Marc's practice notes

Hi all,

Came across MTCB before my first ever Vipassana retreat 18 months ago. I didn't quite 'get' the instructions on that retreat and it was a bit of a wasted effort. Meditation was infrequent since although I became very interested in Theravadin Buddhism. I recently undertook 8 days of a 9 day retreat and things have been moving very rapidly since.

I originally posted this on DhO but have got a sense of where I am now (Dissolution) and remembered the Practice Journals on KFD and thought them to be a very good idea. I can't see anywhere on DhO forums for a practice journal, and Kenneth was kind enough to reply to a PM I sent a while ago, so thought I'd start a journal on here, for my own benefit if nobody else's. Any assistance, diagnosis of stage on the path would help - I have a tendency to 'want' certain experiences and look for confirmation of a stage, which is likely to be a hindrance.

Will start with the retreat and go from there.

Meditation is the Mahasi Sayadaw/Sattipathana method - noting of rising and falling of the abdomen.

The last few weeks I had trouble even staying on the breath for two inhalations and exhalations before major distraction/tiredness. cont...

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Anyway, days 1-4 were intensive effort, inability to stay on the breath for long, tiredness, wondering whether the technique is correct, too much effort being put in etc.

- Day 5: gradual awareness of the noting process becoming automated (and noting of the same). There was also awareness of the mind wandering becoming less and less frequent, and when it did, noting would arise almost immediately and automatically, causing the thought to cease, or a little bit of volitional effort on my part would dispel the thought.

During the final walking session that day there was a sense of 'automation' behind it. There was a sense of observing everything working on its own without any 'me' to control it.

Sitting became easier, with mindfulness settling on the breath almost immediately and staying for longer. There was still lots of trouble with knee pain and sitting, with anxiety arising on sensing the pain and adjusting posture (which of course was fine for a few minutes until new pain arose, and new adjusting, and so on, interrupting concentration).

Walking: Started becoming aware of a split second of an intention to do something immediately before the action itself, though this was infrequent.

- Day 6, early waking and immediate awareness of...erm...awareness, and noting from the moment of getting up. During the morning, awareness of the 'intention' gradually became clearer and more regular. Not only was the technique of meditation automatic, there was awareness of the intention 'flashing' into and out of existence and the body coming into action immediately after this. Conceptual thought was either not arising, or arising and immediately noted and ceasing. I couldn't force thoughts even if I tried.

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Walking had the continued experience of intention arising and ceasing and causing action. Thoughts now if they did arise were only about dhamma and practice and analysis of what was going on (all noted as 'thinking' or 'contemplating').

The sitting after that resulted in awareness of unbelievably quick noting of absolutely everything - far too quick to consciously discern, just aware of lots of noting of things going on. The breath was almost imperceptible but there was still clear discernment of the rising, extension, tightening and subsequent contraction and relaxation of the abdomen on rising and falling.

That evening the sitting felt easy, light and with an open mind. Noting was automatic, easy and light. There was awareness of many secondary objects arising and ceasing, like in the middle of a flow of things coming, washing over and passing away - particularly sounds and bodily sensations such as pain, twitching, hearing and feeling of heart beating in head and mouth. There was uninterrupted concentration with no conceptual thought for 23 minutes. The mental state felt cool and still with no discernible feeling of enjoying or disliking the experience. Perception of arising and ceasing but no 'thoughts' or 'contemplation' of the same. Same again the sitting after that but the noting was a bit slower, this time there was minor and spread out but pleasant tingling that was arise and ceasing wildly across different parts of the body at different times.

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The tingling continued for a day or two, mainly during sitting but also sometimes during walking. Became aware of focusing attention on them instead of noting, so just noted 'tingling, tingling' and back to the abdomen. Sense of deep joy and happiness in the dhamma arose and ceased after several minutes. The final sitting that evening was pretty crap, with lots of desire to go off and do something else that I normally do outside of the retreat. Then there was reflection on doing that stuff in the past and getting bored with it, leading to contemplation of the nature of suffering as a result of clinging to that which is impermanent and inherently satisfactory owing to the delusion of permanence of phenomena.

