mindful1983's practice notes

Take 2. Hello. Sorry about the first one. Thanks for the point well made, Giving it another shot.

Jul2
concentration has a sort of locked-in quality to it. i feel the point between where im locked into an object of my attention
or im turning away. I feel it as pressure in my third eye area. "letting go" or relaxing myself off the cushion or on the cushion frees up the base and sacral chakra the most. Its a big change from before, it feels hollow. my grip on my balls are hollow and it feels great. it frees up enough of the crown/third eye area as well, which brings me to another thing im enjoying right now, which is having enough feel of my third eye area to know when im concentrating too hard, which helps me not to burn myself out, a problem i was having since i started with my first A & P pre stream entry. Its like my attention is wide and loose enough to easen up when I feel I am
pushing too hard.

From about 11am to 4 pm in the afternoon, my concentration was locked in to a minor sort of joyless distressing
mind state. (aka dark night?) It wasn't that bad and I was able easen it by relaxing my third eye area.
As I talked to people on Yahoo messenger between those hours, I could feel the moment my concentration shifted from that joyless mindstate to a happier one, while connecting with that person/s. It felt like it was replaced.

I meditated for 30 mins in my lunchbreak earlier, I got sleepy about 2 times. When the sleepiness came in the 2nd time, I ended up riding the pleasent mind-clouding sensations for quite a while. Its the first time I consciously enjoyed the pleasure of it, even repeating it. The whole 30 minutes, I was trying to loosen up that "locked in" or tight feeling in my third eye area, as I felt that I was close to headache zone. That time last week, I had a bad headache

Dukkha has also been less. I feel like I'm hollow. On the personal thoughts category, off the cushion, ive been getting quite a few "im wasting my life doing useless things"

Jul3
Sitting in the morning started off sluggish, then a "new wave" of energy came in, felt as vibrations and tension that is felt as I inhale, "riding" the inhalation. I always have these samadhi inducing waves of energy, coming in from nowhere that sort of dissolve the current ignorance being felt. Is it an indicator of the insight cycle or just my metabolism and digestion? Whatever it may be, its the same as the first time I had it happen in my first Arising & Passing away experience pre-first path.

My main meditation practice is: letting go and relaxing the body while focusing on the breath and trying to ride the breath and the sensations of the whole body. I noticed though that this is hard to concentrate on since it is quite open with nothing to "lock-in to". I tried doing the witness. At times, my subconscious mind makes the witness occupy a point in space: The upper left space on top of my body, or the whole area around my body. I do notice the "locking in" or "vicara" of the witness practice, but havn't been able to hold it more than a few seconds.

I tried attempting to go thru the Jhanas by initially following the instruction of pinching your nose with imaginary fingers. Initial thoughts of self-doubt flooded me as I thought I really sucked at concentration. After about 20-30 seconds, I locked into what seemed like the 1st jhana (or is the proper way of saying it: I locked into an absorption) but it was only occupying a small space between my eyes, above my nose. A tiny space compared to what I remember experiencing before. I try to manipulate this state with contrasting between harder single pointed concentration/ expanding the area of awareness/ letting go and relaxing.

..continued from above

..My instinct told me that the point was to keep single pointed concentration steady while gradually expanding the area of awareness. Is this correct or do you just keep the area of focus the same size while just inclining the mind to whats next.

From a small area, I felt the absorption vibration area getting bigger, usually as I felt a shift in the feel of the state as well. It got about as big as the face, but inside the head. The strength of my concentration's hold on the absorption also got tighter and looser. During this time, there were several stray thoughts. As I continued to shift thru different states with different feels, one came where I still felt like I was only concentrated on a small area, but my body felt far away.

That's about as far as I went until the nearby construction noise started distracting me. I also have a fear of working on concentration practices because I have been known for burning myself out, so I'm afraid I might be concentrating too hard. I understand that this is probably exagerrating, since I probably strain my mind more when I'm doing daily things unmindfuly.
Something i noticed as I released from absorption was that the dissolving sort of showered down like fairy dust in disney movies.

