my practice log

Hey everybody - I've been around here for a little bit and've been practicing seriously for a little over a year now, and just recently had my first sessions with Ron, and I'm turning a new leaf and keeping an online log to keep up with my rigorous practice (sometimes 5 or 6 hours a day).

Here we go :



2/11 4pm

Alot of practice thoughts. Heaviness, warmth, coolness. plenty of self observation. Started out the sit with open awareness noting then noticed I ought to do concentration, which I then did but I'm unsure for how long. After that, I became distracted at some points in the sit, opening my eyes and looking around for a little, probably 30 seconds at the most while still kind of practicing, half or two thirds.

9pm

Forgot to do concentration again in the beginning of the sit. Early in the sit I had two or three salient itching sensations in my left knee and they left. I imagine that was in the first twenty minutes of the sit. Somewhere in there I worked in a little bit of concentration - maybe just a minute or two, heh. I have been doing so much open awareness noting all the time it seems as though I have become very habituated to it. Will make an prerogative to include serious concentration in the beginning of my sits from hereon out. In the middle and later part of my sit, I was distracted one or two times, opening my eyes and doing a sort of half practice. Many notes of self observation, many practice notes. Many thought notes. Some doubt notes. Some tingling notes, but the body sensations are a lesser order than that of the thoughts. There was also coolness, warmth. Came up with a new note, Registering, when my attention sort of rewraps or dissolves itself throughout the body. A jump back to mindfulness of the body, kind of. Towards the end of the sit I had a kriya wanting to hop my left leg all over the place.

Thurs Feb 16th 4pm

About a half hour or so before this sit something small lurched in my back and put it in a slightly uncomfortable condition just to the left of my spine in about the middle of my back. Throughout the sit it slowly waxed and waned in intensity in a fairly regular pattern. Had some distractions this sit, probably about 35-40 minutes in. Maybe two times where I looked around and sort of half meditated. Should somehow disembed from that! At the beginning of the sit I did concentration with the breath, but I don't think it was very intense or I'd definitely remember that. It was a kind of weak sit altogether, like the weather outside. low, gray clouds without movement. Looking back upon it, I don't remember any specific outstanding notes. But of course there was unpleasantness a lot associated with the pain in my back which I noted as heaviness. Probably a lot of self observation in there. Some investigation. Other than that I don't specifically remember, even though I do have notes common to most of my sittings, it just doesn't seem like they came up in this one, though I wouldn't be surprised if they were in fact in there. There was some anticipation. Probably some warmth. I remember an instance of disappointment. Towards the end of the sit it became more sort of hypnotic, as if there was more space or time I was apprehending in between the moments, therefore a more mindful impression. Then the bell went off.

7PM

Started out slowly forgetting to do concentration and encountered a steady pain in my inner left middle back. It would come in go in a fairly constant pattern, not too sharp nor soft either, but a couple times it was so suddenly noticeable that it stopped my breath (but didn't flap my equanimity or anything more). Gradually, it started to go away and the subtle tingles rolled into my hands and face a little. I had more involved mental notes this time, but I didn't write this down immediately. Was some anticipation, observation. Remembering thinking that my practice was lacking in speed when it came to thoughts, zapped it with a "practice thought" note. But that is I think a trend in my practice - my mind wanders and I don't note it soon enough. Going to try to see in the future if it is actually closer to not doing the meditation, not noting the wandering. Going to remember that diligently, heh, see what that'll be. Towards the end of the sit, it was mostly neutral, some pleasant. I was somewhat content about my practice at this time, though I wasn't exactly slacking in it. Occasionally I would have a couple unpleasant sensations remerging from the strain in the back.

Sun Feb 19th

Backache mostly gone today. Spent the morning studying, it went well. Had music playing in the background and I seemed to slow down towards the end, and I was definitely kind of apprehensive about finishing studying with good mindfulness and aplomb intact, and that sort of rushed it a little, maybe. Don't know - definitely did change it though since I was indeed thinking about it.

4pm
Started out with concentration and again don't remember much how it went. I think I may be switching out of concentration much too soon, exaggerating the time I spend in it. After making the indistinguishable segue into noting, I proceeded quickly to a pleasant state of subtle vibrations throughout my hands and face and this time a little bit in other spots on my body, like on my left trapezius muscle. The sit was also more whole body oriented than I have had before and once again I observed subtle moments seeming to have to do with thought and body. Noted much calmness, investigation, heaviness, softness, self observation, practice thought, vibration, pressure. Mostly pleasant or neutral. Actually, I'm not sure if I do note "neutral". Will keep a check on that. While I noted thoughts well, I can obviously do it better. Had a note of stiffness numerous times when it would seem like something, sort of just an awareness in my face/front head area (I was thinking possibly my third eye) seemed to linger around in relation to thoughts happening.

