Yadid's re-ignited practice

So I noticed that since I started meditating in 2006, I have these cycles.
The cycles go like this: I cross A&P, get really, really motivated about practice, and then after a few months it fades, I start sitting less, until I stop sitting completely for a couple months, repeat.

So I re-started by practice after a 3/4 month period of less-practicing.

Usually, it takes me about 2/3 days on retreat to cross A&P (when Im starting again from no-practice time).
This time, it took 8 hours sitting a one day Saturday retreat, this was last week.
I sat for about 6 hours by myself yesterday, and by the end of the day I was in deep dark night territory, feeling exhausted, negative and so on,
atleast I managed not to take this out on my girlfriend, and telling her that I'm just not feeling the best at the moment.

This morning I sat for an hour before work and I think I crossed into Equanimity after some Re-observation tough vibrations.
I did this by really trying to be precise, noting all the background negativities, frustrations, fears, etc.

I'm going to try to get first path during daily life now, because I wont have time for a retreat soon, as I started a new job a few weeks ago.
My goal is to sit an hour before work, 20/30mins on lunch break, and an hour or two after work,
while trying to get as many weekend 8-hour retreats (those are nice), as I can.

Regardless of these practice/no-practice cycles I have observed, I am going to genuinely give this my best efforts and try and get stream-entry by practicing daily - deeply, unrelentlessly, calmly and consistently.

Hi Yadid. Great to see you posting again. Best of luck with your practice!
I'm looking forward to reading more of your posts.

Thanks Joel

Community support is highly valuable.

Hey Yadid,

If you regularly find yourself drifting away from practice (and I sympathise - I ditched meditating for 18 months only to have it find me again in August 2010) it might be a good idea to set some more manageable goals. 3hrs + a day is an awful lot, and with new things in your daily life it might prove difficult to keep up. I have found 2 hrs doable, with the right committment, and hitting that target each day is immensely rewarding. By all means do more if you think you can, but part of the difficulty I find is that if you don't meet your target one day, then the next day you feel less inclined to do so, and then you skip days, stop practicing and so on. But once you get a good run going - especially if you mark the chain on a calendar, in your practice journal or using an app on your phone (I use Meditation Helper for Android which does the job wonderfully) - then you really have the motivation to keep at it. And starting with a manageable daily goal really helps.

Also, having just plowed through the DN myself and am bearing clinging on to the otherside, if you can talk to your other half about it, then do. My girlfriend doesn't meditate, but she is supportive and telling her even the bare bones of what the Dark Night is and where I'm trying to get to, makes it easier for her to understand the slightly strained and exhausted look on my face after some sits. Balancing the DN with other practices, particularly metta practice, Mahamudra noting and shamatha also helped me, as did walking, exercise of various kinds, Qigong and so on.

Just my two penneth, as another slightly fickle yogi!

Good luck with the restart. The fact that you keep coming back means you're stuck with us now

Welcome back, Yadid!

Question, in agreement with Andy: Is it possible that if you set goals that are so hard to fulfill rather than being challenging they actually cause disappointment when you (inevitably) can't achieve them, so you stop trying?

Hi Andy,
Thanks for your advice.

I find that my ditching practice doesn't happen due to setting too-high goals. I am happy with whatever meditation I can get, and this time I haven't really set any goals in stone, its just that I feel very inclined to meditate now - formally, or wherever I find myself.
My ditching practice seems to be involved with just slacking - A slack slack here, a slack slack there, and woop, back to old destructive habits. But its ok, this time around I'm much more accepting towards myself.

And I also use Insight Timer for Android (that gongy one?) - but only as a timer.

My girlfriend gets spooked when I tell her the details of Insight practice, and it doesn't help. I find it better to just say that I'm not feeling well, and its ok if I say its just a phase in my practice, but if I start going on about how I just went through the A&P, plunging through the Dark Night trying to get the first stage of enlightenment, she gets scared

Anyway, your advice is great, and I will try tonight to just sit an hour, rather than the two I had planned, and do some excersize in the other hour.

"Question, in agreement with Andy: Is it possible that if you set goals that are so hard to fulfill rather than being challenging they actually cause disappointment when you (inevitably) can't achieve them, so you stop trying?

"

Hi Chris,

Thanks for your post

It may be a contributing factor, but I dont think its the main issue, as I don't set myself really high goals in stone, I am now much more inclinced to meditate - and so I do it alot, rather than saying 'I will meditate for 3 hours a day', its more like, 'I feel like meditating more now.".

The main issue seems to be when I start getting back to old habits like maybe drinking and smoking, then it eventually leads to the disappearing of practice for a while.

In anycase, there is probably something in what you both are pointing to, and in that spirit, I will try tonight to balance out some other good things rather than just meditate and go to bed before another work day.

Yeah, cool. I find that I'm much happier meditating a little less and enjoying other things, too. I also get less crap from my wife and kids

Another point of view: A devil's advocate side of me says, well, I am pre-path and getting First-path is arguably a very important goal in one's practice,
which kind of requires more effort, doesn't it?

