Dodge's Introduction and Practice Log

Hi Everyone!

I've posted a few times over at the DHO; I'm not a big poster, but I've been lurking here a while and thought I would introduce myself. There is some serious skill and experience on this site and I would like to be a little part of it.

My first connection with Buddhism came 20 years ago while reading BA Philosophy. P.F Strawson's Person Theory, amoungst others, were equivalent to an intellectual understanding of no-self. It was an interesting idea and the rest of my belief system had been systematically destroyed!

My interest remained intellectual for a few years, but I eventually started meditating; sporadically at first and then diligently for a while. After around a year or so of this, I realized I still had to get some hedonism out of my system and stopped practising. I was doing mindfulness of breathing and body scanning. My main memories are of severe leg pain and strange throbbing, melting sensations in odd places! With the knowledge I have now, I can say that I was probably stuck in 3C's/ early A&P for the last 15 years!

Then about August of this year I decided to start again, mainly to develop mindfulness and catch thoughts as they arise, before they condition more thoughts. I was experiencing a lot of anger and frustration. After a few weeks I started meditating every day and was quickly into some serious stuff. I made my first post on DHO and Daniel diagnosed me A&P.

He was of course spot on! I was experiencing a 'drop through the trapdoor' state where the speed of sensations would slow right down. The first time this happened there was also an embarrasing erection! I didn't realize it at the time, but also around this period I lost the urge to drink alcohol and stopped smoking tobacco and weed. The surface of my skin was buzzing 24/7.

Welcome Dodge!

Yes, welcome. I like the handle.

I wasn't that familar with the progress of insight, but after reading around I realised I was heading for the DN and didn't fancy that much! I began working on concentration as well as insight and as the A&P deepened, so did my concentration.

At the time I couldn't really tell one state from another, but am pretty sure I was getting into the jhanas at this point. Unfortunately this brought on the A&P event! At the bottom of the 'trap door', there seemed to be a question in the air. I answered ' impermanent'! I was perched on the end of my breath and the world went black, twice.

I felt very odd, powerful, shaky, with slow vibrations and prickly heat over my skin. I was aslo a bit worried about the looming DN. I decided to stop insight practise and work on my concentration for a while to build confidence.

For about a week I worked on concentration, then one day while working a night shift I got into strong state of jhana and decided to go for it.

To my surprise it was nearly all physical, just a sense of unease. The prickly heat on the skin returned with a vengence and then there was tension and pain in the shoulders and back of the neck which got quite intense. Most of this time I could also detect nicer vibrations in my legs.

Just as the intensity was getting too much there was a massive transition and I found myself in a much more peaceful state. DN to EQ in about half an hour.

At first it seemed like nothing much was happening after the intensity of A&P and DN, but I soon found EQ to be the most frustrating nana yet!

I hadn't read anything about it, not expecting to get that far and went about it the wrong way, trying to force it. There were lots of false dips and A&P-type blackouts that began to hurt the back of my neck.

Hi y'all, thanks for the quick welcome! Back to the story..are you sittng comfortably?!

The false dips went on for a couple of weeks and I decided to try riding EQ without interfering, watching what happened. It still went on forever and resisting the urge to push in that 'just before the fruition moment was very, very frustrating. In the end something strange happened and I was back in A&P. I followed it from there through DN and EQ and then the 'something' happened again.

I wasn't sure that was it at first. I had read in MCTB that you should be able to discern the beginning and end clearly with an absense in the middle. That's not how it was for me. I was expecting an A&P event -type experience with a loss of consciousness in the middle, but it seems fruition is not like that.

Anyway I am fairly certain that was it as from then on I was able to go from A&P to 'fruition' by summoning it. My concentration also went through the roof and I was able to access 8 jhanas, although I was not always sure which was which at that point. I was surprised that my sense of 'self' was not more diminshed by the experience than it was, but the anatta experience deepened over the next few weeks.

I stayed in this review phase for a couple of weeks, but events in my life and my reaction to them soon made it clear there was plenty of work to be done. After another friution I found myself in Mind and Body, a state I hadn't experinced for some time and was glad to be back on the road.

