Falling off the cliff (practice journal)

I started off noting the complex vibration in my chest again, but it was very faint this time and went away pretty quickly. Then there was stillness for a while, and I noted some feelings of sadness and resignation about my health (I've had a sore throat for the past few days, and these past few months in general it seems I've been getting sick a lot). I think I must have briefly fallen asleep at this point, because I suddenly had a sensation like I was waking up, and I noticed that my awareness in the previous moment hadn't been anywhere that I could remember. Then my sense of where my body was in the room became very fuzzy and distorted, and it felt like the space of the room itself was pressing up on both sides of my head, like I was in a very narrow passage. I felt a lot of heat radiating from my skin, which was mildly unpleasant. Finally, I noticed that the stillness filling the space of the room and my mental space seemed to be very subtly vibrating at a high frequency.

Not much happened today, I spent most of the sit feeling relaxed and open and investigating stillness. A thunderstorm started outside and I noted my reactions to the thunder and the power going out (surprise, fear, excitement, wondering how wet I'm going to get when I walk to the bus stop later, etc). Yet within all of these mental states, the stillness was still there. Body sensations I noted were mainly tingling, pulsations, warmth, touching, pressure; very little tension, aching, or pain compared to previous sits.

I did another 20-minute sit this evening. Again for most of the session I was very relaxed and open to the stillness. At one point I was alternating between noticing a tingling on my forehead and the sound of the A/C across the room. It occurred to me that even though the tingling is physically closer to "me" than the A/C is (if by "me" I mean a little homunculus inside my head , the sensation of the tingling isn't actually any "closer" than the sound of the A/C, they are both directly present in my awareness. Then the stillness, the space in which these sensations take place, seemed like a thick sheet of fabric that was gently waving in front of my awareness. What was weird was that the sensations in my head were also a part of this fabric, so my awareness seemed to be just behind my head somehow, instead of inside it like it usually is. When I noticed this, then my awareness was back inside my head, but now the stillness became more three-dimensional and was like a thick fog or spongy substance that was filling all of the space both within and outside my body. I felt a sense of anticipation, but then I got into a coughing fit (still not over this cold I've had since Friday) and I lost my concentration. I spent the rest of the sit feeling very relaxed and noting mainly body sensations (warmth, tingling, pressure, numbness).

"It occurred to me that even though the tingling is physically closer to "me" than the A/C is (if by "me" I mean a little homunculus inside my head , the sensation of the tingling isn't actually any "closer" than the sound of the A/C, they are both directly present in my awareness." -Cliff

Yes! Neither is "I". No phenomenon has a greater claim to self than any other. Either everything is me or nothing is. The self/other distinction is nothing more than a bad habit.

Nice insights, Cliff.

"Yes! Neither is "I". No phenomenon has a greater claim to self than any other. Either everything is me or nothing is. The self/other distinction is nothing more than a bad habit."

Well, I think of it more as a convenient fiction than a bad habit, but yes, I see what you're saying, Kenneth. And yet, I hope my immune system can still make a firm distinction between "self" and "other", so that I can finally get over this stupid cold I've had for the past week now.

Another way I've thought about this is that we're all part of the same gigantic mess of atoms interacting with each other, it's just that we each have our own perspective from which we view the rest of the universe.

These journal entries are getting harder to write, I seem to be accessing more unfamiliar states of consciousness lately. Anyways, the first few minutes of this morning's sit I noted mainly body sensations (coolness, tingling, vibration). Then I became aware of the sound of the A/C and the reddish-orange field of color behind my closed eyelids. This put me into a deep trance where I was mainly noting not much else besides "seeing", "hearing", and "spaciousness", although sometimes it wasn't easy to distinguish between the three. My body seemed to be nothing more than an empty shell or a thin membrane existing within this combined field of sight/sound/spaciousness. Occasionally a thought would arise, but otherwise there didn't seem to be much mental activity besides the perception of sight and sound. I spent most of the session in this state, then a few minutes before the timer rang I suddenly came out of the trance and became aware of body sensations and mental states again.

