beoman's practice thread

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(12/19): my state right now is'¦ one of not needing to do anything, but not quite. it's kind of a stable calm state of mind. i don't feel like i'm done, but i feel like there's nothing to do for now.

walking around i notice a much better ability to disembed from m experience, to let everything be as it is, including my thoughts, intent, and actions. i think i'm understanding the idea of 'in the seeing, just the seen; in the thinking, just the thoughts' etc., understanding not in a rational way but an intuitive one. i've stopped looking for a self, or looking for a not-self, but just kind of observe any sensation (including thoughts).

i tried following along the jhanic arc from the 2nd session with Owen, Clayton, and Nick ( www.divshare.com/download/12560837-2e6 ). up to the 5th jhana it was pretty clear. then it got fuzzy and i wasn't sure if i followed along or just scripted based on what they were saying for 6-8 to pure lands to NS. i noticed the pressure around 3rd eye and crown going back and forth.. the lightness of the 4th one.. 'something' did happen when I tried to do NS and I did feel bliss wave after (but not an awesomely better than what i earlier recognized as Fruition one), but I didn't notice orderly powering down and powering back up of perception and mental faculty so i doubt that was it.

very interesting meditating. i just lie down, not sure what to do. i try doing jhanas but stop at some point. at one point i notice that my mind has wandered for a bit, and that now i see lots of visual flickering happening quickly, and.. that there seem to be hint of a bliss wave. i continue observing'¦ the flickering stops a little, i'm observing more things'¦ my mind wanders again randomly, vision gets darker'¦ again my mind has wandered, and then again the flickering starts up again with a more noticeable bliss wave this time. takes like 30-60 seconds for one of these cycles to happen. i try being more aware of it, but that seems to prolong the latter part of the cycle before the mind wandering and doesn't seem to cause the bliss wave. i can't tell if i am entirely present when my mind is wandering, or if there is a gap in experience. also there is no bodily twitching of any kind, or entire field of vision flickering that is noticeably different, before the bliss wave.

at end of meditation after a bliss wave i got put into a really really pretty state that i have been in before, i think. basically there is faint white light across my whole vision, uniform, no colors barging in, flickering faintly, and i feel really blissful and happy. mmm i wanted to stay in it longer but i had to go.

now i really wanna try getting NS'¦. i definitely feel a point of pressure in the middle of my head (and around my head), as always. now i notice if i do the thing where i try to go back and forth beyond the point, at some point it '˜snags', and 'i' can try pulling it. i'm not sure how much of it is my will and letting it happen, and i seem to have to be in a particular state to do it - i can't just snag it now. but when it does snag, it feels like my whole head/body is getting snagged. do i just have to snag that fully to reach NS?

(4 hours later): hmm i just don't know'¦

i lie down and attempt to replicate results of before. after an initial period of getting some concentration and focus'¦ the same thing happens again. bliss waves after mind-wander-gaps, more than once per minute. i just begin to wonder if it's me nodding off to sleep, since i just ate and was a bit sleepy, and i was lying down on a bed'¦ the annoying (or maybe good) thing is i can't seem to do anything to get the bliss wave / reset to flickering experience. it only happens when i'm not looking.

i decide that maybe it is the sleep and try to get one while sitting. i sit down in a pretty uncomfortable position, the seiza position, and see what happens. i'm definitely a bit more alert'¦ i go from the lots of flickering stage to a calmer stage, then i start getting annoyed that i'm not getting past this, that i don't feel calm, that my feet are starting to hurt, etc'¦ i'm getting waves of warmth (warm in my room and i'm wearing a shirt) and those are annoying. i start noting again. i end up relaxing a bit and it starts to not annoy me so much, but it seems i can't fully relax or something and there is no gap / bliss wave.

i lie back down, relax again and'¦ soon enough, the bliss waves pick up again, but this time with less nodding-off effects. it's just strange. the bliss wave is characteristic of the ones i felt after more noticeable gaps accompanied with twitching and stuff earlier. but i just can't tell if there is an actual gap in my experience'¦

i try opening my eyes, and they seem to continue. the strange thing is that now a new wave seems to be there whenever i look for it. just wave after wave of them. i can't say my experience is completely constant with no gaps, but i can't say there are gaps, either. i resolve 'ok, no more bliss waves for 30 seconds'¦' i focus a bit more, and.. it seems the room comes into clearer focus. i notice the ceiling more. it takes a bit of effort counting to 30 without '˜letting go''¦ then finally at 30 i let go, the room goes back to being kind of out of focus and floating in front of me (but mostly stable looking), and the bliss waves return.

