Dave A's Practice Journal

I've been corresponding with Kenneth for a couple of weeks but didn't see myself doing a practice journal any time soon because I wasn't in the habit of reflecting too deeply on individual sittings and also wasn't sure I had much to share that would be of value. However, my sitting has taken an interesting turn over the last week or so, so I have decided to post my experiences for the benefit of others and also to benefit from the enormous collective wisdom on this forum.

I am a 53 year old American male living in Nairobi, Kenya (been here since 1998). I'm married (my wife is Kenyan and has done a few of the Goenka courses, too - she is supportive of my practice) and the parent of two kids who are in high school. I've been meditating for around 7-8 years, having learned about Vipassana meditation through the SN Goenka system - dhamma teachers here are few and far between. 10-day courses as taught by SN Goenka are offered in Nairobi three times a year and I've been fairly regular about taking one every year. I was meditating for around 45 minutes to one hour per day during this time. For what it's worth, I am inclined towards the Theravadan tradition.

I came across MCTB and DhO about two months ago, shortly before going on one of these 10-day courses. It made a huge difference. My meditation had become half-hearted: I realized that it was helping me to be a saner and more functional person, but as for enlightenment or liberation - that was portrayed by nearly everybody as something that might occur in a few lifetimes but never in this one. How inspirational and exciting to learn that there are people out there who have attained arahantship and bucked the taboo over talking about it!

It was with this in mind and the advice that Daniel Ingram gives for going on retreat that I brought new vigor and determination to the 10-day course in December. Largely because of this new-found enthusiasm and interest, I was able to bare down and focus in a way that had previously been difficult to sustain, for nearly the entire 10 days. My level of concentration during the initial 3.5 days of anapanna/samadhi felt like it was deeper than I had been able to attain before (although I don't yet feel capable of defining exactly how deep it was). When the usual intense bodily pains arose during Vipassana, I was able to note the constituent sensations, observe their inherent nature of impermanence and not-self, and remain equanimous nearly throughout.

Inspired by this experience, I came away determined to routinely sit one hour in the morning and one hour in the evening and really see whether I can take this practice to another level after what I now saw as years of relative stagnation.

A couple of days ago during my morning session, I sat down, observed respiration for a minute or two. Started scanning and noting sensations. Got beyond the gross physical sensations stage (is this the dukka nana?). Started investigating where is "I" located? Felt as though it was located in the head, somewhere right behind and perhaps slightly above the eyeballs.

My body started trembling. The tremors seemed to emanate from somewhere around the base of the spine and manifested in a physical shaking, from the hips and up towards the shoulders. Breath became a bit more uneven and jerky, kind of in line with the tremors. The tremors subsided after maybe 5-8 minutes and I went back to investigating the "I". Tremors started again after maybe 5-10 minutes, but a bit more pronounced. This cycle repeated itself three times. At the end of the third series of tremors, which were the most pronounced, they ended rather abruptly and then a sense of calm, quiet and concentration dropped over me. My breath felt as though it had stopped completely for a few seconds. I felt expansive and allowed myself to be absorbed into the state rather than investigating individual sensations. There was what felt like a ball of energy and tightness in the back of my head, slightly to the right side.

Before I came out of this expansive phase, my chime went off, signaling the hour was up. Felt kind of silly to end the sit just because the hour was up, so I continued, maintaining absorption in the expansive presence. Then the tremors returned, only this time they were so pronounced that it literally felt like someone was grabbing my shoulders and shaking them back and forth. I tried opening my eyes for a few seconds a couple of times to see if that would have any effect and it didn't appear to. If I hadn't read or heard about some of the physical things that have happened to others, I would have gotten pretty freaked out - it was kind of like being possessed. I also remembered Goenka's story of the nuclear physicist who was studying under U Ba Khin and who was shaking violently in his cell because of his negative sankaras. As it was, there was a tiny sensation of fear that arose for a couple of seconds but it passed and I was able to remain largely equanimous and observant.

I would guess that this violent shaking probably lasted about 5 minutes. It ended rather abruptly, as the other tremors had. But then my eyeballs started feeling as though they were being mushed back in my head and kind of spread sideways. When I tried opening my eyes, it felt as though the eyelids were stretched and I was looking through slits. Closed my eyes and soon the skin on my entire face felt like it was being pulled back from either side of my head, really stretched taut. The ligaments in one side of my neck were also taut and contracted. It was very pronounced and I really wondered what the hell was happening... but I was not fearful.

After probably 3-5 minutes of this, my facial muscles began relaxing back to normal and I figured I might as well end the sit.

Since then, I have had 4 more one-hour sits. The shaking, followed by stillness of breath, etc. have continued in pretty much the same patterns in each of the sits, as per my previous description, so I won't repeat that aspect of them. However, yesterday after about 40 minutes my neck started to feel as though it was being gripped by tongs. Then the ligaments started getting stretched very tight, as though the throat region was trying to open as wide as possible, and the breath was sounding as though it was coming through a tunnel.

After about 10 minutes, the tension then worked its way up to my jaw region. My mouth turned to a grimace and then the jaws started stretching apart as wide as they could - my mouth was wide open. Very strange; I was grateful not to be in a group sitting where somebody might glance at me - it probably would have looked as though I was possessed!

After about 5-8 minutes of that, the mouth relaxed a bit and the tension rose to the eye region. Eyes didn't feel mushed quite like they did the first time, but were tightly clenched in a grimace. This lasted about 5 minutes.

As before, when the chime signaling the end of the 60 minutes sounded, I was not ready to get up off the cushion, as the weird muscular tension was still manifesting and I wasn't sure whether something else might need to happen. It was very clear that the body was really operating according to its own program.

