Beginning to get really frustrated with practice

I am getting really really frustrated with all these vipassana techniques. I dont feel like im making progress, I feel pain all day, and Im sick of it. I note the pain, I tense up more, I note tensing up, it just keeps happening, I note a sense of self or stuckness, and it just automatically flips to something else to make my life hell. Every second is painful and terrible and no matter what I do, it doesnt go away. The noting tenses me up more I feel like im pushing things away, I get confused and frustrated, feeling like I cant run away (and yes i note all of this....) and its just fruitless. I get into what seems to be equanimity and even though the DN intense pains are gone I still feel that tension and annoyance (Im just more able to deal with it). Nik recommended I try sweeping but thats the same story. I feel like im trying which causes tension. I get the feeling of just not wanting to exist or be doing anything....even though it feels impossible. If i pay attention to three characteristics... same exact problem. I pay attention to the pain. Nothing. I feel like I'm doing something wrong or my mind is doing something it shouldnt while I practice

Just a note to everyone: I had a great text chat with Eddy tonight and changed his instruction to metta. He isn't doing any noting for now, he's just cultivating lovingkindness. This is the only practice he needs to do right now.

Dear Kenneth,
After having read many threads over the last few weeks on both this website and DhO, the posting above by dudeitseddy is probably the first one that I can relate to. Maybe I should also start using more metta practice. I have a question though. I just don't really know what metta practice is. For me it just consists of a few minutes (not normally more than 5) of mental repetition of the usual phrases such as " May I be happy. May I be free from suffering. May I be liberated. May I be free from ......YOU NAME IT ......whatever negative states you can think of etc." Sometimes I might also wish others well or even the entire universe. However, I see this practice, if you can call it that as very weak (in me). I mean, it's not exactly like my body is overflowing with good vibrations and that I'm feeling so happy and wonderful about life and everyone and everything that I'm just gushing forth with feelings of wellbeing for all (although I'd love it were I able to do that of course).
I should also mention that my powers of concentration are not very good either. So, if I were to attempt more than just a few minutes of having loving thoughts towards myself and others, I'll soon forget all about it and then eventually come back to realizing that I've gone away with the fairies for the last 10 or more minutes and I was supposed to be giving metta.
So, I'm not sure exactly if I'm suited to serious amounts of time devoted to metta practice, although I'm aware that perhaps I should try and incorporate it more.
Also, until recently I was heavily influenced by Goenka's instructions for giving metta which seem to entail that you have to actually feel good (or free from pain) in order to do it. Which basically limits me most of the time on any course.
I posted a huge blog recently on DhO under the heading "Help/Advice/Guidance sought" if you want more info.

Hi Piers,

Goenka's way of only doing metta after having practiced Vipassana and only when there are pleasant vibrations felt in the body is HIS way of teaching it. It ain't the gospel. In fact, I believe most vipassana teachers would teach it as something to practice BEFORE you start doing vipassana. My advice is to sandwhich your vipassana with metta. A number of minutes at the begnning, and then a number of minutes at the end of a meditation session.

I think one gets stuck in the mindset of hearing that metta should only be practiced when you are feeling good inside. Well sure, it's easier but so is saying "I am happy" when you feel pleasantness inside.

I think if one were to practice metta before hand regardless of what type of physical or mental state one is in, then that mindset would stop being a hindrance to the cultivation of the habit of generating metta. I think metta is there to help with the dissolution of ego. Vipassana is taking you in that direction but the ego can put up a fight. But our "selves" and the way we feel often get in the way. How can we deal with this?

I think the most important person to love first over all others before you start sharing, is yourself. Owen recently gave me the advice to love myself more so that I stop turning away from the self-contraction and stop fighting the negativity felt within because the very action of turning away from the reality within was what was actually causing all that negativity in the first place.

It was a huge eye opener to see in real time that what causes suffering is a turning away from the sensations we feel. If we turn towards them and embrace them, there is instant release. With a metta practice that takes ourselves as the first and formeost recipient of that metta , it can become a very effective way to turn towards the sensations and embrace that sense of suffering "me". This can lead to more acceptance of suffering as well as its release and thus more pleasantness felt in the body. Then you can start thinking about other beings receiving that metta more easily. But if you feel you are faking it too long, stick with yourself and use metta as a tool to "let go" of miseries and tensions first. How can we send love to others without accepting our own misery first? We can do that,sure. But we often find that we are then only faking it till we make it. Which could eventually work too as you dissolve the ego through vipassana over time. But if it's a problem for you right now and you want a quick fix I recommend the following practice.

