Alejandro's report

I started a practice thread a while ago (august 2010) but the MCTB paths didn't fit at all with my experience at the time. Also, I didn't have the right words to describe my practice, so stopped posting. Things are way clearer now and I feel confident with the new words I've learned here, at the hamilton project and nick's personal blog. Also, things have been shifting immensely ever since I started reading Owen's and Nick's reports and, since I'm still Pre-Anagami (10-fetter) and perhaps pre-sakadagami too, I think it would be helpful for myself and others if I start reporting how things change (they're changing fast) from now on.

At the moment I've been using this text (taken from the paradox of becoming) a lot:
"Just as if there were a roofed house or a roofed hall having windows on the north, the south, or the east. When the sun rises, and a ray has entered by way of the window, where does it land?'
'On the western wall, lord.'
'And if there is no western wall, where does it land?'
'On the ground, lord.'
'And if there is no ground, where does it land?'
'On the water, lord.'
'And if there is no water, where does it land?'
'It does not land, lord.'
'In the same way, where there is no passion for the nutriment of physical food '¦ contact '¦ intellectual intention '¦ consciousness, where there is no delight, no craving, then consciousness does not land there or grow. Where consciousness does not land or grow, name-&-form does not alight. Where name-&-form does not alight, there is no growth of fabrications. Where there is no growth of fabrications, there is no production of renewed becoming in the future. Where there is no production of renewed becoming in the future, there is no future birth, aging, & death. That, I tell you, has no sorrow, affliction, or despair.' '”SN 12:64"

That hit me like a ton of bricks. Continued below.

I've been investigating physical experience a lot and every time I find tension, I look for the enjoyment/delight/consumption of tension. Then I identify that as support for becoming, and as soon as I remember the Buddha's metaphor (the ray of light without walls, earth, water) I recognize subtle obstructions and the way I fight/avoid/affirm them. Little by little I let the subtle aversions end and the becoming of tension ceases as well. If Im not mistaken, ending becoming is the same thing as "actualizing" or "grounding". Another way to actualize experience is through the recognition of authenticity/obviousness) of things. Sensation is authentically a sensation. Tension is obviously tension, subtle energy movements are naturally subtle energy movements. Being aware of things as they are naturally, authentically and obvious, reveals a fearless way of being. This fearlessness of being also takes me to actualizing/grounding experience. So I recognize fearless physical pain, fearless tension before pain, fearless clusters of energy before tension, and fearless awareness of clusters of energy. By recognizing the fearlessness of sensations and phenomena in general, the "ray of light" expands. Fearlessness feels like groundlessness. It is the place with no walls, earth, water or support of any kind. I investigate more, take attentiveness to more places and discover more supports. With practice, I hack the supports (hacking vedana) and realize how they are empty and actual. Little by little, the sense of self reveals itself like a ghost, like a projection. At the same time tension ceases and energy starts flowing again. Sensations become pleasant, but this time I don't enjoy/grasp/consume them. Ironically, by not enjoying pleasant sensations, wellness deepens.

Yesterday I was reviewing the Shamatha wikipedia article and, according to the writers, the Buddha recognized Shamatha and Vipassana as "qualities of wholesome meditation practice". I haven't looked for the sutra that confirms that statement but I have seen this while "ungrounding" experience:

By not feeding supports for becoming (with aversion, clinging and such), awareness finds no ground (like the ray of light finds no walls), and physical tension diminishes, the senses of being that I discover are recognized as ghost/projections that also fade eventually. Not having a ground allows the releasing of sensations, and, IMHO, this type of release is the same as not being distracted with sensations, not feeding sensations, not rejecting sensations. In brief, release feels like no mental activity and this to me seems like calm abiding (shamatha). If this is a jhana, to me it feels like a lighter, purer jhana. It feels like skipping the rupa and arupa jhanas, and getting to an affectless jhana.

Vipassana is the free movement of release that rises as one learns to abide calmly through actualizing supports.

Attentiveness (2 years ago I used "atentividad" to translate mindfulness into Spanish, so I think I was very close ) has to be present. Attentiveness is like the net and habits are the fish. If I'm not attentive, the fish jump into the water again and feed themselves again. Within attentiveness the free movement of release happens when I stop providing support (food). By release I mean: arising, enduring and ceasing of phenomena. Things can rise, endure and cease freely if there are no limits/support whatsoever, how do I set limits? doing things like avoiding and consuming. So when I remove limits, attentiveness reveals itself little by little as effortless. Vipassana is just a word to describe how this attentiveness allows the free movement of phenomena. It doesnt feel like a technique at all. The serenity (shamatha) that also rises from an awareness without supports is a description, not a technique.