Jul 4
life has been more relaxed. letting go is easier. i feel hollow and when i remember to hollow myself up, especially at times when i get cravings for sensual pleasures or aversion to the negativity coming from people/myself, the effect is stronger and the grip of the craving or negativity lessens. I feel like what It felt like pre-stream entry when I had strong Chi and was in Medium-High equanimity. Back then, the states lasted for hours to days. I didn't know how I had that much chi back then. Now I feel the calmness, but without the Chi. I feel the hollowness but without the chi. Back then it felt artificial, like i was far away, like there was a layer of Chi lubricating me like I was in this little ball where time was moving in 1/2 speed. it feels more natural this time, like im right here.

my meditation practice this morning started by: riding the breath & noting when im distracted, until i get to a samadhi or have steady vitaka, or steady hold of it. then i expand the breath to consume the whole body. after that, i test if i am stable enough to add the witness. I get to add the witness, this time it lasted longer. I Was able to hold it for about 30seconds-1 minute with few stray thoughts. Then I try to see if i am able to dissolve this witness and try pure awareness. When i shift to pure awareness, it sort of feels like when i started, riding the breath but have it consume the whole body. Except this time, theres less or what feels like no ego or "i". I also notice that as I shifted to Pure awareness, I was carried away upward by light. It had quite a strong pull. After several minutes, I lost my concentration and started again doing the witness, and then eventually trying to surrender again.

continued from above..

..I experience seeing strong auras after sitting, starting from about 2 months ago. I also saw colors today in my third eye area. Blue, sort of like a vibrating jigsaw puzzle.
I have been enjoying my interactions with people over the weekend. I've been learning a lot about the habits I have that are a set-up for negativity to occur. Having much more clarity and energy.

About to sit now for an hour and will write here after. . .
I did one hour. About 20 minutes of mind wandering and 20 minutes of playing back in my head what i'll write. My concentration power is weak right now. I lost energy towards the end of the sit, but dukkha is little so i sat with ease.
My meditation practice started with riding the breath. This didn't seem to work probably because my concentration power was weak. Its 6pm and I'm probably tired. I switched to just letting go, and hollowing up the center of my body, the root upto the crown chakra areas. Steady vitaka/samadhi/locked-in flow lasted only for seconds at a time.
I noticed that sometimes I catch "energizing oxygen" when i inhale, other times I don't. I dont know if this has to do with the quality of oxygen in the atmosphere, or if there's wind or not, or if it has something to do with me being blocked or not.
A technique i used to do a lot on the cushion that worked was to relax and hollow up my: shoulders, knees, elbows.
Now, I apply that to: inside of head, base chakra, whole spine area.

The feeling of sleepiness, the feeling of dukkha, the feeling of what Pema Chodron calls "shenpa" and "duzzies', my mind wandering.. the different feelings of the hindrances to meditation are starting to become familiar. I'm getting more familiar with the vibrations that i feel from interacting with other people too.

June 5
its 6am. got 3 hours sleep last night. Just when I thought that I was done with Chi burn outs, I am going to have to be careful today to avoid one. No sugar for me. My mind is sharp like a needle. Feels like Arising and passing away and I can already feel myself drying up.
The needle feeling loosened up after about 30 mins to an hour after waking up. That night had a lot of sharp thoughts. Like my dreams were so sharp, piercingly sharp that it kept me awake. The few times that I was conscious or lucid, I tried to relax and let go, but then more piercing thoughts kept flooding..

Was drying up until about lunchtime. Weak concentration. Right on cue, as I was sort of expecting, a new wave of energy came. At about 7pm, another wave of energy came and I felt very soft. Seeing auras throughout the day has been more obvious. Walking outside on the streets, relaxed, the whole place seemed very aura'ey. Slight Alex Grey'ish, but nothing that spectacular.

I've been noticing the vibrations that I feel with interactions with people again. Feels more subtle.

Sat for 10 minutes during lunch. throughout the day, my main mood was excitement and stimulation.

August 1.

