sparqis logs2

Previous logs: kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/3886748/sparqis+logs

Thought I'd start a new log as Im back on the horse and seem to have upped some kind of level in my samatha practice.

Today, sat with kasina for over an hour and a half as fortuitously I messed up setting my timer.
Seemed to get to the level where I could examine at ease whatever took my visual fancy at different attention widths, from one visible dot to the entire visual field, and could pause at particular overall visual effects if I chose. It seemed I could increase effort level without discomfort, it became a variable I could manipulate. I felt I could surrender to the experience better once I realised that what I had considered 'real' about the visual field was just dependent on the condition of 'concentration', the flesh eyes, purpose etc. So aversions to following what the flesh eyes tended to during the moment despite judgements that it led to unfocusedness, saturation etc could be dropped. Consequently felt a big 'build up' of something which was felt as my bodies musclature tensing strongly and shaking. I managed to just witness it whilst maintaining the anchor of the kasina. Another thing I remember noticing was that at some 'phase' of focus and wide attention width, the pointilism 'layer' (which generally seems to drift about as if a seperate layer) merged with the colour and form layer. Another piece was observing the preverbal 'time concern' prompts arriving. They seemed to distort the visual field 'out there' and to the left...seemed somehow 3d.

Much happened generally.

My feeling about this 'new level' of concentration is that it has a power-up effect. After I stopped sitting I did metta as felt recitation to myself and friends and family and felt a great deal of joy welling up....nice to know!! Metta is powerful mojo!!

"My feeling about this 'new level' of concentration is that it has a power-up effect. After I stopped sitting I did metta as felt recitation to myself and friends and family and felt a great deal of joy welling up....nice to know!! Metta is powerful mojo!!"

Very nice report. I am looking forward to strengthening my samatha practice like this.

Have been sitting over 3hours a day for the last 4/5 days. Since my last post have been getting to that new level of concentration every day more or less, maybe sometimes harder/softer. Iam mixing investigation of pointilism and feeling sensation with the samatha.
Ive been attempting to perceive a pattern in what happens when I sit. Essentially to discern some cycling (up to the level I have access) as this seems from reading around on this forum not a post path only occurence.

Kenneth wrote on Rons journal essentially:
1st jhana. You'll feel the tight focus of mind on your meditation object(s). Mind sticks to object. You will feel quiet exhilaration. If you want to go deeper into concentration at this frequency, steep in the pleasant sensations of the jhana like a tea bag. You'll go deeper.
2nd jhana. Mind soaks into object. Corresponds to A&P. Deep joy. Gently rising energy. Room appears brighter, even with eyes closed. Steep and go deeper.
3rd jhana. Diffuse focus of mind, coolness on the skin, chilled out bliss. Steep.
4th jhana. Focus gently zooms out to include the whole environment and the objects within it. Equanimity. Flow of experience. Good balance of concentration and vipassana. Steep.

I hesitate to say but it seems I have access to all these jhana. I seem to recognise them. This is probably an abject lesson in scripting and the perils of self-diagnosis. But from my intense zen days I recognise the insight knowledges up to before A&P. Although previously framed and practiced out of 'chakra work' I experienced a big (for me!) heart chakra opening, and this was literally radiating (from the heart) cool kinaesthetic light and joy for several days, this could also be interpreted through the insight frame as an A&P.

Even early on during my samatha practice here Ive touched upon what I called the 'radiating body' experience, usually accompanied by joy in various intensities. In the last couple of days Ive touched it twice with a sense of the room being brighter below and (as I describe it) the sensorium being more of sense 'expression' (i.e. radiated) rather than sense 'impression' (sensations 'impressed' upon the sensorium). It is possible, it seems that I have glimpsed something like low equanimity, as what sparked again my interest in Buddhism and finding this site was a 'unitive' experience of the sensorium where the little self was seen, that struggle was just my right hand struggling with my left hand, and I had a sense that dawn had finally cracked on what I had described as my 12 year darknight (before I saw this term used by Daniel and Kenneth or knew about the darknight nanas) initiated from an entirely different path to vipassana. This is after specific experiences which could be seen as acceptance of disgust & misery. And God knows Ive felt a desire for deliverance, although had accepted that its not going to happen but for my own finding a way out of the labryinth.

