Alejandro's report

I had already read the following text at Down the rabbit hole. I re-read today with fresh eyes: thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2011/11/...tioning-beliefs.html

This helped me ground more stuff than just emotions. Pain, tension, tightness, you name it. The trick: ask myself "why is this unpleasant?" and then acknowledge that pleasant, unpleasant and neutral are arbitrary beliefs. This has two implications:

1) I can see that in the past, while noting feeling-tone, I might have been re-enforcing craving, clinging and/or rejection. Today I woke up with a headache and, after reading Nick's post, I became mindful of the headache and noted: "Its unpleasant only if I say so, and right now I say this headache isn't unpleasant" Then, accordingly, I opened myself to the headache and it started to transmute itself to bliss. From this I can conclude that it is better to get rid of beliefs than to try to be equanimous, while at the same time believing there is unpleasantness, or better than "letting pain be" while believing pain is unpleasant. In the past I could hack vedana through some sort of direct mode practice but I couldnt really see how this worked. Now I have seen that beliefs play a major part. Moreover, belief is just concept and concept is like a word (even if the concept is just a non-verbal image, it can still be like a word: it could convey meaning), which takes me to the next implication.

2) Buddhist tantra uses a lot of visualizations. Specifically, one visualizes him/herself as an enlightened buddhist deity to "activate" buddha nature. So tantra is kinda like a "fake it till you make it" approach. The whole tridimensional visualization is like a huge decree that states: this is pure and actual since the very beginning, this belief is not a belief, this is emptiness itself beyond pleasantness, unpleasantness and neutralness. Cont'd below.

Does one have to visualize according to the tantras? Not necessarily. But I can see how this can help people activate buddha nature by decreeing a visualization that implies that oneself and everything else is perfect since...always. How does one decree perfection or purity if one hasn't recognized it? My guess is that one could first start from a Theravada perspective, that is, recognizing harmful beliefs like "this is unpleasant, hence it should be avoided", and then one could discern pure emptiness little by little by reducing craving/clinging/rejection through the previous decree. With time, one then would remember faster what pure emptiness is and hence decree: I and everything else is pure emptiness (a decree with or without visualization).

Lately I've been establishing attentiveness of "I". I've been perceiving myself as a puppet: just here, staring at things when this body-mind needs to stare at things, walking when walking needs to be done. Overall, I've been just mindful of myself in relation to everything else. It feels kinda like a 1st person shooter videogame. My head feels like another limb, as well as my eyes. Sometimes disembedding happens, sometimes embedding happens. This reminds me of Kenneth's binary technique. Self? Yes. Self? No, Self? No, Self? yes. Yes, no, yes, yes, no, yes, no. Then I drop the verbal noting.

The juxtaposition takes me little by little into effortless jhana, as well as effortless vipassana. What else is there to say, what else is there to do...

The previous post has evolved into an "actualizing the 'I'". What better way than to be mindful of the "I" than being the "I". That's it, nothing more to add or remove. Of course, I don't act out any harmful habit, but I don't fight it. I don't even act out beneficial subtle movements in my mind or body. Everytime I try to do something good, the already inherent goodness is blocked. Instead of staring at a round disk, "I" is now the kasina. I stare at the "I" and I let the "I" be impermanent. I don't have to do anything to stare, I just stare. A big empty stare. So I rise, endure and cease, I rise again, endure and cease again. At the same time I feel how new pain rises, new tension rises: in my temples, above my upper teeth, behind my jaw. Some of these pains are familiar, but they've changed, they've moved. The more Iet the "I" be itself, the more "I" liberates itself. Any willful movement disturbs a natural movement. The more the "I" liberates itself, the more it feels it melts, it dissolves without destroying anything. The so called "self immolation" is actually very pleasant, My solidity, my stubbornness to be here, feels like melting wax. It doesn't melt downwards, it melts in all directions. So far, the most important part of this practice is learning not to hide again. I can hide trying to do something. So instead of trying to do something, I say "I'm here" while knowing I am here. And then, after knowing I am here, I switch to:
- Willing to change spontaneously even if that means I will no longer be what I think I am
- Willing to be without trying to be
- Willing to fade away

The cleaning of the unfindable lens isn't done be me at all.

