hearsbirds practice notes

Sitting 45 minutes in chair. Trouble settling in. Counting breaths wandering thoughts counting breaths wandering thoughts counting breaths counting breaths. Settling. Crows cawing. Neighbor with power saw. Breath rising falling abdomen. Breath cool going in nostrils. Breath warm coming out of nostrils. Breath in abdomen rolling body waves from abdomen. tension behind left eye. little sparks behind left eye. moves to right eye. strobes back and forth from left to right. left big toe energy throb. don't like it. saliva. swallowing. left eye energy. left toe. left eye. left leg energy tingling. left leg. tension in back between shoulder blades. heat in back between shoulder blades, back of heart chakra. starts moving slowly down spine heat tension heat tension moving down to waist. hip bones sinking into chair. feeling my weight on the chair. left big toe throbbing tingling moving up leg. left leg cool. right leg warm. right big toe tingling throbbing. right leg warm. back tension again. neck tight. relaxing. spine relaxing. from head & shoulders down to sitting bones. muscles in back feel strong energy, not pain. mind deepens. sitting noting but not remembering now what was noted. timer bell rings. slow coming out.

Sitting 45 minutes in chair. Took longer to settle down. Lost count several times. Eventually settled into rising and falling of abdomen. Sound of breath in nostrils and windpipe. Mucus. Mainly noted energy moving around the body. Noted thrill of energy movement especially in shoulders upperback neck. Body expanding and contracting with the breath. Pleasant sensations. Thought energy was balancing to support sitting better, stronger back. Noted sensation of shirt on back. Tension behind eyes. Visual effects behind eyes, colored "reverse images" of eye. Some energy movements in legs with breathing. Again, expansion and contraction with legs. Pleasant sensations. Some big toe energy noted. Noted not so unpleasant as usual. Posture adjustments as neck, back and shoulders relaxed and came into better alignment with gravity. Noted thinking. Towards the end of the sitting it occurred to me that there is no difference between thinking and sensations. Awareness just moves around here and there. Awareness is everywhere. Mind focusses awareness here and there. Believing that awareness is "me" happens, as in "my thoughts", "my sensations", "my thigh". Very interesting how that happens, want to look into that more.

"Mind focusses awareness here and there. Believing that awareness is "me" happens, as in "my thoughts", "my sensations", "my thigh". Very interesting how that happens, want to look into that more."

Since that question arose yesterday I have had two intense dreams -- very unusual for me recently. One about extreme emotional pain and anger, and the other about wandering and being lost in a maze of streets with no identifying papers -- no drivers' license, no credit cards, no wallet.

The first dream really shook me. I was screaming at my mother who has been dead for 20 years: "You just want to hurt me. You can't do this to me. You hate me." At the end of the dream I could see her cowering in the corner, frightened of me, bewildered and terribly hurt by what I was screaming. Then I woke up. I wondered if I really believed that. No. It was a dream within a dream. But that emotional charge between mother and daughter was part of how I formed an identiy -- the me I believed was real.

The 2nd dream involved my ex-husband, whom I haven't seen in 25 years. I was visiting him at our old house when his (new) wife and kids came home (a recurring dream I used to have but have not had in several years). I got up to leave, but saw that my car was boxed in the driveway. There were loads of cars and children taking a tour of the garden. I decided to leave on foot. Got lost in the gardens, then got out to the streets, but the streets were a maze. I just kept heading downhill. Finally, I walked into a house. When I realized someone was home I started to leave, but the woman came out to see who was there. I said, "I'm sorry, you must be very frightened. I don't know why I came into your house. I'm very lost." She took me to a store to get some cash so I could get home, where I discovered I didn't have my wallet or anything to identify me.

Both dreams seem to be in response to the question of how belief in identity is formed.

Sat 45 min. in chair. Count breaths until settled. Noted breath in nostils. rising falling abdomen. tickle/itch right shoulder blade. tension in shoulder. relax. tension in brows. relax. brightness behind eyes. lights behind eyes. pressure/compression of thighs on chair & sitting bones on chair. energy in feet. energy in legs. crows cawing. neighbor with power saw. birds squaking. squeaky sound outside. what is it? sound of wi-fi cycling. thoughts about women in my pulmonary rehab class. energy in upper back/shoulders. adjust posture. clear throat. feeling of energy throughout body. crows cawing. mental smile at sound. squeaking sound outside -- identify it as cat on squeaky rocking chair on patio. consciousness seems to be cycling around through field of awareness -- here and there. just sweeping around, nothing special. body energy feels strong. heard pulse/ringing in ears. noted inside and outside body -- sounds outside, energy inside. sounds heard in head makes energy in head.

Wow, you do hear birds!

Love your reporting style.