sparqis logs2

mid-pm: 1hr free-style note-ing
Having reflected on this ambling stage which seems to take up most of my note-ing sits, if not all, and precedes the click/relaxation into experience of upswelling invigorating 'energy', I resolved to try and be with more closely and identify nanas 1to3. I guess that craving for 1, aversion to 3 and judgements of where Iam vs where I prefer to be, which perhaps smells of 2, are all mixed up.

The difference between my samatha and note-ing seems to be that the states are much softer while noteing. So I get to 1 almost instantly, reflect on it, then there is a wish to stay there as it is 'good concentration'...then it seems to deteoriate and I start fidgeting, yawning etc, Im guessing this is 3. I resolved not fidget, yawn, rearrange the legs, swallow when mouth feels dry etc. I did this and seemed to get to a&p within 20mins, much faster than usual. I dont feel 2 seperately. The feeling of a receeding of a&p and a settling seems to be dissolution. Knowledge of fear announces itself with a start, a shock of sitting up straight suddenly. Gargoyling, grimacing seems to be disgust. Sorrowfulness, woe is me, melancholy chances are is misery. Desire for deliverance isnt clear yet, sometimes I think 'enough', sometimes I get a christian style gesture, like crossing myself. Reobservation I would guess feels like anguish.

This sit I went up and down between a&p and I think reobservation about 4 times. I didnt identify all the DN nanas each time. Sometimes they seemed to be skipped or emphasised disgust or misery strongly. May have touched equanimity, but if I did I dropped very quickly back down to a&p. Not clear about this. A few minutes before the end I reached the strongest feeling state. It felt like I was sitting in a ball of light feeling bliss, with my head sticking out of the top. Strange, I could distinctly feel its edge and where it deviated from being a perfect sphere. I attempted to steep in the feeling, thinking it was equanimity, it strengthened somewhat, then distinct shakey feelings of excitement went up my back...this went on for awhile, and while investigating I noted its non-solidity, impermanence and not self. Then to my surprise I went into gargoyle mode..which I presume is disgust...therefore the strong altered state was a&p afterall. 1hr20mins

Sparqi,

Kenneth talks about hitting your cutting edge and then descending back down the arc in reverse. You could also be topping out in the dukkha nanas and going back down to A&P and then back up again.

Either way, you've definitely got some neat new stuff to work with!

BTW, to me reobservation felt like all the other dukkha nanas cycling over and over until they stop and then I go into equanimity.

"BTW, to me reobservation felt like all the other dukkha nanas cycling over and over until they stop and then I go into equanimity."

So far for me its revulsion, self-pity and get me out of here overlapping, all at once...which together I relate to everyday life as anguish..noooooooo!

late pm: 30mins kasina gazing
Because of the softness of the states in note-ing, thought some concentration practice was in order. Also wanted to test out the involuntary flick of the eyes. Im glad to report that the involuntary flicking has substantially diminished. Love it when a plan coincidentaly works out.

today early pm: 1hr freestyle note-ing.
Seemed very tired, and my note-ing part of the brain just didnt have the energy to note...very drowsy...took the cue to swap to samatha of the hara to see if the involuntary eye flicking reflex still got fired and caused a rapid shuttling between the feeling and vision gates thus disrupting concentration. Iam glad to say this difficulty/hinderance was again very much diminished. Note-ing seems to have done its magic and has unwound via more disembedding a substantial part of this tension. The drowsiness has the effect for me of drawing the focus of concentration up the body and if I dont catch it I can drop off...this happened once and I heard a loud buzz 'in my mind' which startled me back awake. Steadfastly sat the whole hour.

Saturday early-am: 1hr free-form noting.
Began ambling around body sensation noting: seeing, tension, contraction, expansion, squeeze, tension, seeing, tightness etc
Then noticed somehow I was 'feeling' the back of the neck in front of the neck. A mind-body discontinuity therefore a a mind image-feeling, not a visceral feeling. Once noticed locked on to the visceral sensation and followed it up (tightness) the back of the head. Relative to the visual field it was actually behind rather than imagined to be so. The sense of little 'i'ness struggles with this logical paradox and diminishes significantly. With the back of the head really in awareness, the visual fields periphery opens out, and one gets a real sense of 360 degree awareness. This state maintained itself and was blissful most of the morning. Driving along a sun dappled road was a pleasure as seeing had panorama, spaciousness, pristineness and clarity. Noted 'desire' several times as pulling inwards into the image-feelings mode. Re-membering the back of the head and neck returned awareness to 360degrees. Eventually faded in afternoon.

Other aspects I noted were that the clarity and is-ness of the morning could be characterised as 'proper locality', relativity, contextualisation and proportionment of sensation, relative to the visual field, not 'i'ness. Back of head sensations were properly behind the visual field, the neck seemed 'properly' beneath etc. Very embodying and without the fuzz of the double imageing so to speak of visceral body sensations and mind-image-feelings...Also noticed new visceral sensations in the neck (previously Id noticed that it was more or less numb), and pleasurable relaxation of the neck & shoulders..
Further, the periphery of awareness seemed more still and real than all the activity going on in the centre...the body & mind etc.

