3-day sit ruminations

Just back from a 3-day course for Goenka old students, thought I would share my immediate impressions:

First day was for Anapana, building samadhi. Second day and half of the third was for Vipassana. Last half of last day was discourse and Metta.

I really tried to focus on sensations. At times I blazed and at times I sputtered. I intended to really follow the instructions, but I fairly quickly shifted from scanning to noting - just seemed more natural and more effective after using it the last few months. I understand now why some people have suggested that scanning may reduce the ability to associate physical sensations with emotions, thoughts, feelings - noting seems to make a more direct linkage and that leads to insights about the same.

Practically from the beginning, I was having repeated episodes of shaking and trembling as per my postings of a few months back. It generally occurs when I look for "I"... and fail to find it. It usually originates from the base of the spine and the pelvic region shakes back and forth. It then usually spreads upwards, making my spine feel kind of like a flagpole, the shoulders going back and forth and sometimes even the neck and head. May last a minute, generally less. Pronounced enough that someone would notice if they were looking. I'm kind of tired of it now, it's been happening in my practice for a few months. At first it felt dramatic, now it's almost the norm.

Morning of day two I felt kind of crappy. Hadn't slept well and can't remember my exact emotions/feelings, but seem to recall disgust with the practice and things in general. Bleak. The experience of eating food, for example, felt like I was just mashing stuff together with my teeth in order to swallow it down my throat (which I was, from a technical standpoint, but it's a good thing I wasn't critiquing a restaurant that day). Plenty of gross aches and pains in the knees, hips and sometimes back. Difficult to focus on any but the grosser sensations. But I had been down this road many times and was determined to pay even more attention to sensations.

The afternoon seemed to go much better in terms of being able to really focus on sensations, both subtle and gross. By the beginning of day three, I was feeling like I had a clearer understanding and appreciation for the illusion of "I" than I've ever had before. The universal characteristics of annica, dhukka and anatta semed so obvious, so normal, that I wondered why it hadn't really struck me that way before. As I was walking back to my room from a sitting, these words suddenly popped into my head: "the lunacy of the illusion of self". Suddenly I felt like the earth was shifting under my feet and I had to put one hand on the wall next to me. Thought maybe I was going to faint. Felt wobbly for the next 30-45 seconds. I think I had had enough to eat and caught up on sleep, too, so not sure whether that incident is related to my enhanced appreciation of the three characteristics...?

As usually happens, the quality of my attention began to tail away as soon as we started talking again on day 3. Final few hours were a bit of a slog: the discourse was familiar, the chanting tiresome and hard to get enthusiastic about Goenka's style of metta practice. However, it felt like overall the 3 days were very worthwhile.

An aside: literally within minutes of first entering the dharma hall, my nose started running and I knew I was in for trouble. Sure enough, I was sniffling, coughing and generally spewing the entire time. Went through tons of tissue and surely distracted people sitting around me... sigh. The reason I mention this is two-fold. First, it reminded me of a story by the Australian dharma teacher Linda Claire, who described being really sick during the retreat when she had her big realization ( ) and said she essentially had to "just survive". I think it was actually helpful in emphasizing that we are really not in control of "our" bodies and that they are indeed of the nature to get sick, etc. Second, the Assistant Teacher (who I think is actually an MD) suggested that I may have gotten sick because of sankaras, that my body was "resisting purification". I don't get sick very often, but this was actually the second time during a retreat (thank god this wasn't for 10 days!). Would be interested in peoples' thoughts on this.

I personally believe that ailments can be psychosomatic. I generally resist (haha) the teachings on Sankaras... *for me* it seems like a quick path towards making yourself neurotic. I can have aversion or craving its no problem---As Long as I Dis-Embed!! Hope you get to feeling better and your practice continues to unfold...