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"Now these are good non speculative descriptions. They really help see where you are, boeman. Keep it up!



Nick"

heh thanks! i will as long as i need to. i generally think i know where i am, but i don't really know for sure. for example, @mumuwu: interesting! i hadn't considered that i was hanging around there. i haven't really ever looked at 1-3 nyanas after i felt i started my first dark night, except just today when following the jhanic free for all to notice that they really are quite annoying! (at least, either i was there, or i scripted myself to be there, which is entirely possible given the many descriptions you guys were giving). all throughout that part i was like "come on guys let's move on to the next nyana please!"

"heh thanks! i will as long as i need to. i generally think i know where i am, but i don't really know for sure. for example, @mumuwu: interesting! i hadn't considered that i was hanging around there. i haven't really ever looked at 1-3 nyanas after i felt i started my first dark night, except just today when following the jhanic free for all to notice that they really are quite annoying! (at least, either i was there, or i scripted myself to be there, which is entirely possible given the many descriptions you guys were giving). all throughout that part i was like "come on guys let's move on to the next nyana please!" "

Hi beoman,

It is not only for the sake of "you" knowing where you are. It is also to maintain the integrity of this community as Kenneth has previously stated. If anyone could come here and claim this and that, what would happen?

Keep it up!

Metta

Nick

Heh I thought my posts would get shorter, but it seems i constantly have stuff to talk about! i suppose that is good, it means i'm not getting stuck in one place.

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still last night, i decide to do some candle flame meditation.

first i try the closed-eye version, where you stare at the candle until you see a shift, then you close your eyes, then you wait until a red dot appears in your vision, then you focus on that as the object of your investigation (as described in MCT.

i see the red dot, it starts flickering... soon enough i start seeing black edges around the red dot, with some faint rainbow colors around the edge. as this happens the dot gets smaller until it just fades.

i open my eyes. i focus on the candle flame again. however, this time i'm more drawn to the lit candle itself instead of the flame, so i start looking at that. i can stay with it pretty well... (note: the setting is my dark room, with the candle on my desk, illuminating the objects around it). At some point there is a shift, where everything except the candle seems to darken. the candle itself seems to become smaller in a way, and to have the entirety of my attention, with everything else being very darkened. when i blink, the background comes back again for a bit, but quickly fades back to the more focused state.

after a bit of this, i start noticing the edge of the entire candle more. i keep focusing. the edge goes from being fuzzy to being crisp to fuzzy again. the middle of the candle is pretty in focus, still, but i'm not focused on looking at it.

after a bit of this i decide it's time to go to bed, so i close my eyes to try following the red dot, as well. same as before: it's flickering (though it is larger and more prominent this time), then there are more edges... i can perceive them better this time, though. i think i was a lot more concentrated (which makes sense), and i was glad that i didn't just go to bed without doing a bit more meditation in the more concentrated state.

again the dot fades, and i decide to note a little. noting many times per second seemed way too intense and unnecessary (and a cause of problems), so i decided to just make one verbal (under my breath) note once every few seconds just to keep me on track. i think i might do this from now on.

soon enough, i start seeing really really cool visual hallucinations! i've seen this pattern many times before - a kind of white swath of color comes in from the edges to the center. then a blue swath comes in, envelops it, and replaces it, etc. however, now it was much more prominent and three dimensional. it actually looked exactly like a 3D cloud of smoke (like from smoking a hookah). i could see the tendrils and the wisps and everything. the blue just ended up being a blue cloud of smoke, similarly detailed. i noted "amazement" "fascination" "wonder" etc., but i was more focused on looking at the thing than deconstructing it.

when i went to lie down the bliss waves started up again. i just don't know about them, right now. it seems if i look for the bliss wave, it would come up soon enough, but without me noticing a gap or anything. and if i try to notice a gap, it seems to interfere with it. so in a way i'm being rewarded for not focusing too much.. which is maybe a hint!

some of them seemed more minor, with no perceptible change in state (like visuals). others were more major, where my visual field would pick up with lots of little flickering following the bliss wave, and with a noticeable gap. it's almost like cycles within cycles.

