Jean's practice notes

I realized that I had posted my notes in the wrong place (profile) so I'm continuing them here.

My last post: Woke up with sinus headache which felt like a minor migraine w/a few other minor body aches. Meditated @ 45min. Focus on kachina and counting breath was stable. I didn't lose the 1-10 count. However, the suffering aspect seemed to grow all out of proportion to the actual pain; observed that for awhile; profound sense of discomfort, along with sad emotional tones (tears); area from diaphragm to upper neck. At times slight sense of wavering, almost jelly like stickiness - to sense of self in relation to the pain. Pain itself varied in intensity. Some change, but not feeling much flow.

Afterwards, the "suffering" aspect was so bad that I just curled up in bed. Then meditated for another hour. I feel like I'm stuck between worlds. At the moment the pain is a bit worse, the suffering is manageable, but I'm (who?) not a happy camper.

A week later:

Migraine pain is gone, but I continue to feel oddly uncomfortable in my skin.

In any case, I have come to the conclusion that I have had some insights over the last 20 yrs or so, but that I have never adequately developed my concentration skills to deal with them. So I think I will just mainly get down to this concentration business and develop that for my foundation.

Hey Jean, Best of luck with your practice...

Thanks very much, Clayton.

A couple of recent blog posts by Duncan Barford (on understanding & inclusion openenlightenment.org/?p=334 ) and Vince Horn (on "the path of wholeness" www.buddhistgeeks.com/2010/03/the-path-of-wholeness/ ) have been really helpful. I think I was starting to move a little too much towards wanting a transcendant experience. Both desiring and excluding.

Seeing all phenomena including even my more subtle desires to "get somewhere" changes the quality of the meditation, and also the general tone of my everyday life/practice.

Lately, no fireworks in meditation practice -- just more of a sense of clarity, interest, and curiosity, even about sleepiness or pain. A sense that my concentration is somewhat deeper and more broad. I'm using a kasina that is the bottom of a small, plain white ceramic plate. I like the neutrality of the thing, the sense of the circle as a reminder of wholeness and "inclusion."

That second paragraph of my last post isn't clear. I mean that INCLUDING all phenomena such as even my more subtle desires to "get somewhere" changes the quality of the meditation, etc.