Jaime's sitting journal

Hey,
Ive been checking out the site/forum for a short while and had two interviews with Kenneth, which have been massively helpful to my practice. Ive been keeping a daily paper diary and so hope to be able to update my online version a couple of times a week, maybe more.
For some brief backgound (more if people want/need it), ive been sitting for about three years after many more trying to get into it. My practice has become increasingly regular over that time where i now sit twice a day for about 1 hour total, sometimes more/longer if time allows (such as this weekend!). I checked out loads of groups in London and settled on a zen group, although about since months ago i came across Daniels book and site and subsequently Kenneth's site (along with Buddhist Geeks and a ton of other amazing books!). I found that i had lots of questions about my practices and experiences that weren't getting answered in my zen group , which thankfully led me to search to gain more understanding about sitting. I think also my reasons for sitting have changed and its become and increasingly important part of my life, where I am now determined to get stream entry at least and gain more understanding about what sitting is all about.
I started noting practice a few months ago, switched back to concentration on the breath, but have rededicated myself back to noting the last few weeks and rather begin my practice with a short concentration exercise. Ive also started using more opportunities off the cushion to note and am increasingly getting into this.
I think im struggling at the moment to know what im 'looking for' if thats the right term (such as with the 3 characteristics etc), but im trying not to get too hung up as i can see how it disturbs my practice (i was caught up in evaluation and technical points while sitting for a few weeks, for example).

"I am now determined to get stream entry at least and gain more understanding about what sitting is all about.

I think im struggling at the moment to know what im 'looking for' if thats the right term (such as with the 3 characteristics etc
"

hi,

i am in the same boat. I think this site is a great place to get it going!

As far as what to "look for" - in my understanding all you have to look for are any sensations that are happening to you right now. Note them and investigate them. I think naturally you will discover the 3 characteristics if you watch sensations consistantly.
.

Some experiences ive noted this week:
Ive found that on a few sits ive had a tremendous amount of energy rush through me, almost like waves, coupled with feels of joy and relaxation. After theses sits I felt 'cleansed' both physically and mentally. Ive also had what i could only call a 'wobble' experience, where it feels like my body and mind ripples upwards for an instant, but stops the second i notice it.
Ive noticed how my practice often goes in waves where my mind is very busy, before calming down and going deeper into my practice, bubbling back up to 'normal' everyday consciousness and then finally dropping back into a deeper still place; this is usually where my timer goes off and i could go on for seemingly ages!
Ive also found that on the sits mentioned above, its almost like the meditation is doing itself, with natural noting and 'me' just observing whats going on.
I have become more aware of more subtle sensations at times, including a pains in my teeth/jaw, with a feeling of familiarity, even though they are sensations that I havent been aware of before.
In my day to day life I would say that I feel more aware and connected to the world and people around me. I have also had a few overwhelming moments of feeling what i could only call grief in have the deep feeling that 'I', my partner and everyone around me will die (Im not sure where this stands in relation to practice though). This feeling was so strange though before it was a deep knowing, rather than just a thought, if that makes sense?
More generally, I have noticed for some time now the differences between thoughts that just arise of their own accord and voluntary thoughts, along with the changing nature of 'pains', 'aches' etc and their subtle and quiet complex nature (if that makes sense?).
I think thats it for now...I look forward to any questions or comments...

"hi,

i am in the same boat. I think this site is a great place to get it going!

As far as what to "look for" - in my understanding all you have to look for are any sensations that are happening to you right now. Note them and investigate them. I think naturally you will discover the 3 characteristics if you watch sensations consistantly."

If you note it all, phenomena will eventually break down and reveal the subtler realities i.e. vibrations, energy etc. You don't have to look for impermanence, non-self, and unsatisfactoriness. It will become apparent when you progress through the nanas/stages of insight. In my opinion, you don't fully "get" the three characteristics until stream entry. If you keep noting diligently, it will all be revealed in time. The nanas have their specific names for a reason. For example the 3rd nana, the knowledge of anicca, anatta, dukkha. You will get a good glimpse of it all then. Just keep noting whatever is centre stage without looking for specific things, even the three characteristics. It isn't necessary. It can help though to give one a reason to let go of things to see their impermanent, non-self and unsatisfactory nature. But just by noting and disembedding you are doing enough to "let go". It is looking AT things that will make progress faster, not FOR. Just my opinion.

Hope this helps,

Nick

Thanks for the comments thus far.
Yeah I think ive started becoming more aware of more subtle experiences and noting them, which is why I feel my practice has 'opened up' of late.
I think that sometimes am a little too critical of my practice when in actual fact Im doing the right thing! Im trying not to get caught in the conceptual ideas trap and keep my sitting to the level of sensation.
I guess its also about me only recently coming to a different understanding about practice, which has brought up lots of doubts and questions, but which are starting to settle down now as my understanding grows little by little.

