Giulio B. practice thread

Hello! I'm a student from Italy, male, 25 years old.
My previous practice experience is zero, and due to back-pain i lye on a fitness mat or sit on a couch.

I begun four days ago by noting aloud each of the four foundations of mindfulness, one per day, as recommended by KF. Here's is how the four appointments went.

1st day - body sensations:

Setting: Night, 40 minutes, lied on the fitness mat.

How it went: I first counted ten breaths for three times. Lost the count a few times, didn't get any more concentrated than before. Then i started to note bare body sensations at a speed of approximately one every 1-2 seconds. Every sort of negative feeling arose, among them: "i'm doing wrong" and "this is useless". I reached a state where i felt that the noting was flowing a little better for two times, and they lasted a few seconds. At the end, i was unsatisfied.

Used vocables: Touch, pressure, hard, listening, seeing, numb, tickling, tension, blowing, deflating, soft, pain, cough, dry, wet, release, mouth (general sensations), stomach (general abdominal sensations).
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2nd day - feeling tone associated to body sensations:

Setting: Night, 35 minutes, lied on the fitness mat.

How it went: Counted breath for a few minutes, maybe a little better than the previous time. For the rest a disaster. "neutral" notes were about the 80%, "unpleasant" 18%, "pleasant " around 2%. I hated to note "neutral" to every car or people-talking-on-the-road sound i heard. When, for example, a picture of Kenneth Folk appeared, i thought "damn i can't note this, i have to note the body feelings" and so thought jumped to my numb feet. Then I was uncertain whether to note it as neutral or unpleasant, so sometimes i went for neutral and sometimes for unpleasant. I thought that was silly and useless. Then, i noted the picture of the ceiling i sometimes gazed to. Sometimes neutral, sometimes unpleasant (because it was dark and i was alone). I was damn confused about everything. I sometimes wanted to concentrate on the breath, but it wasn't this day's job.

Used vocables: Pleasant, neutral, unpleasant.

3rd day - mind states:

Setting: Night, 30 minutes, lied on the mat

How it went: Began with 1-to-10 counting once, then broke balls and started noting. Very scarce noting. On average one every 7 seconds. Constant doubts about whether this or that state would fit in the so called "third foundation of mindfulness" category or not. So i was constantly: "should i note it?". I wondered about the distinction between the last three foundations of mindfulness. My noting was paralyzed in some way, thinking "is this a mind state, or a mind state's content? and what the hell this distinction would mean anyway?". At the end, though, i was strangely less unsatisfied than the previous two appointments.

Used vocables: Happiness, unhappiness, worry, fear, frenzy, hate, anger, envy, desire, need of affirmation, aversion, judgment, guilt, frustration.
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4th day - mind states' content:

Setting: Night, 40 minutes, lied on the mat.

How it went: Began with counting 1-to10 for three times. It worsened my concentration state lol. Again very scarce noting. The only notes i could come up, that weren't surely part of the third foundation, were pictures and verbal thoughts. Exactly like that, i only noted pictures, and thoughts that had a verbal unfolding. I don't remember anything else.

Used vocables: Image, Thought, planning thought, Frenzy (despite having used it the previous day - i was bursting in anger), auto (said that when basically i was thinking about the act of noting itself), self-recrimination.
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Now, torture ended, starting from this evening on i plan on noting aloud anything that crosses my eye balls without limitations (anyway, i'd love to hear comments and objections!)

I didn't do any practice for exactly eight days (formal or informal, moral included). Reason: Immediate satisfaction of endless little desires, which time took the place of meditation time. An example of this activities would be staying at the computer at night for futile reasons.

This night i was able to re-start with 10 minutes, and they went great. The technique that i used was noting aloud in absolute freedom, that is without limitations regarding the typology and content of the phenomena. I noted everything i could, brakeless, spacing from physical sensation and sensate impressions to auto-referred thoughts. Resistance mixed boredom and 'not wanting to do it' came at points, but i noted 'resistance'. Very nice! I'm more motivated now.

I'm sorry, and there will be no more gaps as for daily practice!

Welcome to the KFD board, Guilio. Seems you are starting out well. These kinds of breaks are what happens in the beginning. Just keep going.
If i could ask, what is your motivation for wanting to start a meditation practice. I'm not asking you to defend yourself, mind you, just so we can perhaps help you better.

You seem to have grasped the four foundations pretty well, from the kinds of things you note. For me, mindfulness of thoughts has always been the hardest of them. Perhaps someone else has advice on that one.