This may seem unlikely, but I am pretty sure I have just completed my fourth new insight cycle, and I don't mean review fruitions, new cycles starting with M&B. Four cycles in 3 months, is it really possible? I don't want to delude myself, but I am pretty sure there has been progress at each stage.

Right now I would conjecture that I am 3rd path, mainly because I seem to be able to reach NS and the PL jhanas, also my sense of anatta has become much stronger.

Around the 2nd path point, after reading Kenneth's 2nd gear, I decided to try dwelling in the witness. I asked 'what am I' and it felt like someone was inflating a ballon inside my head! I couldn't help but notice the impermanence of the sensation and immediately had a fruition. In fact it took a lot of attempts to dwell in the witness without a fruition, and in this period any strong sense of anatta would 'reset' the mind.

After the third round of insight I thought I would give NS a go and see what happened. At this point I was willing myself from one jhana to the next and seemed to get past 8th, I don't remember where. I willed NS and came down the jhanas. Nothing happened for a while, but the shutting down of the mind was very gradual and in stages. In the end I had to slide off the cushion onto the floor, it slayed me!

I wasn't sure if that was it. Like the fruition, I couldn't really discern the 'nothing' bit I was expecting. I tried it lying down a few times and made some progress, but just fell asleep in the end, so it was impossible to tell what happened.

I decided to work on the jhanas a bit more. Instead of pushing from one to the next, I decided to let the transitions happen by themselves and be more mindful of sensations pleasant and otherwise. I was able to get all the way to 13 after a few attempts and NS was much more clear cut. It seems to be a slow closing down of the mind stage by stage, finally leaving only bare awareness befor that blinks out for a few moments and then the mind rebuilds itself.

I find that often after this experience I then go on to have a regular fruition that loops back into high EQ which produces fruition after fruition. They seem to pop off like a fire work display! This seems to put me in an odd state that is a bit jhana-ish where the back of my neck is quite tense and I feel unable to move. With every pulse or breath I can feel the energy squeezing up the neck into the brain. And the constant fruitions.

Recently after a situation like this I had a very strong anatta experience where the self collapsed into itself and finally disappeared up it's own backside! I was left with bare awareness and no 'self'.

But then what was experiencing this? The awareness dissolved...transition, A&P, DN, EQ, fruition, new cycle M&B! The mind just reset itself.

That was a few days ago, since then I have just completed another cycle in record time.

I would be grateful to hear from anyone about where you think I might be on the map, or if you need any more information to make an assessment please ask.

Whether I am 3rd path or not, I would love to hear about the best way to proceed from here.

Cheers.

Hello and welcome.

Are you saying you've found yourself beginning new cycles (re-starting at 1st nana) immediately after fruitions? Could you describe your experience of fruitions?

What is your primary technique when you sit?

Could you post a phenomenological description of what happens when you sit? If you're interested in figuring out where you fit in the maps, that'd be the way to start. Check out Marc's thread or some of the middle posts in my thread to see what I mean.

Hi nadavspi, thanks for takng the time to reply. I've checked out your practice log and your descriptions are good. I'm not sure I'll be able to keep up the standard, but I will give it a go.

My main sitting technique can change according to where I am, or how I'm feeling. I've only ever used noting sparingly as I find it a bit clunky and counter-intuitive. I use body sweeping very rarely now, or occasionally I will peer into an area I'm not getting much feedback from. To be honest at the moment it doesn't seem as though I am deliberatey doing anything during meditation, I close my eyes and the mind leads me where it wants to go. I suppose you could call the technique I mainly use mindfullness; I just pay attention to whatever comes up and try not to direct things too much.

I tried to take some notes from a sit this morning, about 30 mins concentration and then 10 mins in what I consider to be Review. In this I didn't purposefully direct my mind oneway or the other, just closed my eyes, allowing it to happen.

Pulsing in the brow area. Head is pulled involuntarily slightly to the right. Warm waves of sensation in the legs. Tension and release in the back of the neck. Eyes flutter and stomach sinks slightly.

I am then sucked into a relaxed state. Pulses around my eyes and temples. It feels as though something is grabbing hold of me, pulling me in deeper. I am relaxed, but the heart seems to be beating quite fast and strong. Tingling all over the skin. Some movement in the prostate area.

