Yadid's re-ignited practice

"I try to note all day nowadays, when its possible, which is alot."

Nice work. I need to learn from this. I've been noting more, but all day feels like an impossible task to me right now. Will try harder.

Yea, there's something which seems very important to me now about noting in all situations, off the cushion, when possible (which is most of the time I think).
", but all day feels like an impossible task to me right now" - Andy:
You don't have to do it all day, start by making a resolution to note when your bell rings to get up from the cushion.
Then, whenever you remember, you will get a mental reminder and will then note that, and it keeps going from there.

There's something beautiful about working for enlightenment while having a job, relationships, etc, and practicing intensely while doing that.
I remember Jack Kornfield wrote how he had to integrate his whole emotional life when disrobing and going back to the U.S, after he was a monk for 5 years. After all that practice time, he surely had attained some pretty high attainments, but during that time he didn't encounter the stuff one encounters in daily life.
So practicing intensely AND living a householder's life, allows one to see through much **** which otherwise would not arise if we were in the 'clean' conditions of retreat or monkhood.

~8 hours sitting at the goenka house today, mostly equanimity, with occasional drops into the all familiar dark night vibrations, though they don't seem to have the sting they used to, I simply dive into those harsh sensations and note, and it passes.

low-equanimity makes me drop, kind of like falling asleep for seconds, but then high-equanimity is much more focused, no path yet.

Good to see you back here, Yadid.

Thanks Nadav

continuing today's log:
sat for another 2 hours, first hour seemed like bordering on equanimity or something, second hour was confusing as hell
at first, my awareness became expanded like a jhanic state, and then had these terrible vibrations which I have had a few times before during very concentrated sits, and I also remember these exact type of vibrations from dreams when I was a child.
Now dark-nightish, I think I'm gonna call it a day.

I had a nice day, sat for an hour in the morning,
didn't feel like sitting in the evening, but did so anyway, still in high equanimity.
caught a quick chat with Kenneth today, and he said that its possible that I have gotten stream-entry already by the sound of it,
which does somehow make sense to me, as I have been experiencing more happiness which I have not experienced before, when I direct my attention to the sensations of the body, such as the face, and tongue, there is much freedom in seeing directly sensations which imply self as no-self.

anyway, stream-entry or not, nothing seems worth it other than complete freedom so.. lets keep going.
two questions suggested to me, reminder:
'Why do I think I am here?'
'Is it even possible to meditate?'

still feeling the self is less sticky / thinned out,
trying to practice all day since it seems like there is no way out, no tommorow to practice, no later to meditate, no other time to see through the illusions, so I just do it whenever I can.

I noticed that in moments which I see through the self / it is much less sticky - people's eyes look different, when I do not react to them mentally, they seem.. 'emptier'.

off to my evening sit

"caught a quick chat with Kenneth today, and he said that its possible that I have gotten stream-entry already by the sound of it, which does somehow make sense to me, as I have been experiencing more happiness which I have not experienced before, when I direct my attention to the sensations of the body, such as the face, and tongue, there is much freedom in seeing directly sensations which imply self as no-self.

anyway, stream-entry or not, nothing seems worth it other than complete freedom so.. lets keep going.
"

Awesome, congratulations!

Awesome reports! It definitely sounds like you have an extremely clear intent to be present and awake and it is really bringing depth and momentum! Inspiring

"Awesome reports! It definitely sounds like you have an extremely clear intent to be present and awake and it is really bringing depth and momentum! Inspiring "

Ditto!

"Awesome, congratulations!"

Thanks
I'm still gonna err on the side of caution and say that I haven't gotten stream-entry,
so that if I didnt - I don't lose momentum
so that if I did - I will continue and not rest my laurels.

"'m still gonna err on the side of caution and say that I haven't gotten stream-entry,
so that if I didnt - I don't lose momentum
so that if I did - I will continue and not rest my laurels."

I got given some very valuable advice along these lines.

In the US of A, they play baseball a lot. Kids are taught when they are young playing in little league that when they hit the ball, they should run as fast as they can towards 1st base and not slow down at all even upon passing and touching the base.

If one slows down before the plate, one's speed is very slow upon touching it and one will come to a quick stand still sooner. But if one keeps the fast pace going even after arriving at the plate, there will be no premature slowing down of one's running.

This was given to me in the case of my own practice and certain shifts. Now even though a shift may occur, it is just a passing plate and I do not intend to slow down just because I touched it.

Thanks, Nick.
It seems to be the correct guidance for me now, as I notice how the current situation i'm in is still unsatisfactory, so to speak.