Also, by combining post 25 with 28, I can now stare at the "I" without believing the "I" is something bad that needs to be eradicated. Instead, I just look for suffering (evident and subtle) and I see that grasping to the "I" creates suffering, fighting the "I" creates suffering, thinking I am the "I" perpetuates suffering. So the problems at the moment, appear to be the actions done by someone (unfindable) and not the illusion itself.

Edited for clarity

"So the problems at the moment, appear to be the actions done by someone (unfindable) and not the illusion itself."

It will be interesting to find out just who this unfindable "someone" is!

"
"So the problems at the moment, appear to be the actions done by someone (unfindable) and not the illusion itself."

It will be interesting to find out just who this unfindable "someone" is!



"

Haha! Its me!

Sometimes it is evident that I am causing trouble. Other times, however, it feels like something else is causing suffering. In the end I always realize I'm the one perpetuating tension. It seems that the trap that keeps repeating itself over and over is that I tend to treat unskillful habits as something that is not me, when in fact it is me. Kinda like how we project our issues onto others.

So the narrative seems to be:
- Something's unskillful
- I need to get rid of it

or

- I'm doing something unskillful
- I need to stop doing it

Both narratives perpetuating harmful becoming

That raises an interesting dilemma, or maybe it's better called a conundrum --

If there is no "me" and the illusion of control is really an illusion, how do we deal with a bad habit? No one is doing it, and there's no way to control it. So if I do manage to eliminate the "me" (sense of self that I mistakenly presume to be in control) then......

"
That raises an interesting dilemma, or maybe it's better called a conundrum --

If there is no "me" and the illusion of control is really an illusion, how do we deal with a bad habit? No one is doing it, and there's no way to control it. So if I do manage to eliminate the "me" (sense of self that I mistakenly presume to be in control) then......

"

Disclaimer: my experience.

....then all that may be seen to give rise to 'bad habit' is cause and effect (1). When the causes of bad habits are seen in real time, this 'seeing of bad habits' can act as a cause for the effect of their ceasing and perhaps being replaced with habits that are not seen as bad.

(1) For example, the 'bad habit' of 'presumption' on my part was conditioned to arise by a thought loop of "I know what I'm talking about" based off of a dozen other beliefs based on interpretations of past and present experiences. When the thought loop was seen to be baseless in realtime, the tendency to presume to know certain things based off of that thought loop ceased or perhaps more honestly was transmuted into a different effect/result. One that doesn't have me presuming all over the place like before.

At times presumption still arises as a thought. But its cause has been seen, so it ceases to produce the same effects of 'being 100% certain' and further mentally, verbally and physically acting on that presumption. Cause and effect, effect/cause. Setting up the right causes for the desired effects perhaps is dependent on past causes and effects. Yeh, does not seem to be much free will in this endless chain. Seems like it though. Perhaps by just reading this thread, a thought of changing a bad habit is triggered. It seems like the decision to change the bad habit is freely made. But it was a thousand conditioning factors that led one to read this thread.

Free will?

Yes?

No?

"
Free will?

Yes?

No?

"

When you look at all the countless causes that led to making a singular decision, i would say on an absolute level, there appears to be no free will.

On a conventional level, yes there does appear to be, and I would say it best be taken as a sort of tool in the toolbox to presume (hehe) that one still has free will. Run with the cause and effects that led one to practice Dharma and put all this crazy arse practices into action, and run with the whole "our thoughts of today are building our lives of tomorrow" (severely paraphrased Buddha quote).

In other words, count yourself 'lucky' that past merits (actions of body speech and mind) led one to the present conditioning to continue with dharmic practices and keep setting up the ideal conditions (based off of past conditioning) for happier future conditioning. Run with the positive conditioning!