there was a particularly big one close to my falling asleep. i was put in a very noticeable vision flickering state after it. i wondered "is that it? am i done??" i felt pretty happy. i looked to see if i had a sense of self, but i could see the sensations of self as just sensations. i wasn't really sure for a few minutes, and i felt light hearted and happy, but eventually i realized there was more to do, that i still identify with a self on some level. today i feel about the same as yesterday.

the sense of being done for the time being seems to have lifted, and now i feel i have more to do again. i'll try reclining and noting lightly again, see if i can either get more insight into the absent-minded bliss waves, or see if there's something else, or whatnot.

in daily life i seem to enjoy... i'm not sure if it is 2nd gear practice, but i kind of decide to just watch all the sensations. i guess i'm not looking at the watcher. but instead of watching them and going "that's not me, that's not me", i just watch them. i also pay attention to the sensations that seem to imply a self, and try to just watch them, just watch them. when i do this there seems to be a kind of strange, uncomfortable tangle somewhere in my brain, part physical, part mental component. i associate it with the feeling of self. physically it's located kind of in the center of my head, maybe at the intersection of the crown and the third eye if you draw lines through them. also when i catch my mind wandering it particularly feels really unpleasant, though that might be because i recently read that part of what...

...causes Alzheimer's might be absent-mindedness. that is, when you're doing something but thinking about something else, it lights up a part of your brain which is the one that deteriorates as a result of Alzheimer's. so maybe i just have an aversion to that because of what i read, heh.

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Have you considered that it could be A&P more so than a fruition. Have you experienced dukkha nanas in this insight cycle?

I've had very similar experiences with the candle flame. To me it sounds like you are going from 1st jhana (where you first get the red dot and you watch it) and then when you are opening the eyes you are going up to 2nd jhana. From there it would make sense if the flickering you are experiencing is A&P phenomenon as would the bliss waves you are describing.

Hi Beoman,

I would like to hear a very detailed description of these 'fruitions" you say you are experiencing. Can you please describe in the utmost detail what happens as soon as your butt hits the floor, then up to when what you are calling "fruition" occurs. Please describe the phenomenology of the experience. No specualtions please! I am especially interested in what happenes directly before and after the so called "fruition".

Bliss waves can occur during the A/P nana. The post-fruition bliss wave is much subtler. Your description could be AP energetic bliss waves throughout the body. They can be confused with post-fruition bliss waves. There are many different experiences that can be confused for 1st path, including fruitions. Let's see some more detailed descriptions Try keeping the next sitting's description to mind states, type of vibrations/sensations and the tones. From as soon as you sit down, to when you get up. Check nadav's notes thread for how he describes his sits. They are really easy to read and see patterns:

kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/40...+notes?maxResults=20

Looking forward to them.



metta,
Nick

sure thing, Nick! Thanks for reading along.

Until I sit tonight and have fresh descriptions, maybe I can describe what I've felt earlier, since this might also be influencing my descriptions of what's happening now.

Around two months, my meditation really picked up, I started seeing colors every time I sit, and it would be very exciting and such. I felt what I would describe as energy waves here. Basically, it would feel like the nerves in one part of my body, like a spot on my back, or on my left buttock, were activated. There would be an acute tingling which would spread not through the entire body, but just along one dimension. Sometimes I did get full-body ones. At first I thought I was shivering, but I could shiver and not have the prickly energy-like wave. I would not describe them as bliss waves, though.

About 17 days ago, what would happen is: I would be in a calm state, observing everything. then I would focus on one of the three characteristics and incline my mind towards that, for example, impermanence, impermanence. things would speed up. then in a somewhat forced manner, i would just think impermanence of everything, including the thing that is thinking the impermanence thought. at that point my body would twitch, my vision would flicker, i would feel like something happened but that i couldn't perceive, and then i would get what i called a bliss wave. definitely more subtle than the energy one i described just now. there would be a second or two of nothing, then this bliss would arise. it would start from the center of my body and just permeate my whole body in a very pleasurable (and subtle) manner, and i would smile. it felt different also from what i thought where the samatha jhana blissful feelings.