The week before this, Ive been getting a lot of 'jolts' or 'tingles' all over the body. It feels like the Chi has been allowed to flow in and those parts have been unblocked. After feeling the tingle, my neck and spine jolts up out of probably shock. These are minor and dont know if theyre important, but they've been happening in random places, legs, butt, etc. just thought it was worth noticing and writing.
Meditation time for me has been sitting on the toilet. Very uncool sounding, but this has been the most practical and time saving. Since the informal setting, the sitting sessions also havn't been that intense, about 10-30 minutes. Aside from that I also sit about 20 minutes during lunch and about 40 minutes on some days after work. I do noting while focusing on the abdomen/whole body, try a bit of 'the witness' but not lasting that long, and then move on to just letting go and maintaining awareness and trying to be objectless.
Perception has been getting clearer and clearer. My chakras looser and looser. My head has felt a lot looser. Feelings of compassion have been strong these past weeks on some occasions. After a meditation session, I would feel it with great force. I would reflect on the buddhist concept of Bodhicitta or great aspiration, then I would experience what feels like a big bang & blackhole happening, kind of like how Shinzen Young describes expansion and contraction at the same time.. and with it the feeling of compassion, mixed sometimes with a little fear of losing that compassion.
..

This morning I've felt some what I think are fruitons. I'm not sure cause I don't feel it. I can just tell by a sort of 'jump' in my vision. I'm typing something, staring at the screen, and then all of a sudden, a discontinuity happens, and the mouse pointer jumped a few inches. I remember experiencing that maybe 3 or more times or so last night to this morning, if i remember correctly.
Last night was a dark night that I spent at home. The dark night was felt by having really poor continuity of concentration or willpower.. but awareness was there. I felt aware of things happening really well. When trying to resist a food craving, I would try to meditate while the food is heating up in the toaster. Surprisingly, letting go has been way easier than it has been before. I just let go and in a couple of seconds, I feel hollow and calm. But then, when I stop doing that, the craving pulls its momentum back in full force. Another thing I've been noticing is the tension and vibrations that stir up everytime I click a link. The impatience doesn't grip me and my automatic response is being conditioned to 'letting go' everytime this is happening. Everytime I do these clicking steps, thoughts also i am seeing to be in the process of stirring up and forming, sometimes feeling only half-formed and then discontinued. I'm feeling the vibrations stirring up as I click around facebook Links and making comments, etc.

I remember Shinzen Young's story of when his car got stolen and he described his feeling of experiencing a tidal wave of vibrations flowing out of him.. That's kinda how I feel, very vibrationy.
I had a salad and coffee with my family this noontime. It felt really weird coz I suddenly felt like my perception shifted sitting with them. I wondered for a moment if I reached 4th path, but not in amazement or excitement, more of strong skepticism thinking "hmphh. of course not, by no means haha."
But the experience continued and yes, im in equanimity nana right now. yes, my concentration ability is strong right now. yes, when I let go, i feel hollow. I dont feel any particular tension in my head chakras, however i dont feel like they're open. I havnt experienced them popping.. Hmm.. Now that im paying attention to my head, i do feel like theres something there, but it doesn't feel heavy.. "I" don't feel very important right now. Again, aloofness or sort of not feeling the mental-soap-opera drama of being me.

My brain processes or reactions seem to feel unknotted, my ability to perceive them seem to be easier today. They seem to present themselves more clearly. Today i have very strong sensitivity to my body feelings. I feel like when I see resistance, aversion or nagging mental discomfort stirring up, I am able to easily relax and ease up my body so as to eradicate that resistance, aversion or nagging mental discomfort.
Craving on the other hand, I've felt today and that one is much tougher. It presents itself as a sharp and Fast piercing feeling, hard to catch, and not felt all over the body. More of like, in the throat, or I can't tell. Maybe this part of me is still very congested with ignorance and thats why I can't catch it.

Keep up the good work...

Thanks a lot Clayton!

-

Was in A & P last night. Did some dynamic, yoga & meditation. Had a very peaceful sleep and peaceful morning. One of the most peaceful i've been in a couple of months.

That morning, I ran out of Chi. What I usually feel as "Chi burn-out", heaving a head-ache, being very sluggish, unconcentrated, feeling "dead", having no psychic energy, no attention, no ability to lock into a concentrated state, no ability to find interest or enough joy into doing something and enjoying it enough to sustain and keep doing it.

So, this time, running out of Chi felt OK. It's like the A & P was so Wide, panoramic, and clinging was much weaker that when the Chi finally ran out and died out, there was not much suffering and bouncing back was easy.

Letting go & finding the present moment is much easier. The time it takes me to get deep into meditation surprises me, both on the cushion and in daily life.

