Depression and Practice.

I have experienced depression for ages now and am sick of it (I am only a teenager and I feel like it is wasting my adolescence). I've tried therapy, medication, etc. The reason I bring this up is because I have been applying my vipassana practice to my emotions. My depression feels very solid and heavy in the center of my body (as if its a core part of "me"). Now, when I note it or become mindful of it I feel it becomes heavier and deeper and it rises into my forehead and makes my eyes want to get teary. I know that dissociating from it is not what I should do as it is against mindfulness (after all that is what I have been doing most of my life and it hasn't gotten rid of it). Then again while I am mindful of it I feel as if I am attaching myself to it and wallowing inside of it (solidifying it too). What am I to do? I don't want to deal with this the rest of my life as it affects my relationships and my ability to do the things I want. My parents don't even think I could even go away to college. By the way I am not depressed about any conditions in my life in particular so any changes in my life wont fix it. I have a lot of potential and in spite of everything I already easily got into a couple of selective art schools for next year. I say this so that no one suggests I try to "fix" something in my life; I have everything really. I can't see a good future for me if I continue to feel this way.

I guess the last couple of sentences aren't really practice related but I feel like I had to let it out....

"while I am mindful of it I feel as if I am attaching myself to it and wallowing inside of it (solidifying it too)"

Maybe you could note "attaching", "wallowing", "teariness", "crying", "solidifying", etc. You can note the DYNAMICS of the sensations. You'll discover that no sensation remains the same. Also, if you can name it, you're not embedded in it.

Find a meditation teacher, I recommend that you DO NOT do this on your own. Keep going to therapy, talking to a professional helps a lot. Being honest helps a lot.

"By the way I am not depressed about any conditions in my life in particular so any changes in my life wont fix it"

Some people get depressed because everything is perfect. Others because nothing seems satisfactory. I'm certain there are reasons for your depression. Nothing is born by itself. Not even depression. So, if medication is not helping, maybe you haven't found the reasons behing your depression. Keep looking.

I was depressed for many years too when I was a teenager, and I definitely felt like how you feel now. I'm not a therapist nor psychiatrist, but this is what I did:

- I went to therapy (7 to 8 years, psychoanalysis)
- Went to Self-help groups (12 step program)
- I learned how to be honest
- I learned how to meditate (I now teach meditation)
- Contrary to what I used to think, in therapy I discovered I had many reasons to be sad.
- I discovered that some of the reasons were very complicated mechanisms that I could not have discovered by myself.
- With the help of professionals, I learned how to feel my emotions.

All that helped. I am now in peace. So my advice is: keep relying on professional help, master the meditation techniques, invest in yourself, and DO NOT assume you know all the reasons behind your feelings.

Depression can end. Don't give up! Let us know how things are going.

Yeah, your post certainly reminded me of things I've been through. I don't wanna say I understand what you're going through, cuz who knows, but it definitely seems similar in some ways. I think the advice to remain open minded about the causal matrix of your depression is wise, and wish you the best.

In my own experience, depression and anxiety were a huge part of why I wanted to understand how my mind functions, in order to free myself from them. Lately, I have begun to see them as literally my greatest teachers. They show me exactly how attached and averse-- or how free-- my mind is, in how I react to their presence in my life.

It's easy to feel free when mind is happy and circumstances favorable, but the real opportunity is to discover freedom and peace in the midst of challenging circumstances and disturbed mind-states. It is definitely possible, as many here and elsewhere can attest, and you will find the support here to discover this for yourself in your own life. Freedom may not look like you expect it to, which is why having an open community of experienced practitioners can be such a help, support, and time saver. Thank you for sharing your experiences and I hope you keep us posted!

--Jake

Hi Eddy,

I gather from your post that this depression you're experiencing has a strong somatic component (i.e. physical sensation). Is that the part that is the hardest for you to cope with? You also mentioned that you've been applying your vipassana practice to your emotions. What kinds of emotions are there?

You can tell me if I'm wrong, but I'm also inferring from your post that you really want the depression to go away. So much, in fact, that you believe your future plans and goals are at stake (moving from home, going to art school). Is that right?

Without knowing the causes and specific symptoms of your depression, I can only suggest that you use your meditation time to practice reduce how much you are struggling with these sensations and emotions. Without knowing how to make them go away, you can at least begin learning how to change your relationship to them. You're right in saying that dissociating from the experience is not very helpful, as it ends up being an avoidant strategy that can make the symptoms worse over time. But taking the time to allow yourself to have the experience, without guilt or shame or struggle, can reduce the impact of the distress related to the symptoms.

If going to a psychologist or counselor hasn't worked in the past, it's possible that you just haven't found one that works for you. If you're up to it, it might be a good idea to find a skillful therapist who can perhaps give you some tools to navigate this aspect of life in a way that relieves some of the suffering. I'm biased, though. I'm currently in graduate school to become a psychotherapeutic counselor (just so you know where I'm coming from).

I hope you find some relief very soon.

Jackson

"Nothing is born by itself. Not even depression. So, if medication is not helping, maybe you haven't found the reasons behing your depression. Keep looking."

"I think the advice to remain open minded about the causal matrix of your depression is wise, and wish you the best."

Thanks. Will do. I just don't know where to start.

"I gather from your post that this depression you're experiencing has a strong somatic component (i.e. physical sensation). Is that the part that is the hardest for you to cope with?"

At times the physical sensations are the harder things to cope with. However, a lot of the time it is my behavior and inability to engage in things with motivation that really gets to me.

"You also mentioned that you've been applying your vipassana practice to your emotions. What kinds of emotions are there?"

Depression, laziness, irritation, anger, restlessness, despair, low energy/ high energy. Not saying these are the only things I experience. I do have moments where I feel better but a great deal of time throughout the day is spent in these states.

"If going to a psychologist or counselor hasn't worked in the past, it's possible that you just haven't found one that works for you."

I've been through quite a few in my life. More than I can remember (definitely above 10). I would look for one but I have really lost hope in them. Also I won't really be able to stick with one since I'll hopefully be moving out later this year.


Thank you everyone for all the replies. Good to see so much great feedback on these forums.