(continued)

Hi Beoman,

You are getting some good guidance from Nick and Mu; let's slow down a bit. I haven't yet heard enough to conclude that you have attained 1st Path, so it's premature to be talking about 3rd (Nirodha Samapatti is only available at 3rd Path). The truth is I don't know where you are, but I would like to find out! You gave some interesting details about your practice at the Tuesday night class in NYC, so let's continue in that vein; strict phenomenology without conclusions or speculation. There are some really good models here on the forum for how to present your practice clearly. Check out Antero's practice journal, Ron Crouch's practice journal, and Nadav's practice journal.


Let the rest of us chime in about where we think you are and what you should be doing at this point to make the most efficient progress possible. It is tempting, upon seeing all the successful yogis here, to think that this practice is quick and easy. For most of us, though, it is anything but easy and rarely quick. For someone as dedicated and enthusiastic as yourself, almost every week will be filled with mind-blowing new experiences. And this can keep happening for years! It certainly has in my case. But the landmarks we keep talking about on this forum have clear standards that keep us all on the same page with regard to communication. It may be that your attainments are just as you believe they are. If so, bring the rest of us up to speed by piling up the evidence, reporting your experience as concisely as possible, and trusting the rest of us to keep you honest!

Looking forward to hearing more,

Kenneth

(...) what would also happen after that is i'd just be lying in bed, or talking to someone, and then i'd feel the bliss wave. i'd then realize that moment earlier i must have had the 'fruition', but i just hadn't noticed.

as to what is happening now, it feels similar to bliss waves i just described, except even fainter usually, but definitely subtle, and happens more often, so often that i wonder if i'm just not manifesting it in my head. this is all from day-old memory, though, and i will try write a more accurate report when i next sit. what also confuses me (as i probably wrote already) is how if i seem to be more focused, they don't occur, so I'll have to strike a fine balance when trying to observe everything...

thanks again, and thank you mumuwu as well. i hadn't considered it might be A&P stuff. there are indeed a lot of mimics!

Hey Kenneth, thanks for chiming in! I'm willing to accept that I'm not where I think I am, especially as I'm unsure where I am. I will just keep doing what I can, that is, offering continuing phenomenological descriptions of my sits! Since the advice so far is just keep doing what I'm doing, that is what I'll do, and I'll follow particular advice if any of you figure out where I'm at with some certainty.

Practice... alternates between easy and hard =P. But it is easy to be over enthusiastic.

Do you see any harm in my trying to follow the jhanic arc videos? could be fun / potentially useful, with the pitfall being that i might just script my experiences.

Also, fair advice about looking at other yogis and thinking it's easy.. i do tend to notice when reading some other journals being like "ah that's where I feel I'm at now!" that can definitely influence my judgement.

Oh also, dreamt last night that I took speed and then tried meditating under its influence. (haven't taken that in real life). It was getting intense, but my alarm rang and I awoke (and probably why I remember the dream). I slept for another 30 mins, the next dream was more vivid than most, but kind of random (I dreamt I was with Stewie and Yoda where the first lightsaber was created, and that I was using it recklessly, lol).

"Have you considered that it could be A&P more so than a fruition. Have you experienced dukkha nanas in this insight cycle?

I've had very similar experiences with the candle flame. To me it sounds like you are going from 1st jhana (where you first get the red dot and you watch it) and then when you are opening the eyes you are going up to 2nd jhana. From there it would make sense if the flickering you are experiencing is A&P phenomenon as would the bliss waves you are describing. "

about dukkha nanas this cycle: you know as much as I do, in that I described everything I went through. will not write my speculations about it per advice of the others =).

after reading the replies i felt taken down a notch... being like meh where am i etc? more doubts creeping back in. but i try observing the doubts. (not saying this is a bad thing! in fact it's probably good =).

i sit to meditate a little. first note annoyance, irritation, unpleasant unpleasant, past thought unpleasant wondering thought wandering looking unpleasant irritation unpleasant. especially there was a baby crying in the next room and at every sound it made i'd get more annoyed, so i noted sound-unpleasant-annoyed-conversationthought. an interplay of annoyed-relaxing-annoyed-relaxing, etc.

after a while my state calms down. calmness, relief, relaxation. i feel pleasant body sensations, pleasant-pleasant. this was actually same as at least some of the "bliss waves" i was describing earlier, as far as i can tell, and there were definitely no gaps this time (unless i am really daft), so definitely some of the things i was describing were not fruitions.

anyway, i keep noting, calmness, spaciousness, expansion... then flickering starts picking up. at this point i think finally drop preconceptions of where i might currently be. a new one pops up right off, which i still believe, but with more willingness to accept i'm wrong. anyway at this point, my eyelids start fluttering, the colors behind my eyes are flickering and moving, i feel excitement, happiness, contentment, gratefulness. my legs are hurting as i'm sitting seiza but it doesn't bother me in the least, just more excitement. (EDIT: for context, I think I've had my eyes flutter in a similar manner before, around... 1 month ago)

unfortunately had to cut it short here. will continue later tonight. the name of the game is: note preconception-thought instead of letting it direct me

Nice descriptions, boeman!