Day 7 - Mindfulness from the moment of waking. During walking, a flurry of connected contemplations arose along the lines of 'there is just intention, and action'. After reading a little bit of a dhamma book to confirm this wasn't just wild speculation, there was awareness of everything suddenly feeling faded or muted, insight into not-self and a deep sense of relief. This followed with contemplation and very clear seeing/understanding of several links of Dependent Origination (name/form, contact, becoming, desire, clinging) and the 3Cs.

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The evening the awareness deepened and there was awareness (rather than 'I' was aware, as identification with sensations and actions was no longer occurring) of intention instantly arising and ceasing, causing action, and awareness of both. There was also discernment between conceptual thought, which does not trigger physical processes but can cause the conditions, and intention, which DOES trigger the physical action. There was also awareness of the fact that there's a single intention, and a single action, then a single intention, a single action, and so on. So even though there may have been the thought 'I will walk from one end of the room to another', there was awareness, after the left foot dropped, to turn the head and check the clock. The intention to move the right foot simply didn't arise. Also awareness of whether or not things were pleasant and unpleasant, and awareness of intention/action either gravitating towards the pleasurable, away from the unpleasant, or neutral. So there's lots of moments of intention, all arising out of the conditions of each immediate moment, and awareness of the same as well as residual capacity for coarse recall of previous intention. All noted as 'contemplating' and didn't interrupt unification of mind with the physical sensations of the rising, moving and dropping feet.

Day 8 - Realisation that because of the fact that there's only conditions arising and ceasing, there's no determinable or knowable future, thus the importance of creating the conditions for only skilful and wholesome intention to arise in order to reduce the opportunity for unwholesome actions to occur. This also meant that there's no need to take pretty much anything in life too seriously, apart from cultivating good moral integrity and conduct.

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The sitting after lunch was marked by an exceptional lightness of mind. Rather than previous sittings, where awareness had 'shot out' to note sensations, there was a sense of awareness quickly but lazily going out to 'greet' sensations, which felt like they were coming into awareness rather than being 'out there'. The top half of the body kept slumping back and to the right, so when this eventually happened and was noted, it was straightened. There was an awareness of this but no irritability or discomfort. Leg/knee pain which to this point was constantly the source of restlessness was very easily noted, quick investigation of the 3Cs led to an 'abiding'. A sense of 'there's stretching physical sensations, but that's just how it is right now. Carry on'. Likewise with everything else. There was a sense of ease and fluidity. There was no sense of any sensations being pleasant or unpleasant or feeling happy or send. There was just a sense of 'this is how it is right now' and things were just arising and ceasing. Images of a peaceful garden arose but were instantly dismissed as 'visualising'. Even a car screeching its tyres quite loudly nearby was simply noted as 'hearing, hearing' until it ceased. Contemplation of 'no point avoiding the good or chasing the bad - it's all impermanent and unsatisfactory. This is just how it is right now' arose and was noted. Then the noting stopped. There was awareness of this, but no noting of it. Just pure and simple existing. Then something happened to draw out of this state and open the eyes. Whole state lasted 32 minutes. Then when the eyes were closed again there was a visualisation of constant swirling black and white dots pulsating in intensity (will add at this point that in previous sittings the beating of the heart corresponded with perception of lightness and darkness).

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This also meant that there's no need to take pretty much anything in life too seriously, apart from cultivating good moral integrity and conduct. Tingling concentrated in the head area, mind and body felt lighter than before, big smile and a deep sense of happiness, with loving-kindness arising naturally without conscious directed thought on the same (that's significant - normally the LK is rote and dry).

