Brian Ananda's Journal

As per Kenneth's recommendation, I'm making a thread for my practice journal...

Friday 06/11/2010

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I tried the Mahasi style to no avail. In 30 minutes I did not slip into anything even close to concentration. I think I am pent up with anxiety over the fact that I will be reporting my experiences to someone now.

Saturday 06/12/2010

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Same things as yesterday. For the past 2-3 months I've done nothing but Anapanasati and I'm having a hard time focusing on the abdomen. I did manage to get a momentary concentration but it lasted only seconds and happened only 3 or 4 times.

I tried the investigation techniques without concentration. The majority of what I have noted is my anxiety over not being able to concentrate. I was attaining access concentration on a semi-regular basis a few weeks ago and it now seems like I'm back to square one.

I have had some luck with taking a break from investigation and focusing on the breath and just trying to be peaceful. No goals, no searching, just trying to be aware of the breath...right here, right now. If I could somehow maintain this level of a calm & settled mind and begin my investigation techniques. I will try this tomorrow.

Hey Brian. Don't sweat it--work dillegently--but understand it takes some time to get the hang of a new method... Best wishes...

Sunday 06/13/2010

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I finally was able to make some progress and get my mind settled a bit. It isn't that I finally found a way to stick to watching the abdomen; I simply focused on the breath & when my mind was calm I slowly shifted my focus down to my stomach. It is difficult to explain, but my focus never went compltely away from the nostrils. It more less stayed there while incorporating the rise and fall of the abdomen.

I began investigating body sensations. An itch here, pressure at the seat of my bench. I did notice tingling in the face a lot--next to my nose & below my eye. However, when Kenneth was figuring out where I stood during our first face-to-face, he asked if I was feeling such sensations. I'm not sure if I'm noticing the sensations because he brought it up or if it true confirmation as to where I am with my (very little) progress.

I catch myself evaluating how well I am doing as compared to things I've read. I've done a lot of reading & I think it might be best if I just stop for a while (at least on meditation instruction). I've read how some meditation instructors don't let their students read dhamma books or lsiten to lectures until they hit a certain point of progress. Now I completely understand why...you start worrying about youir progress and constantly compare what you are feeling now to what you think you should be feeling. This seriously hinders one's ability to stay in the moment.

Although I don't think I am incorporating all four foundations of mindfulness as Kenneth instructed, I am doing my best. I stick to bodily sensations, label stray thoughts as past/future/scenario/images, and note feelings (thought 98% there is no noticeable feeling involved). The only feeling that came up was toward the end of practice. I was irritated by someone making a lot of noise.

Monday 06/14/2010

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FINALLY! For the first time in a week I was able to achieve access concentration (or something very close to it). I eased up on the investigation, not forcing it. I focused on the breath--a combination of the nostrils and the abdomen--and only shifted my focus when a thought, feeling, or bodily sensation was more noticeable than the breath. Although there were a lot less investigative thoughts, I felt like they were more thorough. The only sensation out of the ordinary was a light pressure across my face above and below my eyes. It didn't come and go; it stayed for quite some time...5 or 6 mins, then 2 or 3 minutes again later in the sitting.

I get so tried of hearing about "effortless effort" and "there is nothing to attain" from hippies that like to toss around Buddhist terminology, but I do seem to do better when I focus on jus being peaceful and letting things come to me rather than searching or striving towards something.

I was extra diligent in my efforts to be mindful today at work. My job doesn't require much human interaction, so I able to keep it up so long as I can remember. This really helped me control my mind and keep focus during the sitting. Particularly when thoughts of self-evaluation came up. Only once or twice did a thought of judging myself on "where I am" vs. "where I should be come" up.

Tuesday 06/15/2010

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Only had time for a short 15 min. meditation only. I was the timekeeper at the meditation group tonight so I didn't get to do much prolonged sitting. I made an attempt to be mindful, but there was practically no concentration involved.

Wednesday 06/16/2010

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It seems to be hit or miss lately & today was another miss. The Four Foundation of Mindfulness assignment has rid my practice of torpor, but introduced new problems. Since I'm actually doing something now, I don't get so sleepy anymore. However, I have a difficult time concentrating. My insight practice has definitely gone forward (not hard since it was non-existent before), but my concentration is really hit or miss...with few hits and a lot of misses.

Given, today was a bit stressful and though my body was relaxed, my mind felt tight & refused to relax. With my body, I can pinpoint the location & apply awareness and it will relax. However, there was no "place" to focus that awareness since it was my general mood or mindset that was the problem.

If I could get back to where I was before & hit access concentration at most every sitting I might be able to make some progress with the sitting practice.

I doubt that you've regressed, Brian. More likely, you've moved beyond your plateau and are now into a phase of practice that is characterized by less tranquility and more unpleasant sensations. This too shall pass, so keep up the good work. Talk to you tomorrow.