Anyway, this time around, especially today, I am noticing that I can note pretty subtle stuff while going about my business, and so that definitely also helps with the momentum - while I'm typing away at work, doing the dishes, or doing some excercise.

"My girlfriend gets spooked when I tell her the details of Insight practice, and it doesn't help. I find it better to just say that I'm not feeling well, and its ok if I say its just a phase in my practice, but if I start going on about how I just went through the A&P, plunging through the Dark Night trying to get the first stage of enlightenment, she gets scared "

Yeah, that's kinda what I meant. My girlfriend is probably more tolerant than most, and I certainly don't talk about nyanas with my regular friends. But letting people know that you're going through a rough patch is certainly helpful if it starts to bleed through to other things.

And definitely - go with what you have. If there is energy and motivation then use it. The tricky thing is getting going when that energy and motivation is a long, long way away, and that's where sheer force of habit and routine really helps.

Anyway, congrats again on coming back, and very best wishes for your practice.

Thanks, Andy.

In that spirit, I did an hour of strength excersizes and then an hour of sitting last night, dropped off in Re-ob and noted some negativites as I awoke several times during the night aswell.
Same thing this morning.

I am getting more into the habit of just noting wherever I find myself, and not just when I sit.

Lovely time.
Noted and remained aware of awareness most of the day. Still need some refining as to when to give more attention to detail (work), and when to give more attention to the process, but all in all, I am feeling a great improvement in my ability and willingness to practice through all conditions.

The evening sit felt very deep, seeing selfing and sensations arise and pass, towards the end, mental sounds and images which seem to "grab" the mind into embeddedness, but I was able to see through them pretty quickly most of the time by noting, probably due to the momentum I had built during the day.

Morning sit , reaching Equanimity - spacious, mental formations which again seem to have a stronger tendency to "Grab" the mind into stickyness, easier to note these now, which I attribute to a stronger level of mindfulness / noting during the day.
Gonna try and sit 2.5 hours at the Goenka house across my workplace this evening.

I find myself overly joyous and happy for some reason.
I am also feeling very sick, and I seem to have a fever.
As usual, this fever is accompanied by strong sensations all over the body, this is causing my awareness of the body to be easier and continuous, which in turn is leading to me being happy, or so I speculate.

Nice 2.5 hours of practice after work today,
hanging out in high equanimity and dosing off many times, repeat.

"Gonna try and sit 2.5 hours at the Goenka house across my workplace this evening.
"

Ah--fortuitous to have a Goenka center right across from your job. I flat love that!

"Ah--fortuitous to have a Goenka center right across from your job. I flat love that!
"

I flat love it too
Its actually not a centre (as this is central Tel-Aviv), but a flat they rent and they hold 3 daily sittings and weekend sittings there.
Its nice indeed, and is a 5 minute bike ride from home.

I could see the clear progression through the nyanas this morning:
Settling in through some minor aches and pains: first three nyanas.
Fun and relaxtion, easy to see formations, fooling me that im in equanimity: A&P
Harsh vibrations throughout the body: Dark Night (not seperating these into the various nyanas)
And then it all becomes easier to see through: Equanimity.
Then I start really trying to pick apart whatever is missing - all these various sensations read as self.

During my day-to-day , if I find myself suffering, I ask : who is suffering? this really brings about a sense of wonder and immediacy to life that helps make it more fun.

Hanging out in the dark night at work.

The Dark Night is a teacher. The lessons are screaming out: SUFFERING - MUST - BE - ATTENDED - TO.
You must attend to it! Look at it! Investigate it! Because turning away hurts more.

^ it tells me.

Dark night still, very harsh day yesterday but made every attempt to note while this **** was arising.
Scratching equanimity in morning and evening sits.
Weekend has come around again, I'm gonna go to sit an 8-hour day at the Goenka house on saturday if all goes well, note to self: bring ear plugs.

"Dark night still, very harsh day yesterday but made every attempt to note while this **** was arising.
Scratching equanimity in morning and evening sits.
Weekend has come around again, I'm gonna go to sit an 8-hour day at the Goenka house on saturday if all goes well, note to self: bring ear plugs."

Awesome reports, Yadid!

"Awesome reports, Yadid! "

Thanks.
I left out that today during the day I had a lovely time. This is usually the same for me: a sense of wonder with mere sentience, feeling the energy of the body is wonderful, and I feel happy, trying to note this aswell as to not get attached to positive states, but still enjoy them.

"Awesome reports, Yadid! "

Seconded!

Go Yadid!

I try to note all day nowadays, when its possible, which is alot.

So I was sitting in a restaurant yesterday and I crossed the A&P while talking to my mom.. suddenly I felt a rush of happiness, delight and amazement at sentience.. fun stuff.
continued noting and then got home and had a sitting.
there was this 'new' object which I have never encountered before, some kind of dark hole I felt I was about to plunge into, hah. anyway, nothing happened, and i guess my mind wants to make it into something special.
practice as usual

I used to get discouraged if I would have some difficult encounter, lets say an argument, before I had to sit.
Yesterday and today I Just sat despite it all, and it is great.


Feeling very calm in the past day and a half, even in hard occasions, noting whenever I can, sitting and trying to go deep, I am truly grateful for the practice.