Cul's notes

September 1st

Sat for 30 minutes this evening with a small group. I noticed gross vibrations in the 3rd eye area with little else happening. Then the vibrations became subtle and I had some pulsing in my brow. Also noted persistent subtle vibrations in both arms. Noticed the absences of the usual itching and surface sensations I've been getting lately. About 15 minutes in, I felt a strong tingling at one small spot just inside the ear. This sensation grew stronger until the rim of my inner ear went "wild" with vibrations (for lack of a better term). Just after that, I felt a burst of energy rush from my head down through my arms and out my finger tips. It was like a cool wave of tingling that I've never felt before. My eyes popped open and I almost jumped/flew off the cushion. It was so startling, I felt totally self-conscious and had to guide myself back to a state of calm with some self-talk, "You are not a reactor. Whatever arises just notice it." Difficult to still my mind after that but began to notice random itching and pulsing as usual.

This is my first report after initial meeting with Kenneth.
itching right cheek, deep muscle pull in wrist, stretching, gas pain, pulsing eyebrow, blissful feeling, tingling ankle, neutral, pulsing eyebrow curious, planning thought, ruminating thought, pain in foot, itch in right calf, itch in cheek, twitching eyebrow, hearing thought, gas bubble, tingling inner ear, tingling other ear, noting of noting, twitching eyebrow, warm calm, imaging thought, clearer imaging, wakeful dreaming, itching, pulsing, self-conscious thought, itching, itching, itching growing, itching shifting, tingling neutral, gas pain unpleasant, itching, pain in foot, deep tissue ache in arm, pressure on seat, twitching face annoying, tingling thigh, funny thought, very pleasant nothingness, blissful nothingness, itching in five spots at once, warmth and joy, tingling upper and lower cheek, pleasure again, sensation of the breathe, tingling, self-conscious thought, planning thought, caring thought, itching on both cheeks, emptiness, gurgling, itching, tingling, twitching brow unpleasant, itching unpleasant, calm pleasant, warmth unpleasant, coolness pleasant, itching unpleasant, pressure neutral, worried thought, redirecting thought, stretching neutral, itching inner ear, tingling on arm, itching on knees, tingling where itch had been, tightness in eyebrow, ache in wrist, pain in abdomen, coolness pleasant, itching ankle, itch growing, itch shrinking, tingling, tingling and itching, planning thought, hearing thought, wave of visual white circle, outline of circle, white rainbow faded, visual thought, tingling in both legs, itching ankle, hearing thought, cool pleasant, itch unpleasant, twitching eyebrow, curious thought, tired thought, eyebrow twitching, leg itch, pressure in ear, itching-tingling-pressure all at once, tingling knuckle, tingling toe, tingling toe growing, tingling knuckle growing, finger and toe and ear tingling

Cul, this is awesome and very detailed. You can let go of the labels for things like "ear, eyebrow, ankle."

Well, it's been almost a year since my last journal entry. I'm still at it.

I tend to practice with dedication until the sensory stuff--especially vibrations about the face and crown of the head--scare me off. I've talked to enough people now that I'm realizing I need to push through various phases of bodily disturbances happening off the cushion. The latest was the feeling of floating half out of my body for a few weeks. A friend told me to counteract this by saying the word "grounded" to myself when it happens. Then I imagine that I'm literally grounded to the earth. That seems to be working for me. I'm trying to condition myself to tolerate new sensory experiences by using a mantra we share with preschool and kindergarteners, "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit." We'll see if that helps normalize the sensory stuff.

Have been sitting for 45 minutes each night this week. Last night with noting practice I had the sense that sensation, whether an itch, a pulse, an ache or vibration, floated in the air unsupported by a physical self.

Sat for 45 minutes tonight. Lot of pin-point itches that immediately turned to soft, expanding pools of cool tingling sensation when investigate. Some muscle fluttering or rapid-fire pulsing that was new. It is warm and humid here tonight and I felt waves of (unpleasant) heat wash across the skin. Strong vibrations encompassing the entire brow area that vanished when noted. Echo effect/ringing in ears.

I'm excited to have met JLaurel here. Turns out we've meditated together previously and live close enough to establish phone contact. Just when I needed a dharma friend, shazam! That's what is so great about this site. Connectivity.

