P's practice thread: a new experience...?

Hi folks,

I've had a long, strange meditation journey, and the latest experience has left me a bit perplexed. In discussing that experience with some local friends, they encouraged me to post here for an opinion and any assistance or advice that might be offered. My thanks in advance for anything offered, as it would be most appreciated.

First of all, my background in a nutshell:

Without any knowledge or understanding of what I was doing, I somehow stumbled into a nascent practice as a child, which generated at least one A&P-type experience around age ten (I had the insight that all of reality is comprised of tiny particles that are flashing in and out of existence many times each second, so death is not to be feared, as we are dying many times every second) which left me puzzled, but certain that something unusual had happened to me.

Although I continued with my home-spun practices through high school, it was not until university, when I took up TM, that my practice (now somewhat formalized) accelerated, culminating in regular makyo (seeing through my eyelids, spontaneous verbalizations, 360degree vision, etc.) jhana, and two particularly amazing experiences, the first of which (intense calm, followed by a complete cessation of awareness'¦a complete gap in my mental record, followed by 2.5 days of energized bliss) I initially took to be 'enlightenment' (not knowing anything about maps at the time), though now I'm more inclined to think strong A&P. At any rate, my commitment to practice then oscillated for the next ~20 years for various reasons, and was fairly more off than on.

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But I got back into practice in earnest about 2 years ago, coupled with extensive reading and research, which exposed me to the maps, and other online resources that I did not have access to in decades past. My techniques evolved, and I sit twice each day for at least 30 minutes at a time, more when I can manage it. Focused on insight, I had been doing noting practice for about the last year, but then two weeks ago I switched back to basic anapanasati with the intention of strengthening my jhana skills, in support of my insight efforts. As a result, I'm commonly hitting or hovering near first jhana, for the first time in ~15 years!

So then, the latest experience:

Last Sunday afternoon, I set my timer for 40 minutes of mindfulness of breathing. I achieved a nice, deep calm, fell into access concentration, hovered near first jhana, but only got the slightest taste of it this time. Then the timer went off. I opened my eyes, and the room was in a comfortable twilight. My breathing was slow and even, and something told me to stay with my breath, with eyes open, even though I always meditate with eyes closed.

My visual focus drifted in and out, there was a slight mental shift, and the perceived locus of my awareness seemed to drift a bit forward into the room, and expand slowly to merge with the surroundings. This shift was very gradual, and there was an initial fear resulting from the sense that I was letting go of something important, but that was fairly easily tempered, allowing me to let the shift unfold as it did, if with a bit of wobbling.

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And then at its peak, for the merest fraction of a second, there wasn't a 'me'. The otherwise omnipresent sense of "I" basically ceased for a micro-second or so, while a sort of non-local, passive awareness took its place. The floorboards, walls, and nearby items in the room became me; I became them. We were one, big, quiet, calm, empty field...with no distinctions and nobody "in charge" (is that ego?). There was still an awareness of the room, but it was sort of an inherent property of the space itself. I hate to use so loaded a term, but it is apt from my perspective to suggest that I was in a non-dual state.

And then a slow drift back to normal'ish awareness began.

On the way "out", my first thought was, "Well then where does the impetus come from for anything to happen??"...and I was reminded of some accomplished yogi's statements about being pleasantly surprised to see what happens next in their moment-to-moment existence, as if the will driving their own body were an unpredictable externality. My next thought was, 'What would it be like to live from this vantage point all the time?'

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In the aftermath, there were no fireworks, no fruition/gap, no 'bliss wave', and no grand sense of accomplishment. If anything, the experience was simply novel and unique among my experiences to date, but it did leave me feeling somewhat jazzed and very eager to sit again. Also very eager to tell someone, my wife being the first (and she was very polite in humoring me, as I don't typically discuss my practice with her), followed by some dharma friends'¦who sent me here. I've also noticed in the week since, that when I sit (still doing anapanasati), the time passes extremely quickly, and is almost effortless. I sat for an hour last night, and on Wednesday night too, and the time just flew by, with almost no concern for time. If I could find the time, I suspect that a two hour sit is achievable now.

Next steps? Simple: keep sitting. And I am now even more eagerly anticipating a week-long retreat (my first) in a few weeks, hoping for further clarity.

As I said above, if anyone has any comments, or useful advice, I'd be very thankful to you.

Regards,
P

Nice. It's typical for meditation to really flow after a shift (whether A&P or "path"), as well as for there to be a lingering effect in perception, experience, etc for some days or even weeks.

This: ""Well then where does the impetus come from for anything to happen??"...and I was reminded of some accomplished yogi's statements about being pleasantly surprised to see what happens next in their moment-to-moment existence, as if the will driving their own body were an unpredictable externality. My next thought was, 'What would it be like to live from this vantage point all the time?'" is a nice insight.

If you are asking "where am I" that is easier to determine in a situation where a teacher or mentor works with you over time, partly because the additional experiences and insights that follow over time shed light on where one is. In a sense it also doesn't matter particularly. Further clarity will come in that which unfolds over the next months... Keep sitting, pay attention to the current moment, don't get sidetracked into conceptual stuff, and allow the process to work its magic on you. In any case, your practice is far enough along to follow your intuition, and take what works for you from any advice you receive from teachers and forums, or decide whether/how to work with a teacher more formally. That's my advice, for you to take or toss.

Enjoy the adventure!

Hello giragirasol,

Thank-you for the reply. I am well aware of the practical difficulty in assessing location on the maps. My intention was more to gather advice from others who might have passed through the same territory, and mitigate the risk of any upcoming pitfalls that migh otherwise blind-side me.

Your advice is sound, and as I mentioned, the plan in any event is to just keep sitting. Fortunately, that seems to be easier to do now

I find the pitfalls are pretty much consistent throughout the process, in a general sense: wanting your experience to be a certain way (blissful, exciting, fun, pleasant, relaxing, whatever) or not wanting your experiences to be a certain way (unpleasant, tense, erratic, full of distraction, boring, restless, etc.). No matter what is happening, the key is to pay attention to WHAT is happening right now, and not try to make it be any particular way. Whether you use word noting or just general attention or focus on the breath or whatever technique, the key is to just pay total attention (as much as you are able) to what is actually going on, and let whatever happens happen by itself without trying to control it. Parts of it get easier (for example allowing thoughts to arise and past without distracting you becomes easier, or physical sensations become less distracting), but other parts get harder (senses of fear, dis-ease, confusion, wanting to do something, etc. can become less overt and more subtle as your practice deepens). So the pits may change in character, but the falling into them always comes back to the same thing: wanting to change what you are experiencing. Perhaps that helps?

My thanks again! And total agreement on the impact of one's expectation. I regularly contrast the relatively rapid progress I made years ago (when I knew nothing of maps or formal insight practice) with the present slow progress in spite of (because of?) much more knowledge of the process.

Also, new experience to report! About 30 minutes into a 45 minute sit, doing anapanasati, I became aware of a vibration. It was somewhere between hearing and tactile in terms of my awareness of it, and localized in my head. Frequency was ~10hz or so, and lasted about ten minutes. Focusing on it led to a jhana-like brightness in my head, and some constraining of my awareness. Another first-time experience for me...

P