My meditation log

I have been sitting daily for about 1 and half years, with intermittent practice for years before that. It feels like the true start of this journey (well, who really knows that?) began when I started to sit every day.

Today I sat for 45 minutes. (Saying the amount of time is helpful to me.)

Start with stretching my neck briefly, then into 4 Fs, but right away I am into a mixture of the 4 Fs. Pulsing, tingling, itching on right shoulder, remembering thoughts, anticipating thoughts, remembering thoughts, pleasant tone, itching unpleasant, pain in side of right hand unpleasant, pleasant, neutral, unpleasant, remembering thoughts, feel behind on seat, feels pleasant, pelvic floor awareness, pressure of pelvic floor into chair, pressure of feet into pillow, awareness of breathing, cool air inhale pleasant, cool air exhale pleasant, switching into bystander. It feels content. It feels happy. It feels amused. It feels peaceful. Remembering dream. Remembering thoughts. It remembers pet ct scan. It feels pelvic floor on chair. pleasant. sadness rising. anger rising. it feels rage. It remembers shrunken vagina. Imaging thoughts: it punches arm through glass. It cries. Crying crying crying. It shakes and cries. shaking shaking. God damn it. no fair no fair no fair. okay. It is calm. It cries. Calmness rising. Peaceful. It feels peaceful. pleasant. birds sing. it hears birds singing. itching on right breast. itching on left shoulder. It looks at clock. Judging thoughts. Mean thoughts. It feels restless. restlessness. peaceful, calmness, happiness, pleasantness, belly tight, its belly is loose, spine rising upward, back strong, belly tight, then loose. pleasant. peaceful. serene. grateful.

Nice, good style methinks...glad you posted.

'switching into bystander'...is that another way of saying 2nd gear/dwelling in witness?

Edit: Ok found Kenneths article!!

Excellent. Good practice technique, clear report. This way leads to freedom. Keep on keepin' on, PeonyIris.

Kenneth

Yes, bystander I think is another way of dwelling in witness. kenneth, is this correct?

45 minutes.

I started by stretching my neck left and right and then rolled back downward. Click click click go a few vertebrae. Pleasant. Then metta meditation. May I be safe and protected and free from inner and outer harm. May I be happy and peaceful. May I be healthy and whole. And may I experience ease of wellbeing. Several minutes of this practice and then switching to four foundations, but not one at a time. Judging thoughts. Regretful thoughts. Full of regret. Disappointment. Sadness. Futurizing thoughts, unpleasantness, itching right foot, breathing shallow, pressure, regretfulness, disappointment, shallow breathing, pulsing hands and fingers. Crying with subtle shaking of chest. Deeper breathing. More crying. Chest heavy. Disappointment, sadness,confusion, heart pounding. Resting. Calmness. Anger. Far away anger. Small little angry imaging. Crying. Wet face. Wet eyes. Sticky eyes. Wetness. Dripping tears. Tear on chin. Nose almost running from left nostril. It wipes nose. Wet sticky eyes. It feel confusion. It is calm. Pleasant. Unpleasant. Anticipating thoughts. Futurizing thoughts. Unpleasantness. Pleasantness. Awareness of breathing. Breathing in and breathing out for a period of time. Open eyes. Eyes are sticky. Birds singing. Many birds singing. Shadows on leaves. Leaves moving in wind. Close eyes. Pulsing hands and fingers. Birds singing. Curious thoughts. Breathing in. Breathing out. Breathing in. Breathing out. Breathing in. Breathing out. Breathing in. Breathing out. Breathing in. Breathing out, etc. Burbing around 4 times. Pleasant. Peaceful. Discontent feeling alternating with sense of peace. Like the two are merging into one another.

www.buddhistgeeks.com/2010/03/the-yogi-t...vestigating-reality/

gives it all in detail!

Thanks for posting the link, sparqi.