6 pm
Started out doing concentration but still don't think I did a very good job, I kept slipping up so naturally into open awareness noting. After that commenced noting and it went pretty smoothly. I progressed rather quickly to pleasant, somewhat easy noting - just don't remember anything all too unpleasant. As the sit went on I slowly realized I was embedded on a couple different levels. First, my mind was wandering a little without noting it, mostly in thoughts about practice. Second, I was slightly embedded in the in and the out breath, as if with the in breath there came a moment of higher mindfulness and the out breath was sort of a preparation for the in breath, both on a very slight level. Next, I noticed my thoughts themselves had subtle ripples physically and vice versa, very much so in my abdomen and throat areas. That was pretty much the sit - mostly pleasant/neutral sensations, alot of practice thoughts, investigation, observation, tingling, benign heaviness, some stinging as in a pointy itch somewhere in there, but only for a tiny handful moments. coolness. Reading this again right now, it really reckons some urgency about my practice.

Sat Feb 18th

Today I was studying for the first time in ages, or I think ever, for a test, and had a fairly decent time doing so. Happy to say it was a no brainer in comparison to my other encounters with scholastic duties - what was so inanely labored in the past was plain as day this time. Meditated a couple times during the day but didn't write it down, pounced right back into studying.

Also feeling different in my posture. My backache is still slightly there, but I am very mindful about it. This mindfulness also seems to have spread into the other reaches of my body. This has been a big problem for me all life long as I have a skeletal condition where a handful of things are just slightly off and I have never felt comfortable in any kind of posture. Recently within the last couple weeks and very noticeably today, I have been feeling more relaxed in my body, my posture, and have even been mindful enough to change a couple things like the angling I stand at with my shoulders, torso and hips.

9pm
Started out again with concentration and think it went slightly better this time - actually remember referring the attention back to the breath instead of romping along with open awareness or thought trajectories. After the concentration portion, it proceeded typically of the last three or so sits I've recorded, but the noting in this one was a little different. One of my most common critiques about my practice is the lack of mind state notes, and in this sitting I was a little more present in that vein. I had a couple genuine notes of "doubt" and "fear" that along with thoughts related to my practice, which of course were duly noted whenever I was able to. Alot of self observation, scenario thoughts, practice thoughts, anticipation, investigation, some calmness. Should work "impatience" into my practice a bit - I'm sure it applied in this sit. Had some disappointment. Had a good amount of unpleasant sensations this sit, perhaps because the back of the chair I was sitting in jutted slightly into my back and caused discomfort. Noted this as heaviness, aching, unpleasant, pressure. But it was different than pain I've experienced in this area at other times in my meditations - it was localized (like, though it has largely gone away, the back ache I had earlier this week) whereas in meditations before, talking about a few weeks to a month ago and beyond, there was a pervasive kind of insensate heavy, painful quality to my entire back torso. I've described it before like that green foam stuff which holds a lot of water which you stick flowers into (ha). Basically - heavy, uniformly distributed, totally immobile, kind of dense and kind of empty, depending on how much pain was there. Okay.

Contd from above

But the pain this sit was different than that. Not much of a mental quality to it - whereas before, it was very much present in my attention moment to moment to the coming moments, but this last sit's back pain, though obviously present, was accompanied by other events in meditation, like the sensations in my face, the subtle seeming moments when I would glimpse a thought right at the same time as a physical sensation and observe the linkage between the two. So, different sit than those times. And now, thinking about all this after writing all that, there was a good deal of impatience in this sit. I looked around, adjusted my posture a few times, maybe three or four. At that moment, there is a thought that goes a long with it. It goes like: okay, okay, I Am still meditating, whoops, there it happened I shifted my posture, practice thought, self observation, I'm still meditating anyhow, self observation, investigation. I wonder what would best be done about that?

Mon Feb 20th
Had a sit earlier today I didn't write down. It was an okay sit, heh - I sound like a stoner to myself when I say that, not very descriptive. But really, my recent sits in the last month maybe or more probably since my retreat ended jan 13th or so and tapering up to this moment, my sits have been of a better quality than ever before. Even when I have a sit like I had earlier today where it wasn't remarkably advanced (relative to other recent sits) and I even felt a little bummed out afterwards when I tried metta and just felt like a flat tire, it still feels as though there is a higher cohesion among my sits these days. They're not as shredded, sort of - not as dire. Not as conflicted. I sit and I notice. Before, recently as last november/december, I would sit and it would be like being in the drivers seat and really bearing down on the wheel with my posture, really biting the front edge of the motorcycle, bucking the horse, leaning an inch or two ahead into the direction as if that would get me there faster. Now instead - I just sit, I sit and I notice. It's more mind oriented now. Likewise with my life, walking around at school, a real lack of apprehension where there was much before.