Kenneth

One of the things that has always helped me with vipassana, helped me to not be too hard on myself or the practice is to remember that the practice is to gently note our present experience -- whatever that is. So, seriously, you can NEVER do it wrong. An entire sit could be "not sure now to do it," "frustrated," "tight," "tight," "lost in thought" ... "angry for getting lost in thought" ... "itch" .... "itch" .... "itch" .... "thinking I'm doing it wrong" .... "feeling lost" ... "tickle" .... "tickle" .... "itch" ... "lost in thought" ... "thinking this is stupid" .... "wondering what the point of this is" ... "itch" .... "cold"
as long as what you are noting is your actual experience right then -- then you are doing it perfectly. This forces one to begin to really "look at," rather than "look for." To look at one's actual experience rather than looking for some idea of what meditation or insight should be.

Are you pre or post A&P?

Oh, and after doing zen off and on for years at home and at zendos and retreats, the thing I most love about vipassana is that we do get to "do something." For me it was like pretending -- of COURSE I was sitting to get something or somewhere and it always felt silly to sit with "no gaining idea." (I'm not trying to damn all of soto zen here, it's how things seem to work for me)

No worries. Due to the nature of my work, I tend to be very analytical. I'm not beating myself up; I just call it as I see it.

See you this afternoon.

Thanks for the advice on noting the present experience, even if it is "feeling agitated about feeling agitated". Kenneth reminded me today that "good meditation" does not always equate to "pleasant meditation".

I have similar feelings on Zen. Too many people get trapped in cliches such as "effortless effort" and "there is nothing to attain" and inevitably lose direction--if they don't drown themselves in the concept of emptiness first. I'm sure that it works for some people, but I have yet to meet anyone in person that has made even a slight amount of progress with zazen. The traditional satipatthāna method, particularly with the Mahasi Sayadaw method (breath can be to subtle to follow at times), works best for most Average-Joe Americans, IMHO.

As for pre- or post- A&P... you'd have to tell me what the acronym stands for. I'm new to this site & I'm not hip to the lingo just yet.

With metta,
Brian Ānanda

In the three pillars of Zen Yasutani Roshi recommends developing concentration first by counting breaths and eventually moving onto either Koan practice of Shikantaza. I found this combination worked well. Starting out without developing concentration first may be part of the problem.

"Thanks for the advice on noting the present experience, even if it is "feeling agitated about feeling agitated". Kenneth reminded me today that "good meditation" does not always equate to "pleasant meditation".

I have similar feelings on Zen. Too many people get trapped in cliches such as "effortless effort" and "there is nothing to attain" and inevitably lose direction--if they don't drown themselves in the concept of emptiness first. I'm sure that it works for some people, but I have yet to meet anyone in person that has made even a slight amount of progress with zazen. The traditional satipatthāna method, particularly with the Mahasi Sayadaw method (breath can be to subtle to follow at times), works best for most Average-Joe Americans, IMHO.

As for pre- or post- A&P... you'd have to tell me what the acronym stands for. I'm new to this site & I'm not hip to the lingo just yet.

With metta,
Brian Ānanda"

OK -- go to the box on the upper left part of the page and click on "first gear" and then scroll down and choose "progress of insight." there you will see the "maps" of developmental insight.

I meant no offense towards Zen, if that is how you've taken it. I apologize if I offended you. However, if you've been able to *truly* progress you'd be the first layman I've ever heard claim such a thing first-hand. Zen certainly works for some. If it didn't it would not have lasted this long. However, I think it doesn't work well for the demeanor of most Americans. The popularity in the west has more to do with attraction to mysticism than results-oriented methodology. I think the abundance of Chinese and Japanese calligraphy tattoos could be used as a good simile.

As for your analysis, I couldn't agree more...

Yes, just about all practices recommend developing concentration first--many to the level of jhana. And yes, doing what I call "dry vipassana" prior to entering access concentration most definitely is what is causing my agitation. However, Kenneth noted that the level I'm at is always characterized by agitation and little concentration can be attained prior to making the leap in progress.

I've put my faith in Kenneth & I don't think he'll steer me wrong. If anyone can guide me to achievement, he is certainly the one.

"I meant no offense towards Zen, if that is how you've taken it. I apologize if I offended you. However, if you've been able to *truly* progress you'd be the first layman I've ever heard claim such a thing first-hand. Zen certainly works for some. If it didn't it would not have lasted this long. However, I think it doesn't work well for the demeanor of most Americans. The popularity in the west has more to do with attraction to mysticism than results-oriented methodology. I think the abundance of Chinese and Japanese calligraphy tattoos could be used as a good simile.

As for your analysis, I couldn't agree more...

Yes, just about all practices recommend developing concentration first--many to the level of jhana. And yes, doing what I call "dry vipassana" prior to entering access concentration most definitely is what is causing my agitation. However, Kenneth noted that the level I'm at is always characterized by agitation and little concentration can be attained prior to making the leap in progress.

