Squee's practice journal

So, a good friend recommended that I start a practice journal, and since I am back to daily meditations only with no retreat for the next year or so, I decided that anything that can help is a great opportunity.
I've been sitting two hours a day for the past two years or so. Used Goenka scanning until a month or so ago, when I switched to noting. I use anapana to concentrate although I've been experimenting with kasina in the past couple of days.

I haven't decided if I'd write every two sits down or not, as that would generate a lot of fluff. I'll just go with the flow and do what seems write.

June 22, night sit. 1 hour.
Started with some anapana until I felt concentrated and body sensations were popping all around the background. Noted decision to move into noting practice and started noting. I don't remember a lot since it was last night. There were a few moments of feeling expansiveness, spacious, and I noted these. 20 minutes or so before the end of the sit I began being hit by waves of anxiety and impatience. These were felt in the spinal cord, rocking and moving it, as well as in the shoulder and throat area. I've had anxiety periods before, but not as strong as this one (and the one I had the night before, which may have lasted even longer). I noted anxiety, impatience, wanting to open eyes, wanting sit to end, all in between noting the individual sensations around my body. These waves subsided and came return a couple of times until my timer rang. I noted the ring, noted the sense of release and happiness and peace, and got up.

June 23, morning sit. 1 hour.
Felt a little dread before this sit, not only because of the sit last night but also because noting is just so much more intense and demands so much more cognitive load. I started with kasina until the bowl disappeared, and then closed my eyes and began to note. Noting thoughts, visions and dialogues was very hard, as it is often in the morning for me. I found my self noting things either a few moments after they had already passed (oh! Talking talking, thought about having missed it, noting it 'missing missing', frustration frustration, etc) or just cutting it with my note. Sensations were wide, thin blots, subtle yet not pleasant, kind of like an unfocused gaze. I noted very slowly, and noted 'slow slow' and 'frustration frustration' when I became mindful of this. I tried intentionally taking up the speed of noting (missed noting 'intention'), which worked for a while and made my noting of emotions and thoughts much more effective. But morning is morning and my resolve dwindled back again into slowness without me noticing. Had a couple of spacing out moments. Had a few times where I decided to stay with one sensations for a few moments instead of bounce around, had no mental note for this (intention to investigate...) but noted the fact that there was something going on. Had a few moments of doubt about my ability to note thoughts and emotions, thinking that I am just throwing a label without actually objectifying anything. Noted this like mad. Doubt is my best friend, we mingle daily.

Wow, having done this, this is really helpful.

Squeee, when you use anapana to concentrate, what is the experience if you do it for a long time (the general outline of a session)?

Morning sit, June 24, 1 hour.
Started with some kasina until the object became black. Moved to a bit of respiration and then began noting. Noting was slow and although I tried to will my physical noting to go faster it did not. Noted mental formations '“ visuals, speech, thoughts, explanations, etc, along with narrations of what I am going to write here. I felt like I was not noting many different formations and that the more subtle ones were overlooked. I now regret not being aware of this and noting it. Physical sensations were again not focused but kind of big, but were more pleasant. Overall, I was very peaceful and all was pleasant, and I noted these.

Hey mumuwu,

I actually haven't tried sitting for a whole session with concentration practice. In the past, say half a year ago, I used to do it for 30 minutes or so. At times I thought I managed to hit higher jhanas than the first, but it was never clear.

Evening sit, June 23. 1 hour.
Started with a bit of anapana until I felt it was the right time to start noting. Noting began slow, with light sensations all around. I found that noting so slowly means I am less aware of my thought and manage to note them somehow late. Took noting up a notch and managed to note thoughts, visuals and emotions much better. Physical sensations became bigger, less pronounced. When investigated separately, some of them yielded tiny vibrations while others were still blurry, kind of like when your leg falls asleep but much duller. Noting wavered between fast and slow. A couple of very very strong itching sensations, noted 'wanting to scratch' and 'itching'. Around 35 min into the meditation anxiety developed, felt in the heart, spine and throat. I noted it as best as I could, and it disappeared after a few minutes. Resurfaced again. At 50 min into the meditation the heat, anxiety and discomfort from the half-lotus posture became too much, I looked at the clock and opened my eyes. After a few anapana breaths I went back to noting in a new posture, which featured some anxiety but not as strong as before. I noted it, as before, trying to be aware of as much of the bodily sensations as possible.

Hi Squee,

You said "I felt like I was not noting many different formations and that the more subtle ones were overlooked. I now regret not being aware of this and noting it."