"May I be free from this misery I feel in this very moment. I turn towards you (the sensations and thoughts ie self-contraction and I accept you. I embrace you. I allow you to be there. I will not turn away from you and I will honour you as an honoured guest as long as you want to stay. "

This type of radical acceptance of the moment of misery is metta in action. Paying attention to your own body and mind should be done at the same time. Find where it is all emanating from in the body. Then send it thoughts of acceptance, of metta. You are allowing for yourself to come out of the misery in that moment. Pure metta! When you find it starts to work (and it may take a few attempts) then you can be more capable of using those vibrations of release, love and compassion for yourself, as energy/vibrations of love and compassion for others.

One very effective way of doing this without feeling like you are being self-centred or getting lost and having the mind wander is to start first with a very effective practice that Owen taught me. I have coupled it with my noting practice and have found that it knocks my socks off. I end up feeling quite blissed out on metta and my days are more pleasant as a result.

For more detailed instructions of own metta practice click here: thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2010/12/...boom-boom-super.html

Skandha/Kandha metta. (Thanks and credit to Owen Becker for these instructions)

* Skandha in Sanscrit and Khanda in Pali mean aggregate. The skhandas are the 5 aggregates that are ignorantly taken and misread as "Self". They are form, feeling tone, perception, mental formations and consciousness: Nama and Rupa.This part of the metta practice can be very good at helping one to differentiate each of the aggregates which make up our entire experience. Coupled with a vipassana practice it can aid in seeing through the illusion of "Self".

* Then we send metta to each of the five aggregates. The first aggregate is form (rupa). With eyes open look around you, see form everywhere. See the form of your own body. The arms, and legs, chest and lower body. See it all and start to generate metta towards form. Visualize and feel the pleasant energy in the body flow out to form, to the surface and to within your own body . Send the organs of your body this metta. Send this metta to the four elements that make up form; earth, fire, water and air elements. 'May form receive this metta!' Do this for a number of minutes.

* Then switch to the aggregate of feelings and their tones. Focus on sensations of the body. Focus on their tones. Feel them as they are as either pleasant, unpleasant or neutral sensations. Generate, visualize and send metta to the sensations and their tones. 'May pleasant, unpleasant and neutral sensations receive this metta!' Do this for a number of minutes.

* Then switch to the aggregate of perception and cognition. When you look at a familiar object, the mind perceives it and conceptualizes it. At times, a mental image of the object arises in the mind's eye and name is given to it. Generate, visualize and send metta to this aggregate of perception and cognition. Do this for a number of minutes.

* Then switch to the aggregate of formations. Formations are mental habits, intentions, ideas, thoughts, emotions etc. See them as they arise and generate, visualize and send metta to this aggregate of formations. Do this for a number of minutes.

* Then switch to the aggregate of consciousness and discernment. Each of the six senses arises as a separate consciousness. The eye consciousness arises due to contact of visual objects with the eye. The ear consciousness arises due to the contact of sound waves with the ear. The tongue consciousness arises with the contact of objects on the tongue. The physical sensation consciousness arises via the body coming in contact with the outside world and the inner physical world. The nose consciousness arises when a smell comes in contact with the nose. The mind consciousness arises when a thought makes contact with the mind. Contemplate these consciousness' and generate, visualize and send them this metta. Do this for a number of minutes.

* From the aggregates, now shift the focus to the sense of "Self" or the sense of "being" you have. The sense of (put your name). THat sense of self is each of the aggregates arising and passing away in this very moment. Generate, visualize and send metta to yourself. Accept all that metta for yourself. May I be happy! May I be free from stress! May I come out of all the miseries! May I awaken for the benefit of all beings! May I be free, peaceful and harmonious! Feel the vibrations/energy grow in strength. Visualize and feel that energy grow and multiply within the body. Visualize it spreading throughout every corner of the body, throughout every cell. Feel the body exploding with metta!



I feel this practice above could really help people begin to love themselves more, bring relief and release to their own situation. Then they can turn towards other beings and their welfare. It is also a good way of breaking down the sense of "self" into what it is really made up of. The 5 aggregates of nama and rupa. So in a sense you are practicing a form of vipassana but with metta in the mix. You are developing a habit to see what is there. IS there anything more than nama and rupa? THe more you see that there aint nothing more than 5 aggregates , nothing but nama and rupa interplay there as opposed to a concrete entity running the show, the less tendency there will be to "put up a fight" in the ego dissolution process. If you are seeing in real time how this self can be broken down into these aggregates, then what fighting does there need to be? And at the same time you are generating love for the aggregates. Also if you develop a routine with it and dedicate some energy and effort to it, you may find that it really is conducive to begin practicing concentration and dipping your toe in the Jhanas could even result.

Hope this helps!

Merry Christmas everybody! Happy holidays!

Piers, a few additional ideas, for what it's worth...

I would try writing your own metta statements -- what do you really wish for yourself? To be calm, at ease, relaxed, alert, compassionate, self-respecting, healthy, improving, good at doing metta, etc. Make up your own personal wish, one that you really mean in your heart. (And if it is naturally heartfelt, you'll want to extend it to other people you care about.)

