Im not sure if that is what is happening, but it is plausible because it seems likely that I recently had a significant fruition: My understanding of the dharma has recently shifted up to a distinctly new level, and I can identify an event which might be the fruition that initiated this. The probable fruition certainly did not seem like anything dramatic. I was sitting in class, doing a little light investigation when ". huh?" And that was basically all that I thought about it at the time.
(cont.)

This is what is happening with the possible mini-fruitions: As I begin to investigate how the experience of perspective is a non-self phenomenon, the sense of perspective becomes exaggerated. The "observer" seems to recede while the "observed" seems to move further away, creating a space which is the vector of observation/perspective. After a little bit (a few moments to a few seconds) this vector develops a curvature (which makes me think of some of Daniel's descriptions of the three doors, although it doesnt seem bent enough to qualify as toroid). Then the whole thing collapses. It is not clear to me that there is any discontinuity of reality in this collapse, but maybe there is: in addition to realizing the non-selfness of all this, everything seems released way beyond anything expected, as though things no longer even qualify as an experience that could known to be non-self. This ultimate can seem very liberating at the time, but right now it almost seems uselessly ultimate. It seems more important to be able to see the non-self-ness of my experience than that thing.

-Sol

A few days ago I told my wife that it seems like I have just been going back and forth between reobs. and equanimity for the past couple of months. However, it seemed odd to me that after cycling successfully for some time, I would start having such fall-back.
Yesterday, after realizing that I was in A&P and remembering a cessation the night before, I pieced some things together and realized that I have been cycling this whole time: it is just that these days the regions between reobs and equanimity seem much more distinct and more in-focus than any other phase. Odd.

Keep posting, Sol. The more information you stack up here, the more we can see what is going on with you and offer targeted guidance. Give as much raw data as possible and try not to interpret too much. As you've seen, self-evaluation can be tricky.

Ok, thanks. Ive got a little more time these days, both for practice and posting, so this might be a good time to get involved, although my internet access might be a little spotty. I'll being going on a two week solitary retreat in about a month, and it wouldnt hurt to go into it with some good advice.

First piece of data: the events I take to be cessations almost always happen when I am waking up, and usually when waking up from a nap. These are not forceful, explosive awakenings. Just waking normally, some where in the process of trying to get my bearings I stumble upon "gone". Usually makes me feel like I dont need to be worrying about any of the problems in my life, or about anything, but that feeling generally last just a minute or two.
Ill try to post more over the next few days.

Data #2: what im taking to be A&P is marked by what I will always think of as mushroom-consciousness. There is a sense that because I have nothing to lose, everything is wonderful and beautiful in its own way. Usually this sense is not complete or is not maintained for long. Some element that seems painful or disagreeable will enter my awareness followed by a thought or impulse that says "but whats the problem with that?" and then bliss will be complete again for a little bit. I start to think that I could perform some kind of deep healing by finding all the sadness, fear, and pain in my heart and bringing it out into this consciousness. I often think, "its too bad enlightenment isnt like this." Other times reality just seems to be a weirder place than I had realized, in a fun if tumultuous way.

Data #3: The jhanic arc is a bit of a mystery to me. I have problems with concentration. (Actually, I should say that I have a problem with jhana - I am almost never distracted while practicing.) I have some severe digestive problems that give me throbbing abdominal pain of different degrees most of the time. When this pain is at a minimum, I readily fall into jhanic states, but other times those states are unclear at best. As a result I havent had much opportunity to observe them well. I am familiar with a variety of jhanic states, but only occasionally do they seem to arise in order.

#4: in the vast middle ground between what Im calling A&P (see above) and equanimity (see below), i am not able to make many distinctions between stages. I tend to spend my time trying to balance precise concentration with broad awareness. I will sit carefully observing how my breath and body (which become indistinguishable) breaks down into blips and vibes, vaguely imagining that if I watch carefully enough those vibes will refine down to reveal the secret of reality. After a while this starts to feel boring, like its not going anywhere, and I become aware of a lot background chatter that I am ignoring. Then I start trying to notice the dissatisfying quality of experience. This seems more useful for a while, but then it starts to feel like Im chasing my tail too much and maybe starting to lose concentration, so I switch back to focused vibe-watching.
Any extra misery that I experience during this phase, I tend to attribute to my bad guts (which do indeed make me sour much of the time). But as the misery reaches its maximum I start imagining ways to alter my experience. "Maybe I should be practicing Tantra, then I could be manifesting myself as Avalokiteshvara." "What if I breathe this way," "What if I take this attitude toward my experience" etc.

#5: When, with relief, I break through to what I am considering equanimity, I am usually surprised. I experience a rush of scorn for absorption states and attempts to change my experience. The whole problem of balancing precision and scope goes away, and I start thinking that it is a mistake to consider meditation a special project or activity. It becomes clear that I just have to sit here, being myself, and, since awareness is present, the whole thing will take care of itself. I am surprised how straightforward experience is, and even though this is not as fun as A&P, I think to myself that it is somehow better.
In here I sometimes experience strange momentary experiences, such as what I call "the stamp," where a given moment will become briefly frozen in time, and somehow depressed, as though the whole thing had been stamped. Other times a specific moment will just seem especially cosmic. Etc.

Other than the cessations (described above), which I some how tend to forget about or dismiss, the transition between the smoothness of equanimity and the energy of A&P is not clearly demarcated, so I am sometimes well into the thrill before I realize what is going on.

Ok, I think thats about all I have to say right now. I might be able to clarify if there are questions. Comments and advice are welcome.