From thursday i had exactly one apponitment of meditation, this evening excluded. It was late night and i was agitated. My plan was to do 40 minutes but i interrupted at 20 minutes and went to bed, and that pretty much describes the experience lol.

My life is a mess, and i don't know if it would be of much use for me to write again these report until i'm fully settled with my daily routine.
I made a step yesterday, by not turning on the pc after dinner. Nice wake-up timing this morning.Now after i finish with this report i'm going to shut everything down and do some kind of practice (it's still around 21.30 here in Italy).

I'm going to sell my brand new-shining Samsung Galaxy Nexus on ebay, because it has too much addictive games, stuff and it sucks my time up for what regards practice and study. I'm also be going to cut expences for useless needs (say, i was ready to buy an eletric helicopter a few days ago), and save money to buy a house. I'm in a process of reducing my presence in the internet, as it too sucks time and energy up. In brief my will is to discipline my life, reduce stresses and distractions, care more for my health, and clean up space for meditation and study.

"
Welcome to the KFD board, Guilio. Seems you are starting out well. These kinds of breaks are what happens in the beginning. Just keep going.
If i could ask, what is your motivation for wanting to start a meditation practice. I'm not asking you to defend yourself, mind you, just so we can perhaps help you better.

You seem to have grasped the four foundations pretty well, from the kinds of things you note. For me, mindfulness of thoughts has always been the hardest of them. Perhaps someone else has advice on that one."

Hi! The end of suffering comes in mind. I don't want anything less. In the short term, to gain motivation to practice. In the medium term to gain strong motivation, with some results in terms of self-knowledge.
I'ts been years that i've been seeking for some kind of unconditioned state of being.

Under a clinical point of view, i say of myself that i'm a Strong (i've been labeled with) Avoidant Personality and a Narcissistic Personality. This describes very well and very accurately how i am: www1.appstate.edu/~hillrw/Narcissism/shycovertnarcissist.html

Further intervention (from anybody) for whatever reason, is always appreciated. Hopefully i'll be going to fix my daily routine and begin to report about conentration and wisdom soon. My I ask what you meant with "to defend yourself"?

The reason i wrote "to defend yourself" was, I was unsure if my question might be taken as a challenge to your being here "rightfully".
Anyways, i think it might be a good idea to report your practice before your daily routine is settled. For me, at least, the report-writing has sometimes helped me keep up the meditation. That might not apply to you, of course.

Thanks villum!

This evening i've done 20 minutes of concentration through a kasina, and 20 minutes of noting aloud. I always used the abdomen as an object before, but this time i wanted to try something new.

For the kasina, i chose the candle flame, switched off the lights and started to concentrate on its shape. In the immediate i started to feel calmer. I felt returning my attention to the shape as a clear (yet a little painful) exercize. Then slowly a flux of negative feelings came greeting. The most frequent worry, self-loathing, and the usual negative thought patterns. Then a little back pain came by and there i had difficulties to stay attentive on the shape oh the flame. This because it triggers negative stuff. Its the emotions that bother not the pain itself. I think i have space to improve.

Then moved on the couch and started noting aloud. Very fast at the beginning. I was excited at traits (noted 3-5 times "grandiosity"). Even very near thoughs were noted at times. My vocabulary has been, i think revolving around the words "touch hearing seeing thought sensation judgment worry self-loathing". After 2 or 3 minutes i started slowing down. If the previous speed could have been 1 to 1.5 Hertz, then it dropped by more than half as an average, with a few moments of more intensity and a few moments where i was lost in stories and then came back. These last ones weren't longer than a few seconds to 30 seconds around. Back pain again, and negative feelings associated. I was surprized for all the session how around 90-95% of the phenomena pertaining to the 2,3,4 foundations were negative.

Next apponintment next evening. Same exact modalities, without a change. After exactly three other appointments or evenings, if i will be mature enought not to skip or cut one, i'm going to double them adding one in the morning.

As you've experienced, kasina (and candle flame is a good one) can be a really nice way to boost your concentration. I don't think you need to turn out the lights, as long as there are no strong distracting elements in your visual field. I suspect turning out the lights would make the kasina practice harder on the eyes.