PeonyIris, the bystander and the witness are not the same. The bystander is a 1st Gear practice, meaning that it looks at the objects that arise in the mind. The witness is a 2nd Gear practice, meaning that it looks at the subject, or the supposed knower of this experience. Eventually, these distinctions will be seen as unnecessary, as all of experience is integrated into a seamless whole in which subject, object, and awareness can be distinguished but never separated. But for the purposes of exploring the mind and systematically getting free of "ignorance," as the Buddhists would say, it's very useful to look at each Gear separately.

1st Gear looks at objects.
2nd Gear looks at the subject.
3rd Gear recognizes awareness as awareness.

Thank Kenneth and sparqi.

At meditation center. 10 minutes walking, 30/35 minutes of sitting, 10 minutes walking, 20 minutes sitting, 15 minutes chanting.

Stepped barefoot into the space onto cool wooden floor holding right hand wrapped over left. Pleasant indeed. Walking meditation all about peeling the foot off the floor and swinging one leg after another forward. A/c blowing on bare legs. Pleasant. Left heel presses into floor, movement through the foot to the toes, toes peel off, right toes peel, right leg swings through, right heel begins the process again. It moves. It is balanced, floor cool, feet cool, pleasant, continuing on until moving, floating, moving, love it, stepping, moving, stepping, stepping. Sound of stick. Walk to chair. Sit. Today I will not set an intention. No plan for 4 foundations. do whatever. Sniffling to the right. unpleasant. quiet. Coughing to the right. annoying. quiet. Sniffling. Sniffling. Coughing to the right. Neutral. Interesting. Let go. Let go of those sounds. Coolness. A/C blowing. Pleasant. Breathing in. Breathing out. Breathing in. Spine rises upward. Pleasant. Proud. Pleased. No anger. hmmmm? Breathing out. Breathing in. Sniffling right. Pleasantness. Breathing out. Breathing in. Breathing out. Breathing in. Breathing out. Planning thoughts. Anticipation thoughts. calmness. peacefulness. heat. sweat. Take off outer shirt. No dont. Notice heat. Sweating on neck. Planning thoughts. Wow. Planning thoughts taking off. Okay. back to noticing. smell of incense. neutral. etc. GONG. walking meditation. Stepping without dividing up the the stepping into pieces. Step. Step. Step. Step. Swing. Step. Swing. a/c blows on legs. Delicious. etc. Sound of stick. Go to seat. Chant for fifteen minutes. What the hell does this stuff mean? Unpleasant. (It's an english translation). Oh, better, this makes sense.

45 minutes. Calm. Breathing in and out. Calm. Peaceful. Softness. Whack: regret, confusion, confusion, mixed up, regret, rage. Imaging thoughts: stomping, jumping, raging, head through glass, body through glass, sit on glass, feet through glass. Judging thoughts. Imaging thoughts: its body is split in half; it feels revulsion; flowers spring up from guts; pleasant. Confusion, confusion, sorrow, mixed up, crying, crying, confusion, crying crying, confusion. Restless. Want to stop. Want to stop sitting. It sits. It feels confused. It feel rage. It feels confused. It feels mixed up. Birds sing. Pleasant. Feet itch. Rub feet together. Open eyes. Birds sing. It lifts arms overhead. It stretches. It places hands back in lap. Restlessness. It close eyes. It feels proud. It feels calm. It feels sad. It feels pleased. Breathing in and out. Breathing in and out. It sits. It slumps. It curves over. It sits tall with strong back. It rests. It sits.

Roughly 40 minutes. Less or more not sure. Sitting on reclining chair with feet up at 5am. Check in with sensations. Pulsing. Heavyness. Pressure. Etc. Who am I? I don't know. (repeated this awhile) Who am I? Liquid, water, cells. I am Peony. Am I? Who is Peony? Peony is a 55 year old body: a woman, a container for liquid, water, cells, matter. Peony is a heart. Peony has a heart. Peony walks and talks and moves around. Peony is a name for matter. Who am I? I really do not know. I don't want to play a game here. Like make believe that I think that I am not real when I believe I am real. Peony believes that she is real even though Peony does not know who she really is. There is an idea, a notion, that there is a woman named Peony, who is a big heart and is overflowing love. Peony, the entity called peony battles negativity, depression. Who am I? Not sure. Don't know.