Don't worry about being infused with bliss and love and transmitting it out. Metta practice almost works subconsciously, finding the blockages without you needing to be good at it or know what to do. It sounds funny, but the first part of learning metta is learning how to be compassionate with yourself when you're crappy at doing metta! ("May I be patient with myself as I learn to do metta, may others be patient with themselves as they learn to do metta.")

It does help if you can create a small seed of metta (that general good feeling), even though it isn't essential. But feel free to use whatever works. It can be hard to cultivate it out of the blue, but a friend, a tree, a dog, a stranger, a song -- anything that you are thankful for can be the reminder of the feeling you would wish for yourself and others.

And lastly, don't be worried if you go off into fantasies when you are doing metta. That tends to happen in even mildly pleasuable states. It can feel good and healing to soak yourself in a nice state. After you spend some time doing this, you can move on to noting, more metta, etc. No worries, we all get lost during practice. Just start again without giving yourself a hard time. Totally normal!

I've been teaching metta a lot lately. In the past, I've encouraged people to do noting instead of metta, but I am learning that metta is a great practice in its own right, very powerful and transformative, and for some people at some stages of their lives, it's a much more appropriate practice than noting.

I teach a very simple metta technique:

Imagine a puppy or a kitten or a pony. Almost any kind of pet will do. You want to conjure up the image of a pet, living or dead, real or imaginary. We'll use a puppy this time.

What color is your puppy? What color are its eyes? What kind of dog is it?

The puppy is pure. It feels pure love for you and it doesn't want anything from you except to be loved and cared for. Hold the puppy in your arms and feel the tenderness as your heart opens to this little animal. Does it feel warm? Does it have soft fur? It's okay if you get a little bit teary at this point. It can be a little bit painful, in a kind of beautiful way.

Now imagine that you are the puppy. Let the puppy take care of its person. Feel the love this little animal has for its person, for you.

That's the simple metta practice. You don't have to make metta, because it's already inside you. A little bit of this practice each day can change your life.

"That's the simple metta practice. You don't have to make metta, because it's already inside you. A little bit of this practice each day can change your life." - Kenneth

Great technique Kenneth! Puppy Metta. Metta has become my main practice these days. Like you say, it can be very simple. It grows with practice. The beneficial qualities of it carry through day much longer than with other practices I've done. The key I have found is to relax and kind of regroup as soon as you notice tension building - it will - over and over again - but each time just stop, relax, do the puppy thing or whatever and then continue on.

Recently, I have been speaking with several people (all pre stream entry) and I am finding that this practice is very accessible. You have to find a hook - something that helps you get started but it is something like rubbing two sticks together to start a fire - starts out just a little warm spot but that can grow into a huge fire - you have to develop the skill.

I often use something like this:
I sit down and just pay attention to the feeling that this is nice - that it is nice to have some peace and quiet - to enjoy some solitude for a while. Then I start thinking, wouldn't it be nice if everyone could have some peace and quiet in their life. I send that out in all directions. This is the little seed to get things going. I basically pump this feeling a bit with every breath, by reflecting on it and really paying attention to the pleasant feeling in the body (this is the 'thinking and evaluation' part). Once I have the whole body filled with this then I can just drop the thinking and evaluation and just stay with the whole body field of metta energy (2nd metta jhana?). I owe this technique to an encounter with Bhante Vimalaramsi who teaches along these lines - he has lots of info on his site - worth checking out.

Our minds spend allot of time in 'downbound conjuration' spinning out all kinds of worry and tension filled stories. This is how we spend most of our time and metta practice turns this habit around for me. It takes time. If you can't find anything to start the metta sensation with then try laughing at yourself for being so serious and use the laughter as the seed

The big guy (Buddha) said that metta practice can take you all the way (Arahat) so this can be your main practice if it works for you.

Kudos on the metta instructions Kenneth - they are similar to what I've practiced for years and they work great!

I recently had a baby (well, my wife did the work of having him), and since then my metta practice has REALLY taken off and gotten so mixed into the insight practice I can't tell the two apart. What I mean is that as I'm noting or disembedding from the sensations/thoughts/feelings/perceptions I'm also feeling kind of lovey-dovey toward them, as if the act of letting them go is one of compassion. This has helped tremendously in my practice.