As soon as I closed my eyes, I went into the seeing/hearing trance that I encountered in the last session. I also noticed the complex pulsations in my chest from the last few sessions, and they would keep recurring throughout most of the sit. My visual field seemed to be an infinite two-dimensional plane slicing vertically through my head just behind my eyeballs. Gradually I noticed that the fields of color (reddish-orange with greenish-blue highlights) moving in front of me were themselves shimmering or flickering, and it looked somewhat like stop-motion animation. About halfway through I noticed some hypnogogic phenomena again, but it wasn't very intense and went away after a few minutes. I felt a weird uncomfortableness throughout the session, and a few minutes before the bell rang, I suddenly felt very uneasy. I broke my sitting posture and hugged my legs, which made me feel better.

I started off noting lots of pleasant/neutral body sensations (coolness, pressure, tingling). My visual field again became an infinite two-dimensional plane with shimmering clouds of color. Following my teacher's advice, I tried to notice the relationship between the observer (which seemed to be a single point outside of the plane) and the experience. At first I felt some unease and tension, which I noted. Then I decided to relax and let whatever was going to happen to happen, and I would note it. A thought occured that there was some kind of rapid switching back and forth between the observer point and the plane of experience, but I wasn't sure if I was just imagining that or not. I relaxed some more and kept noting the shimmering and flickering nature of the stuff going on in the visual plane, along with some itching that kept taking place in my ears and on my face. All of a sudden, I got the sense that not only was I looking at the clouds of color, but they were looking at me too! I laughed out loud, then said "It's aliiiive..." I no longer felt a sense of disconnection from the visual field I was observing, rather I felt like I and it were part of the same process. Then the bell rang, and I felt a sense of gratitude for what I had been shown today.

"A thought occured that there was some kind of rapid switching back and forth between the observer point and the plane of experience"

Yes, exactly. They aren't separate.

Hey Vince. Yeah, I see that now. It's funny how I realize now that all of this tension I felt about observing the observer was self-created, since in order for there to be an observer I had to split off part of the experience of the present moment and designate it as the object of experience, making whatever was left over the subject.

Here's this morning's sit, posted a little late:

There were some complex pulsations in the center of my chest to start with, then coolness/tingling/itching on my skin. I briefly noticed the lump of lower back pain from when I was going through the A+P, but it was not very strong. I then felt some doubt about whether I was really noticing it or just imagining it, and this doubt turned into an intense fear that stayed for a few moments. The fear went away and everything became very quiet. I noted some boredom at this point while waiting for something to happen. Gradually my visual field became very flat again and I watched the clouds of color moving through it. I again got the funny sensation that they were watching me just as much as I was watching them. I felt a sense of relief and amusement. The last few minutes of the sit I noted body sensations (mainly itching and heaviness) and felt a little bored and sleepy. This session seemed to last longer than usual, and there were several times throughout where I didn't really feel like noting anything, I just wanted to sit in silence.

Started off with body sensations of coolness, itching, pulsating in chest, and mild lower back aching. The chest vibrations developed into a sense of excitement and anticipation. Then all of this quieted down and spaciousness became more noticeable. I noticed that the sense of spaciousness is not something special or distinct from other sensations, it is just as much a part of the total experience in each moment as any other sensation is. And all of it makes up how "me" is manifesting in the present moment. I spent the rest of the sit resting within the spaciousness and noting any sensations that came up and their relationship to the spaciousness. At the very end, I had the thought, "When is the bell going to ring?", and then at that moment the bell rang.

I didn't get much sleep last night, so I spent today's sit feeling very tired throughout. It went similarly to yesterday, there were many body sensations at first which gradually fell away leaving spaciousness. About halfway through I suddenly felt uncomfortable and got the urge to lie down, so I got off the cushion and laid on my bed for the rest of the sit. I felt a little more relaxed afterwards, but I also noticed a tendency to spin off various chains of dreamlike thoughts. I probably would've fallen asleep if I had laid there for much longer.

Great reports, Cliff. Nice details! Thanks!

Thanks jgroove. It's been getting harder for me to describe what's going on in my sits, so I'm glad to hear my reports still make some sense.

