Are you uncomfortable?

Am I making you feel uncomfortable? Good. I'm not here to make you feel comfortable.

Ask yourself, "Am I suffering in this moment?" There is no need to get cute about it; you know what suffering is. Answer the question yes or no.

Now ground the attention in the body until you are not suffering. This is 3rd Gear.

"Am I making you feel uncomfortable? Good. I'm not here to make you feel comfortable.

Ask yourself, "Am I suffering in this moment?" There is no need to get cute about it; you know what suffering is. Answer the question yes or no.

Now ground the attention in the body until you are not suffering. This is 3rd Gear."

Actually, I probably would have been uncomfortable a couple of months ago but I am actually enjoying watching people question things. It was getting perhaps a little like we had planted our flag already (maybe not) but anyway, here's to not planting any flags as we really know next to nothing of the universe.

Here's to being uncomfortably pulled out of ways of thinking to reassess, reevaluate, question and breath some fresh air.

I've been reading all these 3rd gear posts with much fascination, but little time to contribute. So, I'll share here what I've been doing for a long time by myself. I have always had a very volatile relationship with my wife. I've been practising grounding emotional states in my body for years...I have often wondered if this process has contributed to my development over the last 14months in particular with very little time actually sitting. I do on average 40mins per day. I have a habit of grounding everything, all the time. Recently I have noticed a state which is completely still for parts of the day...there is no antagnonism or desire to defend, shout or demand to be heard. There are no triggers. I feel calm, peaceful and engaged. However....that is not to say I do not have difficulty. I am aware that I can choose to 'not be involved,' and remain in this state but I feel I am facing a moral conundrum. What is a yogi to do in the course of their daily lives (I'm a teacher at a high school with some very difficult kids coming from families with drug and criminal backgrounds), as a soldier, or a police officer, when you are confronted with blatantly unjust and brutal behaviour that creates havoc, pain and suffering in others? What am I to do, how am I to engage when obviously an emotional movement of some kind is necessary to get someone's attention? I find ramping up to these engergetic movements (strong emotions) result in a switch being thrown in my head, it's an actual movement of mind. And the source, the motive? They arise out of beliefs I think I have about civil virtue, defense of the weak, etc. Should I relinquish those too? Where is the moral argument in that when so much suffering is caused by violent offenders? How do I talk to a violent student who considers me not, because I am calm and subsequently to be ignored?
Cartago
PS: Am I suffereing? Yes...

Thanks so much for sharing this, Paul. I don't know the answer to your question, but I would like to learn, so I hope you will keep us posted as you work with this. Are there role models, people you know who are successful in dealing with difficult kids from a position of peacefulness? I feel for you because I know teachers in similar situations. I saw a little of it in my student teaching internship in New York. And when I worked as a construction truck driver on a reservoir project in California, it seemed to me that the de-facto rule of law was "intimidate or be intimidated." But I do remember one young man, a devout Christian, who had everyone's respect while remaining gentle all the time. Maybe it is possible, but I don't pretend it is easy. By way of inspiration, I did see a video series about a group of teachers and administrators who set out to teach the most difficult kids in England. I think there are some great role models here:

The Unteachables

www.channel4.com/programmes/the-unteachables/4od

Does anyone else have experience with this dilemma? When you are peaceful, do others take it as license to walk over you? This seems to be a very pragmatic matter for people who would like to learn to live without anger. Chris Marti mentioned a similar problem on another thread; the people he works with seem to respond best to an assertive stance. Which brings another question: Can one be assertive without violence or anger?

This is a useful topic.

It has cultural relevance since what we're talking about is communication and interaction (building blocks of culture/intersubjectivity).

One important thing to remember here is that with culture we're dealing with Powerful Arbitrariness. Might as well keep that in mind. In other words, the meaning of an act comes in part from where it stands in relation to the whole. As a result, in social interactions we know something's meaning in hindsight based on the effect that it had. (for example, 1. I want you to move. 2. I say something. 3. You move.)

The question here is about how to maintain the relevance of a group identity, when one's own identity is shifting.

As often happens with me, no coherent response at the moment, but two impressions:

1. Shinzen Young's discussion of his teacher Sasaki Roshi's 'enlightened anger'.

2. The idea of a social center of gravity. In other words, when a certain critical mass of people are arhats, then arhatship is suddenly going to get a lot easier and more automatic for everyone else. Then the culture will change in predictable and unpredictable ways.

"Can one be assertive without violence or anger?"

Yes, I think this is the solution.

I can see this in Kesi's sutra:
www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/an/an04/an04.111.than.html

Also, other questions to consider:

- When in danger, and as a last option, can there be self-defense without agitation/anger as a result of sustained grounding?
- Would this be in accordance with moral training, right action, etc.?

These questions are of real interest to me. I was surprised to learn that the word 'assertion' is sometimes defined as 'confident aggression'.
Here are the mental notes from my recent reading:
I read The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner earlier this week. Lerner suggests that anger is not always socially acceptable, and therefore is often repressed, and we tend to 'de-self' or deny the option for self-expression rather than risk rejection as a result of our anger. Repressed anger, she says, often masquerades as depression or anxiety, or as a somatic illness, or rears its head in our intimate relationships. To change our patterns we must form conscious intentions. She explains how family patterns are especially resistant to positive change and suggest that the person leading the path in favor of positive change must be ready for on-going revolt and the possibility of being cut-out of the family.
My favorite neuropsychologist, Rick Hanson, editor of the Wise Brain Bulleting, theorizes that anger is the least useful and most destructive emotion, and is carry-over from our ancient ancestors that we should condition ourselves away from.
But how much action is needed to cleanse ourselves of the effects of anger? Is noting silently enough to achieve catharsis? Ken Wilber, author of Integral Enlightenment and other texts, suggests that we should growl or stomp around in private to fully release anger once it is noted. He cautions that if we are in a setting that prevents us from acting out, we may get caught up in other tacks and forget what we are angry about. If that happens, anger will manifest metaphorically as an ache of some sort, a headache or stiff neck, perhaps. To remember why we were angry, Wilber suggests we physically ratchet up the pain slightly and we'll flashback to the triggering event. That is the time to seek privacy and gently act on the angry impulse.