Update:
Yesterday evening went to practice while supermarket shopping, got home tired, irritated, sat for an hour, fell asleep at end.
Sat for an hour this morning - dark night **** , noted the hell out of it.
Now at work, working and noting stuff, from time to time self becomes less-sticky, brings happiness, noting happiness, moving on.
There is an attachment towards this freeing less-sticky-self perspective, and it is also dukkha.

Whenever the desire to go sit/meditate/get enlightened arises, I laugh at it internally, and continue practicing.. illusions illusions.

Positive things:
My resolution to continue my practice into all aspects of the day is paying off, as I feel less compelled to argue / have MY way, or atleast having an intent to renounce it when possible, helps with my relationship with the girlfriend.

I'm not sure if I just had a fruition or an A&P but I was sitting here on my desk at the office and suddenly I saw anatta and was relieved (felt there is no one inside the body), filled with happiness (of the calm kind, no gung-honess).
Hmmm... Something's going on.
Oh well, back to work.

"I remember Jack Kornfield wrote how he had to integrate his whole emotional life when disrobing and going back to the U.S, after he was a monk for 5 years. After all that practice time, he surely had attained some pretty high attainments, but during that time he didn't encounter the stuff one encounters in daily life.
So practicing intensely AND living a householder's life, allows one to see through much **** which otherwise would not arise if we were in the 'clean' conditions of retreat or monkhood."

The latest Buddhist geeks podcast has a nun ' Martine Batchelor ' talking about this subject.

Stephen: Cool, I'll check it out.

Still not calling stream-entry, as I'm just not sure enough to decide, and it doesn't matter that much, except for my ego which strongly wants it.
Anywho - I notice myself blinking much more (I dont think that Im blinking more, but I notice it alot more).
Sat for an hour this morning and 1.5 hours in the evening, DN and equanimity, not sure exactly when and where.

"caught a quick chat with Kenneth today, and he said that its possible that I have gotten stream-entry already by the sound of it,"

Care to share what exactly the "sound of it" was that cued Kenneth to suggest possible stream entry?

sure thing Daniel, though please bear in mind I am still calling this a possible maybe and not ruling out that I have not got it yet.

Sound of it = practicing intensly for 3 weeks, crossed A&P once after the first 8 hours sitting which was preceded by no practicing for a few months. another 6 hours retreat next weekend,
Two weeks later, another A&P, this one stronger (Kenneth reckoned it may have been A&P of 2nd path - meh, who knows), did another 8 hour day retreat and had some discontinuity moments, which could possibly be fruitions, but they were NOT followed by any bliss so I am leaning towards thinking that they were actually just spacing out or whatever.
Plus I have had some very beautiful happy days feeling 'emptier' (that there is no one in there just sensations) around the same weekend.
I'm not sure what, but I started looking at the sensations of Self as Nick did when he got stream-entry - the sensations of the eyes, the tongue, the face + the images and thoughts of I, etc, and it somehow did something to my mind, although I feel that this perspective (of seeing no self) visits me from time to time but I do not see it all the time.

I dunno man, I could be fooling myself easily! (and I think about that often). But I am just laying out my thoughts and experiences as they are, as later they will become clearer.

Still practicing daily, and did a short 6 hour home retreat yesterday.
Back to work today - DN 'want to renounce the world and go on retreat' feelings, lots of them.
trying to note and stuff.. meh.

Despair, lack of energy, heavyness, day dream, day dream..

DN dissipated and opened up to a new spacious panoramous equanimity in the afternoon, starting with noticing the sensations of the face, then later on in the evening sitting.

Morning's sitting full of tiredness, i'd say about 50% of the sitting i was deeply noticing, the rest I was in day dreams.

"DN dissipated and opened up to a new spacious panoramous equanimity in the afternoon, starting with noticing the sensations of the face, then later on in the evening sitting.

Morning's sitting full of tiredness, i'd say about 50% of the sitting i was deeply noticing, the rest I was in day dreams."

Relentless balanced investigating momentum spirit!!! Heeya!

DN-feelings again, wanting to quit my new job (1 month in), and just work from home as I have before, sitting all day the rest of the time,
but I had made a resolution not to make such decisions while in the dark night, so I'm just letting these thoughts fly by at the moment, seeing the present moment sensations.

Your practice and reports are awesome, Yadid. Way to go!

"Two weeks later, another A&P, this one stronger (Kenneth reckoned it may have been A&P of 2nd path - meh, who knows), "

I would say when I hit A&P in 2008, it was way stronger than in 2001, like exponentially stronger. When, I hit EQ after that 2008 A&P, it was way more concious and full than EQ after the first A&P. I have had some suspicions that it was a different path, but don't have anything else to go off of. Mapping can be tricky. At any rate, enjoy the ride.