At this point I paused to take some notes as I didn't think I would be able to remember much afterwards. When I close my eyes again it is as though my mind is impatient for disturbing it and I go through several strong transitions in a row.

To avoid repeating myself, a transition to me is movement from one state to another and is preceeded by throbbing/ pulsing around the eyes and temple, tension in the back of the neck, occasionally slight shaking of the head and often the feeling of rising or falling, depending on the shift.

It became apparent to me I was moving through what I consider to be the jhanas, although I now had no idea exactly where I was. The 1st 4 jhanas seem to involve pleasant tingling sensations and happy states mixed with deep concentration. The higher the jhana, the more refined the pleasure, deeper the concentration and more centred in the head, less body. 2nd has a very tight focus, 3rd seems suddenly wider, 4th is the most peaceful.

I am generally sure when I reach 5th as the state becomes almost completely mental and physical sensations are only there if I deliberately look for them. I have trouble telling 5th and 6th apart unless the sate is quite deep, but as I enter 7th it seems to me that the focus is very close to my eyes, like having my face up against a wall. It then opens out. When I enter 8th, at first it seems like nothing is hapening, then after a pause it grabs hold of me and whoosh, instantly deepens. Although there is not much going on mentally in 8th, I like it as the concentration is rock solid and I can feel strong waves of 'energy' riding up the back of my neck into the head.

By the way, I am able to move between all of these states by will, but lately have chosen to let the mind move between them as it seems fit. I now have to will the mind to stay in one place!

I am unsure how far I got into the Pure Land jhanas in this sit, but I am pretty sure I managed it. As I said I find 8th and 7th quite distinctive and I had the feelng of rising from the 8th. I think the teller is that the PL jhanas feel nothing like the formless jhanas. They are more like 1-4 in that there is a proper sense of the body. I am fairly new to the PL jhanas, so i cannot give you a very good description other than physical and very very pleasant.

When I reached my nadir, I started the descent. I had made no resolution for 'NS', but lately it seems to happen anyway. When I got back to normal mind I carried on concentrating and started to fall back into a ind of 'negative jhana', where instead of being more awake, it feels as though parts of the mind are gradually shutting down. The whole process takes quit a while and I my head generally falls onto my chest and my body becomes very relaxed.

Darkness creeps into my vision and the body disappears as in the formless jhanas. Eventually there is only bare awareness. I always get to a point where it feels like I need to breathe but my body can't really be bothered! I'm generally barely aware at this stage, hear a little snore and consciousness blinks out for a moment. Then the process is reversed and i eventually come back to normal, but feel a bit spaced out for a while.

In this particular sit I was enjoying the peace of post-NS when I got the familiar sinking feeling in the stomach, tension in neck, temples and forehead. There was also a feeling of heat in the body and a sense of my face being compressed, squashed and folded in half down the front!

Another transition and a sense of peace and calm. Then I got the sense that two halves of my self, represented by the body, were folding up again, turning inside out along the center of my face and being sucked into the 3rd eye area!

The neck became very tense for a while. The eyes began to flutter rapidly. The head shakes from side to side slightly. The sense of self completely disappears. Darkness.

Awareness reappears a moment later and there is peace and bliss for a while.

Then another transition and into a fresh state of mind that feels a lot lighter with the eyes pointing upwards, head held high and warm feeling in the legs. Feels like a new Mind and Body to me and the start of cycle no.5.

Is that ok? I'm conscious the description went on a bit, but I couldn't really be more concise.

Let me know what you think.

Cheers.

Lately I had been going through a fresh cycle every 1 or 2 days and it was getting a bit tedious; there seemed little point in doing the same thing over and over for the sake of it, just going through the motions with no progress.

At the same time the mind was crying out for meditation; I could barely sit down and close my eyes without being sucked straight into some state. The only trouble was I had no idea what kind of practice I should be doing.

I don't know if this is strictly 'direct mode', but I noticed there were tensions in my body and decided just to concentrate on letting them go in meditation and normal life for a while. It really seemed to be doing something.

I also finally watched the 'jhana guided tour', meditating along. I was able to get all the way to the end and found my experience matched the video.

