Keith' path journal

Okay sat 40 min but what a ride noting out loud and noting internally
1. very quickly felt euphoric surges very fast vibrating / tingling in whole body
to the point where my mouth was dropping open and sighs were coming out. not sure how long it lasted
2. noted nausea fear amongst bright pinching and very loud steady high frequency pitch in ear
3. Then noted a different sense of pleasant more clear calmer than the very first pleasant stage. body swaying was noted
some third eye pulsing early on in the sit. this def felt like a ride and most of the things noted i have experienced before. in a similar order if not the same order.

Just a side note i sat this morning for 1hr but did the body scan method with anapana and had a different experience it felt equanimous when i say equanimous i mean i can sit comfortably for a long time same with the sit tonight but there was less action it was smoother which i equate with more drifting and less insight but not sure.

cheers

Sat 1 hr this morning. made a point of noting and not just scanning. Quickly noted bright pin point pinching sensations twitching, tasting, seeing, hearing the frequency I'm hearing is not really high pitched it is steady not overwhelming wish I could say exactly which frequency it is. It is not uncomfortable. it does grow somewhat in intensity if I focus on it.
THis is starting to seem like a repeat up and down what I think is the jhanic arch. Fast moving vibrations noted equanimity reached quickly in the sit, today I noted felling sick like I might actually vomit. THis has been repeating itself in the last couple of sits. Kept Noting all types of sensations pleasant un-pleasant few neutral noted thoughts wandering future past,
Once the feeling of being sick was over I noted swaying motion not intense very subtle upper body mostly. noted body felt firm perception did shift after the feeling sick part. I really wanted to get through it today though noted that thought. tried to locate the sense of self second gear not sure how much luck I had with that was sort of looking around in my head couldn't find it really. Noted pleasant sensations mixed with pressure twitching aversion, just tried to keep noting as much as possible. I have also noted an increase in wandering mind near the end of the sits recently. past futurizing. I'm gonna keep on trucking.

60 min sit , started with 3 rounds of 10 breaths, to get settled in. Intended to note out loud first body sensations, started with twitching, itching, tension pressure, pulsing,
bright pinching pin point, hearing pitched background ring, feet touching ground , hands clasping together, belly rising and falling. Noted some thoughts that popped up while I was focusing
on sensations. Added pleasant neutral unpleasant noting to sensations, moist lips pleasant, pinching unpleasant aversion, tingling bright in testicles short quick pleasant, noted pressure in the third eye area noted , tension in the spine un pleasant, noted rigidity , then opened it up to mind states and mind objects i.e. thoughts. memory thoughts planning thoughts noted humor noted gratitude, kept my eyes open most of the time posyure felt very solid, my eyes naturally closed at some point and I started to induce the eye scanning eyes rolling back in the head.
just a few quick moments of the sweet spot felt like I was trying kinda hard and it did not want to latch in the groove. when I noted the mind wandering I opened eyes noted the thought
went back to noting belly rising falling. noted vibrations throughout the body was unsure to call them tingling vibrations , noted wind cool pleasant. Did have one sensation on my hand that caught my attention more so than others seemed new. It was on my hand and it was a warm quarter size sensation went a few centimeters deep semi solid seemed to glow a bit felt pleasant. I remember trying to connect it to a thought but could not. Noted my self trying to catch the ends of sensations noting when they ended seeing / noting their impermanence.
Sit ended timer went off and I felt like I could keep sitting effortless sitting noting equanimity. more thoughts were being noted as the hour came to a close. I did note some swaying in the middle of the sit very subtle.

cheers

Sat several times yesterday.
30min guided metta mediation by Gil Fronsdal at Audio Dharma
Then 57 min anapana meditation with a resolve to stay in the first Jhana based on readings in Practicing the Jhanas by Stephen Snyder & Tina Rasmussen.
60min meditation noting practice ala mahasi noting.

The last sit ties into this mornings sit in a sense that the feeling of solidity or better said rigidity or strength of my posture is similar.
Subtle sensations are present and noted, but there is also the sense of strong base.