Who am I?

Who's askin'?

I.

Yeah, but who am "I"?

I am I.

Who am I?

I, I.

Who knows about "I"?

Who am I?" Don't try to answer it with trivialities like "I am Joe," etc. The question is just a pointer to get you to notice who it is that seems to be having this experience." .....OKAY. I CAN TRY THIS.
You don't need to debunk the Witness. This is a self-debunking practice; all you have to do is become absorbed into this sensation of "I, I" and enjoy it. OKAY. MAYBE IF I FOCUS ON THE SENSATION OF I, SOME OF THIS MAY MAKE SENSE. You will find that it is very enjoyable indeed, as this apparent "I" has no stake in anything that goes on; it is just an impassive witness REALLY????. Continue to become ever-more-deeply absorbed into this sense of "I", understanding that someday it will dissolve of its own accord FOR SURE?, leaving only pure, non-local awareness. ...

One of the things I most want to communicate to people is that ...the "witness" is a clear, discreet, recognizable, and reproducible state that can be mastered with practice. Once mastered, it becomes one of the most empowering tools in a yogi's toolbox.

The instruction of focusing on the sensation of I seems the way to go. Otherwise it is terribly confusing. I will give this a whirl.

May 5th sit. 42 minutes. Head throbbing. Unpleasant. Nose dripping. Unpleasant. Occasional sneezing. Unpleasant. Pressure between eyes. Unpleasant . Pressure elsewhere. Neutral. Who am I? I don't know and something about this question feels unpleasant. Crying. Sadness. Crying. Anger. Crying harder. Pleasant. Neutral. Sad, pleasant. Who am I? Anger rising. What the hell is going on. What on earth is this all about. Rage. Hating Kenneth. Unpleasant. What is he talking about. What is all this about. What the hell. Imaging. Stamping feet. Pounding feet. Take off in flight. Fly out the window, unstairs to imaginary place. Fly back through window and back to porch where I am 'really' sitting. Pleasant. Hating everyone. Hating all people who meditate. Hating everyeone everywhere. This feels like sh-t. Lots of raging, dripping nose, blowing nose, head hurting, unpleasant. Then calming. Okay. Fine. Who am I? do not need an answer. I am not going to try and answer. I am going to ask the question and sit. Who am I? Breathing in and out. Peaceful. Who am I? no need to answer. Just sit here with the question. Who am I? Pressure on pillow on floor. Calmness. Birds singing. Who am I? no need to answer. Relaxed belly. Who am I?

"Who am I? Pressure on pillow on floor. "

Yep.

40 minutes. Sat down and began Who am I? Pressure of rubber soles of shoes on pillow on floor. Half stuffed nose. Breathing through mouth. Gravelly throat unpleasant. Dry mouth. Dry lips neutral. Easy belly. Who am I? Slight head ache on left side of head. Hot chest. Hot arms. Hotness unpleasant. Easy belly pleasant. Anticipatory thoughts. Remembering thoughts. Remembering thoughts. Anticipation thoughts. Judging thoughts. Who am I? Peaceful. Restful. Calm pleasant. Who am I? What is underneathe? Easy belly. Pressure. Pelvic floor on chair pleasant. Pulsing fingers. Tightness in chest unpleasant. Remembering thoughts. Imaging thoughts of faces. Who am I? Color field of teal blue and green flashing pleasant. Sinking deeper deep calm pleasant. Who am I? Sparkling jewel like color field behind eyes pleasant. Soft belly pleasant. Who am I? Where am I? Imaging thoughts big toad judging thoughts so sweet love toads pleasant. Who am I? Peaceful. Calm. Deep down under under far away light body lightness pleasant.