Integration and the Double Edged Sword

So this important topic was brought up by Chris and briefly talked about by Kenneth in Chris's notes. I would love to hear how some advanced yogis or anyone for that matter on the path has experienced awakening and the awakening process to be a double edged sword.

One thing I am feeling is perhaps the trickle of the desire to not work...I'm on holiday so it might be because of that...hehe, but Chris touched on it in his notes weeks back.

Kenneth, could you give us some examples from your own life if it's not too personal? It would make this double edged sword become clearer for me. How does one use their own awakening to hide from their life?

Nick

Ditto...

This is a very important topic. One of the great things about the dark night is that it teaches you or shows you very clearly how you want to experience one side of things but not the other. If you pay close attention to this process--and that seems to be something that awakening itself absolutely demands of us--you will start to see that there are all kinds of things in your life that you are avoiding, and that sometimes the path itself, or at least the idea of it, is what you're using as a means of avoidance. When I was in my 20s, I was the guy who opened up the dharma center before everyone else got there, and was the last to leave. Meanwhile, I was avoiding using my degree, overcoming my fear of being rejected in a relationship--all kinds of stuff. I had turned the practice and path into an escape in a way that I could no longer stomach.
But part of the reason I could no longer stomach this was that the practice and path were saying to me, "Step into that place of discomfort and FACE those fears. That is the path."
So I actually did this. I sucked it up and faced what were for me some very serious fears. This bore fruit immediately.
However, this double-edged sword is quite sharp. You have to be careful. I was right in the dark night about this time, without knowing it, and I just decided I would give up the dharma and meditation altogether, that I had had enough of it. There was a lot involved in that decision, but I decided to go for broke and jettison the whole thing. I donated my dharma books and cushion and said, "I'm going to work on my life and on becoming a normal person and not one of these people who live for this place and have no life."
There was a middle way there: Continue participating, but work on your stuff and life. That's not what I chose. I can't say I regret this. What's done is done, but I went through some painful years of binge-drinking and fits of anxiety. [cont.]

[cont.]
Now I'm practicing again, and so grateful for having righted the ship and for this community in particular.