Can you describe the 'bliss waves" in more detail? Are they energetic? where are they localised? Are they like any type of other sensation? What do they feel like? Bliss can be a word that is interpreted in many different ways by different yogis.

I'm interested in the bliss wave. I like your new way of desribing your practice. it is easy to see things. if I was to hazard a guess, and a guess is all it si, it seems you are getting through 3rd nana to 4th nana with the "bliss waves"/ But could be wrong. Keep going!



metta,

Nick

Sure thing! Working from memory, but also the fact that I might be feeling them right now...

They're not really energetic. No fast vibration or intensity to them. They're very warm and welcoming, kind of like i want to let them go over my whole body. i think they start off in my head, feet, and chest, and then expand to my torso and rest of body from there. it's a thing that i'd want to revel around in. it feels similar to bliss i feel when doing samatha jhanas, except not as course as what i've come to associate with 1st/2nd jhana... although maybe it is just exactly that? it kind of comes in pulses, though. like i will feel it grow in intensity, then kind of lapse/relax a bit, then it'll come back again.

also i'm definitely feeling it now, or if not that then something very much like it. i'll pay more attention to them next time i sit. hmm the more i think about it the closer it feels to jhanic bliss...

i'll try to keep my reports similar to this latest one! i actually didn't think it was a big difference but i suppose it was! i'm also suspecting 3rd->4th nana for what it's worth, but we'll see where it goes from here.

regression, disappointment, annoyance, desire to go forward'¦ (i felt like i fell back), itchiness (again? argh!), itchiness, itchiness. i notice also pulsing-pulsing, in that visual field seems to go in and out according to my pulse. but, shortly, picking up, confidence, powerfulness, flickering, flickering, flickering.

here i decide to note only once/twice per second verbally, and just really stay with the flickering sensations. both my visual field and head are going crazy, so i just try to notice each little sensation. flickering flickering flickering flickering. then'¦ bliss? bliss?. bliss, bliss, bliss, slowing down, relaxation'¦ the flickering has stopped, and now i'm enjoying a bliss wave. uncertainty - can't tell if i'm going backwards or forwards - but bliss, bliss (will describe it in more detail later). enjoyment, happiness, bliss'¦ speeding up, flickering, flickering, pain-neutral, neutral, flickering, bliss, flickering, bliss (not a wave but just a feeling of bliss between the flickering), flickering, bliss, flickering, flickering, relaxation, relaxation, bliss wave, enjoyment, wonder, bliss, bliss, flickering, flickering, flickering, flickering, bliss, flickering, bliss'¦

at this point i realize that when i 'relax' and feel the bliss wave, i might be missing out on important insights, so i determine myself to just observe the bliss wave as any other sensation. flickering, bliss, flickering, bliss, flickering, bliss, flickering, bliss, bliss, growing bliss, bliss, flickering, bliss, bliss, relax, relax, '”'”'”-. after i relaxed that time, i was literally stopped in my noting tracks since the bliss wave felt so good. i just did nothing except really revel in it for a few seconds. slowly i resumed noting, relaxed, relaxed, flickering, flickering, flickering, bliss, flickering'¦

HOLY ****!!! That was an incredible, incredible sit I just had. Honestly, wow'¦ just wow. owned anything that I might have thought was an A&P before. I have no idea what happened but here is the description, please enlighten me! (literally, if you can =). )

(Mental) setting: Rollerblading home, my mood was okay, not too sad not too happy, generally happier though. towards one stretch i had an incredible desire to go FAST, and with a huge burst of energy i quickly accelerated and went at close to top speed for a few seconds, hehe. I get home, chat a bit, then set my timer for one hour. I turn the lights off.