After a week or so of these practices, I had a session of going up the jhanic arc, coming down to 8th and resolving to have NS.

After NS there was what I assume is a regular NS afterglow as I've had it a few times: it feels like a mind-blowing jhana with lots of energy shooting up the neck and lots of little flashes popping off, possibly fruitions. All this time I am concentrating on releasing tension in the body.

Then I entered a lighter, more equanimous state and had the biggest kundalini experience since my very first A&P. I had been having an experience where my head was turning from right to left, but now it started tilting, ear to shoulder. As it did so, it felt like the whole world turned first to the right , then the left. Then there was movement in the prostate area which led to a gradual energy surge up my back, through the top of my head.

There was no tension left in my body and I realised the pressure I had had in my head since 1st path (like terminal cattarh) was gone. I stayed in this state for quit a while and have been able to repeat it at will since.

Ever since I have felt extremely equanimous and peaceful, the afterglow is wonderful. There is a weight off my shoulders and physical discomfort doesn't bother me much. Other than that, nothing amazing or any insights I can put my finger on especially.

Any ideas what that was?

After going up and down the jhanic arc for the last few weeks, I have realized that I am only accessing very superficial versions of the jhanas. I decided to go back to basics a bit and work on deepening the 1st and 2nd jhanas. Even the 1st jhana is going much deeper now, the heavy pleasure eventually giving way to an almost formless state.

After concentrating like this for a while, I did some vipassana and was able to absorb into the sensations in the same way, losing the sense of seperate 'self'. I made it the whole way through the insight cycle and even the dark night sensations seemed beautiful.

It has become the norm for the cycles to be completed in one sitting, the only trouble being I am finding it difficult to tell the difference between new cycles and review. Maybe it doesn't matter much as long as I am practising, but I am not really sure what I should be doing at the moment to maximise progress.

As far as going up and down the arc is concerned, as I progressed through the jhanas and could feel the 'energy' rising up my spine, it would often seem to get stuck or blocked at the cervical plexus and could be quite painful. I could feel the energy from lower down still pumping towards that spot, but it couldn't go further, building the pressure. This seems to have calmed down now. I used to associate those kind of sensations with the dark night, but I am fairly sure I wasn't in that state. I often have no idea where I am these days and just try to ride it out.

One thing I am often finding is that at the top of the arc, the mind doesn't want to come down of it's own accord and if I let it, the mind enters a very pleasant state where the energy rises from the base of the spine and goes straight through the head. It then stays in a jhanic state for a while before falling and repeating.

Should I be cultivating this quick energy up/ down kundalini thing or should I stick to going up and down the jhanic arc, or something else?

Any suggestions would be appreciated, my practise is floudering!

x

Hi Dodge,

Your practice sounds great and far more advanced than my own.
If you're not getting responses here, I would suggest that you try to post on the DhO and see what you come up with.

Thanks for sharing, I enjoy reading about your practice.

"Any suggestions would be appreciated, my practise is floudering!

"

There's a lot of detail up there, and I don't feel in a position to offer advice... except: I found it very, very, very, very useful to talk with Kenneth via Skype when my practice was in a very difficult phase. He's stepped aside from the direct teaching for now, but I know folks on this board are getting help from the other folks Kenneth has identified to teach:
kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/page/Personalized+Instruction

I think Kenneth recently wrote that he has reached his capacity for 1-on-1 teaching.

Thanks for the replies guys. I'm actually registered at DhO already, but don't have a practise log there. In fact I'm a bit rubbish at keeping a regular log; I barely have the spare time to meditate, and when I know I'll have time to write, a lot of the meditation time is spent composing!

I don't currently have skype facilities, but tuition is something I'm considering. Anyway, I think I'm making progress, maybe not just as fast as I'm used to.

I think I went through a complete new cycle in my sit last night, and another one this morning before work. The dark night has always gone pretty fast for me and apart from re-observation, I could barely make out the individual nanas, but I seem to be making some progress there.

I never really get a mental sense of fear, for instance, but associate the nanas with sensations in parts of the body:-

Fear is in the pit of the stomach/ solar plexus, misery is in the chest/ heart, disgust is in the throat, desire for deliverance is in the head/ brow, re-observation is more obvious and feels like a blockage of energy/ pressure where the neck vertabrae meet the rest of the spine.