On the other hand Ive little formal vipassana...little explicit experience of vibrations, and I cant remember or havent seen dissolution...I dont think.

Anyway, time to meet Kenneth in person methinks, to put these delusions of grandeur to rest, and hone what is suitable practice for where Im at.

Since last report have been daily sitting for ~3hrs, morning, late afternoon and late evening.
Intent: 1.5hrs, maximise prominence of the sensation aggregate of kasina within awareness. Resolved to see the highest jhana, if any, I can access.

On sitting, felt rooted at base and temples open. Eyes were involuntarily flicking, visual field saturated and desaturated for a while, purple pointilist sparkles coming and going. At times flicking, settled to smooth and kasina smoothly drifted this way and that. Genitals started kinaesthetically buzzing. At about 20mins in, it seemed the kinaesthetic radiating kicked in and seemed to radiate to about 4ft in front of me. Lower half of the visual field perceptibly brightened. Still tunnel visioned on kasina, and steady/smooth. Cannot remember feeling anything particularly within the central channel. After awhile began feeling coolness about/within my earlobes. Remember seeming to feel again the kinaesthetic radiating and brightening. Seemed to switch between the two a number of times. At some point sounds became noticed. Close to the 45min mark began feeling fed up, and thinking about time, this marks the build up of tension from the perinaeum up to crown, much tension, hard to bear...I lean forward from the cushion and seemingly to better take the tension. It seems when I reach this stage this tension can be lost by losing focus on the kasina, or moving legs on cushion etc, and the buildup is disipated and I fall back into kinaesthetic radiating/brightening phase. This buildup and loss of tension happened 3 times...On the third time I lost it and rose from the cushion. 58mins. If I 'get through' the buildup phase, its easy to steep through to the 1.5hrs.
cont..

On previous meditations when I 'get through' to my 'new level' of concentration, the buildup is either not as intense or I get through it. This evening seemed stronger than usual. It seems usually to be less intense in the mornings.

This is pretty much the general story of my samatha sessions. Sometimes the kinaesthetic component is more prominent and qualities are smooth, lubricated, honey-like, clean...I observed sometimes the origin begins at the root, and sometimes fancy as one seems to rise, the origin of the feeling is somewhere higher, like the A&P like experiences are initiated from the chest area...other times these feeling qualities seem to initiate within the head...

Afternoon: Intent 1hr Samatha..maximise prominence of kasina etc
Once sat, immediately eyes smooth without flicking. But a tremendous effort to concentrate on kasina. A touch distressing thoughts were ruling awareness. Felt little desire/impetus to go against the flow, attempted a few times, but quickly drifted with the anxious thoughts. This was different from previous samatha meditations. Decided to investigate the difference. There was vague uneasiness, urges to get off the cushion and almost quit less than 30mins in. Started noteing, and got to sensations which needed new names...bubbling, nervousness, flutter, wobbling, queasy and so on, first noticed in the solar plexus and then in the chest. Head was stuffy, dry. Scanned these areas and noted what I found there. Noticed the urges (usually visual images of myself actually getting off the cushion, they also have an unpleasant/anxiety like feeling component) to get off the cushion didnt pop up. When I presumably got distracted from examining the somatic sensations, and perhaps get distracted again in a thought, these urges occur unnoticed and I feel frustration, if I catch myself before actually getting off the cushion. Strong intention to sit for the hour helps to catch oneself. Continued to observe the somatic/energetic sensations about the chest and solar plexus, had a slightly compressed/dry component when compared with other somatic sensations. They became more plasmatic in movement and drifted up to the throat. Very tempted to palpitate the upper chest with rapid dog pant like breathe to help it on its way...not sure if in the long run this'd be remedial or hindering of the overall process. Observed for a while longer after time up, curious to see what whould happen, but missed an urge to get off the cushion and found myself doing so.

