Yadid's 'Get back on track' log

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted in a while since I kind of stopped practising for over a month! sheesh. Not very happy with it to say the least and decided today to stop thinking about it and start doing it!
So.. I'm gonna record what happens here.

Sat for an 50mins, kasina for 5 minutes and noted whatever is happening - got lost for a few minutes during the sitting, but mostly stayed on track. A bit of irritating vibrations in the mid of the sit, calmness and pulling at the crown towards end of sit.

I resolve to sit every day for at least an hour from now on, and continue from there.

Glad to see you 'back in the saddle'.

Hi Yadid,
Any specific reason for stopping?
(For me, before this year, it has been lack of confidence, in myself and in the "realness" of the teachings.)

Hey Pejn,
Good question, I was gonna post that but forgot.

So the realness and confidence is actually real strong here, but I got very obsessed with some project I came up with, and it took the place of my obsession with enlightenment.. I guess

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Can you describe what low equanimity feel like for you, Yadid?

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That's a pretty good description. Thanks for elaborating on what that looks like for you. I apologize -- I wasn't trying to call you out. I was actually curious, since I suspect I'm passing through that territory myself.

The 'head above water' is a phrase that resonates for me, mostly for the movement from a body-centered feeling to a more spacious, restful space where I feel a great deal of relief.

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I'm going to get you reading these notes out and then I'll put a kick-ass beat behind it....Ha! Dharmabeat Poetry, we'll spawn a genre.

When you mention the mind opening like an umbrella, I get what you're saying, do you ever notice the sense of the energy within the body rising up to the top-half of the head at this point? Your mentioned of that "head above water" sensation is bang on in my experience, the body's still there but there's nothing much happening 'below the surface', so to speak?

Thanks It came out of me spontanously after spending most of yesterday in fun Equanimity, and then dropping to the Dark Night at night (This tends to happen to me alot).

In regards to 'Head above the water', I must confess Nick coined that term while I was sharing my experiences of Eq with him.

I find equanimity to have the following: sense of freedom, weird-ness in regards to Self, strange objects, sometimes attention is pointed at an object which seems like a centre core, whatever that means!
haha.

When I say opens up like an umbrella, I mean that the whole mind is open, spacious, and the feeling of 'sitting here in the centre of the universe' or what you mentioned 'last person on earth' makes al ot of sense!

So... Stream-entry where the f*** are you?
Im sitting 3/4/5 hours a day now to get this going.

I know what you mean about dropping back into DN, when in Eq I find that there's a sort of natural flow to what's happening and sensations just present themselves in a really low-key way which can be quite difficult to note clearly as it feels completely normal. What generally works for me if I'm going for fruition is shifting into more of a sense of being quietly aware of what's happening, not noting frantically, and watching things unfold without me having to be a part of it. Fruition sneaks up on you, even if I resolve to get one it still appears without warning so don't exert much effort of looking for it happening or waiting for it to happen, again just let this all roll out naturally.

Gently turning the attention towards the sensations still implying that there's a me there to experience these things e.g. the sensations of trying to control the breath, just those subtle sensations which usually go by unnoticed, but it's not a matter of having laser-like multiple notes per second cause the focus is entirely different while in Eq so use that spaciousness. If you're getting into Eq then you're not a kick in the arse away from crossing the line so gently note the frustration, the effort, the desire for Path and just let them be, let them happen and be aware of what's still experiencing them. It seems like it's more about staying present, being curious about what's still left to see and balancing the effort involved than going hell for leather at this point.

This is all just personal opinion so it's subject to correction, this is just generally how I approach things while in Equanimity. I think having had that break from practice has probably reduced the momentum you've gathered in the past so just maintain a reasonable practice routine, don't burn yourself out and stress about getting this done. If you're practicing well it'll happen. Good luck : )

Hi tommy,
thanks for the advice. it seems helpful and solid, I will try.

In regards to momentum and overstraining: you're right, I did lose some momentum, but its back on track now as I got off retreat not long ago and practicing quite a bit now.
Obviously there's a part of me that wants to get this done already, and is going 'lets get streamentry!', and that part as essential as without that, I wouldn't be practicing, but as you said it shouldnt go unnoticed.
I am coming to accept the cycles of practice more now, and when the DN hits I just sit there going oh well DN lets take it like a man.

Hmm..
I started to suspect that part of whats missing is: expectation, fear, doubt, sitting and enjoying vastness and expansiveness.
Generally I do notice these, but not moment to moment.

So today I made extra effort to notice whats not being noticed, and then what I think to be the 11th nyana expanded even more.

That's the stuff!! Sounds like you're moving into High Equanimity, that sense of expansion usually kicks in just before I start noticing little drop outs and there's also a tendency at this point for me to get lost in thoughts unless I stay present. You're getting it done, just stay with what's happening and it'll happen naturally.

Also, note the effort, and note what's noticing. Turn the attention back towards what's experiencing these sensations and look at what that is too.

SWEET!

That's the ticket!

Allow everything to come into focus including the one trying to bring things into focus.

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I just visited dukkha nanas.
The depth of sadness, depth of despair,very heavy emotions.
i took it like a man. Now going out feeling fine. More sitting later

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I have come to the conclusion that fear, anxiety, confusion, indecision and even certainty about these issues [new progress cycles, cycles within cycles, frustration with where you are, etc] are clear markers of what needs to be investigated, i.e. those things themselves. In this way, these aspects of suffering have become trusted friends, clear signposts and red flags, as well as aspects of the goal, which is the path in the end. The more we realize that those very processes are it, those very sensations are it, the closer reality is to understanding itself. The closer reality is to understanding itself, the less fundamental suffering there is. "

I stumbled upon this quote from Daniel's book which I feel is great for me at the moment.

Couldn't agree more, Yadid! I'm sure that Jack Kornfield talks about a "persistent visitor" (or words to that effect), so let them in and invite them to stay for a while. They don't stay for long and they've got some good stories to tell. : )

Yeah, it's a great quote.
It reminds me of Owen Becker's slogan "There are no important sensations."
Lately a lot of frustration has been coming up for me. Shocker--THAT's what should be investigated, on a sensate level. A week or so prior to the frustration, the feeling that was coming up was basically its flipside: inspiration, a sense of progress being made.
Shocker--THAT was what needed to be investigated then. I can see how just a little bit of embeddedness in either of those phenomena sets up more suffering--i.e. inspiration=expectations/wanting=disappointment=frustration, and on and on...

I am visiting the DN in my sits nowadays.
I still try to keep up my daily ~3 x 1 hour sittings, and doing it out of commitment,
but the sits are quite hard - sometimes its full of self doubt and gross-ness, and sometimes, like today, intense aversion to sitting even though there's no actual pain going on, just intense vibratory stuff which is not intense in strength but in harshness - hard to describe, but its a feeling like I just have to get up ASAP because the sensations are so annoying.
Anywho, show goes on!

During these sits I try to play this little game where I try to sit as still as possible and dive deep into these vibrations, just for fun.

I also found that having meetings with an accomplished teacher from your favourite paradigm is great.
There's a dude who has done a few years of Mahasi practice up in Nepal and Burma, who teaches a weekly sitting.
Had a fun chat with him about my experiences and he basically sat there and went into the nyanas as I was describing my sitting (standard Mahasi teachers training I hear) and told me where he thinks I am, shared his experiences from those nyanas from his long retreats, etc..
Very encouraging and inspiring. Having online friends and teachers is amazing and has its own benefits, and also having some face-to-face contact with people who share the same degree of enthusiasm towards practice is great for me, from time to time.