I'll write again tomorrow. I need you guys.

Good to see you here, Colleen. I'm excited to have met you here too! I'm looking forward to hearing more about your practice, and to practicing with you.

Today I did 45 minutes of noting in "reclining Buddha" pose. I know a teacher who recommended "reclining Buddha" specifically.
I was walloped with mind states. I know I'm in greedy-craving mode right now. I didn't need to meditate to learn that. I spent the whole session noting craving and then releasing it, noting grasping and releasing it, noting annoyance with my noting and releasing it. Noted regret and released it. Noted detached awareness and released it.

In general, I'd classify my energy as restless but I just notice it and surrender to what's now. I did go for a run tonight and I noted all the shoe prints in the sand. A leaf flitted down and landed perfectly in a cup of sand. Noted that. Noted how soft clay is so giving to run on. Noted when the path turned to limestone and then shale. Noted the knee pain that came on while running on shale. Noted three baby bunnies. Noted my sacred spot. Noted back pain that came and went. Noted purple seed heads on the prairie grass. Noted Big Blue Stem. Noted wild bergamot and yellow cone flower. Noted the teepee on the prairie. Noted the path to the teepee. Noted my attraction to the path that led to the teepee. Noted the entrance to the teepee was low and round. Noted the teepee was womb-like inside. Noted the moist ground inside the teepee. Noted my yoga poses inside the teepee. Noted my restlessness, knee pain and back pain had faded on the jog back to the car. Noted more greed-craving. Noted compassion for myself and tried to release the urge to want.

Lot of suffering today related to finances. I took a pay cut by default. Health insurance premiums went up. Seriously, 2/3 of my meager income goes to health insurance. I bring home about enough for groceries. I wonder if I should move to another part of the country. My husband is not open to change of any kind. If I move, I'd have to go alone and there would be a battle, and more importantly, serious heartache for my kids. I'm reminded of Pema Choden and her dharma talks about ringpa (sp?) and the need to stay with whatever makes you want to run. It's not that I want to run away from anything. I think I need to move in the direction of income that can sustain life. Where the hell is that? I must have created some serious bad karma in a previous life related to employment because I have more degrees and certificates than any of the locals and good jobs just don't manifest for me. So, this is suffering, my old familiar friend. This is lack. This is scarcity. This is emptiness. I accept. Am I making the problem bigger than it really is? Yes and no. Do I have enough to get by now. Yes. Do I want to just skim by for the rest of my life? No. How might I change this? I'm not sure. I've applied for an endless number of jobs. I've given the sales pitch to every HR director I can think of. I've done all I can. Releasing. Allowing. Accepting. Hoping. Story spinning. Calm. Calm. Trusting. Breathing. Melting. Tenderness. Pleasant. Smiling. Pleasant. Sadness. Neutral. Stoicism. Pleasant. Friends like you, dear reader, pleasant. Toughness. Coolness. Calm. Metta. Tears. Nose drip. Neutral. Drama. Unpleasant. Calm. Pleasant. Time to sit offline now. Pleasant.

Colleen, so sorry you're going through this awful stress. The urge to bolt and run is something with which I'm well familiar. You and I should sit together in the next couple of days. Metta.

Thanks for the metta, Laurel. To clarify, I don't want to cut and run; I want to land a job that helps me support my children. I seriously should consider moving, but the whole idea is messy. Better to live in the moment. I spent the morning chopping fruit and fresh herbs and sanding the wood columns I primed yesterday. The smell of basil, lemon and garlic is grounding. Sanding and painting projects are great schools for mindfulness. And, I tried a new salad recipe. Grapefruit hunks and fresh mint w/feta over mixed greens. Add that to your mindfulness practice. Eat slowly. Lots to note.

If there is a time that works for you tomorrow or over the weekend, let me know. We could do some Mahamudra of something.

Colleen, it's obvious that I've been projecting my own stuff onto what I read of your earlier post. My apologies! I'll be in touch. Your lunch sounds delicious, a lot better than my peanut butter sandwich!

I'm a great projector myself. Aren't we all? I get a thrill when I catch myself doing it. It's a lot like training a dog to heel. Stop when you see yourself embedded. Dis-embedding becomes a treat on its own.