Pejn III

New Year, second mountain climbed and taking this whole thing into daily life. Here is a new journal.

My first log:
kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/44...jn+trying+to+advance .
Late Jan: Entered KFD.
Mid/late Feb: 1:st path. (Post #70 and a summary of the effects at post #93.)
Early March: Review.

My second log:
kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/45...that+second+mountain
Mid March, 1:st path review ended.
Late March: A&P.
Mid April: DN
End April/early may: EQ
May: 'Energy stuff' sent me back to DN
Late May: EQ and more 'energy stuff'.
Early June: 2:nd path.
Late June: 2:nd path review ended.
Mid Aug: A new cycle completed.
Early Sep: Another new cycle completed.
Oct-Nov: More cycles, stopped keeping track of them'¦
Nov-Dec: Mostly Jhana practice and everyday mindfulness. Widened awareness.

Wednesday:
Had a Skype-chat with Antero.
He recommended me looking into "awareness avoidance", contraction/expansion and the phenomena around this. Spot on I think!
Also binary noting "thinking/silence".
And some witness on top of this.
This could be excellent everyday practice, together with the current full body awareness I already do.

We also made the jhanic arc up to Pure Land 5.
(I had already encountered them before in my PL experimenting, but now they line up neatly and I can repeat them.)

I'll be on a vacation now for two weeks so I'll be even more silent now.
/Pejn

Back from vacation.

It is obvious that I have stabilized the last 2 months and not much is "happening" on the cushion or in daily life. The wild cycles from late fall is completely gone it seems.
The widened awareness is available at will most of the time and always puts a silly smile on my face. The mind quiets down almost entirely.
This is most easily accessed through the visual field and the body and the rest comes along.
Most inner dialog of different affections are recognized and are easily stopped in daily life. (But they pop up again unless I keep the widened awareness)

On the other hand I haven't pushed my on-cushion meditation mush since December. It is mostly used as a "fix".
A session that ends with the body rushes makes the next day a calm and smooth one.

/Pejn

Mudita

"
He recommended me looking into "awareness avoidance", contraction/expansion and the phenomena around this. Spot on I think!

/Pejn"

Some ways you could investigate subtle resistance

Pay attention to the direction of the attention. Where does it want to go? What kind of things it wants to avoid? There are some forms that are naturally draw the attention and start the process of conceptualization.

See how the attention expands and contracts. There are situations which might not trigger physical tension the body, which is usually easier to see than the mental contraction. What kinds of situations make the attention contract and expand?

Feel the subtle restlessness of the body and mind. Even with the outer conditions perfect, the mind is fidgeting slightly as it does not want to accept the situation. If you pay attention to your body as a whole, this restlessness can be felt as a kind of uneven pressure from within. If you look closely into the attention itself, you might notice how it is flucuating slightly and unpleasantly.

If you can feel the vibrations of the body, look into them and observe how they are changing all the time. It is a dynamic system that is reacting to impulses coming from the outside and from within.

Investigate the thinking mind. What else are conceptual thoughts except minds attempts to stick to something other than present?

Even if the body and mind are restless and reacting with aversion to the situation, there is always something constant and unchanging present in the mind. There is this quality of unstained knowing that is like a bubble of infinite inner silence that is never affected by the turbulence. This is the opposite of resistance.

The practice Antero suggested, looking into awareness of aversion, is hard to do.
There is aversion against looking at the aversion!

It has however triggered some insights into habits.

Lets take drinking coffee.

Nowadays the benefits from coffee are small and the urge is not always so strong, compared to my early ears (20-30).
It has become a habit.

When I now look into the urge to have a cup of coffee it is not very strong (the urge) and easily dismissed. It consist mostly of an uneasiness in mind & body I want to get rid of. Aversion.

But it comes back again and again until I fall for the temptation and take an unnecessary cup.
This is quite strange that the habit can "win" over both the decision not to do it and the investigation into the impulses.

In today's session with Antero we digged deeper into this and his recipe is to look even deeper (and longer) into the aversion/greed and the awareness of it. (With some more twists around this.)
This can be done for any impulse to do anything else than accepting the moment and any habit.
So here is an opportunity for 24/7 practice

I feel it is high time to change a lot of habits. Most of them are stupid anyway.
Also need some good habits to replace them with

Jet-lag and a bit fever made Pejn a dull yogi early in the week.

Practice after that has been one evening session insight and later one session jhanas, including PL.
Thursday insight session was interesting because I picked up silent noting again (instead of 'just observing').
The session became more intensive, even with some of my kriyas coming back in the late DN-stages.
EQ was very 'bubbly'.

