out of the long dark night

Greetings all. I've been working with Kenneth for a few weeks now, and per his suggestion, I figured now is a good time to
finally de-lurk and post my recent experiences.

A few years back I was listening to the Buddhist Geeks podcast and heard the Daniel Ingram interviews.
The idea that enlightenment was an actual thing that real people could accomplish struck me, so I began doing insight practice
in ernest and hanging out over at dharma punx in NYC.

I had a few interesting openings - big light show type events which Kenneth confirmed were A&P. Eventually, through a close
friend of mine, I began to practice over at Dai Bosatu Zendo (part of the zen studies society).
I made it through a couple of sesshins. Barely. Rinzai Zen has a habit of throwing people right in the deep end of the pool
as the introduction. During my second retreat, I believe I again crossed the A&P, pushed through the dark night and got 1st Path.
Shortly after that, during the same retreat , I probably (though I'm still working all this out) crossed the A&P again.
It was somewhat of a busy week.

Returing to the world, everything was amazing. Food tasted better, everything was more alive and luminous. My mind stopped
running around in some really useless old patterns. I no longer mistook a thing and the name of the thing, if that makes any sense.
I was lost in the simple joy and bliss of "Just This". For a while.

So here's the thing about temporary states. They are temporary. Painfully, embarassingly temporary. Before too long I was back in the
dark night. This time I was stuck. Zen has this habit of not telling you where you are in terms of progress.
You are, in a way, just left to drift. This is in some respects very useful, it keeps people from obsessing over maps.
Contrariwise, if you are really lost and don't have ready access to the Roshi, it can leave you feeling totally
unstable and without direction.

My last year sucked. Hard. The kind of suck that makes one want to escape to a Zendo up in the mountains. If I hadn't landed my
current gig, I know I would be up there now. Which makes it very fortunate indeed that I got my current gig, given
the current state of the Zen Studies Society. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Where was I? Right, back to the intense sucking that was my life. The whining cast iron heat of suck that is nanas 6-10.
It was all about anexity, depression, fear, compulsion. Trashing relationships. Pissing everybody off. Wallowing in self hatred.
But I had abandoned the maps. I was a proto zen master, wasn't I? I don't need no steenking maps. I all honesty, I was being a
massive wanker.

Re-reading the warnings about dark night territory would have proably saved me a ton of pain.

Eventually, after figuring out that a combination of half-hearted attempts at establishing a daily practice (I'd pretty much stopped
meditating to try and escape), obsessive powerlifting (though my butt looks pretty good now) and therapy were really not
solving the basic problem, I resolved to do something different. It was about this time that the Zen Studies Society exploded in yet another
scandal. I won't rehash it here, skillful speech and all. Suffice to say, it was enough to make me realize that the Sangha was
really sick, and I couldn't continue practicing there. Got to say though I hope they can get through this period. There are some
really skilled and amazing people there, without whom I would have gotten nowhere. I deeply love that place. I hate that it's all screwed
up over there now.

But I digress.

It was about this time I started working with Kenneth. I emailed him, filled him in on the details and commited to a daily
practice in a manner suggesting that my ass was on fire. Which it was. A burning miasma of dark night ass fire.

Kenneth advised me to do begin with breath counting using the motions of the outbreath at the hara as my focus.
I was to contiune this util I could get three rounds of 1-10 without getting lost. Then, I was to begin noting.

It worked. So long as I kept returning to the bare sensations of my reality, whatever they happened to be during the
sit, bordeom - pain - tension - itch - itch - itch - (Lots of itching to note) - coolness - rising - falling, I wound up moving
through the jhanic arc.

I also kept up attention during the day, (especially during my commute) to the bare sensations that make up my reality and noting them as
they happen. After a few weeks, I'd built up some serious momentum. I had finally broken out of the dark night and in to the 11th nana,
equanimity. Equanimity, I must say, rocks. It's like a comfy sofa into which you can sink, not really caring if the sensations
are pleaseant, unpleaseant, or neutral. During my day, I felt cooler than Brue Lee lounging around on attractive beach
furniture.