I've put my faith in Kenneth & I don't think he'll steer me wrong. If anyone can guide me to achievement, he is certainly the one.

"

I'm not sure who you meant here but you certainly didn't offend me

I was afraid I might have offended mumuwu... (see post above)

I looked over the page you directed me to. I now presume that A&P is the landmark insight of "Arising & Passing Away" of phenomena? Have you passed this landmark? If so, how difficult was it to achieve?

Brian Ānanda

Beautifully stated. Zen certainly has all of the cultural trappings that can be very fun to imitate (I, for example, drink Matcha regularly) but really don't help. I believe a lot of people like the atmosphere of Zen more than actually using it as a tool to progress.

In terms of making progress, I think someone like Kenneth is a great help. I certainly would not have near the hope for my own practice as I do now,

This is JMHO, but Zen has huge benefits, well developed practices and is attractive for those reasons, too. It ain't all tatoos, incense and kimonos. I think beginning practitioners struggle with it because yes, the nature of Zen is not "doing." If you relate better to doing then use vipassana. I know some very, very accomplished Zen practitioners who have finished the whole thing. So it can't be all that bad, can it? And if you want some unbelievably exquisite descriptions of awakening, being awake, what it takes to get there, what the view is from there, you could do a lot worse than to look to Zen. I say Dogen. Read Dogen and shed a tear or three over how achingly beautiful THIS can be.

And remember, you are using vipassana to get to the same place those Zen people go

"
This is JMHO, but Zen has huge benefits, well developed practices and is attractive for those reasons, too. It ain't all tatoos, incense and kimonos. I think beginning practitioners struggle with it because yes, the nature of Zen is not "doing." If you relate better to doing then use vipassana. I know some very, very accomplished Zen practitioners who have finished the whole thing. So it can't be all that bad, can it? And if you want some unbelievably exquisite descriptions of awakening, being awake, what it takes to get there, what the view is from there, you could do a lot worse than to look to Zen. I say Dogen. Read Dogen and shed a tear or three over how achingly beautiful THIS can be.

And remember, you are using vipassana to get to the same place those Zen people go

"

I think that if you are drawn here, or DhO -- basically to results-driven practice -- the benefits of Zen would be kind of elusive until you have at least achieved stream entry. Similarly Dogen. Looking forward to shedding a few tears....later.

I'm drawn to this forum for the same reasons you are, Tom. Yet I've been reading about and admiring Zen for years, long before and after I found MCTB. Of course, I'm just a cockeyed romantic

"
I'm drawn to this forum for the same reasons you are, Tom. Yet I've been reading about and admiring Zen for years, long before and after I found MCTB. Of course, I'm just a cockeyed romantic

"

Oh, I totally agree with you. Check out my profile...I was doing Zen on my own (whatever that means!) before MCTB. Three Pillars was really influential to me. But there is this huge veil drawn over the timeline between one's first sit and kensho. Romantic. Enigmatic. Totally impractical. As you say, we end up in the same place. I would rather get there sooner and enjoy it longer, and then relish in and explore what the other traditions have to offer.

I'm just a cockeyed hacker.

"I was afraid I might have offended mumuwu... (see post above)

I looked over the page you directed me to. I now presume that A&P is the landmark insight of "Arising & Passing Away" of phenomena? Have you passed this landmark? If so, how difficult was it to achieve?

Brian Ānanda"

From mid-70s to the 2000s I would get involved in various intense meditation/spiritual practices from anywhere from a day to several years at a time. I mostly didnt know what I was doing and wasn't aware of any "maps."But I had a lot of experiences that looking back were probably A&P events. Interestingly, my most significant insights were acheived while reading and trying to practice the teachings of Krishnamurti which didn't involve formal sitting at all, but for me was a practice of completely open and -- often --- continuous awareness. I lot of what I learned then is being used now.
Anyway, April 2009 I decided to work on vipassana and in August I promised myself that I would stick to the practice for a year -- no matter what. By october Imy sits were dominated by lots of shaking, energy surges up the spine, neck twisting, involuntary shouts, etc. This went on for four or five weeks and then one day I was meditating in my van pool and I was compelled to focus on a large spot in the middle of my chest. I did that and then felt this incredible calm and unity with everything around me. It was very subtle, but real. It didn't last long but after that the intense shaking, etc. stopped for the most part and, my awareness changed to become way more expansive and open. Then, from then on I began to experience vibrations which I think is often considered a sign of crossing the a&p.
So, I'm not sure if that was my first crossing or not.
Hard to achieve? Not exactly, I just noted, that is it. For me, when I begin I may not be aware of bare sensations but each note seems to uncover more

Krishnamurti was the first serious big deal for me as well. I came across him (and Ajahn Chah) through Sam Harris.