2 tips that I've been doing to myself to jumpstart getting deep are:
1) Tell myself "Just this moment. You don't need to do it for the next 10 minutes. Just this moment. 3 seconds only. And, unlike before... It works, because thats just about how much time I need to get deep enough to regain peacefulness.
2) Draw compassion for myself. Turn the light of attention to myself, Accept myself, especially my Shadow. Much of my everyday Ignorance is perpetuated and spinning with the feeling of Guilt, therefore this lifts a heavy load right away!

Beginning to jump starting my lifestyle & practice again. Yoga, exercise & a lot of raw foods are a help.

Up until now, my walking meditation practice while commuting and doing ordinary stuff was more of being with an object like my feet or whatever I was doing, now I feel more at home with trying to have beginner's mind. Had a cool experience this morning walking, saw a child jumping up and down excitedly. Very picture perfect.

There have also been a couple of times when feelings of anger, feeling self-conscious, other discomforting feelings have come and gone just like that. It's like, I know Im angry, I feel the anger, then it just disappears, and I try to force "Love" even if I don't want to! and surprisingly, it works..There have been times when I felt disappointed.. like I was expecting something more. And then it reminded me that the changing of my karma still has to come from me. Now ill put these paths to the test.. Be doing some dirty laundry in a bigger washing machine

today i am in A&P. started eating a lot of raw veggies/fruits and feeling the + effects. stronger chi, mental clarity, strength, etc.. amazing benefit, and great for insight.

Doing meditation today, Noting no-self has been interesting. When i find the tension in th head that made up "I", I bounced somewhere else. Then i put attention there, then "I" bounces off somewhere else. Sorta Yoyo like. "I" is still distinct but it feels like there's not much left! For the whole day today, I havn't lost mindfulness and I felt that I was in the present moment throughout. I feel things as vibrations, where before i would get distracted. This is a big deal.

Did a bit of the AF PCE practice and found it interesting as well. It reminded me of 'equanimity' or the 4th jhana. My impression of it is that it is a concentrated state. It feels like im in the 4th jhana. Anyhow, i still try to make my default state 'beginners mind' or empty mind, as it feels the lightest.

compassion vs. mindfulness.

some days i feel more inclined to what i think is reacting with compassion to situations. For example,
When talking to people, or even inanimate objects. For instance, a tree falls, and instead of
not reacting or just being mindful, I sort of embrace the tension of my reaction with this "Ohh". I don't know if
it is karuna, but it feels the same. This seems not like an issue until after a while of doing
that, the habit leads me to embrace all sorts of other situations with that 'doing', which
causes sort of a "hardening". karuna after all is a concentrated state. So what tends to happen
is, the hardening mixes with other negative or crude emotions like anxiety, and the more I
habitually do it, the more I potentially burn myself out or harden myself up.

I may be noticing this now because I am reaching the A & P stage and this is what often
happens. Therefore, I learn that compassion as a reaction is good, but mindfulness is also good, and
neither one is better than the other, they both have their pros & cons and should each be
used depending on what's needed at the time.

aug12

yesterday, 149 pm, i felt a shift.. then a merging with surroundings that i felt during equanimity nana
mostly pre-first path, nearing 1st path.. after that i felt more aware and felt a perspective
shift...

that night, afflictions seemed to be coming full force.. my thoughts were so loud.. i try to release
and let them go as much as i can but they seem to be unpenetratable, and they just keep coming..
like, i can contain them.. keep them bearable, but not eliminate them.. then after a couple of hours,
a new mini-cycle washes some of it away, and my thoughts quiet down for a while..
today, 1:21 pm, thoughts are really loud again. it's like im face to face with thoughts, eye to eye
i believe this is a good thing because it means its a prelude for eradicating ignorance

ive been feeling pressure in my third eye chakra, and i feel like theres little left.
i really thought i felt Done.. but i still feel theres something left.. but i still feel
done... but it still feel theres something left... but i still feel done! i read that this
feeling is common in 3rd path..
i feel gone. i can't find myself when i look for myself... but i still seem to have a pretty
big and selfish ego. oh there i am.. there's little of me left. and i feel I in my third eye
chakra.. its feels way thin. reality feels thin.. and slippery.

afflictions and negative momentum continues to roll on as it did.. just that its felt as vibrations +
thought forms, like half formed internal imagery and sounds

right now, 1:30pm, it seems to be slowing and relaxing, dissolving a bit.. breathing.. the tightness
seems to be loosening a bit..