To give an idea of the usual sit, here's one of the daily reports I emailed to Kenneth:

---

Hi Kenneth,

Began sit with 4 rounds of breath counting, seemed to get into jhana pretty deep despite nagging allergies. Switch to noting from there. Trying to note, and seeming to be able to, with much greater speed and precision. Really rocketed up to equanimity in record time. Almost missed dark night territory until I hit desire for deliverance.

During noting in equanimity, I began to perceive the exquisite comfort of the state. Comfort - comfort - comfort. Almost hard to find anything else to note. No thoughts to speak of. Almost startled by the extreme silence and loss of body sensations.

Kept noting comfort and then began to notice spaciousness becoming dominant over comfort and ease. Went on for a few moments and slipped back down to dominant sensations of comfort again.

Began to note self-contraction, again around eyes and neck. Starting to seem less of a solid wall and more pulsing. Eventually got to a point that seemed like "I" wasn't meditating anymore when I tuned into the transience of the sensations of the self-contraction. Hung out there for a few minutes, then booked it back down the jhanic arc. Almost felt like I was being yanked back by a bungie cord to access concentration. Fun.

---

Yesterday, I had a skype video conference with Kenneth. He suggested that we try meditation together, each of us reporting in turn the
sensations that came up. Back and forth we went up through the jhanic arc.

He started.

"Pressure, tension, fluttering, expansion... etc"

and I did likewise. Up we went, describing in turn the change of sensations as layers of mind we penetrated.
During the A&P we both noted the light strobing around the eyes. During dissolution, we noted feelings of coolness
and expansion. Going through fear, noted sensations of the creepshow. Misery was also noted with all the painful phsycial sensations.
Disgust was noticed as (at least for me) the awareness of a particularily large lunch I had previously consumed, sitting rocklike in
my stomach. On through desire for deliverance and the antsy twitching and intensity of re-observation.

Equanimity was noted together as a feeling of spaciousness and peace. Percieved as a stable resting point.
Typically, at this point I would begin to explore the sensations of the witness, but Kenneth said this was a bad route.
I was getting drawn into the formless realms, I could see the edges of infinite space. I was told to try and come back
to the sensations of equanimity and see if I could notice a pulsing, throbbing sensation around the eyes.
I tuned into it. Kenneth then asked if it was possible to see the places where that "stutter" sensation stopped.

Here are the next few messages:

---

Reality feels like it just got pressure washed.

I remember having the blank out feeling at the end of my last retreat.

wow.
Something just shifted. Can't tell you what. Thank you so much.
-o

---

Tell me more!

K

---

I began to focus on it. Our hour was about up and Kenneth had to go, but he told me to hang out in the state as long as I wanted.
Eventually, something really fun happened. It wasn't what I expected. The only way I can describe it is that, when I tuned into
the gap between the stuttering and strobing sensations, I noticed a hole. Then - blip - I was back. Nothing really more I can say
about it. I slowly came out of the sit with the sensation that reality was reforming around me. As if it were really just gone for a second.

---

So I get why those are referred to as discontinuities. There was just a very bare sense of an observer, and for a then for a moment... wait moment is the wrong word. Can't explain it. Just a thump thump thump thump... gap ... thump thump thump thump.

Came out of it after a bit and it felt like reality reforming, had the sense of making my entire sensate world. Like it was actually gone. Everything now looks very clean, sharp. Highly focused.

Not anywhere the drama of and A&P. I remember this happened before when I passed my last Koan.
Also vague memories of similar phenomenon in and out of the sleep state.

Right now my mind feels so incredibly sharp. Get the feeling I could plow through any kind of mental task. I feel really rather powerful. Also a touch lonely, looked though my contacts for a bit trying to find somebody other than you I could talk to about it. But who would believe it? Reality has HOLES in it!

I say again: WOW.

So curious now. Where do you think I am, at least pertaining to the maps? Heh, now I'm getting map obsessed. Yet another thing to note.

Kind of want to do just keep cycling through the nanas. Formless realms seem super fun.

