Pejn III

I feel perfectly normal...

I practice like before and investigate like before but nothing really changes when I practice, only short subtle shifts.
Or maybe I'm just getting too used to it.
Sitting is sometimes relaxing sometimes boring (or rather felt at unnecessary).
Most of the time when I think or read about practice I wonder what the big deal is about.

And as I just wrote, I feel just ordinary.
/ Pejn the common man.

"I feel perfectly normal...
"

Well, I was somewhat normal for a few weeks at least.

Now the circus of cycles has begun again.
Some days of "high" and then mostly unpleasantness.
Meditation is inescapable if I close my eyes. But even when it goes to a fruition it is mostly unpleasant.

Resting in the panoramic awareness is right now the only blissful experience.

Also I have found 2:nd gear practice (introspective) to be a natural thing to do now.

Tuesday decided I was totally fed up with meditation and decided to quit for a while.
It held up for two days but then yesterday I did it again anyway. (Felt terrific all the day after.)
Let's see if I can abstain this weekend.
/Pejn

Totally failed...
Yesterday I listened to and followeed Hamilton podcast, Jhanic arc 1 nana to 13 pure abode, just for fun.
thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2010/09/episode-2.html
Today I feel glorious (in an EQ way, not an A&P-way). Dont know if is because of that practice.

Last week I held up a few days again, feeling it was all useless and tedious.
Then I, just for fun, had two great sessions (one up the jhanas and one choiceless awareness) with great afterglow.
Maybe it is just like physical exercise, some rest is needed between the workout days?

Post they say...
They cannot possibly mean me, but I'll do it anyway.

MOTIVATION
I have very little motivations for anything at all.
Not much longing for stuff either.
Irritated at a lot but it is easy to see it is only me, not the circumstances.

HABITS
Habits runs everything...
Lack of motivation makes it hard to break habits that is seen as stupid.

SPECULATIONS
Are almost gone.
All existential questions seems unimportant.
God(s), creators, after death, etc. that was so fascinating. What are you blabbing about? Who cares?

WHAT I WANT
Get rid of irritation.
Be helpful.
Stop looking.
Take care of the body.
A cheddar cheese sandwich.

PRACTISE
Sometimes this sometimes that...

CYCLES
Keep coming.

AWAKEDNESS & INSIGTHS
None.

Hang in there countryman. Like one of my favorite sages Robert Adams said " Persistence is everything"

Thanks Erik!
After a few days of holiday from meditation I have done this:

Shinzen Young "Do nothing"
Fascinating practice and delightfully effortless.

(Today Monday I do not know if I am in A&P, or have post-fruition-glow or if I´ve had an overdose of espresso.)

"God(s), creators, after death, etc. that was so fascinating. What are you blabbing about? Who cares?
"

I love it! :^)

"(Today Monday I do not know if I am in A&P, or have post-fruition-glow or if I´ve had an overdose of espresso.)
"

:^D

Yep, still here...

This summer I got really fed up and quit practice for at least two weeks, maybe three. Saw no use.
Everything went fine for a while. Had work to do, no holiday this year.
But the undone-ness and unsatisfactory-ness became obvious. So I (it) just had to start again.
Not really suffering. But an confusion / irritation / curiosness / WTF-ness.
Nothing will ever satisfy, right?
Don't know how or for what result, but I can't let this be.

No return. I doubt it's possible to quit permanently after you've taken up this practice it runs it self in a way and push you back in when you take a break , long or short, doesn't matter. At one point there is a trigger and your on the cushion again. Good luck! Looking forward to hear what unfolds for you.

Yep JYET, no return.

Practice nowadays:
40-60 mins in the evening.
Just following breath as a starter is annoying so instead:
Noting silently, then noticing, then (if things becomes still) Shinzen-style "do nothing". Mix in anapanasati to deepen concentration when it seems fun.
If I start to get involved in stuff, I start over again with noting to cut loose.

