Nicole's Practice Notes

Hello, I've been lurking around this board and the DHO for a while, I had my first talk with Kenneth this week and he suggested I put up a journal so here goes.

For some background here is what I wrote to Kenneth in my inital email.
I've been practicing Samatha meditation at a local centre for over two years, although not always with full application as I started to wonder if it was ever going anywhere. One night I strayed off the script in my private meditations and started getting strong (what I now know as) A&P stuff happening, strong shaking, energy shooting up my body. I thought I could be damaging myself in some way so I layed off doing that again.

Some months later I found the MTCTOTB book and started noting the breath as it instructs, very quickly got the A&P symptoms back, then went through dark night, equinimity. I think I got stream entry just after Christmas then appeared to go through another cycle. I don't expect you to take my word for it, but I might as well be honest as to where I feel I am. At the moment when I sit I get strong pressure build up in my crown and tingling in my brow, occasional strong surges of energy, and (what i've labeled) fruitions that don't seem to lead anywhere.

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25 mins sit. I attempted to clarify the samatha jhanas following from some stuff Kenneth talked about, then moved into insight.
Mind quite active, lots of thoughts. Focused on counting the breath to gain access concentration. When entering the first few Jhana my eyes blink and I see a circle of light flash for a micro second, its even more obvious in the dark than daylight.
1st A sense of focus, subtle energy in body. Dropped counting and put light attention on breath.
2nd The focus is dropped, feeling of eyes relaxing, no more effort required to stay in jhana.
3rd Stable, calm, subtle cooling sensation on skin.

4th? Sinking down sensation in face, feels deeper and darker somehow. Aware of multitude of lights in visual field, flashing in and out of existence.
5th? Feeling of open spaciousness. Very pleasant and peaceful. Decide to start Vipassana so I don't get too attached to this.
Attempt to investigate 'space' and 'openess'. Start to feel burning energy in stomach I've been getting lately. I keep alternating open awareness/being present, asking 'who' and deconstructing sensations. All seem to be answered with a surge of that energy in the stomach. It spreads out to my throat, where there is a vague feeling of sadness. Forehead starts tingling a bit. In the visual field purple-ish blobs form and dissapate in a constant flux.

"At the moment when I sit I get strong pressure build up in my crown and tingling in my brow, occasional strong surges of energy, and (what i've labeled) fruitions that don't seem to lead anywhere."

Sounds familiar.....

Welcome to the kundalinibursts, thirdeyepressure, metalskullcap whatthehellishappeningtome club!

"Sounds familiar.....

Welcome to the kundalinibursts, thirdeyepressure, metalskullcap whatthehellishappeningtome club!



"

Hi Nikolai, I'm an avid reader of your practice thread and my experiences often seem to line up uncannily with what you are writing about, although your rollarcoaster seems to have higher highs and lower lows than mine generally does. There are many times I've found it helpful to read so thanks for that

Last night I was trying to go to sleep, but my body had other plans and I realised I was in jhana (the one I think of as 4th) . I had a horrible experience of insomnia last time I tired to ignore it so I sat up and meditated, don't know how long for.

I quickly felt quite strong tingling in forehead and pressure all around the top of my head. Molten feeling of energy in stomach. The visual image of my body that helps create the sense of self was very weak or non existent. 'Self' seemed to comprise body sensations - energy, pressure where in contact with other surfaces and thoughts. Sometimes felt a vague impression all this was arising in a larger space. Whooshing in head, build up to fruition then drop out just before, left in a strange jhana/state with very little going on. Got a few fruitions, strong sense they are more a side effect than something to aim for. Energy build up in body, especially strong in the legs, then shoots upwards.
Went to sleep, slept quite well after all that.

" Whooshing in head, build up to fruition then drop out just before, left in a strange jhana/state with very little going on. "

Hi Nicole,

Glad my experiences are helpful for others.

I think I;ll be avidly reading your updates too. It's good to share our experiences and see how we are goin g through similar territory. It helps me, at least, think this is quite normal to go through. Hehe!

Something you wrote sounds awfully a lot like what I was so curious about in this thread I started:

bit.ly/ctCO3Y


I found I was able to get into a strange jhana like state by dwelling in the build up of energy at the crown just before a fruition, postponing the fruition in the act. Then when I was in that state, which was extremely unique, further fruitions made it stronger. Maybe it is the same experience you are having there. Cool!