During the walking before lunch there was awareness of constant arising and ceasing of physical and mental sensations beyond intellectual comprehension. No changing of sensations from one to another, or changing of qualities. Just instant arising and ceasing, too fast to perceive as individual moments, just as a 'swirl'. Even what is normally perceived as the 'same' sensation is a new dependently arisen sensation. This gave clear insight into the nature of suffering due to the illusion of permanence. Deep wave of pleasure shuddered through body, felt floating, deep sense of joy and happiness on discovering the dhamma, unshakeable confidence in the same and tears of joy. Grinning like a Cheshire Cat for 15 minutes during lunch. This gave way to a deep sense of peace. Then, on choosing deserts, there was awareness of craving arising for a particular yoghurt, and awareness of 'this is all very nice, but there's still a long way to go as there's still craving. Stop getting wrapped up in being happy and damn well keep practicing!' Desire to drop everything on leaving the retreat, ordain as a monk and practice full-time. Felt like this was past the point of no return.

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The next sitting after that had an expectation of immediately reverting to that state, which of course didn't happen, so was marked by frustration and a sense of 'right well might as well finish and go home then since there's not going to be much more progress in the next few hours'. Then this was perceived as another form of craving and attachment, and the mind settled down for a good 20 mins of decent awareness. Noting was noticeably slower.

The routine was interrupted after that by packing and prepping to leave, then a final one hour sitting. In that sitting there were several periods of uninterrupted concentration and some decent noting but nowhere near as quick. Practice felt like it was regressing. [EDIT: At one stage felt like the ringing in ears was becoming deafening and a strange sensation from the toes up the ears. Couldn't feel like I was sitting on a cushion anymore. There was still awareness of sitting, but couldn't discern any contact points. Just felt 'flat'.]

End of retreat notes.

At some stage between going to bed and waking on Sunday there was an awareness of a 'flash'. Not sure when it happened or whether I was asleep or waking up, but it was definitely discernible.

Woke with a thumping pain/headache at the front centre of the foreheadhead. There was a 45 minute sit which felt like 15, with strong mindfulness and noting, then one hour walking with no problems and only one or two conceptual worldly thoughts arising which were instantly dismissed with 'thinking'.

Then there was a gradual sense of worry that all this will pass and I'll be back to normal (inability to establish concentration, losing all these insights etc). Everything felt crap and I wanted to drop everything and go on intensive retreat from now until forever. I discussed this with a dhamma friend who advised this is just what heppens - some insights will stay and some will fade and mindfulness with gradually start to dull as more gross dhammas occupy awareness. The important thing is not to cling to them. This is what the sayadaw said on the last day of the retreat too.

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Throughout the day there was still one-pointedness and no distracted thoughts except when focusing on typing, but there's a sense of the fineness of perceptions disappearing a little. Still perception of automation of actions. There was awareness of desire/craving to maintain this state, or at the very least not lose the insight and the effect on daily life it will have. It was causing suffering. Then was also awareness of this being just another thought process with the same 3Cs as everything else, but felt more an intellectual affirmation. Mood didn't fluctuate at all, even with that sense of craving - there's no happiness with the current state, nor sadness or despair or worry or depression when considering the loss, simply 'it will be unfortunate if this does all fade away, but it must do, so no point worrying about it'. [EDIT: Ok that seems to contradict what I said about feeling crappy. What I mean was, there was a general feeling of crappiness and that all the efforts are going to fade away and being back to normal and that nothing else matters apart from practice, followed by a sense of 'this is how it is, since it's impermanent it will fade away, so no point worrying about it and carry on with daily life and the practice' - almost like a resigned acceptance of it all. Felt a lot lighter].

Walked through an extremely busy town centre to do shopping. Attention constantly on the movement of the feet (noting lifting, forward, dropping etc) without skipping a step. There was awareness of far, far too many secondary sensations (mainly sounds, sensations of heat, wind, cold, odours, seeing, thinking to calculate route etc.) to note, but just a general awareness of lots of stuff going on. No intention to engage in thinking or analysing what any of the sensations were (recognising songs etc). People went past without the mind judging their appearance, height, look etc. When actually shopping there was an awareness of walking past sweets normally indulged in, craving arising, noting of the craving and a quick insight into its 3Cs and its ceasing in the space of about one step. Whole process of picking items, inspecting produce, placing in basket etc. was noted, as was walking home.