Sunday-am: Investigating the (I guess) mind-body insight knowledge aspect.
Immediately on sitting felt the mind image-feeling of the body was somehow floating to my right, with experiments, if I swapped legs (burmese sitting position) it seemed to be floating off to my left. Felt disorientating, strange. Eventually via concentrating on actual body in place relative to the visual field, I got the distinct impression of sucking in the floating image into my right and left hand sides of the rib cage, as I periodically swapped legs. Weird. There was generally a sense that this 'other body' was out of synch and twisted within my seeming 'actual body'. Disappointed at the non-return of yesterdays wonderful state..!

Encouraged and inspired by a discussion with Alex about Zen, I lay down on my bed and just 'surrendered', no struggle, no effort, no mediation, but retaining awareness and not drifting off into daydreaming...eventually emphasis fell on that 'felt' knot in the middle of the head and I noticed that it was a mind-image sensation, and that it was being looked at by a mind-image sensation of the visual field with a border, just like one sees when looking normally. These images placed the knot of tension behind my eyes. Swiveling the eyes without effecting this tension clinched it. The tension I usually feel behind my eyes is an overlapping of body and mind type sensations. The head is really a fruitful paradox for the mind-body double-ing with discontinuities/borders between the two apparent. Whilst holding this discontinuity in mind, the double image fuzz receeded as the knot sensation slowly made its way to its 'proper' place behind the visual field. As this occured a pressure built up between the eyes, and I applied Kenneths jutsu of taking the perspective of looking back through this pressure at the knot. My mind would get excited and run a commentary diminishing the 'surrender' and the concentration of keeping the discontinuity in awareness. The pressure drilled in toward the knot, seemed to make contact and a connection was felt to be made with the heart. A strong sense of an eye opening between my two flesh eyes was felt, affecting the visual field. A lightning fast high fidelity attention seemed to emerge, the head and body became spacious and an ever slight luminosity was seen. It was if an inner eye had opened and it could scan my body with great speed and agility. It would get stuck around my inner chest or heart and the scalp at the back of my head. It seemed to be able to push up my crown. Very exciting and new.

Additionally the little'i' was getting very logically challenged, had little elsewhere to go. I attempted to hold the spaciousness of the heads interior along with the felt link between the 'third eye', the knot in the middle of my head as well as the scalp at the back of my head. Little 'i' diminished tremendously again. The periphery of awareness became more still and solid, a sense of impersonal awareness was present. When I deliberately moved my head around it felt like a fifth limb, almost no disorientation...the sense of the periphery being solid was stronger.

today-am: 1hr freeform note-ing with resolution to 'ride the arc'
Wanted to see if the 'new' lightning-like attention would have any affect. Alas unable to discern the spaciousness/slight luminosity of the body & head nor the agile attention. It becomes obvious though that the qualities I felt with regards these things are impermanent, not me etc. Also particular perspectives, solidities etc likewise. Bewildered with the number of things to note. Note-ing especially around the head, breathing and eye tensions & visual field. Noticed the doubling of the head sensations again. Noteing continued alternating around body sensations and seeing & eye tensions. Noted impatience 'for something to happen', eventually a relaxation of the perinaeum/pelvis/legs & slipped into a very mild uprush of 'energy'. Noted a bubble type sensation at the perinaeum. Suddenly 'started' as if I caught myself nodding off, grew suspicious and warey, then spontaneous gargoyling a few minutes later. A few minutes later sorrowful, a bit sobby, then slight sense of 'tiredness', 'impatience'...then anguish, seemingly rotating around emphasising each particular flavour of DN nana. Then some kind of relief, felt a fine energy rising in a column to my back left, then softness, particularly around the breathing, began blissing, and steeping. After a while, a cruder static electricity-like sensation was felt exciting my spine. Attempted to further steep in the blissing softness, but the excitedness eventually grew, so I noted the three characteristics of the soft blissing and my craving/regret of leaving. Time up. Did brahmaviras. Noted impatience to finish.

Whew! I bet you can hardly wait to get to your next sit. Looking forward to more.

Went to bed last night and played around with perceiving the mind-body doubling and looking/feeling(aha!, what exacly is the modality here?) back from the third eye at the knot. I find it tricky to be sure the sensations are visceral, but when I have locked on, the pressure in between the eyes got quite intense, with it spreading particularly to my left flesh eye and the sinuses aching. I once got the distinct sense of something looking back at me. Weird. Whilst I continued directing attention from the third eye to the knot I got the strong sense of the pressure reaching back inside my head to the knot and the knot smearing/dripping down my central channel through the heart right down to the root.

I must have fallen into something like sleep as the dream images looked to be in front of me and I softly 'started' awake and just for a split second felt/looked like or I was aware that the dream out there got sucked back in through my third eye and down into the chest. While hovering between being awake and dreaming (perhaps sleep or something else, I dont remember feeling drowsy), I felt a 'drop' from the third eye to the chest. It seems that when I 'start' awake this is what cause the feeling of 'starting'. Similar 'starting' occurs when I drop into knowledge of fear...interesting!