Hi Nikolai,

I remember reading that thread, and to be honest I hadn't linked it to my experience at all I assumed it was a later jhana as I've not mapped them out past 4, but going back and reading it now what you wrote sounds familar.

"This state or mental absorbtion is accessed by willing the mind to be enveloped in the slight build up of sensations/energy at the crown of the head just before a fruition occurs. The mind gets enveloped in it and feels like it is stuck in one spot. No thoughts fly by unless one intentionally wills a thought. It can be held for an indefinite time and the cycles keep occurring in it. When a fruition occurs while I am in this absorbtion the absorbtion gets stronger."

To me it feels like the mind is on a solid ledge somehow, I actually did intentionally will thoughts last time to see if I could, and they did come but just seemed utterly irrelevant to the situation.

30 min, didn't try to get into jhana before starting.
Two 'jhana flashes' in quick succession. Quickly the tone feels unpleasant discordant and chaotic, lights flash, body sensations pulse in waves 2/sec, auditory pulses with it and hissing in background. Feeling of pressure inside skull, headache feeling develops all along top and back of head. Strong fear energy in stomach and disgust in face and throat. Desire to stop sit/get out of here. Some violent visual images. Slight tingling in forehead. Tried to accept and watch all this, sensations slightly smoother toward the end. Experienced one energy surge, and build up to fruition dumped me in the strange jhana again. Eventually one fruition, I think because I wanted it.

Didn't plan this next one, but I was sitting at my computer and started feeling shivers down my back though it wasn't cold. Took it as a sign to sit.
Focused on breath. Dissolving cool shivers kept running down my back. Strong burning energy at heart, seemed to be affected by my breath - flared up everytime I breathed out. If the stomach feeling was fear then this was love but tinged with sadness/compassion. Energy spreads to throat
Feel calm, peaceful spacious, very different from the last sit. Forehead tingles a bit. Surge of energy up the spine causing back to straighten, fruition at the exact same time, don't think I've had that before. Dissolving feeling spreads to front of body.

Some things I've noticed about my thoughts. I'm finding looking into them very interesting.


Most memories come as images.
Emotionally charged memories include body sensations too.

intention/desire - I always picture myself and imagine the body sensations of an action eg getting up. Also certain body sensations bring up memories from when I was younger that relate to them. For instance I was slouching around feeling a bit useless and in the way, and an image came up of my 10 year old self feeling the same way. I think this is part of how the brain creates a self image, in that moment it felt very strongly like THAT WAS ME.

Most of my verbal thinking is discourse or dialogue, either me pontificating or talking to an imaginary person.

When I hear a noise e.g of a car there is always a corresponding image. Likewise when I think 'sitting' or 'walking' there is always an image of myself that flashes up.

I haven't been keeping very good notes this past week, though I have been practicing the 4 foundations of mindfulness meditation.

At first the constant labelling felt quite clunky and uncomfortable, and it still feels a bit that way though I've gotten more used to it. It is much harder to notice jhanas this way as the attention keeps shifting about, though I am vaguegly aware of them on the periphery.

I get to a point where the labelling gets really fast, and then the words start to turn into meaningless babbling. Not sure about the best thing to do here, but at the moment I switch to silent noting, and if I start getting lost in thought I revert to the labelling.

sit 1 hour
Verbal noting, nothing much going on. After a while start to feel the whole body as a field of energy. This leads to energy surges that cause my back to straighten and arch back for a few seconds. Then it go back to neutral and the pattern keeps repeating for the remainder of the sit.

sit 45mins
Verbal noting. Nothing much happening. After a while I start to notice more subtle thoughts, desires for certain states/sensations, commentary on the meditation, streams of images, first from my life and things I've been watching, and then seemingly more random pictures. Keep getting into strange thought loops where there is a gap in the thought stream, then I'll think 'theres a gap' or 'this is going well' then notice the thought, the thought will die or keep repeating like a stuck tape. Thoughts keep trying to find new ways to slip past unnoticed.

The last few sits have been very uneventful, I note for a while then become very calm and relaxed. Occasionally very subtle feelings of energy, I haven't had any surges or fruitions or chakra stuff for the last 4 or 5 sits.