Then at home an immediate intention to sit, with the sensation of being on autopilot and watching stronger than ever before. During the sit there was listing of the body to the left back, full concentration on the rising and falling, a moment where there was a 'pulse' like a lightning flash through the head, thoughts only of dhamma, clear perception into suffering, dependent origination and contemplation of the 4 Noble Truths (all noted as 'contemplating' and not interrupting awareness of rising and fallen of abdomen). Didn't catch intention to open the eyes and it happend twice during the 45 min seat, each at nearly 15 minutes exactly. No longer sitting using a cushion either, there is stretching in the leg which was previously pain but is now simply stretching in the leg. And the random tingling was back having been previously absent, but this time was just tingling arising and ceasing quickly, not pleasant tingling, and no inclination to watch the sensations as primary object. Still sense of no happiness or sadness just, 'is'.

Sunday (still) - desire to keep the insight and concentration etc. died down and was noted for what they were - another form of attachment and suffering.

Later I was sat on the PC surfing the net generally when I noted a very slow vibrating/thumping in my upper arms towards the hands. Immediately went to do a 45 minute sit and the following occurred:

The sensations were all over my body, were not synchronised and some would persist for ages, particularly along the outside part of my right arm and right outside part of neck, sometimes but not always there was a distinction between the arms pulsing and the neck pulsing, other times only once or twice in other parts of the body.

The one-pointed concentration on rising and falling of the abdomen was well and truly gone - awareness was only established for a couple of breaths, and even then there was no discernment of 'stages' of in and out breath as before. There was simply 'rising', and 'falling' - no discerning of beginning of the rising or beginning of the falling, like coming part way through the middle and it ending. Likewise there was no discernment of the sensation of the abdomen. Just a general feeling of rising and falling. Felt like breathing in and out in 'blocks' rather than the smooth and perceptible process previously. The awareness was far more on the vibrations, which felt like they were 'outside' the circle of awareness when it was on the breath. So eventually I stopped trying to force attention on the breath and let awareness drift around the various vibrations, noting 'vibrating, vibrating'. Noting of anything else was slow and only of loud external sounds such as doors opening and closing (in fairness that pretty much the only gross sounds there were). No subtle discernment of secondary objects as before. There was a very dull sensation of stretching pain in the right leg but it was almost negligble.

Eventually this all ceased ceased and for a few moments there was stillness. Couldn't discern rising and falling of abodmen. The ringing in my left ear (fairly constant even when not meditating) then became nearly deafening and filled my entire head.

Then there was a perception of the upper part of the body gently shaking or rocking back and forth. Whether this was physically happening or not I'm not sure, but there was a constant sense of 'back, forth', which was noted accordingly. The perception of rising and falling returned, albeit faintly, and I was aware that when there was 'rising' the shaking seemed to slow, but not stop completely. Then after 'falling' there was rocking again. Then the vibrations started again, this time noticeably quicker in both frequency and occurrences throughout the body. The shaking was far less perceptible to the point where at times I wasn't sure if it was even continuing. After a while of noting the vibrations, they also ceased. Then the shaking came back up. This time it felt rocking in a diagonal direction the North East and was a bit more intense, there was perception of the right leg rocking slightly as well. At one stage there was even perception of awareness 'shaking' in synchronicity with the physical sensation of shaking. During this time, the rising and falling almost completely ceased and there didn't seem to be much of anything else to perceive other than rocking. A couple of times when the non-self was investigated, fear arose in the sense of 'what the hell is going on?' This was noted and investigated (why has this arisen? because of lack of control of what's going on) and passed away. Then the rocking seemed to slow down and the bell went.