Thanks again. Much gratitude.
-o

---

It was a Mahasi-style fruition, Owen. Funny, because I felt certain that you would have a fruition (aka cessation) today given how closely you were able to follow along and how clearly you were able to see the strobing. That means that you are at least a stream enterer (1st Path), but possibly 2nd Path as of tonight. In other words, since you have had these before, we know this was not your 1st Path moment. So there are two possibilities: it was either a review of 1st Path, or the actual Path moment of 2nd Path. If it feels like a significant, life-changing if subtle shift in perspective, it was 2nd Path. A review fruition would not change your perspective at all, it would just feel good for a few seconds.

Please share your experience on the forum as soon as possible before you forget it! Write down every detail you can remember. You will find lots of fellowship with the other yogis, all of whom either have been where you are or would like to be. You can quote anything I have said or written to you.

Congratulations!

Kenneth

---

So that's basically my story. Since the fruition, I've felt like I have a screaming nexus of energy behind my eyes to the top of my head.
Stayed up half the night staring at the ceiling.
Everthing is very, very clear. Still trying to sort it all out. I think whether I'm 1st or 2nd path will reveal itself before too long. All I can say for sure is I feel a big shift has happened.

In closing, intense gratitute to Kenneth and all the others who have supported my practice. It feels so good to get out of the dark night.

Owen, this is a phenomenal practice report. Thank you for taking the time to write it up.

It's sounds like 2nd path to me, for two reasons. First, as Kenneth mentioned, you (A) have experienced something like this before, and ( this fruition seems to be life/perspective changing.

Second, that "screaming nexus of energy" behind the eyes is a classic 2nd path symptom. It can end up being rather uncomfortable, if not utterly painful for some people, which makes them fear that it will somehow stay that way. Others don't really have a problem with it for whatever reason. Either way, it clears up after a time.

Of course, my diagnosis is in no way official. Just calling it like I see it. I look forward to any future updates you post to the forum.

Thanks again, and congrats!
~Jackson

EDIT: Grammar.

Hey thanks for writing this report. I enjoy reading about accounts of gaining path.

Yeh, I concur with Jackson and Kenneth. Welldone, mate!
Most of my practise notes are about me going through 2nd path crazy days, hall of mirrors. So have a look and read it. If you experience any crazy energetic phenomena like the third eye headaches and the dreaded "iron skull cap" hehe!....and what the fractal is going on with these cycles within cycles?, know that you aren't alone in having those experiences.

Once again, well done and cool report!

Thanks guys!
Yeah, "iron skull cap" sounds about right. It has lessened during the day, but right after it was intense. I told Kenneth that my mind feels like a laser and a flamethrower just had babies.
I get the sense that this is going to be one a hell of a trip.

"I get the sense that this is going to be one a hell of a trip. "

I'd say so...

"Hold on to your butts!"

Nice. Fascinating. I have a feeling your must have a background in writing or some other creative/verbal occupation.

"But who would believe it? Reality has HOLES in it!"-OwenBecker

"Nice. Fascinating. I have a feeling your must have a background in writing or some other creative/verbal occupation. "

Nah, I'm a Unix sysadmin.
But thanks for the kind words, glad you enjoyed it.

""But who would believe it? Reality has HOLES in it!"-OwenBecker

"

Yeah, no clue how to explain this to anybody. I keep walking around with this fun little half smile. I think people (coworkers) are beginning to get a bit wigged out. I'm convinced that the formless jhanas will be super for those really long meetings. To be fair, they kind of feel like that anyway, except for the serenity thing.

Thank you again. So, so much.

I can't believe the Zen Studies Society still even EXISTS with all the scandal and bad publicity it has had for so long. Amazing.

Congrats Owen, this is a great summary. Glad to have another fellow zen student here, and a fellow New Yorker as well!

Hey guys, watching this thread all day at work. Big thank you to everybody for all your support. I'm going to keep this going as a daily practice log. Now for 3.

Hey Owen nice to meet youl. It does sound like 2nd path. 2nd path for most of us had a lot of weird chakra pain. I wouldn't worry to much about having to leave a 'real world' sitting group. I went from being a chronic yogi when I got here to path, and beyond with no regular sangha save KFD. Get ready for the golden chains of anagamihood. : ) Practice dilegently

Owen, thanks to you and Kenneth for this amazing report. As someone just working up aspiration for 1st path (belief that it is possible), this is really inspiring.

Awesome, inspiring--and funny!--report, Owen. Thanks!