Vipassana and shamatha are not practices, they are descriptions/qualities of wholesomeness.

I've been playing around with "...emptiness is form". This reminds me of the paradox of becoming. If I let tension rise, almost immediately tension ceases, or at least it changes till it ceases. I feel pain and anxiety every time I tend to prevent tension from rising. One would think this is easy since all you have to do is accept reality as it is. The trouble begins when "deluded wisdom" comes up: "Pain shouldn't be here", "What am I doing wrong?", "I have to perfect this", etc. All that evidently is craving and clinging. For me its very hard to get out of this trap because, like many, I learned to do things right without making mistakes. Nonetheless, when I remember that suffering needs to rise for it to end, things get better little by little and sometimes really fast. Mistakes where never mistakes. This is very similar to noting but instead of noting with a purpose (end tension) and with judgement, I note because its coherent: letting things rise is like getting out of my way, and this is where the paradox becomes very evident. By letting myself rise I get out of my way. Emptiness reveals itself perfectly. What else do I let rise? Rigidity, identities (whether perceived as shadows or not), anger, annoyance, self's silhouette, form, sankharas, mental voices, etc. Also (and to me this is cultivation of bodhicitta) I start looking for the ways I devaluate people mentally (he's too loud, too dumb, too desperate, too quiet, too indifferent, too repetitive, too proud, too talkative, too stressed out, etc.) All projections imposed over actual human imperfections, all ways to keep controlling, all ways to keep craving and clinging. Then I let all those things rise including my tendency to control and negate imperfections till I feel better. Then little by little I sense the pull-push free nature: MM, dzogchen, etc. No full PCEs yet.

Today I feel space is eating up my head. A few months ago space had only eaten up my legs, hips, hands, arms, and part of my torso. But now my jaw does not belong to me. I feel like Im in a flood and I'm being flooded by space. Although this is very similar to the 5th and 6th jhana, it feels different because this is a steady increasing flood, it doesnt go away It is not unpleasant either, just very big and open.

So many techinques, so many views, so many pointers. I recently bumped into resistance to practice: I noticed that I like all the methods I've discovered here (3 gears and MM noting), at the DhO (MCTBs techniques), HP, Down the Rabit Hole (DTRH), the AFT, and at my own tradition (Dudjom Tersar, Nyingma School of Tibetan Buddhism). Since I like all methods, it has been very difficult to practice these days, I usually end up doing nothing because I cant decide which method to use. Later on, I realized its not that I can't decide, I simply dont want to decide because deep down I want to stay the same (no transformation). It feels like I want to do it all, talk about everything and nothing at the same time, agree with others, disagree with others, discuss, discuss and discuss. Not that I think discussion isnt healthy, I love discussions and conversations because I learn so many things. However, I feel that I need to stop doing everything and just focus on a single method, 2 maximum. So I decided to continue practicing ngondro (tibetan preliminary practices) which I find thoroughly compatible with actualizing the jhanas, the 3 gears, MM noting. Ngondro is, in a very very basic way:
1) Taking refuge (surrendering without pushing, without pulling)
2) Taking the Bodhisattva bow (cultivation of selfless action, cultivation of pull-push free action, cultivation of harmlessness and fearlessness)
3) Offering mandala (accumulation of merit and wisdom)
4) Purifcation (dissolving all types of grasping, clinging, aversion, etc.)
5) Unification with the guru (abiding in truth itself/ 3rd Gear/ PCE, etc.)

Sometimes I do prostrations, sometimes I dont. Do they help? Yes. It is like practicing walking meditation because one meditates in motion. The only difference, I think, is that during prostrations one surrenders even more. The result: purification of action. this basically means I learn how not to create an identity out of motion.

I also use visualization and mantra. These help me cultivatate attentiveness to sensations and they also inject right view into my attentiveness. If, for example, I visualize wisdom as light, fire or water, I take advantage of the qualities of those visualizations (Light is transparent so it penetrates everything, fire consumes clinging, and water dissolves tension) Visualization is very very helpful actually. Mantra helps me feel many parts of my body that I usually I dont pay attention to. I dont always use mantra because sometimes it is distracting, but if I need to, I will.

Edit: In the end, all this is skillful means and to me skillful means is pragmatic as hell.