6 PM
Started out with concentration and referred myself back to the breath a few times but still think I could do with a little more comprehensive concentration at the beginning. So conditioned to do just open noting. After that pulled out the open awareness and slid smoothly into a normal sit. Had a lot of practice thoughts this sit. I had some distractions, opened my eyes and looked around half meditating once or twice. The sensations of this sit were mostly neutral and a bit unpleasant. I could have noted thoughts far better, I suspect I spent a hefty amount of time in the margins in the thought slurries. That was how the sit ended, the gong rang and I was slightly surprised time passed so quickly. Definitely going to go in for another sit or two later tonight. This was a very body oriented sit. I remember noticing the state of my body as in the sense of my whole posture or whole body energy existing largely in my torso. Alot of self-observation type thoughts spliced halfway with noting, as far as the mental contents go. Didn't note a lot of those self observation type thoughts.

9PM
Started with a little concentration which went similarly to my last couple sits if it wasn't slightly stronger. Began noting and encountered some kinda intense itching sensations, like an itching stinging which morphed gradually and quickly with an experience of heaviness of the sit (if i'm not mistaken!), a period of unpleasant sensations although not anything flagging my equanimity/detachment. Gradually this turned into slightly pleasant sensations... now writing this, I wonder if the pleasant sensations were more like a pleasant idea of my current practice combined with vibrations in my hands/face. Are they, perhaps, just neutral and I'm just sort of low-key blissing out? Not sure. At this point the sit became more easily distractible and encountered the pipey-network of thoughts which are not noted immediately. Many meta practice thoughts in there. The usual notes otherwise. An incident of the kriyas in my legs. A lot of self observation. Heaviness, calmness, investigation, anticipation, practice thought, futurizing, scenario spinning though. Warmth, stiffness, aching, vibration, tingling. Hmm I want to do better.

Tues Feb 21st

9 AM
Started out with concentration and thought it was going well at the time but now looking back upon the sit I think that I still probably could have done a better job at it. After the segue into noting, I experienced an initial, brief period of unpleasant sensations, or an unpleasant idea of the meditation. An unpleasant impression of how all the thoughts and sensations were going together. This changed rather quickly into a pleasant orientation to what was going on, but this was accompanied by a wandering mind. Still need to note thoughts better. I'm wondering if I'm not deep enough into the meditation (well of course) that's causing this to happen - or rather I'm wondering if the sign of a good meditation would be one where I am reactive to this idea of slacking and not keeping a short enough leash on my thoughts in my meditation. A good meditation would be where I feel averse to lapses of attention and factor that into my whole future outlook on the meditation, and then note that too, which would amount to a possibly more gritty (rigorous and therefore beneficial) session?

4 PM
Started out with concentration and had a few moments where I really laid it on (breath awareness) and these may have been more intense than my immediately recent sits but overall it felt the same. Moved into noting and fastly proceeded into a pleasant state which persisted throughout the whole sit. Pretty standard in the noting - heaviness coolness warmth investigation observation practice thought scenario spinning thought. Writing this down I'm still thinking about what a larger noting vocab would do for me. I did have a new note this session - "soreness". Used it to describe a slight tensing of the throat area, which today was really prevalent off the cushion whenever I would endeavor to say something. For instance, when studying for my Egyptian test, coming across Akhmeneririra or something like that, sounding it out in my head involved saying it a little and there was a weird kind of throaty bite that accompanied the whole thing. Like in apprehension of having to say this complicated tongue twisting word, and then as I say it I just spit it out kind of. Weird feeling. Happened also in conversation. This has been present in my life for a long time. But now - in this sit, I noted a tension in the throat area and it relaxed and that enhanced my whole sit; at the end of the sit I was having pleasant vibrations in my arms and face and even in my throat a little and was noting thoughts as well as I could. It felt like I was building some good meditation momentum but alas I have stuff to do. Metta after the sit went well.

Mon Feb 27th

Noon
Started with concentration and it went well but dissipated a little as I remember there being an indistinguishable transition into noting - as in I just realized I had been noting for a little bit instead of knowingly switching. The noting was very easy and pleasant. I noted very many self diagnosis/experience evaluating thoughts like anticipation, investigating, self observation, scenario spinning thought, situation thought, futurizing, practice thought. The normal range of physical sensations with most being neutral. As far as mind states go, I still think there may be better meditation happening there. I have had a few moments in my sits where my whole body will sort of relax, kind of abstain from the next thought or something, a moment where I more so sit with the reality of the sensations in my abdomen and this seems to put me in a center, kind of, where my whole sitting posture is sort of there experiencing things, and this is where I might get a mind state like anxiety or doubt possibly fear. They seem like no self moments, kind of. At least, they seem obverse to my normal state, normal sense of self maybe, which is constantly naming things as thoughts. Looking forward to more meditation.

