Bill's Practice Journal

Hello all- Don't know how often I will be able to update this, but I see the value of a practice journal so I'll begin one. I'll begin with a general recap and then summarize the last few days: Been practicing for 4 or so years now and have been working with Vince Horn for the last couple of months. Experienced stream entry a month or so ago and moved quickly into a review phase. Over the last week or so as the review phase progressed more and more of the cycling was met with clarity and acceptance. I wasn't ecstatic but there was a general sense of surrender with the changing shades of the cycles. I should mention that as the review phase had been progressing there was less and less urgency to sit and I was sitting for maybe a half-hour every couple of days.

Last saturday I sat for the first time in a couple of days and there had been no noticeable fruitions in that time period. I was using the Mahamudra noting practice I've been working with and moved quickly through the cycles to high equanimity and hung out there for 15 or so minutes just experiencing the view. It seemed I could allow myself to enter a fruition at any point, but I didn't want to force it and stayed with the experience and continued noting. After 15 or so minutes there was a major fruition and then the re-entrance to reality followed by this incredible weightlessness as though all the air had been sucked out of the sense of "me". I don't know how to explain it other than that it was a sudden deafening of the senses.

Following this was the feeling that experience was just floating. I haven't had a fruition of that intensity since the intial one, and this one was a little disorienting as was the first. I had a really intense cycle that day followed by the most powerful, blissful A&P experience I've had since the intial one 4 years ago and an intensely disturbing re-observation phase shortly after. The mind felt very powerful through all of this and it took me by surprise as I had been really okay with the review cycles for the week and a half proceeding. Anyways, there was a feeling that reality/sensations were very intense for the next couple of days similar to when I initially experienced SE. Over the last couple of days I spent 3 or so hours practing a day, something I haven't done for the last month as I haven't really felt the need, but there was time. I've been doing a lot of Metta, a practice I've often turned to when things are disorienting and a sense of stability is needed and mahamudra noting. Metta was nice, as concentration abiltiies have really improved and it allowed for me to meet more and more experience with acceptance and care, if not total embrace. And I have been continung with the mahamurda noting. When I use the mahamudra technique I move rapidly to equanimity and a fruition follows shortly after. It's hard to continue with the noting after a fruition (um...calm), so sometimes I do and sometimes I just am following fruition. I seem to be noticing more of a tug towards alternating Mahamudra and Metta practice as both seem to be useful. Metta, which I had somewhat discarded in my quest for stream entry, feels very inviting and practical lately and there is a gentle pull in that direction.

During practice over the last two days, the mind has been very still and I was very aware of the vast stillness beyond things. When I could feel myself being pulled into reacticity and thought and wanting to analyze unpleasant sensations I turned to the experience of it in the body and work at level of accepting the sensations, which allowed for the release of the thoughts. This worked wonders and seemed to open deeper and deeper into the stillness. Anyways, after the general ease of the last few days there was an intense cycle again today with a tough reobservation phase. I'm a little verbose. Apologies.

Today went by smoothly. Cycling was not predominant. I would guess I spent much of the day in Dark Night territory, but there was an ease with experience and it was noticed only as minor irritation in the body. This sense of ease was not the same spacious ease as seems to come with equanimity, but just a general feeling of not being too ruffled. Interesting to move through the day and see things that used to obsess me or trouble me not be so predominant. Sat for 1 hr. tonight. 30 mns. Metta + 30 mns. mahamudra noting.

Metta- Not much to say here. Am operating on maybe 4-5 hrs. of sleep so it was very tempting to slip off into pleasant sleepiness, but I continued with the practice. After twenty or so minutes I slipped into the equanimity stage and felt the sense of looseness and lack of concentration that seem to occur for me at this stage. Equanimity and re-observation always feel the most obvious though tonight I wasn't aware of any reobservation stage, not sure why. I've also noticed in doing Metta there is much less resistance when it comes to thinking of those for whom negative feelings arise and there is much less thought about conceptualizing the person anymore. It has become more about connecting with the feelings. Nice.