Next I must have fallen more properly asleep but half awoke after realising I was dreaming. The dreaming continued, yet I was now fully awake. Not wanting to disturb the state I tested whether I could move my tongue and moisten the mouth...I could. I could also feel my breathing and check for the knot in the middle of the head, I was totally awake. My legs felt energised, heavy, ummm floating and the space they occupied was wave-ing. The dream images became more absorbing the more I concentrated on them. The dominant motif was 'projecting energy at pyramids'. One of them was seeing a small man projecting energy at one of many pyramids in 3d. At one stage the whole visual field was rotating pyramids in pink and blue pastels!

I used to lucid dream alot with seeming entities visiting before disaster struck and my long 12 year dark night descended and that all ended...but now...Im glad to say....Im back. and this third eye stuff is a whole another level!!

During drive this morning, reflecting on recent events and how different things can be which were at least used to be familiar, and watching Nic&Kenneth ride the arc made it much clearer than before: IMPERMANENCE, NOT SELF...became quite grateful to the Buddha for pointing the way. Noting as a practice became clearer, everytime one names, it is declaring... the named,... as impermanent and not self. This gave the noting practice more force.

early-pm: 1hr freeform noting, resolved to ride the nanic arc.
Started noting before I sat. After a few minutes sitting felt the jolt which I associate with fear. Only a very slight lightness was felt beforehand. Having forgot to set the timer, I went through many cycles of A&P through the DN nanas. It was like slogging through a marsh. As the cycles continued the names of the nanas pierced through into the visceral. The slog was punctuated by yuck queaziness and solar plexus painfully squeezing grief. I really had enough by the time I noticed the clock must be beyond an hour. At least the nanas are hardening rather than being too soft to be absolutely clear about where i was at any time.

Meditation(8h-9h)
Method: Freeform noting
Results: Noted reluctance, '˜tired of it', '˜fed up'. Stretched spine, neck & jaw, noting:tightness, stretching, pain, etc, then '˜settling down', relaxation. Continued noting general body sensations. Within 5mins felt perinaeum/pelvis/legs relax. Noted slight bodily tremor at base of trunk, and then '˜penetrating shivering' within deep muscles from trunk upwards, culminating in violent shaking of head. Noted queazey, giddiness, slight nausea, '˜resistance'. After a minute stopped and noted subtle bliss in spine up to crown. Continued freeform noting around breathing and eyes and when attention returned to spine, subtle bliss still present. Now felt more like a rod from above crown to root. Then I noticed that this was a mental-feeling-image as it did not coincide location wise with my body. Explored the double-imaging of mind&body, whilst noting slowed. Focus turned more and more to the knot in the middle of the head and evaluating this as also initially felt as a mind-feeling-image. The discontinuities and overlapping images were innumerable, disorientating and confusing. Settled on knot and attempted to sit with it whilst relaxing and widening field of awareness to include all the tension of these discontinuities. Noticed that '˜I' was somehow looking/feeling the tension around the eyeballs '˜in front of me'. Briefly a sense of the mind-image of the body as in front of me, reminding me strongly of when I perceived briefly a sleep dream '˜in front of me' and being sucked back into my third eye. I jolted with surprise. The rest of the meditation was sitting in tension with all these discontinuities.
(cont)

The main tension was between the knot and the eyes. Reminded me of the tether one holds firmly to restrain when capturing the Ox! Noticed that within the apparent awake '˜dream image' of the body, the visual field is flat. Speculated that when vision seems spacious and 3d one is actually seeing rather than looking at the dream image imposed on top of real vision, probably not quite aligned giving rise to a subtle blurring. Further noticed eye flicking aligned as if looking around the dream image of the body.

Meditation(13.30h-14.30h)
Method: Freeform noting
Results: Noticed procrastination before sitting. Very quickly the attention gravitated to the knot. Decided to go with the flow and just sit and feel it whilst maintaining that the sensation was indeed in the middle of my head rather than imagined to be elsewhere. Became drowsy and saw the daydream images form in the visual field, and felt the draw to bathe in them. At one point I began breathing through the third eye into the knot, and I felt something streaming in through the third eye through the knot and down into my chest. Then something happened, I seemed to penetrate the knot through to the back of the head. A warmish sensation began moving up the back of my neck affecting my left ear and distorting hearing. Then I realised I couldnt feel the knot, nor anything inside my head. I searched for the knot but the heads interior seemed opaque and somewhat stuffy. These seemed located correctly behind the visual field. Things felt different but I couldnt discern what. It felt something like equanimity with the mind very quiet, and it far easier to let awareness be diffuse rather than make the effort to follow the breathing for example. I tried this and it was possible but it had no interest. Instead I surrendered effort and took the wide view. Every now and then I searched for the knot but instead found warm sensations flowing. By tilting the head and swiveling I found something briefly and again penetrated to the back of the head and scalp. Hour ended quickly.

Hey Sparqi, are you traveling, on vacation, retreat? I hope you're doing fine. Looking forward to an update on your practice notes!