This morning, more of the same: ligaments in the neck and face stretching to their limit (actually became rather painful - cheeks and stomach feel the way they do after a laughing fit). The nostrils expanding to their limit and then the mouth open wide in a grimace and the eyes squeezed tightly shut. When the face finally relaxed, a feeling of heat throughout the front of the head.

I sat around 10 minutes past the one-hour chime, mostly because under these circumstances it's hard to know when the sitting has come to a conclusion - is the body done doing its thing yet?

Having read the relevant section on A&P - Daniel tells me this is classic A&P territory - in MCTB, much of what I'm going through seems to be documented there, which is reassuring because otherwise it would be just too weird. I'm remaining equanimous to this stuff, but it's hard not to wonder how long it's going to go on.

One final observation: it may just be my imagination, but I get the impression that the shaking, trembling and tension either commences or becomes more pronounced when I turn my attention towards identifying the "I"...

"
One final observation: it may just be my imagination, but I get the impression that the shaking, trembling and tension either commences or becomes more pronounced when I turn my attention towards identifying the "I"..."

Hi David,

I have observed in my own experience when i start investigating the sensations of "I", I start observing shifts in the energy flowing up the body. The cycles speed up somewhat as well. For example if I feel I have been stuck in the dukkha nanas for a while and I feel negative sensations in one of the lower chakras, I will turn the attention to the sensations that make up the "I" and as this is being observed it seems like the cycle speeds up and I get through the dukkha nanas faster. The negative sensations that i was feeling seem to spit and splutter and dissipate once the "I" is being experienced as just a sum of sensations arising and passing away very quickly.

I see this illusion of "I", as the blockage that hinders the flow of some sort of energy that makes its way up the spine, spending time at the chakras. Once that blockage is momentarily overcome, energy , maybe kundalini, starts to flow and makes its way upwards. So maybe all those spasms and weirdness in the body is because of this . Who knows? That is how is seems like in my own experience. And maybe that is why Kenneth says becoming an arahat is completing the circuit where the energy flows unhindered. Why? Because there is no more illusion of "I" blocking it.

Have done three one-hour sits since the last entry. Each session seems to commence with about 10-15 minutes of very pleasurable "champagne bubbles" tingling all over the head and shoulder region. This pleasant tingling appears on other parts of the body at different times. Otherwise, I am noting (not so much labeling, I still find that challenging) various sensations appearing and passing away fairly rapidly, sensations associated with each of the sense doors.

The rigorous shaking and trembling which characterized the previous three days is pretty much gone. There is an occasional tremor originating from the base of the spine, but it is very mild and usually short-lived. Same with tightening of the neck ligaments and grimacing of facial muscles - there is the occasional tightness but nothing more.

I continue to explore sensations associated with the illusion of "I" and continue to sense a certain energy flow connected with this inquiry. Meanwhile, when not on the cushion, I continue to feel a heightened flow of energy, particularly a tingling on the scalp and the front of the head, although it is not as pronounced as it was in the previous several days. A knot of energy and pressure that has resided in the back center of the head is still there, although occasionally feeling like a dull ache.

"Have done three one-hour sits since the last entry. Each session seems to commence with about 10-15 minutes of very pleasurable "champagne bubbles" tingling all over the head and shoulder region. This pleasant tingling appears on other parts of the body at different times. Otherwise, I am noting (not so much labeling, I still find that challenging) various sensations appearing and passing away fairly rapidly, sensations associated with each of the sense doors.

The rigorous shaking and trembling which characterized the previous three days is pretty much gone. There is an occasional tremor originating from the base of the spine, but it is very mild and usually short-lived. Same with tightening of the neck ligaments and grimacing of facial muscles - there is the occasional tightness but nothing more. "

Hey, David. I'm really glad to have come upon your thread here. It sounds like you and I have been going through some similar stuff lately.

(Here's a link to my practice thread: kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/34...Eye-Balls+Fluttering )

Really glad to hear that the more violent stuff has subsided already for you! Keep it up.

Gratefully,
Ryan

Hi Ryan, thanks for alerting me to your own practice notes. I especially appreciated the Kornfield quotation and his reminder that we should be patient with our bodies. When these dramatic energy surges occur, it's hard not to feel like something "special" is happening, when really it's probably just one of the more obvious markers along the path. I find the challenge is then to remain alertly observant to the subtle sensations occuring rather than waiting for the dramatic surges to reappear...

Since my last entry a week ago, the pleasant sensations during sitting and the heightened flow of energy while off the cushion continued. I have been working on developing my concentration abilities, as documented in a series of entries on DhO (under the thread 'Shaking and Trembling').

But beginning with an evening sit yesterday, and continuing in both sittings today, my concentration has gone out the window, replaced for the most part by sloth and torpor. I find it difficult to follow more than 3-4 breaths without getting lost and having to find my way back. Individual sensations can be detected after they arise but investigation is muddled. Hence, neither samatha nor vipassana practices appear viable. The mind feels like it is swaddled in thick cotton; I can plow through a one-hour sitting, but it feels like I'm in a rather numbing haze.

I have a tendency to go through periods during meditation where I'm yawning frequently, although it doesn't feel as though the yawning is due to fatigue as much as an involuntary release of tension of some sort.

I don't feel very sharp when I'm off the cushion '“ I frequently have trouble remembering a specific word or phrase '“ but otherwise not too bad, so I suppose this isn't a Dark Night period'¦ but I haven't become familiar enough yet with the maps to figure out where I am.