Mahamudra Noting- Could feel that I was already in equanimity when I sat down. Began with noting "listening" and felt a sensation that the energy in my body was being pulled towards the top of my skull and backwards. Continued noting listening, spaciousness, vastness, curisosity, gratitude. After a few minutes it became much harder to identify what was going on. There was a sense of things speeding up and yet I wasn't aware of any classifiable content, just energy, then a flash of light like an old fashioned camera taking a picture, then strobing, fruition. A couple of more fruitions followed. The sense of joy following fruitions hasn't been as obvious lately, just that the body feels really calm and thoughts seems to pass disembodied. As happens sometimes after the experience tonight, I noticed my thoughts concerning what had happened. It seems like no big deal and yet there is no way to say just what it is and I notice a frustration in this. I noticed this and continued noting, surrender, surrender, surrender, gratitude, contentment. After a few more minutes stillness was really evident in the body and I just stayed with the sensation of stillness and continued noting. An interesting thing is that I had always thought of "stillness" as being something outside of myself to acquire and tonight while I sitting I could see clearly that stillness was an inherent part of my experience when I can just be with my experience, in other words, not something separate from me that I have to get, but something that is already present in experience.

Well, figured I'd post tonight. Haven't been on for a few days. The last few days practice has been rough. The dark moods seemed to intensify and I've been having a lot of trouble just accepting the passing show as fear turned to anger turned to depression. Throughout it if I bothered to look it was not so troublesome, but there was a definite lack of surrender and just wanting to escape the situation. All of this seemed to coalesce today and there was a lot of frustration with this process. Anyways, here is a record of the day's practice.



1hr.30mns. Metta meditation- Hard to concentrate, I kept going through the phrases but nothing seemed to stick. I wasn't feeling intense aversion to the metta practice, but it wasn't interesting me either and I couldn't seem to find a meaningful way to make sense of the phrases. I kept waiting to get into equanimity territory and fruition, but they didn't come as they haven't for the last few days.

1 hr. Mahamudra meditation- As I noted "listening" I noticed the mind pulled into a more open place, but it seemed I kept getting pulled back into states like frustration, anger, not liking the way I was feeling, etc. If I could focus on the body this seemed an effective way to be with the moment, but when I got up I was still feeling pretty ******.

After this, I had a long talk with Vince about surrender and trusting my own intuition in terms of how to meet the situation appropriately. Felt a little better, but was still pretty heavy in dark night terriory. Had some dinner then did:

45mns.-Noting- At this point I was feeling pretty fed up and determined to just look at what was coming up and decided to just plunge into it. I hadn't done any mahasi style noting practice over the last month because it wasn't really hitting on anything, but decided to give it a try.

Cont.'


Noted, "sadness, anger, future thought, listening, guilt, chest sensations", this turned into more intense anger, itching, listening, sadness, fear, dissapointment, itching, stomach sensation, fear". It seemed very obviously like re-observation but there was a resolve to just look at it square in the face as I was so tired of feeling the way I'd been feeling the last couple days. After maybe twenty or so minutes I started noticing that things like "calm, spaciousness, ease" were predominant and there was a clear perception of what was going on. I expected a fruition maybe but it didn't come. I continued noting for another 15 mns. and then came here to write this. Thanks.

Note- these posts are originally posted on pragmatic dharma and so may not make chronological sense as I've posted chunks of posts some time after they were origninally posted, so what may appear to be the events of one day may actually span several

30 mns. Noting- Sat down, feeling fairly relaxed. Noted "resitance, openess, calm, fear, acceptance". As I continued to note the feeling tone of experience seemed less predominant and allowance and openess became the norm. There was the sense of the room and awareness being wide open. Occasional pockets of resistance crept up, but were met almost immediately with an allowing presence. Crazy shift from just a few hours previous. I continued to note as a vast, all inclusive spaciousness became the predominant nature of experience, bodily I would occasional be aware of the awareness dropping down to the stomach, but the sense of attention seemed to want to return repeatedly to the head. My eyelids were twitching some time involuntarily and I was aware of occasional flashes of light behind my eyes, turning to darkness and then a sense of anticpation. All of this was noted and then there came a couple of "I don't know" moments followed by a shift. I continued to note, "warmth, calm, affection, security". After several more minutes of noting I opened my eyes and looked around the room. The feeling was of having moved closer to reality. I experienced a real sense of safety, warmth and affection, though there seemed no object it was aimed at. I got up, did some things around the house and then attempted to get into metta. At a certain point it felt silly to sit, as experience seemed as if it was naturally being tuned into in an inclusive manner. There was a very strong sense of warmth and calmness throughout all of this that continued through this morning. How strange these changing patterns are.