Friday session on the other hand became worse, restless and more uncomfortable. Had to push myself some extra 20 mins to get the (weak) plop-relief'¦

Investigation-wise I had an opportunity with an emotional dilemma mid-week. I found that when I thought of one way to deal with it the attention went to the stomach. Thinking of the other option the attention went from the stomach up to the forehead and then back. Other occasions the neck and shoulders are involved in unpleasant emotions, then going down to the stomach.

Odd practice: when I have tried the 'How am I experiencing this moment of being alive', the widened outwards-directed attention that brings gives me resistance (not aversion) against reading (or even thinking).
Reading (and thinking) is sometimes an escape, so this is interesting.

Today I will go to a 1.5h Ashtanga-Yoga session. Fear!

I am going for a two-day retreat tomorrow. Will make an experiment.
Otherwise nothing to write about...
Keep on...
/Pejn

Monday, after the retreat, had strong concentration.
Aimed for only 20 mins (late evening) but made it 45 mins anyway.
(had an informal "just sitting" 30-mins session earlier in evening)

Kriyas is back!
Strong grimacing and the head tilted upwards and backwards.

The nyanas has been weak for many weeks but now they was stronger.
Came up to a nice distinct EQ, and when I fell back to ND (i think) i quit.

How did the retreat go, Petter? What kind of a retreat was it?

Hi Andy,
Not very hardcore: 2 days/9h per day mixed sitting and walking with breaks. No sleeping overnight. High quality dhamma-talks.

The experiment I intended was to stay in the state I mentioned in post #2. But it was "drowned" in the general meditation.
No "special effects" occurred, but it obviously gave me a boost I can try to ride on since 2012 has been lame so far....

The best with group sitting is the discipline it brings to a lazy yogi...

A few of the nights after the retreat I had strong nightmares, like I have not had since I can remember.
Once I woke and felt strong fear with cold shivers when looking at the closet door! Just like some 40 years ago.
The whole week was a low mark with tiredness and irritation and even some disgust. Junk food was consumed!

It seems to smooth out now Sunday and Monday. Meditations feel good again.
I can imagine what a roller coaster a longer retreat could be.
(And what benefits it could bring)

"The experiment I intended was to stay in the state I mentioned in post #2. But it was "drowned" in the general meditation.
- Pejn"

Hi Pejn

Would you like to describe that state and how you practice it in detail?

@Antero:

This is how I described it in two posts october when I started practice it:

---
"By keeping strong 360 degree attention into the body (including sight and hearing).
I then find negative thoughts dissolving into the bodily vibrations, like a bliss wave. Instead of becoming a negative emotion in the body.
To get this special state of attention I stand still relaxing and focus my way up to fourth jhana (or an attention similar to fourth jhana) and then try to keep it for a few minutes.

This is very close, if not the same, as my vipassana "just sitting"-mindfulness-practise.

So my question was: Is this the same as Kenneth's "grounding the emotions", because I have never understood these instruction, the tollbooth, lightning rod, lava lamps etc.
---

---
"A variation I have been playing with lately, with success when the conditions are good, but still a beginner.
Tune in to 4:th jhana, by focusing and going up 1:st->2:nd-3:rd->4:th. (The hard part...)
Not hard jhana, but finding the quality of attention that comes with 4:th jhana.
Try to keep this attention during day, or recall it when it is lost.
If I have trouble going up the jhanic arc, I can try to "fake it", pretend I'm there and sometimes come there.

This panoramic and focused attention automatically recognizes the connection between thougths & emotions and the body and "ground" them in the body. No extra effort required.
The same goes with all sense doors. An all around awareness integrates all of "the mess".

Pretty hard to do some days, but other days very accessible for me."
---

If I describe it today:
* Stand still.
* Relax.
* Widen the attention , visually and bodily and "everything-ly".

This, within a few seconds:
* Stops thoughts.
* Dissolves bad emotions into the body.
* Erase all restlessness.
* Sometimes gives a bliss wave.
* Puts a silly smile on my face.

After a minute or so it losens its effect and I back at normal.
Trying to repeat it I need less effort. But I can't keep it for long.

On the other hand it is so simple and easy to do that I could doubt it is a practice at all. Maybe I just relax...?
Or it is vipassana? Or it is "Third Gear"? Or "Direct mode"? Or xxx...

It seems to me that you are starting to get close to 3rd gear territory, awareness of the nature of awareness itself.

One way to approach it:

1. Look at the tranquil mind with no thoughts and get absorbed in the awake empty quality of the mind.
2. Once you get it right, compare it with arising thoughts and investigate how mind with thoughts are different from the mind with no thoughts.
3. When you have found the common denominator that is always present, thoughts or no thoughts, you can be aware of it any time during the day.