Today, the bodhisattva vow helped me a lot. Usually I tend to think surrendering is all I need to be ok. Big mistake. I sometimes use surrendering to manipulate my experience: I let myself go in order to get rid of unpleasantness. Now, in a sense, its good to practice from a more refined more of becoming (less distractions), however, just the mere desire to get rid of unpleasantness becomes a huge obstacle: I have to dissolve, I have to end pain, I need to do this, do that, etc. So then I realize selfishness is what keeps the tension around. What I do next is practice the bodhisattva vow: From this moment until samsara is completely empty, I will benefit all sentient beings.

This practice is pure magic. It feels like: it is not just about you, it is about all of us. I feel instant expansiveness and the tension is reduced because I dont cling to "I have to fix myself" or "I have to feel pleasantness". I switch the mode of being from "self-benefit" to "share the benefit". By opening myself to sharing, I reduce tension immensely.

To comply with the KFD mission, and in order to avoid being perceived as evangelizing the vajrayana, I decided to post more equivalents of the Ngondro Practice in terms of Kenneth's teachings:

1) Refuge = Paying the toll/ Release in MM noting/ 3rd Gear
2) Bodhisattva vow = Motivation to help beings achieve the hapinness that does not depend on conditions, dedication of merit, metta, mudita, etc.
3) Mandala offering = combination of the previous two, done with skill and more momentum.
4) Purification = Honest fearless noting (1st Gear) of phenomena I want to hide or dont want to look at, combined with the previous three.
5) Unification with the guru/Dzogchen = Perfection of 3rd gear/ Mahamudra

Today is "paying the toll" day. At this moment Im feeling a lot of subtle energetic activity. I can sense it comes from identifying myself with silhouettes I create out of body sensations. It is a bit painful. What Im doing right know to ease the pain is just "watch" the sensations. I watch them with my touch sense, and mental sense. At the same time I switch from silhouette mode to no-silhouette mode, without interrupting mindfulness This means I am now abiding in limitless openness and my sensations are part of the tridimensional landscape. Of course, "I" is another sensation, an abstract puppet sensation behind my eyes. Tension is empty, no tension is empty. Tension is empty, no tension is empty, etc. Over and over and over. I can see this because of no-silhouette mode. As I'm identify emptiness "inside" and "outside", both inside and outside merge. As both inside and outside merge I surrender and realize I dont have to do anything but "watch" with my touch and mind senses. Even what is watching is being watch by itself. The temptations I am sensing right now: wanting to "chew" sensations, wanting to end sensations, wanting to do something about it, wanting to distract myself with something else (like twitter or facebook).
Things Im noting right now: tension, pain, lust, anxiety, heartbeats, bliss, freshness, sense of I, body, etc.

Paying the toll now feels like surrendering: without falling I give up my body, and I give up myself. Giving up myself feels like melting, I continue arising (behind my eyeballs), but I keep melting, and melting and melting. I feel more bliss as I melt. Somewhere in there I can sense my will and let it melt too. It comes up again when I start writing this words, but as I write them I let it melt, little by little, no rush. And now I feel like a ghost typing, this ghost of course is just another silhouette that is part of this moment

As I sense myself as a ghost, i notice again the rest of the sensations, pleasant, unpleasant and neutral. I can also sense that unpleasant sensations are empty, I kwow they have been hacked, same thing for pleasant sensations, all hacked. Neutralness is not the right word, a better word would be openness. There is openness everywhere. Openness inside me, openness in the computer monitor, behind the computer, openness in sounds, openness in my identity. So now its time to surrender even more. To the point i feel I am no one, yet I can still write about all this without being defined. This feels strange but only because it is not a common way of being. 2 years ago I wouldnt be able to do this, yet I can do it now (write without being a defined being). I know there is still someone here but there is no shape. I recognize I am undefinedness. I surrender as undefinedness. Now it feels like there is no difference between up and down, no difference between left and right, no difference between front and back.

EDIT: After abiding like this for 10 minutes, pain ceased.