The lower back aching was more prominent at the start of this sit. I then went through a bout of intense fear, which was expressed mainly through visual thoughts. Then there were many trains of thought along with some sleepiness and boredom. My insomnia has been worse than usual these past few days, so the sleepiness may be due to that. I tried to stay open to whatever experience was occurring for the rest of the sit, but I felt constricted at times, in particular I felt some heaviness or pressure in my chest. Towards the end I got the sense that all of this noting that I'm doing is creating an artificial feeling of separation between "me" and "experience". Really all of it is as much "me" as anything else that is present in my experience, and the trains of thought and sense of perspective that I normally identify as being the subject of experience is not something distinct, it is a part of the experiential world as well.

Sounds like you're making progress.
I've found that certain phases(nanas, jhanas, stages, whatever) seem to cause sleepiness in my sits as well, but it's usually only for a short time(10 minutes ~). The idea of "me" seems(in my experience) to be equal to every other sensation. The idea of "me" is the same as an itch, or desire for ice cream. I just give it more importance. I may well be wrong so take what I say with a healthy dose of skepticism.

Feeling sleepy tends to trigger feelings of anxiousness and frustration in me and worries about my health, because I've been a chronic insomniac for most of my life now. But you're right, when the sleepiness shows up during a sit, it only tends to last for a few minutes. I guess I can try telling myself that I can wait it out if it shows up again.

I think this past week has been about me seeing how the idea of "me" fits in with everything else, and putting it in its proper place instead of elevating it to a place of undue importance.

Yesterday's (very intense) sit:

The night before this sit, while I was either falling asleep or waking up in the middle of the night, I had three distinct "flickering-out" events where everything in my perception completely went away for a moment, then came back. At the beginning of this sit there was a strong heartache and feeling of vulnerability in my chest. Then it seemed like I was staring into a long tunnel, and I was very interested in what was going on at the other end of the tunnel. There were the flickering clouds of color again, and they coalesced into a single large pale bluish-white circle, which seemed to be like a giant eye staring back at me. I had the sense that there was something rapidly alternating back and forth, and my body felt very hard like it was made of stone. I was staring very intently into the tunnel/eye with a lot of focus, and I felt somehow drawn into the dark phases between the flickers. Suddenly a visual thought flashed into my mind where I saw myself from a perspective outside and to the right of my body, and I saw how I was staring intently into the empty space in front of my face. The bell rang at this point, but I felt like I was on the verge of something, so I kept practicing for another ten minutes. It felt like "I" was somehow synching up with the flickering, and the blackness between flickers was being sucked up into "me" almost like it was some kind of weird fluid permeating everything solid. Then something felt resolved, but I can't saw what it was exactly. I slowly laughed out loud, but this felt more like surprised or even fearful laughter instead of happy laughter, and I was a little creeped out by it. Eventually I opened my eyes, and I noticed there was a yellowish-white afterimage in front of my eyes in the shape of a small twelve-pointed star. This lasted for a good ten minutes or so after the sit.

And now today's sit, which was a lot more relaxed and gets kind of new-agey at the end:

Started off with feelings of relaxing and contentment. I became aware of spaciousness again, this time it seemed like a hard substance filling all of space, forming a solid wall right in front of my face. Over time this sense of solidity softened, and spaciousness now seemed more like a quivering jelly that was filling up all of the space around my body. I noticed a constant exchange going on between "me" and the spaciousness. Whenever consciousness expands, the spaciousness jelly recedes to give it room to grow, and whenever consciousness contracts, the spaciousness jelly expands to fill the leftover space. I felt a sense of safety and security from this process, like I'm constantly enclosed inside a cocoon of spaciousness that can hold whatever arises in my mind.