Sat this morning 60 min noting practice - ramp up time or time it takes to get settled is just a minute or two I have incorporated the counting of the breath at the start of a sit making a point of doing 3 counts of 10. noted a increase in the number of bright pin cushion sensations arising in greater number and sometimes
simultaneously. I noted having a thought that it felt a bit like acupuncture. also noted that the awareness of my hands and where they were located seemed to flop I could no longer tell where my fingers were exactly. this happened for a short period then i was off noting another sensation. pressure, heat, tension,
tingling, tight gyrating of the body very subtle, noted the sensation of vibrating a bit found it hard to pin point Kenneth has asked me in the past to make the distinction between tingling and i think cycling. Not sure Daniel talks about cycles alot I just tried to call it up now while i was typing. I get confused with heart pulse and cycling. noted thoughts planning future past, humor sleepiness. pressure around the third eye. I have to say the noting or being aware of sensation is kinda not stopping off the cushion. I'm sort of bussing now non stop. feel a real pull to sit a lot more. The pin cushions are present right now.
Felt just a short surge of the type of euphoric kind of surge that I'be have in the past few weeks and the sense of being neutral and pretty equanimous towards the phenomena being noted. I think i peeked at the map the other day and maybe read that but it's does ring true eyes just went into scanning as I'm sitting here. Basic frequency that I forget the name of is present does not drown out anything it's just a background thing I can focus in on as an object.
Well this is getting interesting. Theme of recents sits has been reaching a stable base of concentration one of the last things kenneth told me was a great deal of concentration is needed for stream entry.

sat 60 min noting a loud with a resolve to keep my eyes open. At some point my eyelids got heavy and wanted to go into scanning fluttering. I obliged and when the mind started to wander I opened my eyes again. I started the meditation by simply noting whatever was coming up so I went in no order and noted sensations, feeling tones pleasant unpleasant neutral - mind states - pissed, happy, grateful, curious, sad, frustrated, mind objects thoughts planning future past planning, intentions. tried to keep my eyes open when surges arrived where I usually give into the pleasant feeling. I tried to look at them. The noting a loud ended after about 30 min I was still noting but noting and observing the subtler sensations appearing / arising / where do they come from?


I did notice tight swaying again and noted the vibrations going on they are looking more and more like cycling gyrating not just tingling. After the sit
back pain arrived intense cramping in lower back area. I know it ain't me but it is unpleasant : ) trying to note more and more during the day. hands steps peddling on bike. TRying to watch the gossip at work too. Very hard the second the boss leaves the room we start. Why is that so fun so soothing for the ego.
I guess it's not hard to figure out. Silence is golden : )

Just sat for another 45 min shortly after the 60 min sit. I really would like to go on retreat and crack this thing. I got the itch bad now.
Body buzzing . The equanimity is pretty strong thoughts are still being noted shorts blips of nothingness looking at the breath and the rest of the sensations to see if they are syncing up. Headache back pain still when i sit they are manageable.

Wow so it's been that long since my last post. Got back from a 10 day Goenka retreat on Sunday.
I guess there is no such thing as a bad retreat, that's what I kept telling my self as the craving for stream entry turned into the realization that it might not happen on this trip. This was my 9th retreat with Mr. G but the first one since running into Kenneth and the noting practice. There is alot of ground and sensations that I'd like to cover but for now I just wanted to get something down on the page and get the practice or writing about my practice into gear.

Hey there, so one thing the retreat did do was strengthen my practice at home. Just sat for 60 min using the scanning method trying to stay aware of wandering. I remember noticing that my ability to see the 3 characteristics clearly seems to be somewhat lacking.
I guess I feel stuck in my old way of practicing which was just let my awareness focus in on subtle sensations till the body frame gets diffus not so defined, then just sitting in that cloud with as much equanimity and awareness as possible. Letting whatever happens happen without judgement. During the sit I did think about where my real challenge lies which is at work. A very unique type of assignment close to no brain power needed to accomplish the task I'm paid to do. Taking naps or sitting is very doable but there are bosses around for part of the night and the other chalenge is the execution of the varied tasks always happen at different times of night so one must be aware of the progress of others. It's relatively quiet not very cozy the distractions include surfing the web eating snacks reading any number of things none of which can be done too loudly for the boss would not like. It's a type of suffering that I will now consider part of my practice to be equanimous with. It's a real time application of the principles. I'd love to take my cushion and bliss out but that's not possible. The opportunity to be totally aware is of course always there and I try to observe sleepiness boredom frustration etc. I'll forge ahead and tomorrow is pay day which makes the evening so much more enjoyable funny how THAT works!!