After yesterday's discussion on rigpa, the experience of it remained for the rest of the afternoon. Reading mumuwu's take on it refreshed my whole experience of it. So later on, after work, I took my car to the repair shop and I knew I was gonna be there for a while. So I decided to practice as mumuwu practiced yesterday. I can also say that, IMO, this practice points to what Nick implied in this sentence:

"I would equate the 'I am' obsession/desire/conceit to the sense of 'being'/presence/inner world that arises as any affective feeling. Taking on the notion that 'I' am my feelings and my feelings are 'me' will aid one in seeing the arising and passing away of the 'I am' obsession/desire/conceit, which still persists even after MCTB 4th path"

It fits perfectly too with the Tibetan Preliminary Practices. In fact, as I was practicing while apprehending the "I" when saying "I am aware and this awareness is boundless", I would occasionally get stuck, only to find out later on that I wanted to do things. So I surrendered, I took refuge in awareness as I recognized that I didnt need to do anything to be aware. But the preliminary that catapulted the experience was the bodhisattva vow. As I said in a previous post, shifting from "benefit myself" to "benefiting whatever is within the reach of my awareness" takes the experience to a whole new level. Best way I can describe it: immense, open and very very lucid. So I was abiding in that state (I dont think it was pure rigpa but it was definitely spacious) when suddenly another car hit one of the mirrors of my car. A year ago that would've been enough to get really angry, yell at the guy, and get into an argument with the person. This time, nothing like that happened. I felt a brief moment of light fear/anxiety. But no anger whatsoever. This has never happened before.

To abide in the state described previously, what I did was:

- Acknowledge that I dont need to do anything to be aware
- Surrender and pay the toll using myself as the toll
- Surrender my awareness without separating from my awareness
- Switch to bodhicitta mode (benefit for everything within my awareness)

"But the preliminary that catapulted the experience was the bodhisattva vow. As I said in a previous post, shifting from "benefit myself" to "benefiting whatever is within the reach of my awareness" takes the experience to a whole new level."

Wow. Thank you so much. Immense gratitude.

Gah...see "I" was trying to be enlightened for the sake of sentient beings....<pretends to bash head against desk>

"Gah...see "I" was trying to be enlightened for the sake of sentient beings....<pretends to bash head against desk>"

I know I know, hahaha, it took me a while to figure that one out.

I had to read over and over the philosophical writings of emptiness by Nagarjuna to fully grasp the mahayana view: why keep any benefit for a non-existing self? Once I got that, bodhicitta exploded

"
- Switch to bodhicitta mode (benefit for everything within my awareness)"

Some interesting correlations maybe:

"Furthermore, there is the case where a monk might say, 'Although compassion has been developed, pursued, handed the reins and taken as a basis, given a grounding, steadied, consolidated, and well-undertaken by me as my awareness-release, still viciousness keeps overpowering my mind.' He should be told, 'Don't say that. You shouldn't speak in that way. Don't misrepresent the Blessed One, for it's not right to misrepresent the Blessed One, and the Blessed One wouldn't say that. It's impossible, there is no way that '” when compassion has been developed, pursued, handed the reins and taken as a basis, given a grounding, steadied, consolidated, and well-undertaken as an awareness-release '” viciousness would still keep overpowering the mind. That possibility doesn't exist, for this is the escape from viciousness: compassion as an awareness-release.'

www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/an/an06/an06.013.than.html

"When this concentration is thus developed, thus well-developed by you, you should then train yourself thus: 'Compassion, as my awareness-release... Appreciation, as my awareness-release... Equanimity, as my awareness-release, will be developed, pursued, handed the reins and taken as a basis, given a grounding, steadied, consolidated, & well-undertaken.' That's how you should train yourself. When you have developed this concentration in this way, you should develop this concentration with directed thought & evaluation, you should develop it with no directed thought & a modicum of evaluation, you should develop it with no directed thought & no evaluation, you should develop it accompanied by rapture... not accompanied by rapture... endowed with a sense of enjoyment; you should develop it endowed with equanimity."

www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/an/an08/an08.063.than.html

"And how, monks, does a monk cultivate release by compassion? What is its goal, its excellence, its fruit and its outcome?

"In this, monks, a monk cultivates the enlightenment-factors of mindfulness... equanimity accompanied by compassion... [as above]... he dwells thus, equanimous, mindful, clearly aware or, by passing utterly beyond all perception of objects, by the going-down of perceptions of sensory reactions,[6] by disregarding perceptions of diversity, thinking 'space is infinite,' he attains and dwells in the sphere of infinite space.[7] I declare that the heart's release by compassion has the sphere of infinite space for its excellence. This is the attainment of a wise monk who penetrates to no higher release.

www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/sn/sn46/sn46.054x.wlsh.html

When I myself chant metta phrases or even pali chanting that I Iearnt long ago (which is a current activity), the whole mental focus automatically shifts to the space all around as far as 'space' is perceived; everything of form, everything within the space, 'beings', objects, the world around become the principal focus and have full recognition. Compassion has as its excellence the sphere of infinite space. Something to ponder maybe.