20 kasina and 20 noting aloud. Began at 22.05, a little later than usual and a little agitated. Turned lights mildly on, but i still felt some eye-fatigue. Because of it at times i directed the point of focus near the tip of the flame where there is less light produced. Next time i should try with still higher luminosity. I wasn't able to settle and i was generally less attentive, and maybe concentrated on the object than the previous time. I deduct this from the fact that mind-workings were less evident, and feelings appeared with less frequency. Not because of concentration but because of being lost in thought (probably). One thing that puzzled me is that the flame didn't move at all. It Seemed painted.

The noting has been exactly like the previous time. Fast the first 2-3 minutes, then gradually and progressively slowed down. I attribute the slowing down mostly to sleepiness, that has kicked in quite hard... at the end i remember of having even dreamt about noting lol. And a couple of times. Like i woke up saying "touched touched touch touch"...

I'm reading the last two lines of my previous post in this thread, and i see a certain hardness with regards to myself. Like i must be disciplined and be punished if i misbehave. I suppose this is what remained of some of my past experience in Zen, mixed with my peculiar self-harsh psychology. I think i should be more libertarian for what concerns practice.

Brief report... 20 kasina - 20 noting aloud - 20 kasina.
started at 22 and ended at 23 around.

the two concentration periods have gone more or less like the previous, with the exception that this time i felt an unusual self-confidence at times. The object was always the shape of the candle flame. I don't dislike it... oh, this time i switched on the lights consistently, and had no more significant eye-fatigue.

The noting has been different in this: this time i didn't try to note furiously picking up the first word that came, even if inappropiate; instead i let the whole thing be more calm, without hurry to note, and i took a little more time to figure out what the experience were in order to find the right words for them. I think that i got nearer to what KF calls "detailed noting". My vocabolary expanded a little with this session.

I'm beginning to consider some kind of pre-practice before i start the formal meditation session... for example, after dinner i often have a shower, and then meditation... i thought it could be useful to start some kind of practice right there in the bathroom... it is something i have to study though, i'm not sure of what to do right now.

The next appointment is on the next evening.

Getting into the right mindset before starting meditation can surely help. I don't know what would work for you and be doable in the shower. While it is not much used here, some traditions use chanting a lot, and that might be of use. One simple thing you might start out with is trying to maintain full-body awareness during your shower, taking a positive and kind attitude towards the practice. It won't be perfect, but it will improve with time.

How about putting the shower to it's coldest setting and noting mindstates

Ty both. (my pick is a general awareness from inside the bathroom to the candle-staring seat). Mumw that is something i'm seriously taking in consideration (under the right conditions). It is a well-know practice to break strong feeling patterns, that won't otherwise break even if dive bombed (at least in Italy).

The second most recent practice to report is the one made friday night. 20 kasina + 20 loud noting. I was already late and enough agitated. I made the mistake to put the candle near/above a heater, and from the start the whole thing looked more like a flame-thrower than candle. Lesson learned. The noting sucked in an incredible way. First minutes ok, then i was completely blocked. Lots of frustration, doubt, wanting to escape. I have gone quarter-heartedly trough the end when the alarm rang.

Saturday i didn't do anything.

Today, sunday, i was late but decided to do it the same. I was to lazy to do something before the formal practice, so skipped to the kasina. Kasina was only 5 minutes, so i switched the lights off completely. It got me calmer. Then noted aloud for 20 mins. Started good, as usual for a few minutes. Then began to slow down while at the same time strong doubts and frustration arised. Everything i could was noted. Then i stopped to note aloud, and instead kept it silent. Lots of frustration again (atm comes in mind the phrase "poor self-efficacy"). Then, i started again noting aloud and clear. Decise. It was effective, i re-started noting well. I was sure of myself (noted of course, in some way). Then the alarm rang, and i continued noting aloud my boding-getting-up movements for a minute.

25 minutes noting before dinner. Good the first 7-10 minutes. Then progressively horrible, i probably fell asleep at the end. I wasn't sleep-deprived in any way.

Re-started yesterday. Did first, while hit by a mystical aegis, 30 mins in the afternoon divided by 15 candle + 15 loud noting. Both sucked. Couldn't concentrate a bit, and i couldn't note for some reason. It might be anxiety, i don't know.

Then in the evening i decided to switch to silent "aggressive" noting (why: because i just read in MCTB that anything that hindered the noting deserved more aggressive noting), following the usual canlde-flame concentrartion. Again both sucked so much...

Now i have broken balls, as usual, of picking this or that technique, switching, wondering, etc. . My intention would be to contact a teacher, i already have three names (those KF lists as accepting students), but before i want to settle in a regular schedule for two weeks.