Metta

Hi Keith,
Glad to hear you had a good retreat, I'm also going on a 10-day Goenka in a few weeks myself,
I have done a few in the past, but not for the past 2 years, and its the first one I am going to dedicate exclusively to noting from day 0.

I also find that retreats bring an amazing momentum to home practice, I wish you the best use of that

Hey Yadid, very interesting that you are going to do noting. This last one saw me trying everything
actually I was reading Nik's post about following Goenke's anapana suggestion for the first few days which I decided to do. Work out okay for a while but then I tried noting. I was kinda ll over the board really. Your plan sounds good though. I did notice that I felt like I was not getting the same types of sensations on retreat as I was at home with the 3 gear practice. Just did not seem as consistently
" high " sorry being lazy there with the description, as I normally get at home while noting.

Which was interesting. I did use some of the tools to keep the wandering mind on a short leash which I normally find super hard to do while scanning.

I sat 60 min this morning scanning. The hour went by super fast and I remember thinking that when I scan, I usually go over the three characteristics verbally by saying, " Hey that sensation was not there before." or , " I did not just create that sensation. " and then maybe ' " man this sucks that I can't turn these on and off when I want. "

Wondering if this is really being aware of the three characteristics or if I'm just verbally wandering.

Any one?

Thanks

BTW tonight at home no movie watching to go to sleep I'm gonna sit on the cushion and see what happens.

Cheers

So I did manage to try and sit at work which ended n me sleeping on the sofa but aware I swear : )

So tonight is the big challenge. I sat 2 sessions on Friday 60 min then a 60 and a 45 on saturday.
Spent the night at the G friends house and no mediation yet I was aware of plenty of sensations but... so can it be done 2 60min sessions tonight ? One at work at least maybe I do 1.5 at work and 30min when i get home around 3am? I'll report back

Part 1 Keith's 10 day Goenka retreat.

I started planning this retreat shortly before christmas and it was a mix of get out of NY city for 10 days in February and , " hey lets get stream entry while we'r at it." I value my retreat time very much and when life offers a chance to slip into a 10 day I know now to take it. In the past I've let things get in the way and my practice has suffered set backs.

For a little back ground:

I first started coming round KFD after my last Goenka retreat, I took to the noting practice and did some session with Kenneth. I was very impressed with the skill level of all the yogis here the amazing atmosphere of open practice notes etc. The Old Goenka students like Nik and Tarin also gave me confidence in working with the folks here.

This first time I ever heard the word :" stream entry " was on a 9 day Goenke retreat the one before this one. So when I showed up here and started hearing " stream entry " being mentioned I was interested. I started noting outloud and my practice, or at least the sensations I was experiencing got very interesting. I read Daniel's book and was trying to keep awareness going through out the day. My 2 hr a day practice lasted for some time and I started experiencing with regularity, things that I had previously only experienced on 10 day retreats . I would report these and was assured by several people that I was very close
to " pop-ing " attainment of first path I assumed they meant, so I forged on. Practice fluctuated I stopped my sessions with Kenneth for a while and kept more like a 60min daily practice going with less practice notes but still using the noting technique.

So i guess that's kinda of where i was when I set off for this retreat. I read Nik's Hamilton project page on stream entry via a Goenke retreat and did the ramping up of practice as best I could doing at least 2 hours a day in the weeks before the retreat. I was no longer noting but working on anapana the way Goenke teaches it trying to build up my concentration before the retreat. With Niks suggestion in mind I took a resolve to obtain stream entry on this retreat and wrote it on a piece of paper on my door the week before the course. I was to leave on a wednesday and my practice on the previous Friday was marked by very high equanimity i sat for 3 hours that day. Instead of staying home and really going for it all weekend I spent the next 3 days with a girl friend who was not in a great mood at all, I kept no practice and experienced lots of passion, lust and craving being generated etc. So I tried to recover before my departure by upping the practice to 2 hrs a day Anapana and reading and listening to dharma talks. I came through with the valentines thing so the mind was fooled into being a bit more quiet. So that's the set up before actually making it to the retreat.

just sat 45 min at work. Scanning the body. very bumpy vippassana I wnated to sit for 60 but got up at 45. Felt like I was kinda boiling no heat involved but the vibrations were very fast and course.
Just looking at the jhanas and nanas table it looked like re- observation, but that's just a guess.