Throughout all this there was a slight pressure in the right of centre of the forehead.

Monday morning sit (intended for 45 mins):
- barely discernible rising and falling with no sense of physical connection
- constant pulsing/vibrating in different parts of the body with no synchronicity (some areas pulsed once, others pulsed several times, and it was constantly moving and many pulses all over the body in rapid succession)
- there were too many pulses at a time to catch them coming up, only being able to note many instances of 'pulsing' and their cessation. The anicca and anatta of them was clearly evident.
- an inability to focus on the rising and falling of abdomen for any sustained period
- no discernment of any other bodily sensations aside from posture, leaning forward and head staring at the navel, which was adjusted.

After 20 minutes I couldn't take it any more and ended the sit prematurely - a sense of 'ok I've had enough now'. Mistake, I know, and regretted it after. It's not particularly pleasant but it's not particularly painful either, and all of the previous upekkha and concentration has well and truly vanished.

Walking to walk there was automatic awareness of lifting and falling of the feet at normal walking speed, and general awareness of everything else.

Mindfulness was present in varying degrees during the day - sometimes automatic noting when going to and from a place or carrying out routine tasks like filing/admin. Not so when engage in work involving working with concepts. A general feeling of listlessness, both in work and in just about everything, became apparent and varies in intensity throughout the day. A sense of 'I'm doing the work, but not with any feeling and there's no enjoyment'. An awareness of total lack of enthusiasm for any form of formal practice was noted. The whole effort seemed pointless.

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At one point I saw a truck that refills gas cylinders outside and an irrational fear/general discomfort arose. Noted a desire not to have the truck there, a worry of what would happen it if exploded as I was right next to it, and really wanting to be somewhere else.

At the end of the day walking home, I was aware of mindfulness of the lifting, forward and dropping of feet initially, but then the usual daydreams started to seep through. This then gave rise to a sudden and utterly irrational irritability with everyone around me - walking too slow, blocking the pavement, talking too loudly. Both the daydreams and irritability were suddenly 'there' and I could only note them persisting then ceasing. All noted as 'irritated, irritated' and dukkha was obvious. Then the mind turned to people not immediately present and minor or non-existent transgressions, and irritability arose towards them. Again, noted. Investigation of the 3cs led to a awareness of the flow of irritation ceasing.

I've typed all this now aware of an aversion to sit or walk, just can't see the point and don't have the motivation. There's a recollection that just 48 hours earlier, all I wanted to do was sit!

PS I do have a sayadaw who is my teacher and I report to, but after the retreat I'll now only see him once a week. So this thread will be helpful to store all the notes/experiences, the relevant ones of which can then be reported. Your feedback will also help polish up my reporting ability.

45 minute sit.

Started off with awareness on rising and falling abdomen. Again felt faint and abstract, no discernment of beginning of 'rising' and start of 'falling', it just want from being not there to there, and was aware of the middle and end. Then the thumping/vibrating started all over the body. Not particularly strong, but certainly noticeable. Started at first noting 'thumping, thumping'. Then it was far too quick and all over the body to note, and in some cases the thump was felt and then as soon as I became aware there had been a thump I caught the tail end of it, it's 'fading away'. It was mildly unpleasant and desire for it to stop arose. Eventually this just went to "f**k it, just sit with it".

Then the body started rocking forward and back gently. Noting 'forward, back'. This was while the thumping was going on. Then white light started strobing. Slowly at first, and I was discerning snapshots, like Polaroids, of bodies in various states of death, injury dismemberment or decay. The images flashed with the strobing and felt distant - like looking at a Polaroid on a table. There was the distinct feeling of 'this is not very nice' but no abject fear or terror. Then the strobing got faster and the images stopped. I noted very slight/fast twitching sensations around the eyes, so must have been fluttering of eyelids. The light wasn't searing, just black then white, black then white.

