Chuanose's Practice Journal II

A little background, I started learning meditation with Kenneth in April 2010, and this was the thread that covers the start until stream entry kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/3885988/A+Sitting+Journal . I'm starting this new thread to log the journey between stream entry and second path.

In my last posting in the previous thread, I was seeing what Kenneth described as review phase A. My concentration was pretty strong and I could move up through the jhanas and stages very quickly. I usually start a sit at a&p, where there is excitement and strong eye pulses that result in seeing pulsing brightness. I've also experienced the no-self fruition several times since, but have not managed to pinpoint any particular blips. I could only identify them because I get dumped from being in high equanimity to suddenly "waking up" in a&p.

I think I now start my sits from the first stage, there is new kind of solidity forming around my forehead area. I find that if I relax and put the focus somewhere in the back half of the head, i can go up the stages as before quite rapidity, but if i focus on this solidity on my forehead i seem to be stuck in the initial stages with 1st jhana symptoms - the solidity pulses away in "one piece" while i find my focus is quite sharply paying attention to it. There is a growing wish that it will dissolve and that I can sink into it.

I haven't been practicing too much, maybe 20mins of sitting a day. Today i started at 1st nana where it sort of feels like a new kind of solidity that has spread out around. Next I worked up to equanimity, which is somehow grosser than before, and was dumped back at a&p. Not sure if that means I'm between review a and b?

As before, I've not been sitting too often, and whenever I sit it still starts with solidity and it takes some time to work up to A&P.

I feel like i'm soaking in each jhana deeper, and feel more "present" in them than before. I also get a sense I've been progressing in the background, even though i'm not formally sitting that much, as if the cooking process is going on in daily life.

I've also just had another fruition in my last sit. I can't tell if its a no-self or impermanence fruition, but its the clearest one I've felt so far. It feels like the experience/visual field is blacking out in waves, deeper and deeper, and then i find myself back in A&P. I feel light-headed now...

Keep us posted.

Today I felt my awareness was clearer and there was a prevailing calmness. There was some pulsing or energetic activity in the middle of the head, but otherwise sensations just felt light and unsticky. I'm regularly drawn to the lightness in my ears and just accepting the sounds in the present. Peaceful.

At night my sit started with moderate activity in the middle of the head. As I get up to equanimity I get the familar tightening in the forehead like in a surprised expression. Concentration is getting better with time and equanimity seems to soak through more extensively, not sure how to describe this...

Ever since stream entry I've not been noticing much DN phases, usually I go quite smoothly to equanimity. However since about a week ago the more unpleasant stages and their transitions like pre-A&P and DN have become clearer. e.g. some pulsations of jarring frequencies that I had in the past are back, and again I'm getting the severe forehead tensing during equanimity. I'm also noticing my tongue involuntarily tensing against the back of the my gums.

I also don't think I had a fruition a while, but in my last sit I think I had a special one. I was in some kind of mid equanimity, there were lots of thoughts and distractions, some frustrations and stress, but generally I could watch through it quite impersonally. Then I got tired of the distracting thoughts and tried to concentrate/relax my awareness further by going back to follow the breath, and gradually i found the sounds quieten significantly and my mind clarifies into high equanimity. Progressively I find I'm approaching something new unlike the usual fruition, there was less and less "me" as the energy seems to go up and flow around the top of the head. As usual I didn't experience any obvious cessation moment, just a series of experiences of getting less and less aware, but never really unaware, and i found myself back down but in a blissful, very calm, quiet state which is like a deep equanimity.

Yesterday I had an interesting sit. It felt like I was stuck before a&p with some solidity in my head for quite sometime. There wasn't much unpleasantness apart from the desire to sink through this solidity. A&P then came in clearly and satisfyingly as I felt myself sink through this solid mass in the middle of my head a little more.

Throughout this I felt very present, like there is a strong focus in the areas around the inner ears, the centre of the head and the sense of self. These areas made up the solid mass.

As I progressed on to 3rd n 4th jhana I felt myself sinking deeper and deeper through this mass. My inner ears feel stretched and sensitive. I was in high e for sometime and I think had several fruitions which put me back into light 2nd jhana but I could easily and quickly move back up again. I felt very blissed out and calm and very present.

This morning I woke up with the same stretched and sensitive feeling in my inner ears. It feels like something physical in my head has changed and I've sunk through some solidity permanently. The feeling is like the day after stream entry, but instead of being just at the centre of the head, the feeling is also at the side of the brain next to the ears.

I started my sit today in 2nd jhana and moved up to 4th pretty quickly and again had a few fruitions, apparently cycling between 2nd and 4th a few times.

Wonder if this is just a big a&p or could it be 2nd path?

The strange feeling in my ears and head are still around but slowly dissipating away. My attention is better than before, i feel like I can and want to be more present. I start my sits and very quickly hit 2nd jhana and then 4th jhana. However some how there has been a strong DN-like dissatifaction and moody-ness pervading this change too. I feel anxious, worried, unhappy, irrational, but yet i can remain present and watch these emotions. Wonder what's going on

So the dissatisfaction lasted just three days, it went away the day after the previous post and now feels like a more stablised calm has emerged. It seems that can watch my thoughts and emotions a notch clearer than before, and their non-self quality too. In my last sit I can follow an energetic ring slowly going up my head, as it reached the middle the a&p symptoms kicked in, and as it goes up slowly moves up to the top of the head it opens up to 4th jhana.