"
I guess its also about me only recently coming to a different understanding about practice, which has brought up lots of doubts and questions, but which are starting to settle down now as my understanding grows little by little."

I hope you are noting those "doubts' and and "questions". Use everything that arises, all mindstates, thoughts, sensations, emotions, images etc as fuel for your rocket ship to enlightenment. Objectify it all! Welcome to this online sangha which rocks apples and pears!

Nick

"I hope you are noting those "doubts' and and "questions". Use everything that arises, all mindstates, thoughts, sensations, emotions, images etc as fuel for your rocket ship to enlightenment. Objectify it all!
"

yep, everything gets noted!

Thanks for the comments, useful stuff. Looking forward to keeping this online journal, i think its going to be a massive help.

J

"If you note it all, phenomena will eventually break down and reveal the subtler realties ie vibrations, energy etc. You don't have to look for impermanence, non-self, and unsatisfactoriness. It will become apparent when you progress through the nanas/stages of insight. In my opinion, you don't fully "get" the three characteristics until stream entry. If you keep noting diligently, it will all be revealed in time. The nanas have their specific names for a reason. For example the 3rd nana, the knowledge of anicca, anatta, dukkha. You will get a good glimpse of it all then. Just keep noting whatever is centre stage without looking for specific things, even the three characteristics. It isn't necessary. It can help though to give one a reason to let go of things to see their impermanent, non-self and unsatisfactory nature. But just by noting and disembedding you are doing enough to "let go". It is looking AT things that will make progress faster, not FOR. Just my opinion.

Hope this helps,

Nick"

I'm glad I read this. Thanks for posting this. I am looking for and trying to do too much besides noting.

Sat 40 mins - 07:30 to 8:10am
Felt relaxed and focused from the start, beginning with concentration on the breath and moved onto noting.
Throughout the sitting I noted as I moved backwards and forwards from boredom, frustration, and anticipation (of the day ahead and practice) to calm, peaceful, and humorous. I also felt very energetic at many points, which towards the end became a bit too much to note and it felt like it was building up.
Felt deep into the meditation, only to bubble up to what I would say was more normal consciousness for a few brief seconds, which i noted.
I found myself evaluating my practice at times, but very quickly noted it.
The time went very quick despite the agitation.
Throughout i noted ache in my lower back, loads of itches which i focused on as i noted
Noting moved built up and down from slow and consistent to fast.

If anyone has suggestions as to the type of journal is most informative then let me know (format etc)

Hoping to be able to have several more sittings today and tomorrow.

Jaime

Sat for 20 mins (10:45-11:10am)
Found it very hard to concentrate and felt very surface level until i got into a flow with my noting the experience. It felt like the sitting was like sitting on a 'wave' with my mind going deep and the surfacing, but quicker than i normally experience in sitting (normally experience this a few peaks and troughs over the course of a sitting, this felt the same but over few minutes).
I tired to turn my attention and noting back onto the agitation and frustration and it felt that this opened up to a energetic experience that was peaceful and calm, only to close up again shortly after.

Sat 25 mins.
Felt really frustrated and agitated when sitting today. Had a slight headache and just couldnt relax properly, although i noted all of this and through out the sitting. However this morning felt more of a chore and I really struggled to get through the sit.
I noted energy again, but it was more of a restless energy than yesterday.
The noting was quiet quick throughout especially in relation to the headache and tension in my skull/neck.

"Felt really frustrated and agitated when sitting today. Had a slight headache and just couldnt relax properly, although i noted all of this and through out the sitting. However this morning felt more of a chore and I really struggled to get through the sit."-Jaime Arnold

Excellent, Jaime! It may seem counter-intuitive at first, but this is actually progress. You're moving into some more challenging territory, which is natural at this stage. Keep sitting and noting, understanding that this is just another phase. You are seeing that meditation isn't just about finding yet another pleasant experience to be embedded in; it's about waking up. During the course of your training, you will encounter every kind of experience. Some of them will be heavenly and some hellish. Note them all carefully and you will find a kind of happiness that is independent of conditions.