I agree. There appears to be no real free will, just a huge bundle of causes, though very chaotic, that only appear to be non-causal due to their complexity, that lead to this and that result, which leads to this and that result, which leads to.... to infinity. I believe this is called Indra's Net. Everything is interconnected and inter-causal.

BUT -- It is appropriate to consider that there is some manner of free will. We can plan, and we do act on those plans.

JMHO, of course.

"If there is no "me" and the illusion of control is really an illusion, how do we deal with a bad habit? No one is doing it, and there's no way to control it. So if I do manage to eliminate the "me" (sense of self that I mistakenly presume to be in control) then......

"

The main problem in my practice has been using "wanting to do something to deal with bad habit" as a support to become. When I've thought: "the 'me' needs to be eliminated so that dualistic fixation ceases", I've used that whole reflexion as support to become someone: the solver of the problem. That of course led to tension, stress, etc.

So the strategy, at least today, is applying the 4 noble truths in a different way (the right way hopefully ): seeing them as a sequence of causes and effects.
1) I discern suffering (cause for 2nd noble truth: because I suffer, I look for the origin of suffering).
2) I discern the origin of suffering (cause for third noble truth: "When the causes of bad habits are seen in real time, this 'seeing of bad habits' can act as a cause for the effect of their ceasing"<---I can confirm this also in my experience. In fact, by looking at the cause of suffering, I naturally let go suffering itself and start feeling the third noble truth)
3) I discern the ceasing of suffering (cause for the discovery of the 4th noble truth)
4) I discern the path/method (not clinging/dwelling)

That whole sequence regarded as just causes and effects and hence, supporting an interdependent view (deterministic perhaps?).

Mindfulness of the whole sequence must be present. Otherwise, I start being selective and that leads to fragmenting myself again to give rise to sankharas.

Also, when discerning the 2nd noble truth, the "letting go" happens because grasping hurts. Letting go and grasping are not someone, they're just actions. Little by little I keep seeing things to let go until I see that I have to let myself go to which is done in various ways:
- surrendering
- giving up
- doing nothing
- Spontaneously being that I am right now, etc.

On taking refuge:

I had relied heavily on surrendering to the triple gem, yidam deities, etc. After all, surrendering (without the deities, triple gem) is an essential part of MM, Dzogchen, Direct Mode, 3rd Gear, and AF. But I was overlooking presence. How could I surrender without being present? I was still hiding (who knows where because I could never be outside of outside) and thus forcing an impossible surrender, or at least a very stressful one. Fortunately I realized that in refuge, devotion cannot be devotion if presence isn't, well, present. To establish presence I would usually just go back to 1st gear, but this eventually became another trap because I would create another identity: the noter. It felt like: I need to exist to note, I cannot note if I don't exist. But the problem didn't end there. Once I realized I was creating more tension, I figured I needed to end it through paying the toll using any sense of identity as currency. The problem was still there: to pay the toll I needed a payer. And then it hit me: every time I'd tried to do anything to fix something, I was establishing delusion and identity through "doing" itself.

So taking refuge a la vajrayana has helped a lot. I will not do anything, the triple gem will. Of course in the vajrayana its understood that the triple gem is one's own buddha nature. But locating the triple gem outside myself has helped me become useless. Instead of hiding in some sort of useful action to end becoming. Something "outside" myself will do the job. All I have to do is be present as I am, and thus just be with everything else as it is.

Tricky stuff.