I think I might be hitting the Arupa jhanas too. I felt like my awareness stretching up and outwards, a little like an expanding inverted cone pinned to my neck. It doesn't expanding like it is filling up my room, contrary to my prior expectatons, just a kind of giddy slight stretching or moving of awareness. I'm not so sure how to describe what happened in the subsequent stage, but it feels like my eye focus changed, there was some strobing, and there was a stage somewhat like a horizontal black line expanding left and right. There was also a stage of slight darkness and reduced sensation, somewhat like dullness. Throughout this, I could still have thoughts, and could still feel my body, but the energy seems focused and vibrating in the head.

Just had a session with Kenneth last Friday, and I'm happy to say that he thinks its likely I attained 2nd path a month ago in the sit detailed in post #7. He also went through the Arupa Jhanas with me and I managed to go up to the 8th jhana. However they are still not that clear/stable yet so I'll need more practice here!

I'm now trying to stay in the witness during the day but its not easy. Its takes effort to stay there as I tend to "relax" back into observing background sensations and sounds instead of the witness. The energetic symptoms in my head and inner ears, and the tense forehead is back in my usual sits.

Congratulations!!! Nothing stopping you now!!
Thanks for the description, and the entire journal, I'm hoping to join you soon.

Sounds nice!
Great work!

Hi Chuanose.
Congratulations!
I will be fun to see how it works out for you. Log more!

Thanks everyone! I haven't posted in a while, I'm not sure why but I'm increasingly feeling a strong inertia to post

Earlier in July I had another session with Kenneth, and he was about to go through the witness with me, though I was somewhat familiar with it. I mentioned to him that it felt unnatural to me, and that I was increasing defaulting into a more expansive and quiet awareness that just watches everything, and sharply listening to sounds that appear in my ears. He then introduced me to 3rd gear and taught me about the looseness, brightness and lucidity, and I'm not sure if i'm fooling myself, but it did sort of click. When I get into that zone i just don't feel like doing anything, and let it be.

I then bought a new computer and for some reason got back into playing some computer games. That really bought back dissatisfaction and lots of discursive thinking which I wasn't aware of before. I can now see the effects it brings me, like delusion and suffering when my mind is embedded and trying to struggle to reach some objective and win the game. Letting it all go was peace.

So the shock of realizing how embedded I still was by going back to these games spurred me back to the cushion again. Today I've had several sits, and there was much energetic feeling in the head again, and there was a feeling of a need to get the tension in the mind resolved. Kenneth's recent article on Buddhist Geek's about Mahamudra noting and using listening as the tool really resonated with me, as all this while I find myself preferring listening and just expansive watching to the usual nothing.

Anyway that led to a pretty extended and clear impermanence fruition, I could clearly see the repeated dipping into darkness and after that feel much more resolved and back in A&P. Like 1st and 2nd path moments, I feel the sense of another chunk of energetic mass dissolved away, and my inner ears feel weird in a similar way. I also find myself very easily going up the Arupa Jhanas. Not sure if this means anything as I understand I'll have to go through lots of cycles from 2nd to 3rd path. But I'm going to do some reading about NS to see if I can get it

Wow I've not posted in a more than a year, but I'm still practicing, even though momentum has went up and down. I'm went through many cycles and "could this be 3rd path?" fruitions and now I don't really care about them. I've recently started reading and watching Eckhart Tolle on Youtube and his message about the Now really resonates with me.

Nowadays I more frequently get phases where I feel present, the mind is quieter than usual and the senses are awake. However I still get lost in the busy-ness of life, but inevitably I feel pulled back into practicing after I realize how much suffering I am causing myself yet again.

I find that I need to maintain my attention to relax the mind into the present. After a while I lose the attention and there will be these involuntary contractions in my head that narrow my focus or cause unpleasant tension. Sometimes these feel like chunks of mental/physical habit patterns, like when a thought about work-related stress appears and then I feel the familiar tightening at various parts inside my head. I watch the tension and it slowly dissolves and I'm present again, but not for long. I wish these habits can dissolve away forever so I can just rest in peace.

Hi Chuanose!

I think we was in the same place last summer, and when I read this I can really relate to all of it.

"many cycles and "could this be 3rd path?" fruitions and now I don't really care about them"
many, many...


"I find that I need to maintain my attention to relax the mind into the present."
Yes!

"I wish these habits can dissolve away forever so I can just rest in peace."
Same wish here.
But as Kenneth said: As you walk closer to the horizon it still seems equally far away. (scrambled quote)
Keep walking!

Thanks for the encouragement PEJN, I've read through your current journal and I find you expressed quite a lot of how I feel right now pretty well too. I haven't been practicing consistently on the cushion for a while, but after reading your post on practicing the jhanic arc I decided to do the same.

After a few days of practicing the jhanic arc, I think I made some special progress on Sunday and today. I felt my attention was steadier than usual, and as I let-go and watched, the mind jumped from one state to the other in a very clear shift each time. The last time I felt like this must have been after a path moment. However now even the 7th and 8th jhana shifted very clearly.

The interesting thing is at 8th Jhana, I felt a sucking upwards motion, and then I saw warm light flooding my eyes and feel it flow down through the arms and upper body. The eyes were strongly darting around in REM, and there was blissful and pleasant sensations in the body. In some aspects its like 2nd jhana. As I steadied into the state I think I felt the attention go up to the top of the head and the energy sort of calmed down, but the eyes were still in REM. From what I read this seems like PL 1 and 2, but I'm not sure.

After that when I went down the arc, I felt very very blissed out. It feels like my brain was flooded with some drugs or something, there are heavy pulses of dull bliss, and I didn't want to have any mental activity.

One side thing I learnt recently - it seems easier not to manipulate experience when I just try to watch how attention involuntarily jumps around.