SimonT journal

Hi everyone.

I'm new on this forum. I usually hang out on dharmaoverground but here seems more appropriate for a journal. I try to not spend too much time on Internet but I will make an effort to update my journal with relevant logs. A bit about me:

I got really interested in meditation about 10 months ago when I concluded it was the way to go to deal with my ADHD and floating depression. Practice was very weak for many months until I decided to fly to Southeast Asia in hope that a long-term retreat would give me the peace of mind to practice seriously.

I did a 10 days in Myanmar in July during which I faced depression and lack of discipline. At the end of September I started doing "constant" practice. Basically, I try to not allow myself any thoughts that is necessary in the immediate moment by focussing on any sensation of the 5 senses door at hand, labeling thoughts and to some extend, labeling sensations.

Got myself back in another mahasi retreat last month with great motivation, pushing really hard on maintaining constant mindfulness. After about 3 days I started to have severe spasms when I would try to push my concentration, force myself to do noting or at the moment of falling asleep. I left the retreat after 12 days. There is a pretty good chance that I'm now at the 4th stage, the Arising and Passing away. The spasms are now much less severe and I see them coming. Current situation:
-Great sensitiveness to vibration while practicing.
-Easy to maintain a straight posture.
-The rising and falling of the abdomen are very hard to notice (especially the falling)
-I see lights pattern. Also, light imprint stay longer after closing my eyes (or I notice it more, I don't know).
-Spasms have been mostly replaced by a "flow of energy", sometimes starting in the head, sometimes in the neck.
-I find myself quite secluded from my senses while doing sitting.

Continued:
-it's easy to do long sitting since I don't feel any pain but I end up more on the tranquility side and there is very few insights.


I try not to implement a routine in my daily life. I have a lot of times at hand. Walking meditation drive me a bit crazy so I guess I should do more of it... I pretty much know nothing else than Mahasi-style. I'm hopen to suggestions.

I can highly recommend Kenneths noting practices. Check out his podcasts and essays on the subject, you can find them all on this site.

" I can highly recommend Kenneths noting practices. Check out his podcasts and essays on the subject, you can find them all on this site. "

It's interesting that Kenneth recommend using detailed noting. I use detailed noting only for mind state but only one word for each senses. Also, he recommend to spend a lot of our mind share at noting. Mahasi recommend to spend only 10% at the noting it self and the 90% in awareness. I rarely feel like I have enough energy to spend a lot of times at naming things and I tend to use awareness only.

At first I was very skeptical of both detail noting and ping pong noting with a partner. Both have proved to be very useful. First, detail noting took me a few sessions to get the hang of it but after 2-3 sessions I didn't have to spend any extra time or energy on it. If I didn't immediately come up with a word, I would use a generic term such as sensation. I spend more than 50% of the time noting body sensations. I keep a regular rhythm in my noting which seems important. Second, detail noting keeps my mind "busy" so mental proliferation doesn't occur. Energy flow and similar thoughts to me are just stories that are added on to basic phenomena. They might come up as thoughts but I note them and they pass away. Third, detailed noting seems to help me get disengaged from whatever comes up. Fourth, I don't have to worry about concentration during detailed noting. Noting acts as feedback to keep me going.

Yesterday I practiced for 4 hours consecutively. I alternated between 30 minutes of walking meditation and 30 minutes sitting. It was easy to avoid discursive thoughts but I was somewhat closed from my senses, especially in sitting meditation. I had strong concentration so I would stay with the object (breath/walk) quite well. I used half my prescription dose of my ADHD meditation which help (dexedrine/lyrica).

Today I tried to meditate without my medication. Discursive thoughts would take over during walking meditation and I would fall asleep during sitting meditation (It was right after lunch and I always feel sleepy at that time). In ended up trying some lying meditation. I was able to stay with the breath quite easily. I would get wave of energy through my brain once in a while, which is common when I struggle to concentrate during meditation. I ended up falling asleep for a fraction of second and woke up right away suddenly. My heartbeat was very fast but I was feeling in a state of deep relaxation, something that fit the description of the 1th Jhana. I tried to see if it was possible to get to the second jhana (sometimes I never experienced) by focussing on a pleasurable sensation. In the process, I got out of the relaxation state.