One more possible correlation for good measure. It may relate to your goals:

"Then again, a monk keeps pervading the first direction[2] with an awareness imbued with good will, likewise the second, likewise the third, likewise the fourth. Thus above, below, & all around, everywhere, in its entirety, he keeps pervading the all-encompassing cosmos with an awareness imbued with good will '” abundant, expansive, immeasurable, without hostility, without ill will. He reflects on this and discerns, 'This awareness-release through good will is fabricated & intended. Now whatever is fabricated & intended is inconstant & subject to cessation.' Staying right there, he reaches the ending of the mental fermentations. Or, if not, then '” through this very Dhamma-passion, this Dhamma-delight, and from the total wasting away of the first five Fetters '” he is due to be reborn [in the Pure Abodes], there to be totally unbound, never again to return from that world.

"This too, householder, is a single quality declared by the Blessed One '” the one who knows, the one who sees, worthy & rightly self-awakened '” where the unreleased mind of a monk who dwells there heedful, ardent, & resolute becomes released, or his unended fermentations go to their total ending, or he attains the unexcelled security from the yoke that he had not attained before.

[Similarly with awareness-release through compassion, through appreciation, & through equanimity.]

Continued..

"Then again, a monk '” with the complete transcending of perceptions of [physical] form, with the disappearance of perceptions of resistance, and not heeding perceptions of diversity, [perceiving,] 'Infinite space' '” enters & remains in the dimension of the infinitude of space. He reflects on this and discerns, 'This attainment of the infinitude of space is fabricated & intended. Now whatever is fabricated & intended is inconstant & subject to cessation.' Staying right there, he reaches the ending of the mental fermentations. Or, if not, then '” through this very Dhamma-passion, this Dhamma-delight, and from the total wasting away of the first five Fetters '” he is due to be reborn [in the Pure Abodes], there to be totally unbound, never again to return from that world."

www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/mn/mn.052.than.html

"When I myself chant metta phrases or even pali chanting that I Iearnt long ago (which is a current activity), the whole mental focus automatically shifts to the space all around as far as 'space' is perceived; everything of form, everything within the space, 'beings', objects, the world around become the principal focus and have full recognition. Compassion has as its excellence the sphere of infinite space. Something to ponder maybe. "

Yes, when practicing the bodhisattva vow, I do so in tibetan and with melody. The good will embedded in it, the devotion to benefit, both become a door to the sphere of infinite space. From there I jump into wisdom cultivation, which is pretty much abiding in the push-pull free stillness that permeates awareness. Although a full PCE hasnt emerged, I now know I am cultivating dispassion from dualistic awareness without pushing or pulling. Things are becoming more light and enjoyable. The space is immense and I can abide for longer periods in the sphere of infinite space. There is still some tension inside my head, a lot less than a few months ago.

Thank you for the suggestions Nick, reading them helps me refine practice and reminds me the right direction. The right way to go.

At this point in my practice, I see no difference whatsover among the following methods of release/end of suffering.

Method 1, taken from Nick's comment (#18 on this thread):
- Cultivate the 7 factors of enligthenment, up until equanimity.
- While abiding in equanimity switch to compassion mode and discern sphere of infinite space.
- Cultivate wisdom (non-dwelling, no pull, no push, no evaluation, no consumption, no grasping).

Method 2, Ngondro:
- Take refuge in Budha nature. This means giving away one's will, until one reaches vajra samadhi (death of desire)
- Bodhicitta: Allowing the expansion of the benefit of vajra samadhi, to all directions, beings, until the sphere of infinite space is revealed.
- Offer mandala: skillful cultivation of the previous two, to gain momentum, until action is completely free of agency.
- Purification: all subtle tendencies to grasp, cling or reject are liberated spontaneously.
- Abide in rigpa and let this body-mind be nurtured.

Method 3, cultivation of delight (taken from the AFT): www.actualfreedom.com.au/richard/selecte...dence/sc-delight.htm

In fact, differences between the steps, levels or phases mentioned in the previous methods, are disappearing. I see no point in having a preference because to me, they're all the same right now. At the moment, I see no point in finding the equivalence between each semantic system.

To me, 3rd Gear is all of the above. The result: a weakening of dualistic fixation, an emergence of the non-dual, an emergence of reality as it is, abiding in rigpa, Dzogchen and Mahamudra.