"What I mean is that as I'm noting or disembedding from the sensations/thoughts/feelings/perceptions I'm also feeling kind of lovey-dovey toward them, as if the act of letting them go is one of compassion. This has helped tremendously in my practice." -RonCrouch

Hi Ron,

This reminds me of Father Thomas Keating's "Christian Centering Prayer." He suggests that you look at the sensations or mind states or thoughts as they arise, acknowledge each one, and say to it "I welcome you." It's a really sweet practice and one that helped me through some dark days during my first Asian retreat. At that time, straight noting only seemed to make me more depressed and anxious, so I remembered that I had once heard a tape where Father Keating taught the centering prayer. It opened up a new world for me. Instead of having to be a tough guy who was going to conquer the world through meditation, I felt myself melting and softening. It may have saved the retreat for me. I stayed on retreat for a year, half in Malysia and half in Burma, and whenever I tied myself into a knot through over-effort, I remembered to balance it through centering prayer, which I think of as lovingkindess and vipassana combined with a Christian flavor.

Mahasi teachers also teach a metta/vipassana practice where you begin with metta and then note the pleasant and loving sensations as they arise. In the beginning, though, and for people who are really struggling with depression, I recommend just doing the simple metta; as Chuck said, you begin with a seed of lovingkindness and it grows over time. You want to be patient and gentle with yourself. It wouldn't be bad for some people to spend a year or two just growing that seed of lovingkindness into a blossom before becoming goal-oriented. And as Chuck also hinted, it can go full circle; advanced practice can be all about metta because it feels like the natural thing to do.

"And for some people at some stages of their lives, it's a much more appropriate practice than noting."

Yes. Yes. Yes. I am not sure it is wise to limit yourself to one method as the be all and end all. It has everything to do with the stage you are at. Eddy, Metta seems like a great practice for you at this point given our correspondence... keep up the good work

If you were to see me meditate these days, most of the long sits that I do would be with a baby in my arms. That's because I've taken to going into meditation as I rock the little guy to sleep. As he starts to drift off I'll slip into a metta practice for him, then turn it around toward myself and then on to the noting practice. I try to keep the same loving open attitude as the noting occurs, and that has made a big difference. But there is a paralell here with what Kenneth is teaching, and that is that you have to begin with someone or something that is easy to love, where the heart jumps leaps up with love, and slowly move to more impersonal objects like the sensations. Starting with a puppy or a baby or a kitten is totally the way to go.

"Starting with a puppy or a baby or a kitten is totally the way to go." -RonCrouch

Yes! This is what I didn't really understand for a long time. I would only go to the really gentle practice when I was completely desperate and couldn't handle anything else. Then, as soon as I had even the least bit of momentum, I would return to very aggressive noting or sweeping, or I would try to radiate metta as though I were a hundred megawatt radio transmitter; it was all about *doing*. What I wasn't able to see is that the metta I thought I was radiating was not the real metta; it was something I was cooking up out of ego and grandiosity. Much better to start with the humble seed, find the real love that already lives inside, keep coming back to it gently and let it transform and heal you. If it radiates out to others, it will happen naturally, not because *I* the great and powerful one have decreed it.

In addition to switching practices--which I think is a great idea, often necessary--I think one very important skill in the overall path is learning when not to practice. Not just on daily basis but when a few days or weeks off are warranted. This is tricky, of course, because people have a natural inclination to avoid sitting and there are certain times when extra push through aversion is needed. And yet, if I'm honest the breaks have often been as important as the times on. In the same way that quiet spots in music are as important or more than actually playing a note. This is particularly true where mental health issues are concerned.

A few thoughts... just IMHO and to use at your own discretion of course...

I think taking time away from practice is more successful post A&P, because the strong pull towards practice balances out the natural aversion.

Kundalini, once awake, continues to work outside of formal practice.

A good indication of when a "break" works is if you return to meditation and you have more clarity than when you were last practicing. This is a testable proposition, so something one can learn. In 18 years, I've had this happen a great number of times.

An important feeling to watch out for--particularly when you have some sense of kundalini's rhythm--is a kind of forceful pull away from the cushion. This is different from fear of practice or boredom--fear and/or boredom are actually the best times to practice. The feeling is more like being off the ride, in a minor way.

Short, intensive breaks are often great for practice. Something that pulls one away from oneself. I have always found movies to be great for this.

Here's a nice quote apropos of this discussion. I have found this to be true.

"It is important to note that we should make sure that our meditation suits our mind. If we feel comfortable doing analytical meditation on the various topics in a progressive way, we should go ahead with it. If, on the other hand, we find it difficult and it is not compatible with our mind, we should meditate on whatever topic we like.

If we enjoy meditation on emptiness, we should go ahead with this. If it suits us and we derive pleasure from meditating principally on the altruistic intention, we can emphasize this. At some point if we find that we cannot really get into whatever analytical meditation we have been doing, but doing prostrations, chanting mantra, visualizing a meditation deity, or reciting aspirational prayers brings peace and pleasure to our mind, we should do that practice."

--from Transforming Adversity into Joy and Courage: An Explanation of the Thirty-seven Practices of Bodhisattvas by Geshe Jampa Tegchok, edited by Thubten Chodron, published by Snow Lion Publications