That's cool Alejandro! Nice post. What also increasingly helps me lately is to see the artificiality of the duality between the movements of identity and all the other movements of Universe or Great Nature, within and around this body mind. The movements of identity are marked by the same true nature as the wind in the leaves, they arise with the same spontaneity (even though they ARE resistance-to-what-is in some sense). So this helps to avoid the trap of enacting a practitioner-identity who will deconstruct the delusory identities, thus perpetuating the very factors of suffering (illusion of control, resistance, solid separate identity). Just to see whatever identities are arising-- whatever realms, in Vajrayana parlance -- as more natural activity of great nature, open, clear, vibrant as they are. No need to accept or reject them, to cultivate or eliminate them. The more transparent they become the less power they have to compel activity of body speech or mind!
-Jake

Yup, I completely agree. This last week I've been learning just to be whatever I am at the moment. Yesterday I was talking to mumuwu about how "concentration" and "distraction" are just labels. He has been pointing out that even if you're distracted, you're still aware, you're still experiencing something (completely natural and spontaneous). Dualistic fixation hasn't left the building but its certainly moving out little by little whenever I read insights like the one you just posted. Thanks!

Yeah, I just read through this thread for the first time and I have to say: lots of great great stuff in here. Thanks for sharing Alejandro!

Thanks Jake =) I don't report daily but when I do is because something big hits me

A while ago I started a thread abt the emptiness of speech. Well, yesterday and today it became evident that, in order to advance in the path, we need to drop Speech. This is what I did:

While being mindful/ attentive to sensuousness, I continued letting things end, specially anything that seemed to be myself. I found myself outside of myself and I let my external self end (wanting people to be different, not wanting xmas break to end, etc.) I found myself in my eyes, ears, mind, etc. and then I felt tension (like the one mentioned in the "inside-outside" thread) somewhere in my mouth, tongue, throat and back of my nose. I became mindful of my verbal self, of my desire to speak, my desire to be quiet, my desire TO BE communication. And then, little by little I started dropping my verbal self. Of course, the first fear I noticed is that I wouldn't be able to speak, but I knew this was just another way to resist: I could still see when I dropped my visual self, I could still hear when I dropped my aural self.

How does one drop? Lately I tell myself: my eyes are everyone's eyes, my mind is everyone's mind, my ears are anyone's ears, my verbosity is everyone's verbosity. Like that, I feel very very vulnerable, exposed, naked and open. Its like: yes, everyone can come in and take whatever they want. Insects, spiders, worms, everything can roam and consume me. It feels scary at first but then PCE/Rigpa-like experiences rise.

Going back to speech, my mental representation of my mouth feels like a sticker imposed on the sensations that make up my mouth. The Alex that speaks feels like its released naturally and is seen like a mirage (like everything else). Tension turns into tingling, tingling turns to space, space turns to emptiness without "emptiness".

Lately Bodhicitta has been making so much sense. It is multi-flavoured:

- Metta feels like mother's love, serenity, well-being.
- Compassion feels like a groundless space that allows natural liberation of tension/feelings of anxiety, anguish, sorrow or anger. It feels like non-dual forgiveness.
- Mudita feels like fundamental joy,
- Equanimity still tastes like equanimity, like sameness.
- Generosity feels like the end of me-mine perspective. Very open, infinite and specially empty.
- Moral conduct feels like efficiency, precision, like flowing, moving and connectedness.
- Patience feels like openness that listens to every sensation, manifestation, colour, etc. It feels like respect for every speed and movement.
- Energy/Virya feels like goind down a slide. Performing actions feels like going downhill, every movement is slippery, decisions are slippery and precise.
- Concentration feels like a stillness that penetrates every type of phenomena.
- Wisdom is still fuzzy but if feels like empty movement, empty unceasing becoming.

I know that descriptios could be better but right now these are the only words that come to mind.

Furthermore, none of the previous bodhicitta flavours come from the self. I know this may sound obvious, but I think its important to realize this. I used to try to generate each wholesome state of being until I realized "I" don't generate them. They rise naturally when I drop myself.

Inspiring as always. I've only noticed little bits of this bodhicitta, but what you are describing resonates for me

"Inspiring as always. I've only noticed little bits of this bodhicitta, but what you are describing resonates for me"

Awesome. The Brahmaviharas easily take you there. Also, the sutras Nik posted in this thread are great ways to cultivate it.