7 PM
Started with concentration then moved into noting. If I remember properly I encountered an initial A&Pish period of pleasant vibrations in my hand and forearms and face, accompanied by the sense of forward momentum of my practice. But most of the sit was dealing with somewhat unpleasant stuff. Many scenario spinning thoughts, anticipation, practice thoughts, self mapping thoughts, futurizing. A lot of self diagnosis going on in there. There were a few other notes that I don't remember. Encountered the mind/body stuff where my thoughts seemed to have something to do with sensations in my stomach and thought about this for a bit, maybe 5 or 10 seconds, and realized I wasn't noting this. Towards the end had some distractions but was still somewhat strongly meditating through them.

Sun Feb 26th

Between my last post and this I went through a little rough patch on Thursday and Friday where things just weren't jiving, on and off the cushion both. But that changed towards Friday night and during Saturday, and I wasn't able to meditate much on saturday due to a school trip to the Met in NYC.

4 PM
Started with some concentration which went better than my previous posts on here, though I haven't been logging the past few days, I have been sitting a lot. Then began noting and it was marked by ease. There are moments where there are obviously things I can break down and dissolve further. I noticed a few times in the sit a relationship between my thoughts and subtle sensations in my abdomen and throat area. It happened more often than in my last posts. I did get distracted a couple times - looked around in half meditation, but this time it was a more complete half meditation. Like, I remember another sit of mine maybe on friday or saturday where I broke out in a fit of strong sneezes in the middle of it, which would usually have thrown me off my game a little, but that time I was able to meditate through nearly all of it. Sort of like that, but it was induced by some impatience or boredom or something that I'm not happy about.

Tues Feb 28th

20 min mapping sit
Started with 5 mins of breath awareness. It was a very distracted sit. Towards the end of the sit encountered an impression of heaviness in my back. Before that, a lot of self oriented thoughts. In the early mid section of the sit had some aching sensations in my knuckles. Throughout the sit there was a subtle play of attention-like sensations in my gut. They had a kind of heavy quality to them. Think kind of like the metal mercury swishing around in a cup in slow motion, speeding up here and slowing down there-- they were heavy and dense but king of malleable in that they would swish in varying ways with a varying speed.

25 min mappping sit
Began with 25 minutes of concentration which was admittedly a little flapping but also a little more in the zone when I was doing it than before. Upon starting noting I encountered a bunch of neutral stuff. Practice thoughts, investigation, some anticipation, some futurizing, heaviness, self observation, a bit of calmness was in there. Wasn't any really remarkable stuff. I would say that the process of noting was a little slow. Around the end of the sit, say the last ten minutes or so, the experience slowly became saturated with tiny, pleasant vibrations. In my face and hands mostly. It felt really puffy.

25 min mapping sit
Basically a replica of last sit but with a little less concentration.

25 min mapping sit
About five maybe ten minutes of concentration beforehand. Once I got into noting, I worked my way up to the beginning of prickly vibrations, like the sit where I was very saturated with vibrations but on a lower key. In the early-mid period of the sit I noticed subtle aching in my jaw I hadn't ever really picked up on specifically before.

Thurs March 1st

20- 25 min mapping sit
Did 25 minutes of breath awareness beforehand. After I segued to noting I immediately experienced aching in my jaw. This became a little subdued and meshed with slowish, persistent observation of the four foundations. Had some calmness, static (a sensation that is like vibration but comparatively abrupt and static, like getting a teensy electric shock), heaviness, investigation, practice thought. This slowly coalesced into more and more pronounced and continuous, pleasant vibrations that eventually saturated my hands, forearms and face. Buncha practice thoughts in there, self observation.

25 min mapping sit
Preceded by 25 minutes of concentration. Right into the sit after that I experienced slight aching in my jaw, but by that time with the breathing awareness I was already experiencing a good deal of flow a la shinzen young's definition. This was a little loose and porous but became more saturating gradually. About halfway through the sit, maybe early middle, I was experiencing this flow, mainly in my face and hands, along with slightly unpleasant sensations of heaviness in my lower right back right up against the chair. This went away and was more all around slightly positive. Towards the end of the sit, I experienced a couple stinging sensations, one on my head and one on my right arm like a thumbtack was being pushed gently into my skin.

Nice! Mapping this phenomena is really compelling, never done it before for probably not a very good reason.
Today I'm about to start a 9 day retreat in the city. Going to grab my groceries, clean my apartment, go to my math class then start.

These journals are exactly how you should approach this. Great stuff!