It seems a little like you might be LOOKING FOR as opposed to LOOKING AT. If this is so, try just LOOKING AT as opposed to wasting energy looking for the subtler realities. They will become apparent automatically if you LOOK AT as opposed to LOOKING FOR.

Try just noting whatever is centre stage. Wherever the mind falls. And give yourself a second or two in between noting to really note with as much detail as possible. If you get spaced out or confused, note those states as "spacing out" or "confused". If you think you are missing stuff, note that...."missing stuff-thought". If you get flummoxed, note the state of "flummoxed". If you get frustrated, regretful and disappointed...note those states too. Everything and I mean EVERYTHING should be given importance when you note, if it is centre stage. And then something else will replace it and so on and so on. If you think you are overlooking things, note that, "overlooking things-thought" , "looking for-thought, searching-thought, etc" WHATEVER is centre stage.

Hope this helps.

Nick this is great.

You write such insightful posts.

Oh man, I just wrote down a whole entry and it got deleted. so I'll try again.

Haven't written in a while, so here goes the July 4, evening sit, 1 hour.

Began with anapana until I felt peaceful and concentrated. I never know if I have entered a jhana, so I usually proceed from samadhi to insight when I feel my state is pleasurable and that I'd like to stay in it and not move on. This happens within minutes of the practice. When I notice this, I tell myself that I am now going to investigate the 3Cs and gain a better understanding of them, as well as make a strong resolution to make first path soon. Then I start, as I did today, to note.

My noting of physical sensations is sometimes in the background, sometimes in the foreground. It's pretty rapid, not too quick, and seems to go on automatically. Lately I have been more sensitive to non-physical noting - sounds, lights, thoughts, emotions, mental images and sounds. Today I have also begun to notice that every sound and thought are followed by a quick mental images of some sort, which I note as "seeing" or "visual". Since I now see it after almost every mental note, I thought it might be some kind, at least at times, of auto-suggestion (I know a mental thought comes with an image, so there appears an image even if there wouldn't have been one otherwise). When this comes up I note it as doubt and move on, but I'd be happy to hear anyone's take on that. I also noted that most times a mental image is followed or preceeded by the mental image of the word I am noting and a mental verbalization of it. This leads to a funny loop: "seeing", the word seeing appears mentally and is repeated, "seeing", "saying", saying appears and is repeated mentally, "saying", "seeing", etc. When it gets really fast and I can't note accurately (2-4 rounds) I shift my attention to a new object.

Bottom line, I feel mostly equanimous (indifferent?) except when some thoughts arise, and then I get pulled into craving, aversion and negative and positive emotions. I try not to reflect on where on the map I am, noting such thoughts with "insight" when they arise.

Also jogged and practiced yoga for an hour and a half or so. In Savasana I usually relish the pleasure of my body after the practice, but today I felt metta spilling out of me in an intensity unknown to me before.

Cheers.

Well, just finished two back to back two hour sittings, so thought I'd write some new observations.
I'm still working with a determination to reach first stage by the end of August. I do not know how realistic or possible it is, but I feel like the mere determination and statement of this goal before each sit helps focus me.
Lately I've been sensing a strong sense of self somewhere in the head. It is now clearer that this i a sense of a watcher watching what's going on, and that it is the strongest sensation of self. I have begun noting it as "watching", but I find it so abstract and weird, much harder than noting emotions or thoughts. It is me, so I find it hard to note, if that makes sense...
I've also lately been having these moments where I feel that something is going to happen, but it disappears very quickly and nothing does happen. I note these as thoughts and I note the immediate excitement they generate. These moments usually come when noting becomes smooth and quick: thoughts, sounds, breath, atmosphere are all noted rapidly and with hardly any effort, while the background (and at times the foreground) is filled with noting of physical sensations. Again, it does not last for more than a few moments, and as it ends noting becomes slow and I need to make more of a conscious effort, even more than the "usual" to move through objects. I have noticed that at these times, my sense of self is the least strong - there is no watcher, I don't "watch" the noting. But as I sense this, I get excited, and I think this is partly what brings about the end and the return to my "normal" situation.