Could barely focus on the breath or any particular sensation. Just general awareness of body rocking, eyes flashing, constant trembling. The whole body was just one big writhing mess of 'stuff' going on. Confusion and thoughts of 'what the hell is going on?' were noted. It was unpleasant and at the same time interesting.

cont...

If I tried slowing things down by forcing breathing in and out, it worked for a few moments and I noted the gap ('still, still'), then started up again.

Then I found myself caught up in random scenarios/vignettes with an awareness of the same sensations going on at the same time. These vanished as soon as they were noted. If there breathing, I wasn't aware of it. Just too much other stuff going on.

Throughout this I was trying to find something, ANYTHING in the body that was staying still. There was a very dull sense of general pressure on the legs, and one leg felt warm like it was falling asleep. Then suddenly it all stopped. And the disconnected but discernible rising and falling was apparent for a couple of breaths. Then it started again, and appeared to get faster.

Then suddenly there was awareness of a flash, a very sharp inhalation of air through the nose and the entire body suddenly seemed to jerk and I was instantly awake and out of the meditation. The body was slightly lifted off the cushion as part of this jerk. I checked the time and 30 minutes had passed. Aversion instantly arose and there was no way I was going to continue sitting. Need to just power through and sit the full session whatever happens.

45 minute sit.

Rising and falling of abdomen kept varying in quality. Faint and barely distinct. At times it was simply not discernible, feeling only the very light brushing of clothing on 'something' as there was rising and falling, and a feeling of contraction around the solar plexus. Awareness was from there not being rising to rising leading towards the end of the rising, a short gap, then falling leading towards the end of falling.

Body started rocking gently but could only discern the end points of forward and back motion, unable to catch the moving from forward to back and vice versa. 'Forward', 'backward' noted.

Sense of warmth arose in upper body. 'warm, warm' noted.

Suddenly had visions of smashing head forward into the wall, or damaging the eyes on a nearby corner table. Some fear arose, noted as 'fear, fear', then acknowledged the visions themselves 'imagining, imagining' and the quickly passed.

Then started to hear a low tone in the right ear. If there wasn't direct attention or listening out for it, it was there as part of the sphere of awareness. As soon as attention turned to it, it vanished and I couldn't investigate it. 'Tone, tone'. Stopped after a few minutes.

Then a strange feeling swept through the upper body from the stomach to the head and it started to feel like it wasn't there at all. Hard to describe. There was still a general awareness of pressure of the buttocks of the cushion, and pressure of the palms resting on the lap, but the upper body felt like it was light to non-existent. Couldn't think of a suitable note so was simply 'sensation, sensation'.

...

Concentration was generally pretty poor - didn't stay on the breath for long and either wandered into thought, to sensations occurring or became vaguely aware there was any sense of the noting of 'rising, falling', which seemed to fade away on occasion as there didn't seem to be correlating physical sensations on which to base the noting.

Forgot to mention the thumping/vibrating all over the body started a few seconds in, then stopped after around 10 mins.

Can't work out whether this was all 3rd stage or 5th - has the hallmarks of both but more of the 5th.

Forgot to cover a couple of sits. Just did 20 minutes. Concentration was reasonable but was preoccupied with mental objects. Constantly cycled through misery and disgust, with an overwhelming sense of hopelessness, despair and loneliness, both of myself and the situation of others, noted over and over again. Few physical sensations beyond rising and falling either arose or were discerned. Whilst the feelings were unpleasant and their 3Cs obvious (which fortunately led to no identification with them), there was no desire for deliverance nor a recall of the previous states of rapture and happiness. More a general malaise, resignation and general 'sighing'. Productively, there was no desire to recall where I am on the maps or what stage I'm at - it was exceptionally obvious with even a small amount of investigation. Utterly, utterly crucial to prevent 'bleedthrough' into daily life. Aware of a general, baseless or overblown irritability in daily life which has to be constantly checked and investigated to prevent intention arising on the feelings.