the word that came up describing last night and this morning is "knots". it really feels like each stressful
and ignorant interaction or action are the loosening and tightening of Knots. thats how it

feels

an effective and fast ignorance dissolver for me is reflecting on pre-stream entry strong sits
and the strong determination and positive state of mind i had in some memories. i find it
important to 'capture' good memories as they feel like they trigger the old body memories and mind
memories to correct my current state of mind.

i feel like water.. ripply water.. i feel how one thought influences another and how everything
seems to connect and push each other. so much stuff feel like they're happening at the same time,
one on top of the other. at some moments i feel like how i felt right before getting first path
right now i feel like im merging again.. ok thats over.

i feel like the reason why its so hard for me to lose awareness is becoz the ignorance left in
the head is so thin. with each moment from now

my thoughts and intentions are so strong my grip is so loose and i see them so clearly that at any given interaction,
i feel guilt becoz i easily create bad intentions. is it just now or do i always do it? i think i always
am doing the same thing its just that its so vivid thats why it causes so much guilt.

728pm, what a dark night this afternoon. havn't felt that bad since this time last year in the couple of days
before 2nd path.

the dark night pre first path was more of terror and pain. the dark night pre 2nd path was more horrible
and sad

its been a while since i posted, heres what transpired since..

i feel my third eye chakra is almost done and i am feeling my crown.

my intuiton has increased major bigtime.
my perception towards energy has also increased bigtime
i feel a connection when talking to people, i feel it on the top of their heads sometimes
like there was a light connecting them to the heavens, and me at the same time

i have been trying to learn reiki, as well as have learned another trance healing dance called inner dance

i have used the reiki 'attunement' technique and applied it to my practice as well.
how? well it started when i realized that a big part of me that i haven't developed in my meditation journey was my connection with the heavens. "father sky". like the other paths, christianity, shamanism, pagan paths, vajrayana, its this connection that gives power, its a source of power, courage, solidity, and its this connection that ive been trying to develop.

a thing that struck me also in reiki is "GRATITUDE" as its central attitude. and it just hit me that gratitude is just the allowing of love to come to us. compassion is just the continuation of that love that we allow to pass thru us. the perfection is to be "one" in form with this love. this perfection is thru wisdom.

i try to take the reiki self-attunement teachings and apply it to my practice, by trying to connect with oneness and let my intuiton flow and reveal to me what i need to do, and ask for whomever spirits, bodhisattvas, any powers in the cosmos who wish to help me, help me and flow through me. this feels like an alpha-state trance like meditation state where wisdom is developed and a connection with my human psyche is also deepened.

the essence of tantra resonates with me now.
aside from that my interests are to become good healer & read ppl's chakras accurate

i do not know if this intuitive approach and access to it is something that 3rd path is bringing, or if it is from my other practices.

in terms of 'what's left', i feel as though i am close. my estimate is that in about a month's time, i'll be done. Of course, I have no clue.. i may be off bigtime. i may not even be 3rd path. but this is what i feel.

Oh, another thing that has been a HUGE difference in the past 2 weeks while the third-eye blockages have been dissolving. "Thought Forms" seem to be separate. Prior to this, thought forms were deceivingly the same as experience, and not in my wildest dreams would i ever think that they could be experienced this separately!

Sounds really fun and cool! More grist for the mill

We want to be free in heaven and hell. My tooth hurts today (pain, aversion, discomfort, freedom, laughter, pain, pain, tingling).

grist for the mill - everything can be made useful, or be a source of profit

haha had to google that. thanks Mu for reading and encouragement! : )

one thing that i hadn't developed since then was intuiton. It seemed alien to me,

On the talking to yourself technique, i think they don't really have that in Vipassana, nor in Zen, do they. In Vajrayana, I'm not sure either.

there are so many paths to enlightenment, and i guess a part of me was feeling the 'toll' that the very straightfoward, structured, yang path of Vipassana has been taking on me. the feeling like needing to take a break from it and explore other fresh ways

best wishes to your tooth! discomfort sucks for me, but when fear hits me that i could lose my tooth or it could be serious, it connects me with compassion.

When fear hits me I note it and note it and note it