So the plan is: do SOMETHING at the evening and morning, at the same times, for two weeks and then contact a teacher.

Edit:
for what concerns the plan, here is the version i came up with. It's called "Sayadaw 0"

What i have in mind is to re-start completely, using, for two weeks, ONLY "Practical insight meditation" as the manual and forget everything else (Daniel, Kenneth, Ron etc.)

Med. begins at 22.15 and at 8.00. The first 4 days 15 minutes, increased by 5 minutes every further multiple, until reaching 30 minutes. Every session is done in set-apart clothes, on the cross - legged on the couch.

Even if the whole thing will end up as being a 2-weeks sleep and madness trip, i give it a try. I fear not to be strong enough to go through the end without changing anything though, but i give it a try.

It ends saturday 25 february.

(thanks for reading...)

Done yesterday 15 minutes. This morning skipped (righteously), this evening done 15 minutes. They went very much alike. As i said i dropped the kasina and everything else i read outside of Mahasi's "practical insight meditation". I was also able to find the perfect posture, to my back issues, that consents me to stay without much effort, very limited pain in a comfortable upright position.

Started with noting the movement it took to get from normal sitting to cross-legged sitting on the couch. So, "take down", when i was taking down the arm; "grab" when the feet was grabbed; "take up" when the feet was taken up helped by the arm and some "intention" in between. Notes while setting up the posture have also been "touch, hear, thought". Started noting the up and downs of the breath. Then tried to note whenever i recognized the psychological place the attention posed itself. Lots of "touch", "hear", "thought", "judgment" and the more general "feel". Some "see", "picture", "tingling", "itching", "cold", "prop (short for proprioception)" "pressure" etc.

A note. In the past reports i used to say things as "it sucked" "good" "bad" "i like it" and such stuff. Althought i could have used them now, too, for some reason i don't feel like it. I might feel more self-confident or whatever, but this kind of state is gonna fly away in no time so it doesn't matter.

Skipped yesterday morning, done both last night and this morning. Although i was late on both, it's the first time i manage to practice in the morning so it's going good. Continuing to build discipline. I realize after this warm-up i'll probably have to dive in massive practice (not fun).

I have a problem with willpower in general, sleep patterns, and in particular getting up early in the morning. Last night i've done 1.00 am - 8.00 am, the ideal would be 23.15 - 6.30. It's what i'll try this night.

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Meditation part

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Did 15 minutes yesterday night. Always late, but at least i do it. I don't feel like reporting the feelings, what happened etc. because it's more or less all the same story as two posts ago...

This morning skipped due to not getting up in time, going to do it after lunch.

Since it's the fifth day the time is going to be 20 minutes instead of 15. I'm going to add a new section of my post...

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Hindrances (moral) part

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1) Sleep times: the objective for This Night is to switch off lights at around 23.30, and getting up at 7.15. For what concerns the last sleep-time commitment i failed/forgot...

Setting: Had a break of three days. Begun again with Mahasi Noting yesterday evening at 22.30, 25 mins. Again this morning, 25 min at 8.00.

How they went:
They went pretty much as doing nothing can go.
Noting were scarce, i began silent then realized i was drowsy, and switched to loud, then silent again. Couldn't do the prep-stage Mahasi tells (ex. when you sit, pay attention and note your moving intentions, leg movements, etc.), because the resistance was too high. Didn't do any concentration exercize before. I know i had to use breath as an anchor, but i forgot completely (didn't pay attention to it). I could note, on the fastest times (say 10% of sitting time) around 1 note every second. At normal times (50-70%) 1 note every 2-5 seconds. There there have been periods of not-noting, not aware of anything, that lasted between 5 seconds to a minute each. When they reached the minute, i was probably in a drowsy state, embedded in dream-like thought chains. I was very resistant to note, particulary this morining. I made breakfast and didn't exercize before.

(most) used notes: Thought (i'm not able to note them in a detailed way), feeling (general), touch, pressure, seeing, hearing, pulsing, numbing, worry, resistance, judgment, burning, proprioception.

Future practice: The same, evening-morning - Mahasi Noting. At the end of this week i plan to contact a teacher to organize the work, and for a number of other things.

30 mins this evening. Nothing particular, the mind continues to be a very dark place (in the sense i don't see it...) but the body is clearer. I can feel the feelings in the body clearly, if they are emotonally-charged... but the mind is very very chaotic, undisciplined, unseeable....
continuing