Although bust the intention to do samatha...a natural transition to feeling investigation leading to new interesting stuff. Good!!

evening(Fri): Hazey intent couldnt decide on specifics, decided to see what came up.
Scattered, investigated this & that superficially, concentrated on this & that superficially, bust out after 30 mins feeling frustrated at confusion and scatteredness.

Saturday...fell off the cusion...procrastinated, still couldnt settle on direction for meditation, went for walk concentrating on immobile, tight, flat, dull, dry sensation on chest & solar plexus. Noticed a general withdrawal of energy, it was tiring to walk.

Sunday Morning: Got back on cushion. Settled on Samatha feeling object(belly) & note-ing when catching distractions. Eyes closed. 1hour.
Generally scattered, irritated and frustrated. Noted uuuup, doowwwn, seeing, intent, uuuup, seeing, tension(in eyes) intent, uuuuup, discomfort, missed, shoulding, relaxing, remembered image, missed, scratch, remembered itch, fidget, discomfort and so on. Only managed brief episodes of barest concentration (recognised by constancy of feeling object in awareness). At the end swapped to visual object samatha to compare if a general scatteredness or a feeling specific scatteredness. It was much easier to concentrate.on a visual object. hmmmm, feeling objects are a different kettle of fish for me. Not even sure how to focus...rapid shuttling between 'feeling gate' and 'visual gate' especially when verbalising notes, seemingly giving rise to irritation, fidgeting etc. Need to see to verbalise/orient/feel comfortable perhaps.

Bust an earlier attempt at an hour at 45mins, similar story to above but more scattered, unsettled etc.

Sunday Afternoon: Same intention, 30mins.
Bust out after 15mins...began feeling angry at myself for not 'doing it right', and then remembered mpavoreals comment:

"At one point fell into heart and felt compassion for all the stuff from which disembedding."

and me thinking yes thats the attitude, even towards that which one is or was embedded....and of course realising that this was exactly the attitude I wasnt displaying...metta...then I got up excitedly and realised that Id just bust the meditation intent.... Amazing.... Im laughing now...but wasnt too pleased at the time...metta!

A few days ago after an afternoon nap I gently awoke into this 'new level' of 'concentration'. I noted that it had that kind of lucid dream state quality of shimmering spaciousness, like being underwater but much finer.
Last night 'lucid dreamed' with a heavy buzzy energetic hue. Just drifted around a room in a kind of paralysis of body and intent. There was a background of fear. Next dreamed about my mother. It was her birthday, and the background sense was these were her last days. I was chasing after her to wish her happy birthday. Found her lying on an escalator, I propped her up, and she said 'things get so quiet'. She strides on meaning to travel. I lose her and then find her again. Her arms had come off. She was sobbing 'no, no!'. Sorrow.

I had to wake up early, and hadnt slept well. I had noticed/remembered previously that whilst reclining I almost always do feeling object samatha by habit. Just never called it that before. And without the rapid shuttling between feeling and visual gates.

Also felt heavy pressure on chest seeming to correlate with the sense of energy withdrawing from my limbs..and thus this morning simple tasks felt tiring for lack of energy.

So I sat this morning 1hr samatha feeling objects, to try and detect difference between what happens whilst reclining and sitting and really examine this chest sensation.
Difficult to concentrate on chest, with rapid shuttling between feeling gate & visual gate. Realised that it was the eye flcking which brought attention back to the eyes. Rather than force the eyes still, after some experimentation I expanded the samatha target to be my entire trunk and head, and relaxed. Eye flicking became one sensation amongst many, and calmed a great deal. Samatha locus of awareness sunk down towards root while retaining diffuse focus on upper body. Felt pulse run down my spine from midway, and I became drowsy. From a lower centred locus of awareness near root could observe dreamy quality arise and then the images of dreaming arise within the visual field and sense of 'I'ness up there. I was able to verbalise note-ing 'dreaming', 'I'ness, 'drowsiness' etc at slow frequency. Light blissful feeling. Foot had become numb, and I rearranged my legs, and state was disrupted. Whilst within slight discomfort, eye flicking and efforting to return to previous samatha arrangement, ear lobes began glowing cool with seeming cool breeze on cheeks. Had forgotten to set buzzer, needed to go to loo. So ended there.

