Dharma diagnosis

Hi, I've been a lurker for a while, and I posted this to resolve a question I have about "what's going on with me"

I discovered MCTB about two years ago. I did practice somewhat regularly back then. After a while, one night ( while I was asleep) I had this tremendous vibration throughout my spine, it happened 3 times that night. Later on another day while I was sleeping I dreamed a ball of yellow light coming out of my stomach.

Since those two yearsI've been obsessed with websites such as KFDh, Shinzen young, Adyashanti and other advaita/ whatever nondual material I could get my hands on ( at the risk of consuming a substantial time of the day) . My motivation levels for doing studies have dropped and there's a feeling of malaise or "Life doesn't have any meaning" in the background. Since then, I haven't been practicing regularly, but I've been doing "who's the watcher of this phenomena" type of meditations off and on.

Am I going through dark night? were those kundalini experiences I had indicative of A&P?

Sometimes I think the malaise in the background of my life is dukkha nana, but I haven't been meditating much.

Anyways, I'm going to dedicate about 30mts of practice per day. The thing is, my motivation ( even for meditation) is low. Oh well, I guess I'd use some brute force.

Thanks in advance

*Take this with a grain of salt as I am not an authority... the wiser should be by shorty*

It certainly does sound like an A&P event to me. The lack of motivation and feeling of malaise seem like classic dark night symptoms. You don't need to be meditating to go through the DN. According to MCTB you will go through it after the A&P no matter what you do.

You write, "Ow well I guess I'd use some brute force" One of the things to remember is that after the A&P consistency is more important than Heroics. The practice is something we have to accept and recognize rather than strain to reach. Best of luck...

Clayton

Thanks for the reply.

Yeah, maybe it's A&P, maybe it's not. What happened was, there was this weird phenomena of vibrations, and after that, the perception I had about life changed drastically. Earlier, I was living life, just as a normal person, knowing life as itself is all there is, but after this event, my life has taken a different turn - sometimes now I feel like I emulate a sense of normalcy, while in the background there's a feeling of malaise and sadness

On the other hand, I don't think I've obtained any of the concentration or insight jhanas.

Hello N.ga,

Yes, it does sound like an A&P event followed by common symptoms of going through the dark night stages.

Your dedication to 30 min per day of practice should help. There's no way to determine just how long a dark night phase will last, so do your best to remain patient.

Asking "Who?" is a great practice. Though, sometimes we revert to doing enquiry when our direct experience is painful or uncomfortable. I have found that the best thing to do when going through a dark night phases is to simple acknowledge and include every sensation of your experience in a welcoming, nonjudgmental way. If we are not careful, asking "Who is the watcher?" can actually feed into any aversion we have toward the phenomena arising Now. Rather than asking, "Who?" during the dark night, I recommend that you try noticing what is arising in each moment and then welcoming it into your awareness by mentally noting something like, "This too, this too." As cheesy as it sounds, I often said (during my first real dark night stage), "Hello (pain, fear, tightness, frustration, throbbing, numbness, etc.), welcome. Please, stay as long as you would like. I will listen."

You can think of it like this; the difficult sensations are like neglected children. They act out because they don't get any attention. They want to be accepted for who they are, and not expected to change just to make you happy. So, welcome them in and let them stay as long as they would like. Hear their stories. When they've had enough, they'll move on.

Of course, this is just a suggestion. Take it or leave it.

~Jackson

"
You can think of it like this; the difficult sensations are like neglected children. They act out because they don't get any attention. They want to be accepted for who they are, and not expected to change just to make you happy. So, welcome them in and let them stay as long as they would like. Hear their stories. When they've had enough, they'll move on.

Of course, this is just a suggestion. Take it or leave it.

~Jackson"

I'll definitely take that advice ! Very reasonable and pragmatic. Thank you.

"I'll definitely take that advice ! Very reasonable and pragmatic. Thank you."

Thanks. Glad I could help.

Hi N.Ga,

I concur with Jackson's diagnosis, prognosis, and prescription.

Hit the cushion! (Constancy, not heroics.)

Kenneth

Hi N.ga

Just wanted to thank you for sharing this. I went through a similarly strange experience about 9 months ago (not similar in regards to the chakra energy, but similar in that it had a distinct change about my perceptions on life). At the time, I hadn't thought it could be an A&P because I didn't immediately sink into misery. In fact, there was a general sense of ease and relief for a long time. But I hadn't really been able to wrap my head around what it could be, because although I felt a lot of despondency and uncertainty lift, it certainly didn't feel like first path.

But since then, I've noticed a distinct drop in motivation and willingness to practice, as well as a physical tenseness and a racing mind that accompanies my practice. And I'm coming to recognize a general sense of "what's the point?" underlying all of this as well. I think the initial experience was such a relief to me because it showed "these things really happen!" and I was dazed enough by this to miss the underlying flip to Dark Night territory.

Reading your experience has helped me get a fresh perspective on my own, and its pretty clear that I AM floundering around in the Dark Night as well. Your post (as well as the advice given in reply) gives me a second wind, so to speak, so thanks again for putting this up! Simply knowing this makes it so much easier to work with.

"there's a feeling of malaise or "Life doesn't have any meaning" in the background. "

This is not dark night, dark night is when your psyche is moved really close to the source of fear, disgust, misery feeling. So, very very intense.


What you are feeling is caused by reading too much dharma material and not doing much actual practice to digest them, so you are stuck in a contradictory place in your mind trying to reconcile the dharma with the rest of the world. If you can practice until you see that mind is an illusion then you won't have this problem

Hey Jin jin,

I would disagree that that feeling of " life not having any meaning" could not be apart of dark night. When I became more aware of the stages, I definitely had simliar feelings, generally around the Disgust stage....everything disgusted me....life disgusted me....sex disgusted me...then that led to desire to get liberated. I wouldn't outrightly dismiss that possibility that it is a dark night syndrome....then again it could be cos one is overloaded with "Dharma"....I can relate to that.

Even so...I would continue meditating cos it will be the main thing that will snap you out of it.

"This is not dark night, dark night is when your psyche is moved really close to the source of fear, disgust, misery feeling. So, very very intense.


What you are feeling is caused by reading too much dharma material and not doing much actual practice to digest them, so you are stuck in a contradictory place in your mind trying to reconcile the dharma with the rest of the world. If you can practice until you see that mind is an illusion then you won't have this problem"

I think every description of the progress of insight in whatever context could come with the following disclosure...

WARNING: Individual experience of the territory may vary.

To contextualize the discussion, we should remember that the "Dark Night of the Soul" as described by St. John of the Cross (who coined the term "Dark Night" in the first place) described it as having seen paradise and than lost it. This is why the post-A&P blues can almost always be attributed to a dark night, as I think it does in N.ga's above description.

Either way, the prescription remains the same in my opinion. We move beyond difficulties by facing them head on, but with a spirit of equanimity rather than warfare. As Kenneth says, "constancy, not heroics."

~Jackson