Mudita,

Kenneth

Ive found that I havent had time to update much recently, but the last two evening sits have been very interesting.
Last night (23rd) I felt very natural and relaxed as soon as i began my sitting. About half way through i had a very expansive feeling, which was preceded with a noting of 'choppy' breathes, as if its was staggered. As the expansive feeling rose up I felt very blissful and peaceful and my body seemed to disolve (apart from my hands!), at this point i repeated a few times 'Who am I' followed by 'see how it is peaceful'. Around this point i felt a flood of energy on this in breath, which rose higher and higher and I just tried to surrender to the experience too avoid evaluating the experience.
I think at the peak of the experience my 'working mind' (for want of a better term) started to kick in again and i felt like i slowly worked my way back down.
By the end of the sit I was disappointed that it had ended and could have sat much longer.

Tonight (23rd) 20:00 to 21:10
Again felt as though i just dropped straight into a rhythm even if it took my mind a little while to calm down.
As i noted and got occasionally lost in some thoughts, I suddenly felt very spacious, like being in a massive mental hall. At this point the thoughts that did occur felt distant from the spaciousness.
I felt a slow release of energy within the body, but i also felt as though i was literally sitting in the energy, while subtle waves of it were within me.
I found that the use of 'Who am I?' and 'See how it feels...' were really effective for disembeding from the experience and deepening it.
I could have sat for much much longer and only had odd moments of restlessness and some frustration with myself for evaluating and anticipating experiences. It felt though that in a way no matter what I did i would have got swept away with the practice/experience; it kind of sat itself!

After I felt a little distant from my flat and chatting to my partner, but with a real peaceful and content undertone. Now my head is a little heavy with a slight headache, but i hadnt eaten or possibly drunk enough after coming home from work so it may be related to that in part.

Im hoping to have more time to read and comment on others journals over the weekend and I look forward to your comments etc

Jaime

This mornings 40 min sit couldnt have been more different. I was distracted, slightly bored/agitated and struggled to note (although i did); i just didnt feel like i had the mental energy this morning. I think i was also anticipating another sit like last night (and noted anticipation a few times). I noted humour throughout too as i observed myself having this range of emotions etc
The sit did have an undertone of calm though, despite the restlessness.

Jaime

As an update from my day at work, I would say ive felt calm beyond words, even though ive had the odd moment (mainly when cycling) ive very quickly come back to this central place of peace. I should have been bored stupid at work today, having nothing much to do, but i just kind of went with it, didnt get frustrated one bit. I would describe it overall as a sense of balance, tinged with joy. Considering ive been up since 5am im feeling pretty sharp too (although we'll see how long that lasts!).

Ive been having odd sensations too all day, like a wave of energy passing through my very briefly but i could say is like an altered state, which i think i can bring on at will (?) or if not that i can sense at will, which might be more appropriate. Its this feeling of connection with the moment and a slow pulsing (light, yet powerful) energy flow.

Im trying to note my experience when i can, and will do that throughout the evening no im home.

Ill be sitting soon, so ill be interested to see how that is...

The last few days sitting have been fairly hard work and ive struggled to get the energy to note, along with being a little agitated, evaluating my practice/experience a lot and anticipating something, such as my sits on wednesday and thursday night.
Last night and this morning have been far more relaxed and i stopped evaluating so much and let myself just be, having more energy to note.
Tonight however was again different. I dropped effortlessly into meditation when i sat, feeling calm and peaceful. As i noted and deepened into my breath, i noted the staggered nature of it, which really drew me in and fascinated me. My experience started to expand out and i felt energy start to rise (rising and pulsing through the body, but centred more in the hands), only to stall for a few moments as my mind kicked in and i started planning; on noting this I again felt more expansive again, as though 'I' separated from 'my' thoughts, they were still going on a little, but with the volume down and weren't being had by 'me'. This was similar to Thursday night but not as powerful.
At points I 'saw' lights and patterns (i had my eyes closed, they are usually slightly open), i think this was prior to the above experience.
My thoughts started to rise again, but as i noticed them I heard/experienced a 'pop' and i was back in the centre, with no sense of my body, just a sense of expansiveness and peace/calm.
Through this experience my noting was light, and i felt like it was a buffer when new experiences, such as a noise or sensation, occurred.
One interesting experience that happened toward the end of the sit (and that i realised that has happened in the last few days, but i had failed to write), was a experience of my as individual parts, none of which were me. It was like they all came together to make me, but werent 'me'.

(cont.)
I could have sat for god know how long, but i was reluctant to stop when my alarm went! At points it was like having a bath in pure peace, and at times as though i dissolved completely, seeing myself as i actually am (or getting a glimpse anyway).
Really tired now, so im going to crash, but im feel calm and content.

Jaime

Nice, detailed report, Jaime. You are doing it right. Sometimes it will be heaven and sometimes it will be hell, but if you keep practicing in this way and carefully noting your experience as it happens you will continue to make progress.

Excellent job!

Kenneth