Late morning sit, 1hr, continuing previous.
Sitting with eyes closed, rapid involuntary eye movements. Rather than go straight for narrow feeling object focus, chose whole body as feeling object focus where the eye flicks and tensions are just part of it....slowly coaxed myself to this broader view. Eyes were still flickering, and I noted a lopsidedness and distortedness of the feeling body, the left side felt different to the right side, awareness of tingling in left cheek, but next to no sensation in the right cheek...experimented with feeling both knees, hips, shoulders, the central channel and then feeling planes through the head, basically in a feeling sense align things and notice where the lines seem distorted and lopsided to encourage symmetric-ising the feeling body. End result whilst sitting Burmese style felt very grounded on the cushion, strong, energised and stable, like a pyramid. Eye flicker at this point virtually entirely absent. It was if my locus of awareness had expanded larger than my body. From this vantage point focusing in on the upper sternum and throat, which were the prominent sensations, which most distorted the awareness bubble was like focusing down from the surface of the bubble. This felt great...alot of commentary and notice-ing this state in the hope that it'd groove in and so form a 'solid foundation' for feeling object samatha and vipassana in future. As I remembered being here before but had forgotten. Ended sit to much self-congratulation (which was noted!)...my mood is certainly on an upswing.

Speculation: Perhaps the eye flicker is somewhat due to underlying feeling of disorientation/imbalance/instability when sitting and eyes are closed. When reclining, the prominent feeling of the bed is strongly orienting/stabilising, so little to no eye flicker.

early afternoon sit, 1hr, continuing previous.
Sitting with eyes closed took extra time to settle, feel out the kinaesthetic scaffolding or 'training wheels' to encourage alignment/orientation/stability before samatha-ing a feeling object. The other element I noticed which engages the eyes and seems to increase flicker is moving to narrow focus, however if I adopt the bubble of awarenesses surface as the background which includes the crown and root, the seeming reflex adoption of a visual metaphor for focusing in the feeling sphere 'doesnt make sense' and the eyes and reflex are bypassed. Hinderance to concentration came from losing the background and falling back into the eyes. Focusing on the top of the sternum very briefly I felt a rapid trembling, but lost it quickly as the eyes got involved. By about half an hour the head and eyes felt relaxed and were barely noticed especially. The prominent sensation at top of sternum disappeared. My perinaeum soon began to vibrate at about 10hz, and this sensation spread out, to perhaps 5" diameter. It felt like a muscle rather than an energetic phenomenon. I attempted to discern the leading and trailing edge of each pulse, but became reluctant to concentrate here worrying it might overly stimulate kundalini rising....swapped to samathaing chest region....fairly quickly became very energetic and turbulent, as if there was a kinaesthetic sparkler in my chest, but I couldnt directly sense it, and there was no kinaesthetic heat or light sensations. Perhaps touching on an A&P type experience, but suggesting more powerful than before...I broke the meditation there as I dont want to over do it quite yet. This mode of focusing in the feeling realm seems powerful.

Spoke to Kenneth yesterday, he confirmed that I seem to have access to 4thJhana, so Im peaking at equanimity.
early pm: 1hr same samatha feeling jutsu.
Aligning and balancing the feeling body into the pyramid with the eyes relaxed, took along time. My legs felt numb and disconnected. When I felt both my shoulders and the flares of the hips, it felt like my legs and hips were displaced to the left (although my physical body didnt seem to be) The central channel felt like it had a wiggle in it. It seems like the feeling body gets detached and distorted somehow by my previous activities during the morning. By the end of the sit, alignment was back with eyes calm and the pyramid-like balance, strength, and yes exhiliration returned. Time was up before I could begin any serious samatha or investigation. Good medicine though as feel calm and balanced.