(cont'd)

I then decided to investigate the constricted feeling around my heart that has been coming up in the last few sessions. At first it seemed like a very tight knot of thick ropes under a lot of strain, then I noticed that there was this alternating pulling and squeezing on the ropes causing the knot to constantly change shape. The strain on the ropes seemed to be a major problem, so I somehow used the alternating pushing and pulling forces to loosen the knot, and it gradually came undone. There were feelings of soreness and piercing pain in my chest, but also a sense of relief. Then I had the sense that there was a glowing yellow ball of energy right around my heart, and that the ropes had been surrounding it tightly, preventing it from having any space to breathe. Now that the ropes had been loosened, the heart energy expanded to fill the leftover space, and I felt a larger sense of relief from this. A thought occurred to me that these ropes were originally here to protect the heart energy from being damaged when I was a child growing up, but now they've outlived their usefulness and it's time to get rid of them and let the heart energy stand on its own. Finally I noticed that the heart energy was subtly expanding and contracting on its own, just as the spaciousness jelly had been before.

Well, it's my lunch time now, so I think I'll make myself a peanut butter and spaciousness jelly sandwich.

Wow--that is a marvelous report. Hope the sandwich tasted spacielicious!

The great thing about spaciousness jelly is that it can taste like whatever you want it to.

So for the past week I've been trying a different practice called Mahamudra noting, where you only note expanding mental states. So if you experience a contracting state like worry or anger, then you note as the corresponding expanding state that holds it, like vulnerability or acceptance. I've been finding it very challenging, and I seem to have a lot of internal resistance to it for some reason. When I do it, it feels like I'm constantly off-balance or going against the normal flow of consciousness. Maybe that's the point of this practice? I'm not sure.

Here are my notes for each session (I only did four this week):

Sunday 7/3
This was only my second time using this technique, and it's taking me a while to get used to it. Lots of body tension and aching, which I noted as allowing or accepting. The heartache kept recurring throughout the sit, and I noted this as allowing, holding, caring, compassion. Towards the end I had an image of two hands (my hands?) holding my heart and offering it out to the world. There was also an intense feeling of vulnerability throughout the session.

Tuesday 7/5
Very tired throughout the sit. Lots of tension and resistance in the body, which I noted as allowing/accepting. There wasn't much going on in the heart area this time. For the last five minutes I got off the cushion and laid on my bed, and that felt more relaxing. Still feeling unsure about this practice, it seems to bring up an intense vulnerability which I haven't gotten comfortable with yet.

Thursday 7/7
This was a frustrating session at first. Started off with lots of racing thoughts about everything going on in my life recently (mainly my health problems), and they took several minutes to settle down. I noted all of this as allowing/accepting, and after a while got frustrated that that was the only thing I could note. Then I became more aware of my posture, and the thoughts seemed to calm down somewhat and felt confined to a smaller space within my head. After this I was able to note stillness for the remainder of the sit. The thoughts kept returning, then receding, but they were never became as distracting as they were at the beginning. Towards the end I was more aware of the visual field and the yellowish-orange clouds swirling around in it.

Friday 7/8
I immediately became aware of stillness when I sat down, and noted nothing else for the first few minutes. Then I kept getting caught up in lots of explaining and rehearsing thoughts throughout the rest of the session, with that alternating with the awareness of the stillness. About halfway through I had a realization that in order to be peaceful and still, I also have to accept being bored a lot of the time. I have a lot of internal resistance to boredom though, and it's difficult for me to just allow myself to be bored without feeling an overwhelming urge to do something about it.

Monday 7/11
For this session I switched back and forth between noting the 4Fs and Mahamudra noting, doing whatever was easier at the moment. It went a lot more smoothly this time, and I wasn't left with feelings of frustration and being stuck afterwards. There was some lower back aching at first along with throbbing/pulsating throughout the body, which was mildly unpleasant. I also noticed that each note would come to mind as an auditory thought first, and then after a moment I would say it out loud. Then I switched to Mahamudra noting and noted the corresponding tenderness and vulnerability associated with the unpleasant sensations. This put me in a more peaceful state where it was easier to perceive the inherent stillness pervading experience. I spent the rest of the sit mostly noting this stillness along with the feelings of openness and patience that would arise with it, but also noting 4Fs whenever it felt appropriate to do so. There was a sense of being surrounded and watched by experience itself. It occurred to me that the distinction between up and down is arbitrary from this point of view, and I imagined myself upside down with the earth above me. This brought to mind a strange dream I had just before waking up where I watched two planets collide with each other, creating an enormous explosion.