In the end of the sessions it gets very arupa, with some PL moments if I get my head above the blurryness.

I have got homework to do'¦

1) Do the jhanic arc, up and down.
2) Practice 2:nd gear.


Starting Tuesday, the jhanic arc was very weak, I mostly floated around like an unfocused space-head.
The reason was obvious: I do not squat enough, so I went to the gym too lift...

Wednesday went better:
Up to PL-jhana, even if the states was not very deep.
Then instead of quitting I went downwards again.
Funnily enough it was easier to distinguish the states downwards this time. Normally it is the other way around.

Thursday I did two rounds up and down. Less "forcing" it and more letting it happen.
Slightly more defined states than Wednesday. Squatting helps!
Also this time downward states was more distinct.

2:nd gear has become natural to do anyway so I just continue .

Who did you get your homework from? Sounds great by the way! No avoidance of the squat, a sign of a serious yogi

My homework is from Kenneth, in my first skype-session with him since last summer.

Still doing homework.

Saturday session was lousy so we forget that.

Sunday was more interesting.
Up and down the arc two times.
The second round the jhanas came more spontaneous and the shifts were faster and more forceful.
I also see a pattern now that the way down is more distinct than the way up. I cannot confirm yet.

Some interesting observations I want to explore more:

1) To get the first jhana It seems more reliable to focus on the panoramic field of vision. It is more restful and joy/bliss-inducing than watching the breath.

2) When watching that panoramic field of vision.
Then watching the also panoramic field of "sense of the body" (touch, pain, pressure etc..)
I appears to me that the are made of the same "stuff". They are the same.
It is also like I could merge them into one single field. (Not totally)
Hearing still stick out as "different" than those, but it could be because I don't focus much on hearing during practice.

Another session with weak jhanas. (Monday was better.)
I was just sitting dreaming most of the time. (1h)
It did however end with a fruition. The first in maybe 2 weeks.

In one of the PL-jhana sessions I started to feel "chakra-sensations".
They started by themselves in the root -chakra, and I could trigger/trace them up to third-eye where it intensified.
(I have never done any chakra-practice at all before)

I have also after that tried to watch the chakra points while meditating and that got me into a more PL-like state.
There seems to be some connection.

Third gear has never made sense to me.
Surrender? What? How?

After a session with Kenneth it seems like it is a matter of no-manipulation.
Like the "just sitting" or Shinzen's "do-nothing" that I practice sometimes.
Vipassana without choosing or directing or filtering.

But I suspect I still do not get the whole third gear picture.

After reading a post of yours, I started doing Shinzen's "Do Nothing". I ran headlong into my mind's refusal to believe that there is nothing for it to "do" when presented with a completely open choice. My mind insists on picking a direction just for the sake of picking a direction. Every now and then, though, it forgets to. I think that's all 3rd Gear is- forgetting to choose. Somehow we do get better at it through some strange kind of learning, but I don't know how that's possible, since any whisper of an "intention" just shuts it down instantly.

A lousy week or two, felt bad in various ways. Can't even remember the details how practice went. Precedeed by a week or so with high energy, of course.
Yesterday 1 h sit in different high jhanas, then a fruition.
Today, feel terrific.

Third gear.
Either I have understood it for a long time, or I do not get it at all.

So now I'm in some kind of review phase again.
They go like this:

I sit down in the evening a bit tired and close my eyes.
(Normally, pre-A&P, I shold fall asleep now...)
When I incline my attention in a certain way the vipassana machinery starts and don't stop until the fruition 20-30 mins later.
I don't do anything except allowing it.
Further practice that day seems meaningless.

Review became A&P then dissolution then DN now maybe EQ...

Kenneth is not giving up his attempts to get me into Mahamudra Noting...
So the last week I have used it as the primary on-the-cushion practice.
And it is very powerful.
The "listening" insted of feeling the breath brings up stuff in a different way and the state shifts are more forceful.
I will play with it some more.