Nice!

I spoke with Kenneth yesterday as well. That's the leading edge of my practice (I work my way up to equanimity), but not where I am spending my time off the cushion. I'm quite enjoying getting more used to my inner life. Psychonauts!

mid-pm: 1hr feeling object samatha
Full of fidgeting and struggle, barely a minute where the selected focused feeling object was steady. Constantly shifting posture. Bust at 45 mins. Tough.

late-pm 1hr feeling object samatha
Resolved firmly to sit for the whole hour. Perhaps a couple of minutes where eyes relaxed and uninvolved and the feeling object was steady enough to potentially investigate, however prevaricated about investigating pricks on skin and twitches which not felt before, and width of focus of samatha on breathing. One marker for hitting the rough spot before 2ndJhana is that the legs and backside suddenly relax further. I became aware of the implied perspctive of down there in the feeling realm, spontaneously I followed back up towards the source and felt enormous tension in my upper back and neck, I spontaneously began silent screaming, writhing, stretching the upper back, neck and jaw, within an upswell of bodily tensions/'energy'...generating a lot of heat, I was sweating and tired out, I fluffed bearing the high tension and stretched out my numb legs...55mins.

Resolve to make better resolve and be clearer on exactly the parameters of what Im doing within a meditation otherwise it seems I drift off trying 'other stuff' which is probably in some way avoiding the high discomfort experience above.

Although it seems about 8 steps back from my kasina practice...and way more challenging..but releasing...clearly this is something I need to do to round and even out my practice between the sense gates.

"Spoke to Kenneth yesterday, he confirmed that I seem to have access to 4thJhana, so Im peaking at equanimity." Wow, you rock sparqi. You're knocking off the pre-reqs for path!

"felt enormous tension in my upper back and neck, I spontaneously began silent screaming, writhing, stretching the upper back, neck and jaw, within an upswell of bodily tensions/'energy'" Interesting how the physical releases seem intimately, maybe predictably, connected to meditation, but from the standpoint of meditation they seem irrelevant. Know what I mean?

hey mpavoreal!
"felt enormous tension in my upper back and neck, I spontaneously began silent screaming, writhing, stretching the upper back, neck and jaw, within an upswell of bodily tensions/'energy'" Interesting how the physical releases seem intimately, maybe predictably, connected to meditation, but from the standpoint of meditation they seem irrelevant. Know what I mean?"
To be honest I dont know what to think... I remember thinking at the time 'how the hell do I note this?'

Champion mind changer-> Remembered Jackson mentioning somewhere 'the door which leads to a door which leads to a door...'etc. Remembered Reichian method of 'unwinding the character'. Remembered Nicolai saying 'note! note!, sort the jhanas after path'. Remembered numerous times Kenneths guidance 'to note' all over this site...ummmm(ding! doubts, ding!, but...)...rather than perhaps somehow get around the eye flicking, perhaps adding another layer of cognitive habits...why not sit and just note it, as it appears etc. See if it unwinds itself more or less permanently...clearly Im embedded in my eyes, yet I think I know it..yet its still the habitual, lived case...Ive devised methods of getting around it...the kasina practice took off when I got around it...perhaps this was a false positive given how the feeling object practice is so hindered from it.

Early am, sat 1hrish note-ing, free-style note-ing, no anchor such as breath etc.
Interestingly reached A&P (upswelling of energy, joy and visual field brightening) twice and then silent screaming kicked in...perhaps this is indicative of ummm...KOF. Kenneth does mention several times that grimaces are associated with this nana...yet I felt no fear.

OK change of direction...free-style noteing for a while then feeling object samatha.

Also gratitude to RonCrouch posting his journal...I reread it last night.

This forum sangha is a treasure!