"
I've also lately been having these moments where I feel that something is going to happen, but it disappears very quickly and nothing does happen. I note these as thoughts and I note the immediate excitement they generate. These moments usually come when noting becomes smooth and quick: thoughts, sounds, breath, atmosphere are all noted rapidly and with hardly any effort, while the background (and at times the foreground) is filled with noting of physical sensations. Again, it does not last for more than a few moments, and as it ends noting becomes slow and I need to make more of a conscious effort, even more than the "usual" to move through objects. I have noticed that at these times, my sense of self is the least strong - there is no watcher, I don't "watch" the noting. But as I sense this, I get excited, and I think this is partly what brings about the end and the return to my "normal" situation. "

Hahaha! Awesome! Keep doing what you are doing, Squeee, because eventually while chewing on the food (noting all that stuff, including anticipation) you will eventually swallow the food automatically! (POP!) I had the same experiences pre-path; A number of near misses and feelings of something on the horizon, something "big" about to happen. Just keep noting all those subtle mind states like anticipation, searching, excitement etc.

Awesome! Keep swinging! Keep chewing!

Thanks Nikolai - encouraging!
The only strange thing is, that the way it feels is exactly the way it felt on my last retreat, before being "sucked" ( kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/40...utm_campaign=Content ). I wonder if I am being led there again or to something different.
I guess only practice will tell...

Just an interesting experience from meditation last night: at some point after loosing focus, I regained focused and continued noting. I then noticed that I could hear my breath - coming in, going out - and that my sense of it was such that it seemed external to me, not-me. It was as if I was listening to someone else breathing.

So, I had my first video chat with Kenneth a couple of days ago. It was super helpful, and I feel it has been as meaningful as my change from body scanning to noting. Following Kenneth's advice, I have been meditating while noting out loud. It is magical. Sitting has now become much harder since there is just no second to rest. I have to be sharp and on top of my "game" all the time. I note bodily sensations, feeling-tones and mind-states. I also note thoughts, but it seems that there are just less of them with this way of practicing. When I noted silently and less frequently, i had more thoughts. Maybe now they are just more subtle, and I am not sharp enough? Either way, I note them when I notice.

I also feel I am getting a much more experiential understanding of the 3Cs. I keep noticing dukkha when I crave, dukkha in the constant battle to want to change what's going on. I also am not feeling the sense of self (located behind the eyes) as I did before, although I am not sure I would label my experience as a shaking of the sense of self.

I get a sense of space and distance that are very pleasurable, but I continue to note. I eventually get a sense of really deep calm and peace, but as I investigate it I still find cravings: for this to be equanimity, for some POP to happen, for first path, for some other event. So I note the disappointment at having a craving in this state (which I take to mean it's not equanimity) and continue on....but it is hard to continue to note instead of just sinking into the peace...

Super confident

I've been continuing to practice while noting out loud. The last couple of sits were full of gross sensations (itching, pain, burning, heat) along with a lot of craving, aversion, suffering, amusement, confidence and at times laughter. I'm noting a lot of images, tangled with fear, anxiety, worry, aversion and jealousy, along with a lot of remembering-thoughts full of aversion and anger. I note the suffering. When I crave most of the time I immediately notice, and note, the suffering of it. I feel like I've never before experienced and understood dukkha so well.

I just did a 25 min meditation lying down (I'm sick and sitting is kind of taxing), and I again found myself getting the sensation that something is about to happen. The body was full of vague vibrations and tingling, with the gross sensations no longer predominating the experience. Once I noted that 'about-to-happen-feeling', excitement and anticipation flooded me. I thought this might be auto-suggestion, and tried noting it as 'auto-suggestion' (I suppose auto-suggestion-thinking or doubt make more sense as labels here). I also doubted I was in equanimity, since I did not feel the peace and calmness I usually associate with it. Yet at the same time, my excitement and anticipation did not feel so much as craving, and there was no suffering there. I don't know if that makes sense. I may be just fooling myself. I'm still now doubtful that this feeling that something is going to happen is really true and that it is not just some concealed craving brought on by reading Nick's account of first path.

I have continued to sit for two hours everyday noting out loud, although now in a softer voice. I don't know if this is me or the meditation, but it has become quite hard to sit for a whole straight hour. I begin to think of the alarm clock, imagine it, imagine how it feels to click its button, as I meditate. I have urges to get up, stop meditating, check that the time has not gone past. I note all of these. I've had these before, but never in such intensity and repetition. I sometime can't objectify it enough and open my eyes to check the time, or even stop, or move to the bed to lie down and finish the hour in bed. I know of many meditators who have had this before, but I've personally never given up to such urges before. I feel like the noting practice tires me cognitively that I have no energy to fight it...and the objectification of these phenomena does not solve it when it goes on for many minutes.

Another thing I've started experiencing (I've experienced it in the past, but now it appears in every sit) is a sort of shaking or rough vibrating of my "vision"....I don't know how to describe it, it's like the Watcher shakes, or his view/attention shakes. This sometime translates into sensations shaking or to an experience of shaking space. I note it, it is pleasurable. My attention is sometimes drawn to my brain which seems as if shaking as well. I am left wondering how to note this (besides shaking) and how to note the sensations (say tingling or itching) even as their whole background, and my experience of them, shakes. Any tips?