The funny thing is if someone had talked to me 6 months ago about blocked chakras/ energy I probably would have told them where to go! I can't deny my own experience!

Mammoth session last night, not sure how long. I could have sat there all night, but have to spend some quality time with the better half!

Got home from work after 12 hour shift, tired, frustrated and angry at the world. Eventually got the toddler to sleep (terrible twos) and sat down. Mind all over the place, distracted, tension in neck and shoulders.

I get a grip on the mind and then everything starts shaking, drop into a fresh 1st nana. Even though the mind is still distracted I still burn right through the cycle, in fact I didn't even notice the dark night. Did it actually happen? Nice wave of bliss after the fruition, then a more concentrated state.

Evidently the mind wasn't satisfied with that cycle as I fell straight into another fresh 1st nana! This time I was much more concentrated and saw the stages much clearer...except this time there was no EQ! I broke through re-observation to an instant fruition.

Another wave of bliss. Now I can feel the energy rising up my spine, through the head, and my head is being pulled upwards to the ceiling. Time seems to have slowed right down and is moving in 'chunks', slowly, but clunckily. Another fruition, but this time almost like NS in the way everything seems to shut down stage by stage before a clear cessation, then normal consciousness returns in reverse.

Then lots of kundalini with the energy piling up the spine, but with blockage at the neck, lots of pressure building up. Spontaneous jhana arcs and energy eventually breaking through and coming out the head, then coming back down spine. Again and again.

After a while of this, it occurs to me that all this is beyond my volition and I opt to let it happen by itself. I let go completely of any manipulation/ tension and slip into a state where the awareness is totally detached from the sensations. I was absolutely aware of the sensations of energy going up and down the spine, but it was as though I was watching the sensations of someone else.

Not sure what that state is. I've experimented with the 'witness' before, but that feels very different, a sense of the self looking out. This was viewing the self as third person. 3rd gear?

Anyway after slipping out and back into that state for a while, I fell into another. This time all the kundalin completely abated and I seemed to be left without a sense of self, even as viewed from 3rd person. There was warmth at my lower spine and bottom and it gave the state a feeling of low centre of gravity, but it widened out to be all inclusive,empty, aware, beautiful. A few times I slipped out and back into it, and while I was out, the kundalini was still burning strong, but in the state there was no sense of anything like that.

Eventually I came out of that and felt like another fruition was coming, but rested on the edge of popping for ages. I hate that and had to force it a little. Afterwards my neck/ brain stem felt a little raw from all the pressure, but phew!

I have no idea what they were, but I will be trying to cultivate these 2 new states in the future.

I've had a breakthrough since the last post; there were a few days of solid Dark Night that finally dissipated and seemed to untangle the persistent blockage in the back of the neck. There were a couple of big fruitions, almost NS style cessation and then what felt like a path moment.

The 'energy' now seemed free to travel, although from the neck upwards it was more of a trickle than a torrent! Examining my sensations without manipulation now, the energy seems to travel mostly in a circle from the chest up through neck, head, out and back in to the chest.

There don't seem to be any blockages any more, but the energy still pauses at the neck longer than I would like sometimes and causes painful Dark Night symptoms. I am never concerned though as it always seems to move on within a few minutes.

Something I've noticed in the past was that although I've displayed the symptoms of progress, I haven't always been conscious of the 'insights'. A day or so after this shift I had a whole series of fruitions and it was as though the blockage had left 6 months worth of insights in the pipe! Mostly sub-conscious, but there was a lot about the apparent lack of free-will: the last bastion of normality I was trying to hold on to!

(cont.)

As to the 2 states I mentioned in a previous post, the first seems to come as the 'energy' leaves the head and before it is re-ingested. Sometimes it pauses in space, above and in front of my head and feels a bit like a disembodied witness or minor OOBE. It could also be a jhana of some type, but I don't recognise it.

The second occurs as the energy is sucked back to the base of the spine and I think is actually a formless jhana, probably 5th.

At the moment my practice is just watching this cycle to try and understand what is going on.