Didnt Buddha say something about that?

late am: 1hr free-form noting
This is getting interesting. Free-form noted for 30mins and then legs, perinaeum & pelvis relaxed, kept noting a couple of mins later sudden relatively violent but comfortable spine waves upwards...plenty of grimaces, shoulder rolls, jaw stretches etc Seemed to get to equanimity (although felt different from what Ive noted about it before, yet some similarities) with more movement in my neck, chin&head sank closer to my chest whilst the crown was pulled up, felt as if there was a firm straight rod sticking through my crown directly down into the perinaeum...sitting burmese style...this is the best posture Ive ever had. Really clean smooth, touch of bliss sensation in the central channel...then more spontaneous stretching and grimacing...with a background attitude of equanimity...1hr05.

brief notes of yesterdays practice:
early pm, 1hr free-style note-ing.
Overall heavy drowsiness & tired, note-ing sluggish, often petering out...remembering to note, and petering out again fairly rapidly, catching myself falling asleep. Often thoughts of 'this is pointless', 'try again in the morning when alert', however these were noted rather than carried out, remembering that Ive meditated whilst drowsy previously and it was rather pleasurable, rather than feeling like a 'drag'. It was more trying to force what I identified with 'good concentration', that span out these thoughts and felt like a drag, rather than being with the current 'strata of mind'.

Speculation: perhaps at base this was the 'desire for deliverance', i.e. get me off this cushion...may or may not be the case, either way aids objectification and curiosity of the state rather than actually getting off the cushion.

Late pm, 30mins free-style note-ing
Again, similar quality of concentration as above. Above speculation part of attitude, and just before end, state shifted to ease of erect posture where the flesh eyes were relaxed and naturally given a proportionate emphasis within the field of awareness. Didnt note enough general characteristics to be clear whether this was equanimity.

early am: 1hr free-style note-ing.
Overall didnt notice any shift in 'level of concentration', but alert. Drifted into thinking often, which were post-occurence noted. Note-ing seemed to amble around body sensations. What was new and curious was feeling a swinging of a small but bright feeling 'point', as if the weight of a pendulem. It swang at the back of the neck at the top of its nape, and then widened as if from ear to ear. The eyes began looking right and left to meet it at each ear so to speak. Afterwards, spontaneous shoulder rolling and jaw stretching. Finished at 1hr.

Speculation: noteing has seemed to have unwound to some extent the eye flicking and and tensions which seem like such a hinderance to concentration. Although this seems to be addressing the original purpose to swapping to free-style note-ing, Im going to stick with it until I get as clearer sense of riding the jhanic arc, than i did with the kasina. I can see why note-ing is especially suited to this as it automatically adjusts levels of efforting and what aspects of experience facilitate, or get out of the way of the ride. Note it as it is free-style...and thus get out of the way of 'it' (by deliberately concentrating on one object or another) so 'it' can do its stuff. Dwelling somewhat on something new to some extent seems automatic allowing note-ing of its aspects, easing recognition and thus incrementally disembedding.

late-am 1hr free-style note-ing
Essentially initially there was ambling around body sensation, drowsiness, sense gates and mind frames for the first 30mins with a little struggle for consistency of note-ing and attempts at being alert for drifting off into thought or dozeing off. This was interspersed with smooth note-ing (when things seem to be going well), then theres a kind of relaxation of the lower body and an upswell of pleasurable energy. Relatively quickly move to 'gargoyling' (rolling shoulders, silent screaming, jaw stretching, sticking tongue out etc) then (this was new) discernible melancholy, woefulness and a brief sob. Then anguish, finally relief. Then gargoyling, upsurge of energy...this 'sequence' repeated. Then it felt like the meditation was over, looked at my watch and 2mins to go. Kept sitting til the end.

Speculation: how scripted was that? Or is this the way of it, states are compacted and mixed up and then slowly seperate and unmix into a discernible up&down the arc of distinct states?

sparqi, thanks for this, encourages me to be more adventuresome with the dreaded sleepy sitting (give me pain or terror any day!).

Sounds like reobservation. Keep it up!