Sat this morning about 32 min. I was back to noting out loud. I havent done it in a while so it was a bit rocky. I set my timer for 60min but got up after 32. I'm very confused about the practice now after my Goenke retreat. It all says vipassana but i get such different results from each style.

Anyway the noting this morning made the wandering mind very apparent. Eyes were open and the mind would go off and because i was noting i caught it. I guess my feeble mind is still trying to figure something out. Feeling a bit done with the whole adventure really, but i cant stop now. All the different stages and states i've been to a few, but alas no cessation. Has my suffering been reduced? It's almost like i cant tell. Oh well.

Hi Keith,
This is just my opinion, so use it or lose it as you see fit:
I think that it is best to try and master one practice, for a while, rather than go back and forth with each one every day, since that seems to lead to floundering.

It seems, from the reports of other yogis, that consistency and momentum are key to stream entry.

Thanks for the suggestion Yadid. I guess I was using the yogi tool box model where you have a bunch of sticks to kill a snake.That being said my noting practice does need a brush up.


The reduction of my own suffering, on a NEw York City Subway. The true test.

Noted mind making stories - " debating , rationalizing, equating, dealing" noted impatience annoyance, discomfort, dis-ease, frustration, pity, self- pity, self narrative, warmth, weight of bag, self-pity, story about being an office drone. i try to note my feet walking I use a mental note of right left etc. and try to sense some body sensation somewhere.

Alas my suffering seems to have increased since the retreat not sure if it's a dark night or if my practice is simply lacking

The instructions were from Goenke were:

1 hr in the morning followed by a few minutes Metta
1 hr in the evening followed by a few minutes Metta

so if I'm doing 45min a day and no metta but expecting relief that makes me, kinda silly.

OKay:
2 hrs a day no matter what plus metta, I remember thinking on retreat that I just wanted to stop meditating for a few years while I develop a career, then come back to it. I have doubts as a modern practitioner that I will be able to balance it all. Sorry to be so honest. I guess that is what the teaching here is trying to help with.

Hey Keith,

I like your honesty.
I also like the Yogi Toolbox approach but personally I feel that for any tool to truely be in one's toolbox one must master it to a certain degree.

I was curious about your decision on retreat to stop practice for a few years, how did that come about?

Hey Yadid,
And I like your mastery of each tool. I felt very much like a beginner with a few tools on retreat. I think your strategy to note no matter what and stick to that is good. and a few of the tricks to keep the mind concentrated did work for me to a degree. I forget sometimes too that although I did my first Goenke retreat in 96 I by no means sat the way Tarin and Nik have for that long. SO it's a little bit of frustration coming to grips with where I am although I've , " had the book on my shelf for so long..."

I'm not going to actually (stop) practicing I've, " seen too much.." as I like to say. I was also telling a friend the other day that the benefits that I have gained through practice are there they just become normal and then the craving for attainment started to get the better of me. I think if I just stop crying and start noting I'll get back on track.

Thanks Yadid

Hi keith. i crave attainment too, and worry that the very craving itself will stop it happening. in MCTB, daniel has a chapter called "harnessing the energy of the "defilements"", where he explains how the desire for enlightenment can be harnessed. he says it is "the most compassionate wish that someone could have for themselves or others." He goes on to explain that this is a sensation to be examined, just like other sensations. he explains how to do this and channel it into practice. it's really good. pages 120 and 121 are the key.
In the same way, you can examine feelings like frustration.
Hope it's helpful. Jacki.

Craving = Suffering. Even craving for attainments. It's very easy to get all caught up in the 'where am I on the path stuff' I think we are all guilty of that. Thats why most teachers say that the maps are great to have, but can get in the way of things. I say try to resolve to get Stream Entry once, maybe even write it down, then leave it alone and focus on practice. I still note all the time in my practice, "Mapping thoughts", "path thoughts", "craving", "frustrating", "confusion" Do that and leave it be. Also, scripting can become a problem when you constantly read others experiences on their paths. Everyone is different, and by that it can vary pretty widely.

So, thats my 2 cents. Hope it helps.