Once you see the qualities of the mind that always stay the same regardless of being tranquil, tired, angry, in pain, hungry or tormented by thoughts, you will see that you were never apart from it, just not noticing.

"It seems to me that you are starting to get close to 3rd gear territory, awareness of the nature of awareness itself...
...
..."

Hi Antero.
This makes some sense.
There is some kind of background presence (or non-presence?) that I cannot touch or see but is as a hint of something.

The comparing practice you suggest seems a natural thing to do. It is only a matter of remember to do it.

Most of February has been filled with tiredness. I have spent a lot of time in the sofa feeling lousy and lacking interest in anything at all.
A stubborn 5 week long cold has something to do with it. But not all.
Practice has been neither this nor that and I don´t think I have had a fruition all month. I even skipped practice two days this week after a dreadful evening sit and following night.

This could have changed now.
At the end of yesterdays formal sit (70 mins anapanasati), there was a brightness/energy-event.
Nothing special to mention in itself, but today all my energy came back fully. Even enough to write a dozen lines in my log.

Yep, the effects of Friday's event is still present. High energy and good mood.

Regarding the practice I mention above I got the tip on yesterdays virtual sangha that it could be tuning into 5:th jhana-territory.
This also makes some sense, when I consider how I found it in the beginning (going up 1-4th jhana i everyday life).

Yesterday I tried to start from there in my sit and then go up, skipping 1-4.
I had to "restart" this a couple of times and the jhanas above did not become very clear, but definitely more "arupa" than usual.
After 30 mins there were growing some confusion of where to put the awareness and some tensions in the back of the head and in the eyes.
Then there came a "crack" (almost soundable) in the head and everything smoothed out in strong concentration and very clear focus on the breathing.
@ 40 mins it ended in strong equanimity, feet and legs hurt but it did not matter at all.

This smoothness is still present today.
Really good after 5-6 weeks of crappyness.

My increased energy level have given me boosted engagement in my job.
So job related thoughts were buzzing around during my whole session today.
No irritated or angry thoughts at all, only positive and kindness.
Got some deep concentration even with the thought around.
Everyday life is like that also this week.

The state of mood beginning 3:rd Mars is still present:
Good energy, but balanced with relaxation.
A bit hard to go to sleep sometimes.
Strong concentration, available anytime.

My practice this month has been mainly shamata/anapanasati.
The "choiceless awareness" vipassana-sessions I have done so much before seems not to be what the minds is inclined to do now. Stillness takes over.
Cycling happens but is kept in the background attention-wise.

If I recollect the advice I have asked for and received since 2:nd path last summer they are:_
Kenneth: Keep on doing what you do, it is working.
Kenneth: Work with jhanas.
Antero and MuMu/Villum: Look at jhanas in daily life and 'compare/merge'
Antero: Compare mind with or without thoughts
Antero: Look at attention and what it wants to avoid and why.
DhO-thread: Take ice-cold showers.

(The advices were of course much more well formulated and detailed than this summary.)

I follow them one way or another, from top down.
But the confusion of what to do I had the months around New Year is gone. That's why I do not do much experimenting except for small tweaks.
So it is still quite simple minded practice, balancing concentration and insight.
Meditation in daily life comes naturally, just relax and look around and inside'¦

Sounds very good Your own understanding of what to do will keep developing, and is generally a reliable guide.

"From Villum's log:
[2:24:37 PM CEST] jaysonbyrne: when a thought arises you will let it go
[2:24:45 PM CEST] jaysonbyrne: and then notice tension in the body and allow it to be there
[2:25:00 PM CEST] jaysonbyrne: you will then ask one of the following questions
[2:25:06 PM CEST] jaysonbyrne: "how am I experiencing this moment of seeing"
[2:25:16 PM CEST] jaysonbyrne: "how am I experiencing this moment of hearing"
[2:25:26 PM CEST] jaysonbyrne: "how am I experiencing this moment of feeling"
[2:25:51 PM CEST] jaysonbyrne: when the contemplation of one of those is broken by thought - repeat the process asking the next of the three questions"

I have been doing this a lot during my vacation week. (And added sometimes: ...this moment of thinking)
It really improves the mood and give a "panoramic" feeling to all the senses.
I would classify it as a deeper version of what I have been doing before.

For some weeks I have enjoyed a very panoramic visual field. Developed (or "found") by the practice above.
Like I see it all equally sharp though the eye focus is in only one point.
Instantly available and gives instant equanimity.