'”'”'”'”START'”'”'”'”'”

I decide to do vocal noting again. First I'm noting preparation, readiness, desire, dedication, '¦ soon it's annoyance, desire to continue, wandering (mind), wandering, past thought, conversation thought, itchiness'¦ I think I'm very suggestible as I read naviv's thread where he talks about itchiness, and i started itching all over, itching, itching, itching. I've heard the term 'iron skull cap' here. I'm not sure what it means but my head sure felt that way, lots of pressure-unpleasant, pressure-unpleasant, pressure-unpleasant, turning into pain-unpleasant, aversion, visual field expansion, desire to continue, annoyance, etc. visual field is murky, no lights or anything yet.

searching, searching (for bliss), itchiness, visual field expansion (again), watching, looking'¦ speeding-up, flickering, happiness, joy, relaxation, powerfulness, pain-neutral, flickering, flickering. the flickering came in two parts: visual - not as a unified whole field flickering, but with dozens of small localized parts flickering at different times, mostly with white light - and pressure-wise, in terms of the pressure on my head rapidly changing all over, constantly (heh it's happening as I'm describing it). confidence, gratitude (to you guys if you want to know =), happiness, joy, flickering, flickering, flickering'¦

unclear when, but i think at this point, i just decide to observe the bare sensations without any verbal noting. i can perceive tons of them, maybe 20 a second across my vision and pressure in my head (and some over rest of my body). my mind wanders a tiny bit but not much at all by normal standards - maybe once or twice i gave a '˜wandering' mental note. here i realize that i don't even _want_ to move my mouth to make verbal notes. i try to but just don't - it would be too distracting. i let one or two out without vocalizing them (whispering), but that's it. so i observe flickering, flickering, flickering, flickering, bliss, flickering, flickering, and lots and lots of it. flickering, absorption, flickering, flickering, absorption, flickering, fast, rapid, flickering, pressure in middle of head (that felt more solid), pressure all around head (not solid but flickering), flickering, flickering'¦ a tiny slow down, bliss wave, bliss wave, i decide to ride the bliss, bliss, bliss.

my alarm rings. bliss, bliss, ring, ring. i reach over to turn it off, then i just kind of sit there and enjoy the remainder of the last bliss wave, which wasn't as large as the one that stopped me, but was pretty good. i didn't feel like moving much.

'”'”'”'”'”'”'”'”'”'”'”'”'”'”

i open my eyes, my vision is kind of fuzzy/blurry. i walk to the bathroom, turn on the light. the bathroom is mostly white, but now another really bizarre thing happened. the whiteness from the bathroom seemed to spread all over the place. i thought at first i was staring in one spot too long and the lines were fading, but this was different. it was pretty much like a white light was suffusing the entire place. i could still make out the bathtub and such ...

... between the white light, but it was covering it pretty thoroughly. i was baffled. i had no idea what to do, so i tried not focusing and not not-focusing to maintain it. out of curiosity, i closed my eyes, and was met with a pretty harsh, very light red whole-field flickering, which i didn't prefer to the white light, so i opened them again. it was a little diminished. as i watched, it slowly faded and everything slowly became dim again.

'”'”'”'”'”'”'”'”'”'”'”'”'”'”

hahaha i just have no idea. it was awesome. right afterwards i didn't feel so good as my stomach was hurting, but now i'm just in a very cheery mood. just talking to my friend made me happy and bubbly. =) =).

also it's funny how, this is pretty much bliss on tap, and you'd think when one has access to bliss on tap one would always '˜tap' it, but i don't feel a need to do so right now. i think i do feel some left over bliss'¦ i feel good, anyway, a bit hungry, a bit sleepy maybe

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description of the bliss waves: the closest thing it reminds me of is really a first path fruition. take it with a grain of salt, as it's still uncertain whether i have stream entry at all, but whatever i thought was a fruition before, and whatever bliss wave that followed it - it felt like that, here. i didn't notice any gap at all, though, whereas i did before. i think that 'i' was 'present' for the entire time'¦ these bliss waves were much more intense, though.

without resorting to dubious claims'¦ it's not energetic at all. it's very subtle. it seems that i start noticing while in the intense flickering state, and it's kind of chopped up in between the flickering. then i would relax and kind of bathe in it and it would spread throughout my body. it would start off somewhere undetected, then kind of slowly fill up my body, at varying levels of intensity during the sit. the one that stopped me in noting kind of caught me by surprise, even.

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