Yesterday's sit: I was noting as usual when i suddenly noticed that my visuals have striking colors, more pronounced, really standing out. This was followed by very weird visuals with more striking colors. I noted as 'visualizing', 'color'. Toward the end of the sit I also noticed that my visualizations or remembering thoughts were accompanied by sounds, which I also noted. This subtleness of color and sound did not repeat in my sit today.

Sat for an hour and 30 minutes today. I spent the last 30 minutes lying down in bed and meditating. This usually leads me to a very peaceful meditating experience, with lots of calm and subtle, vibrating sensations along with bits of shaking/vibrating of the watcher sense. I had an exciting "it's about to happen" moment when the vibrations spread and seemed to travel to the head. But as I am a poor noter while lying down it passed. Anyways, just minutes before my alarm went on I felt a small pop, felt a kind of darkness-nothingness, and I am pretty sure there was also a sound of a pop accompanying it. I got really excited, heard-rate sped up, but nothing really happened besides this. Vibrations continued and my alarm rang.

Have been practicing the eye flickering/sweet spot technique, and I have a quick question for those of you who practice it (due to my unrestrained doubt that appears whenever my meditation practice changes): should I be actively inducing flickering by tensing the eye muscles, or should I be relaxing them and letting them tense only as a result of the position of my eyes? I find that tensing them induces flickering, as does light, and I am not sure if I should make a conscious effort to relax them (and avoid light) or not.

Thanks!
EDITED: doubt ().

"Have been practicing the eye flickering/sweet spot technique, and I have a quick question for those of you who practice it (due to my unrestrained doubt that appears whenever my meditation practice changes): should I be actively inducing flickering by tensing the eye muscles, or should I be relaxing them and letting them tense only as a result of the position of my eyes? I find that tensing them induces flickering, as does light, and I am not sure if I should make a conscious effort to relax them (and avoid light) or not.

Thanks!
EDITED: doubt ().
"


Yeah, I'm in the same situation. Thanks for raising this question, Squeee.

From my experience, when I initially do it it is very gross. I am doing "zombie eyes" and there is a very visible flickering that feels somewhat effortful yet also somewhat automatic. If I lower my eyes to the horizon little, if any flickering occurs. If I adjust the eye slightly higher the flickering becomes more subtle than the "zombie" position but the flickering feels more automatic and I can then more easily take it as an object (you might also notice some twitching in the facial muscles at this point). I then watch these flickering for any patterns and I am especially paying attention to the end of the flickering.

Also, putting the eyes into a downward position is good for giving yourself a break and becoming more absorbed. You can then alternate between periods of flickering / absorption.

Thanks mumuwu.

Just an update - been on holiday, sits have not been as comfortable as usual. Anyways, I tried to do the eye flickering, but failed most of the time, even when I thought my mind was very subtle. I am still unsure if this is just my mind-state responsible for the failure or my technique and approach. I suppose I need to continue practicing, and if I'm still confused, ask Kenneth for help.

Squee, I found that it works best when the eyes already seem to want to flicker. In other words, in equanimity occasionally there is a very apparent strobing and the eyes have a tactile feel that corresponds to the flicker. If I put them up at that point the flicker is automatic.

I think noting pulses and strobes which are associated with body sensations (itches, aches, etc.) is what leads to the tendency to flickering I am talking about.

Also, placing the attention up toward the third eye tends to affect these things

Thanks mumuwu. I find, too, that focusing on the eyes flickering is mostly possible only when strobing is there already. My last couple of sits had no such strobing. While I am far from being any good at identifying vipassana stages, it seems to me that I have not been doing well climbing through the stages these last days. While I have itches and aches they do not produce this strobing. Rather it comes when I get sensations of spacing, distance, calm and peace. Haven't experienced those lately and I should try harder to note that craving for these while I sit. I think part of the problem is that I've dropped the noting aloud and returned to noting quietly in my head; my throat became really sore after doing noting aloud for so long. But I now intend to note aloud for the next couple of sits and see if my focus, determination and energy resurface.

"But I now intend to note aloud for the next couple of sits and see if my focus, determination and energy resurface."-Squeee

Yes, good idea. Noting aloud is infinitely more powerful than silent noting.

Any remedy for the soreness/pain/strain in the throat that I develop? (aside from noting it, of course.) I tried whispering, which helps, but does not fully prevents the strain.