Con't.

Thich Nhat Hanh says, ''¦what is most important is that we first take care of the seeds of negativity in ourselves. Then if someone needs to be helped or disciplined, we will do so out of compassion, not anger and retribution. If we genuinely try to understand the suffering of another person, we are more likely to act in a way that will help him overcome his suffering and confusion...'

I am also a fan of Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication techniques but I would need a practice group to help internalize them. See www.cnvc.org/Training/10-steps-peace .

To Cartago: I admire you for seeking solutions in the high school setting. I left a teaching job because I did not know how to manage the anger that presented itself day-in and day-out. I'm talking about everything from punches being thrown when my back was turned and desks being kicked and flipped, to kids dealing with a sense of rejection they faced having been sent away to a private boarding school. The Director of Studies was a retired Navy man. To him, conflict was a healthy form of engagement. He had spent months at sea with people who could not get along. The school reminded him of this nostalgic period in his life.

"Does anyone else have experience with this dilemma? When you are peaceful, do others take it as license to walk over you?
the people he works with seem to respond best to an assertive stance. Which brings another question: Can one be assertive without violence or anger"

This is self sabotage which prevents me from the intent to be peaceful as I imagine some future event which I can predict the outcome
Also I am fear generated as a response to "I am being peaceful others are going to walk over me " and this forms the basis of interaction with others

I would investigate why you feel that the people respond best to an assertive stance and by assertive I take it you mean by making bold demands or taking a dogmatic or aggressive stance. Is there a satisfaction in their response?

Try interacting with some of these qualities and investigate the peoples response (how you feel)
1. Honest
2. Forward-Looking
3. Competent
4. Inspiring
5. Intelligent

Exhibiting qualities that correlate strongly with peoples desire to follow your lead are beneficial if that's your role at work. Violence, anger or aggression are not good Leadership skills. What sort of work is this necessary?

cheers
Jeff

Thank you CulGodfry for your kind words. Kenneth, I think I'll take up that challenge you mentioned on another thread about remaining grounded at all times. I think I need to push hard into it, to locate what I feel are fundamental ideas I hold about social interaction and expectation. There is fear in there too...probably lots more than I would care to believe. I have been attacked by random assailants a few times in my life, one time when I was very young I thought I would die by hanging when I was accosted by a stranger in a forest I was lost in. Now, many years later, I worry that I may not be able to defend my two little girls. I have to be honest in suggesting that these deep rooted fears and resistances may actually end up circumventing further advancement along the path. At the same time I am aware that I am leaking these anxieties into my children and contributing to their own suffering. Buddha I believe left his wife. Jesus didn't have kids. Was it any easier on them? Somehow I think they were just more courageous than I? It's not very often someone gets nailed to a cross and they don't fight you.
Paul
Paul

I've learned as my practice has gone along that there is a natural, a sort of authentic, response to almost any situation. It is not something you can plan. It is very situational, very now, very much generated by the gestalt you are encountering at the time. It may be assertive, it may be passive. When you are in tune with the flow of experience, you will know what that response must be - and there is, oddly enough as I have experienced this, only one.

Of course this is also related to Kenneth's question. I think being in the right now, right here, is what allows for that grounding and for the authenticity to shine through, to become apparent. Most of us live in our heads, most of the time and getting out of that mode is, indeed, liberating. It's not something we can generally get to all the time but it is worthwhile to cultivate being present and grounded.

"Chris Marti mentioned a similar problem on another thread; the people he works with seem to respond best to an assertive stance. Which brings another question: Can one be assertive without violence or anger?"

Yes, you can!

People tend to look to others for signals on how to react. It's kind of the opposite of what I just posted. Folks are generally uncomfortable being the first to react, to take a position. So they wait for another. Again, as my grounding and natural sense of what matters, what is authentic, has grown I find that my co-workers and other people I have to interact with are more likely to react positively to a calm but assertive stance on things. This is not anger or aggression at all. It's simply being very clear and definite on what you believe, what the authentic way to proceed, is.

There is a flow to our existence that we can be in touch with and grounded in that allows for this, but then I've already said that

Cartago:

I was traumatized by a couple of random acts of unusual cruelty as a toddler and then again as a teenage girl. Not only that, but I witnessed gang violence, and, like Eckhart Tolle, I was raised in a volatile family environment. When my first child was born, it is not surprising that I developed PTSD almost instantly. I was so intent to keep the baby safe I couldn't sleep. I kept a journal or log of daily events and I was highly suspicious of the many kindhearted strangers who stopped to marvel at my infant as I walked to the diaper aisle at Wal-mart. I knew I was irrational and sought help immediately. Recovery was gradual. It took many years of therapy to process my grief, fear and anxiety. I am no longer blinded by the fear that my children might have to relive my experience, and I feel safe and secure, but I need mindfulness practice to stay grounded. Mindfulness is an essential part of my life.